Rumors
by LibraMoon
Summary: CullenxAmell. First person humor. In any close-knit community there is always a problem with gossip. Some words will haunt you forever. rated M
1. Chapter 1

**Attention: I need a beta, quiet badly it would seem. Would anyone be willing to help me in that department?**

**Please send me a message if you would like the job. I have ideas that need cohesiveness and I make grammatical errors out the whazoo…as a warning.**

**I own nothing because it all belongs to Bioware. Also one obscure reference to a coming strip called 'help is on the way'.**

**Rating is yet to be decided; right now it stands at T, for cursing, violence, and mild innuendo.**

**Rumors**

I cannot tell you the sheer horror that comes from having a templar, one you barely know mind you, giving you the 'You're a wonderful girl but I don't feel that way about you' speech. Also he is doing a terrible job of it which only makes the situation even more humiliating for me. Andraste's ass! What is this man going on about?

That's when all the comments and questions today make sense. Holy Maker's left testicle! This templar, a man named Cullen, thinks that I am in love with him. My knees feel slightly weak and I want to be ill. I think he has noticed my pale face or the look that I don't doubt has crossed my face.

"P-P-Please don't cry." He tells me shaking his hands around like that would stop me if I wanted to cry. I don't want to _cry_. I _want_ to die from mortification. Judging from the way people have been looking at me all day, everyone in the tower thinks the truth about something that isn't real.

How did this happen? Oh, I have a feeling. I have a feeling it was that little entropy mage tart-harlot, named Meghan. She and I have never really gotten along. I'm a student of the school of creation. Meghan is a fantastic student at the art of being a dried-up slut. I am nice to people where she is incredibly cruel. I am a friend to most and she to none. I am not a hooker-bitch. She is. I bet you can see the problem already. Perhaps I am being a tad unkind, but right now staring at the nervous face of the Templar Cullen and to hear him tell me that there is 'someone out there for me', makes me want to kill her.

I mean literally kill her. I'm not being glib. I am so furious right now, I could spit acid. Well, if I could spit acid I would. I'm not sure what you have heard, but no, mages can't shoot lightening out of their eyes or spit acid. We do however, have a delightful disposition brought about by forced seclusion, and we are astoundingly wonderful joke-tellers.

But I am off topic aren't I?

Where was I? Oh yes, death to Meghan. I have no idea what she has actually told everyone. Then again she could have said one thing and the rumor-mill of the tower has turned it into an epic tale of some sad love tale. You have to understand…we are all locked into one area with nothing to do to pass the time with the exception of fighting, studying, and fornication. All of which do get tedious after a while. However, gossip seems to keep people fêted for months.

Rumors go around all the time about who is into some illegal activity, whom is planning on escaping, and my personal fade nightmare; whom loves whom. I bring my hands to my face to cover my fury. I tremble with the effort it takes not to run screaming out of this hall and zap the little instigator of this rumor to bits.

Apparently, it would seem that Cullen thinks I am crying. I say that because he awkwardly places one hand on my shoulder and pats it. He clears his throat and a few strangled noises press past his lips. Dear Maker let me kill them all. Is that too much to ask? Truly? Well you're a right bastard anyway Maker and the worst part is I already know you aren't listening.

This tower gets to you.

I shield my face with one hand the best I can and bring the other up in 'just stop' gesture. The effect is immediate and Cullen hastily steps back. I wave him off because I have listened to his attempts to let me down gently for the last half hour. I would welcome any abomination past or present to please come and do their worst before I would hear that speech again.

This has to be a nightmare. I have only spoken to Cullen an astounding number of four times. Really, it was just the four. I can name the events for you right now. The first time was when he had just come to the tower and all I said was 'Well met. I'm Solona." That was the _entire _conversation on my part.

The second time, I had eaten my fill at breakfast and gone to study in the library. I already knew I would be hungry later so I had filched a snack. I had been there for two or so hours when I heard his stomach rumble. To be honest, I wasn't even aware it was the same templar I had met six days ago. Being that I had a snack and could sympathize that standing around doing nothing was tiring, I offered him my snack. He took it with a little reservation but a lot of thanks. I had thought nothing of it at the time.

I had been running after Jowan the third time I spoke to Cullen. Jowan had knocked into the walking armory, and almost toppled them both. I grimaced at the sound of flesh hitting metal and slowed down to help Jowan up. Cullen had told us not to run in the halls. I said "Alright."

This was the fourth time I have ever spoken to him. It was humiliating. No I don't think humiliating is strong enough. It was like a hot slice of death served with public defamation of character. Yummy!

My stride is purposeful as I seek out my 'friend' Jowan. I would get Meghan later, after I knew everything that was being said about me. Jowan would be in the apprentice quarters like he always was…well if he wasn't off with his love interest. Who I still haven't met by the way! Now I am angry for two reasons and someone is going to pay for it.

Not me of course, because that would be absurd.

The door to the apprentice room is always open and that makes it easy to make a commanding entrance; Something I need right now. The room is full of my fellow mages and classmates who are staring at me with gazes ranging from pity to fear. I will provide death to the pity and mercy for the fear.

Jowan comes slowly toward me and he is fidgeting like a leave caught in a wind storm. Squirm you bastard.

"Jowan…my _friend_" I stress the word and watch him flinch. "What, in the name of the Maker's but hole, is going on?" I do enjoy how I can keep my voice so calm as I watch a hush fall over the room.

"Oh Solona, we are so sorry." His dark eyes glitter in pity for me. Well thanks, but that doesn't answer my question.

"Sorry for me?" I can't help but repeat it dumbly, even though I am pretty upset. I notice that everyone is looking away from me now. I crane my head around. How many apprentices are in here? There as to be at least two-thirds of them crammed around my bed.

"Well…yeah…I mean…we all heard…" His voice trailed off and I raised an eyebrow. Oh this was going to be good. What had they heard? I stared at them expectantly.

"Well, Solona, you see. I heard from Christie, who heard from Anders, who heard from Surana, who heard form Theodore, who heard from Jack, who heard form Adam, who heard from Petra, who heard from Gideon, who spoke to Carla; who said that she had talked to someone who had talked to you; that you were in love with Cullen." A girl I only half recognize launches on Jowan's behalf. I must admit I am impressed that she could say that all in one breath... she must have had practice talking for prolo-….wait. What? WHAT!

Then the nightmare just gets worse. "I heard from Everett that you told all of your fellow creation mages that you wanted to bear Cullen's children." A voice from my right draws my attention.

"I thought you said, Erika said, that she wanted to have no less than a dozen children with Cullen!" A woman's voice argues sharply with the voice from my right.

"No no no, I said that Erika said that Bryan said that Solona had told Cullen that she wanted a dozen children but that he had been left speechless. So, Solona had declared her intentions to her whole class of creation mages." The first voice argued back.

A dozen children? One dozen. As in twelve screaming, snorting, pooping, crying, and needy little humans? Are they insane? They must be. Do they have any idea how much time, effort, and money it would cost to raise that many children. Do I look like I am just going to be popping out kids left and right?

"Really? I heard that you two were going to try and run away from the tower… that is why I offered to help you hide your tracks." Oh well that would explain the odd conversation with Jack earlier.

"I was told by Ser Terrance that you two were secret lovers already and it was suspected that you were already in the family way!"Jowan explained in surprise. Oh _he_ was surprised? Even the _Templars_ were talking about this? I feel dizzy, like really really dizzy. What the fade is wrong with these people? Jowan of all people should know that I have never even kissed a boy.

I am going to murder them all. Watch me. I will get a large and knife and wait until they are all sleeping. After the first three or so it should just be a matter of a quick jerk of the knife and they will all be dead. Then I will make a poncho out of their hides.

I have had enough. Truly, there is only so much a girl can stand. "WHO!" I thundered across the room watching them jump in shock and forget their petty squabbles over my imagined love life. "Who started all of this?" I am near ready to call forward demons just to enact my revenge on the perpetrator. I would never live this down. You don't understand. We are a very small community of people and no matter what I do, most of them will think that I still harbor a deep seeded love of Cullen. I could never so much as look at the man again and still _somehow_ we would be star-crossed lovers that everyone would talk about.

Maker please let the Orlesians attack us right now.

The hush that has fallen over them all again only further irritates me. All of your lips were moving so freely before, but _now_ none of you will utter one sodding word?

"WHO?" I shouted at the top of my lungs. My reputation is already in ruins. So that really is a bonus when going on a near demonic –rage around the tower. I like to look at the positive side when possible. It's just who I am.

Jowan darts his beady eyes back at me. I glare at him because this has got to be the most unbelievable rumor I have ever heard. Have any of these people met Cullen? He is like a stray puppy! He is all feet and eyes. They couldn't have thought of this with a more…oh I don't know…believable male? Even Knight-Commander Greagoire would have been a better fit!

"It was Meghan…" Jowan said quietly and they all held their breath waiting on my reaction. I called it. That damn hooker-bitch! You know, I have no idea how that froth came out of my mouth. I walk steadily over to my bed and grab my staff. I'm going witch hunting.

OoOoOo

Well…I _was_ going witch hunting. However, it would seem that just about everyone in this whole forsaken tower seems to know that I have been 'dumped'. I bite my tongue back painfully each time. No one seems to understand that one has to be dating, in order to be dumped. I tried a few times to correct people. I honestly did.

Until Second Enchanter Wynne, a woman I found to be like a mother to me; pulled me in her arms as I marched like a warrior down the halls. Yeah…it was difficult. Her embrace was strong and comforting at the same time. She smoothed my hair and whispered reassuring words into my ear. Now that part wasn't so bad. It was the fact that the other victim of the rumor happened to be in the same room. Is there a description beyond utterly tense? If there is, than this situation was it. Cullen, the poor misguided guy, was looking like he had betrayed the chantry or something equally sordid. The man looked ashamed. I pitied him for feeling so terrible over this because I really am not devastated. I don't even love the man!

I try to untangle myself from Wynne. "Truly I am fine!" I stressed a little too much perhaps because she looks close to tears.

"You are so brave little one." She pulls me into a tighter hug. "You _will_ be fine. I know it hurts now. Trust me I know; but give it time and the pain will fade." I adore Wynne any other time than right this moment. This is just beyond mortifying.

"Wynne, I know what you might have heard, but-" I can't stand pity. I really can't. However, everyone seems to want to heap it on me like there is no tomorrow.

"Chin up dear girl. One day there will be a man that deserves your love." I saw her through a rather nasty look at Cullen. I want to beat my head against a wall. It's not his fault, its Meghan's and she will pay for it. Once I find a shovel and a shark that can live in a pool of acid. "When that day comes you will forget all about this." She finally let me go. I can't believe my ears. How many people are going to try and reassure me that there is someone out there for me? I know there has to be! It's a statistical improbability that there would not be someone out there for me.

Uh-oh. I see she is rounding on Cullen. "And _you!_" her boney finger points at him with distain. Oh no… stern Wynne. Well that old sense of panic is still intact, even if she is not coming after me. "You ought to be ashamed young man for crushing a poor girl's heart!" Oh dear Maker. No. The black city would be better than this.

"Wynne! Please stop. Ser Cullen has done nothing wrong. I am fine Wynne. Really it's fine." I sound desperate because I am. Hands down, this is the worst day of my life. They are both looking at me like I have grown a second head. My hands itch. I hate being stared at too.

I don't say a word as I continue marching toward my destination; the final resting place of Meghan the rumor starting floozy. However, it would seem that she has some sort of divine protection. I am stopped by Knight-Commander Greagoire on the fourth floor. I'm really pissed by this point, I am sure you can understand. I don't want to talk to him, I want blood. A lot of blood from one person.

Oh come on! Even Greagoire is looking at me sadly. I hate the circle. The least they could do is have the common decency to look disgusted, or angry, and heck I would even take mildly gassy. It is extremely to have someone who normally hates your existence look at you with sympathy.

"Mage Amell." I snapped my gaze up to meet his even though it's the last thing I want to do. I sigh.

"Yes Knight-Commander?" Alright. Let's get this over with. Bring on the speech about how I 'deserve love' and how I am 'very special'. Just let me get to beat the ever living magic out of the person that started all of this.

"I know about what happened." He looks at me and I stare right back.

"You-You do?" I am pleasantly surprised. Perhaps he will allow me to take Meghan into a private room and once I am finished he will help me dispose of the body. I think I was wrong about him. Greagoire is alright for an old crotchety templar!

"Yes." He shifts to the side and I almost think for a moment there that he is giving me leeway to pass. He's a good guy at heart after all. Who knew? I most certainly didn't. "I…I am sorry for your…loss." His words are carefully chosen and I feel the sharp pang of disappointment.

Ah. So he thought I was in love with Cullen as well. Fade take it all! "Uh…Thank…you?" I force it out as quickly as I can and try to get around him once again.

"You know a mage and a Templar would only end in tragedy." His voice was soft and firm.

Yes, yes, I get it. The two are never meant to be. All that lies between them is an unholy union. Abomination station. "Yes I know." It is really hard to keep the irritation out of my voice. I want to go hide in my room and shut everyone out. I can't do that until enact a small amount of bodily harm.

" I didn't do it to harm you child." Is...is that regret I hear? "I wanted to spare you the pain that I endured." Maker's soggy balls! I am not having a heart to heart with Knight-Commander Greagoire! I quickly look for an escape route. I will have to regroup and attack Meghan later. "She was beautiful you know." His deep timber reverberated against the horror welling in my chest. No! No sappy chats! "I loved her far beyond what was acceptable." If I clawed my ears off, would the pain distract me enough not to hear this? "She was the very light in my life. The way she brought joy into a room or the way the sun caught her red hair…"

Can't take it. Going to explode. "I have to go!" I pushed past him and near ran down the length of the hall. I rushed into the first room I could find and slammed the door behind me.

"Oh!" Came a surprised gasp behind me. "S-Solona. What are you doing here?"

Hooker-bitch. I have been looking for you. I didn't say a word as I launched myself on her. I grabbed her short black hair and claw at her face. I have no fighting experience. I have no shame about that. My hands are open as I slap her about. I think I fight similarly to a cat. I alternated between clawing and broad swinging of my hands and fists. She fights back against me.

There is screeching and cursing. I knocked her to the ground. She is on her back, a position I am sure she knows well. I couldn't tell you how long we fought for. I feel myself being lifted off of her and that is the next thing I remember. Greagoire and three other Templars , with the exception of the one still holding my arms, are looking at me with open mouthed shock.

Hm… I might not have thought this one through.


	2. Chapter 2

**Still flirting with the idea of rating it M.**

**This is not work appropriate. :D**

**I own nothing, rated T for swearing, mild crude humor, and possible innuendo.**

**Now get to reading! :P**

**The Art of Tongue in Cheek**

OoOoOo

So…yeah. I didn't know there were isolation chambers in the tower. That would have been a helpful piece of information to have before my fight with Meghan. Don't get me wrong, it wouldn't have stopped me from scratching her conniving little eyes out, I just would have planned it better. I think of this only as I am being dragged toward one of the said isolation rooms down the hall near the Templar quarters.

This sucks.

The Templar's grip is hurting my arm and I can't stop stumbling. They were awfully quick for a walking suit of armor. A little stuck up too. Templars are mean men. The worst part is the guy keeps looking back at me angrily. I could feel bad about starting a fight, but I don't. The wench had it coming!

Well he unceremoniously just threw me into the room. I brush off the dust that has now coated my hind-quarters and I peer around the room. It certainly doesn't get points for style as it is a ten foot by ten foot square stone room. On dim lamp that looks like it is about to expire from old age and a small bed. I sit on the bed and pull the rough pillow up to my nose. _Sniff_.

Surprising…it's clean. I make a face at the wall. This is completely unfair! I should never have gotten out of my own bed this morning. I should have laid there blissfully unaware about the goings-on. My stomach gurgles at me. Hm. I should have eaten breakfast too. Because of my sufferings, I blame Meghan for that as well.

Now…What am I supposed to do about the rumors? I flick a piece of lint off the bed in disinterest. My fingers tap on the bed over and over. I could try to counter-act them with rumors of my own, but that is hard to do and a bit messy. People will usually believe the first thing they hear with certainty, and the next with contempt.

I could throw myself off the tower, but I wouldn't be able to get the windows open, or up onto the roof for that to be effective. Also, they might say that I killed myself for love. IT has a catchier ring to it than 'I died to shut you up'.

I suppose I could try to just ignore them. However, I have quite a temper so that might not work in the long run anyway. Ignoring it seemed like a much more viable option. I could volunteer to be tranquil. Still _that_ didn't sit well with me either. I like my feelings. I also like laughing. Neither of which seem enjoyable right now.

Ugh. I was going to have to face Irving. Damn, damn, and double damn! I am whining in my head about the fact that he of all people should understand how vexing this place can be. Oh! I can claim temporary vexation! Much better then temporary possession as I get to keep my head. Bonus!

Hey… where is my staff? I groan because I don't remember what I did with it between hunting down Meghan and the fight. Those Templars had better not have broken it. I glare sullenly at the shadow of two feet right in front of the door. I can see only a sliver of light from the outside hall. Stupid dim lamp. Stupid Templar. Stupid Meghan. Stupid rumors.

When I get out of her I'm going to- Uh-oh someone is coming. I stand up abruptly.

The door swings open quickly and I shy my eyes away from the sudden burst of light. Insensitive buffoons! My precious eyes! The pain the light caused had my eyes watering. The world is swimming in a haze of tears.

"Oh Child." Well….crap. It's Irving. I thought I had more time for this little chat. Think fast Solona! Think curse you!

"Fi-First Enchanter?" Yep. I am a master at conversation. I know, I know. My sultry voice is astounding.

He sighed. I can't tell if that is an 'alright this is a youthful indiscretion' sigh or an 'I am going to bring down magey-wrathy doom' sigh. For reasons I am sure you already know, I'm hoping for the first one.

"Apprentice Amell." Hm. Stern voice. Yep I'm screwed. That's ok I had a good rung. I said good and not long because this really blows to be only 18 and about to die. Well, no need to worry about the rumors! Hey, I bet they even have horses in the eternal fade! Why didn't I try this sooner? Oh yeah…I DON'T WANT TO DIE!

Oops. He's looking at me. Blast it! I bet he said something or asked something when I was too busy rambling in my head. Think; you are in a lot of trouble. This means they are most likely yes or no questions because Irving hates to hear excuses. Well, the most likely thing is for me to admit that I am wrong, so…"Yes." There. Now this whole mess is over.

"Yes?" Irving looks like his eyes are about to pop out of his head. Alright, so I should have gone with 'no'. "I couldn't believe it when I heard! But to have you stand here and say 'Yes' with such certainty and faith is heart-warming," Irving chuckled and I am more confused. Uh… What are we talking about?

I smile and nod. Really there is nothing to be done without putting my foot more in my mouth. Smile and nod, smile and nod Solona. I am still blinking back my watery eyes. Irving is looking at me with some sort of compassion in his eyes.

'…'

Well this is exceedingly awkward.

"Solona." Irving said after a moment. "Now that the matter of your Harrowing is settled."

Wait..What? My Harrowing? I missed the part about my harrowing! Fantastic job girl! Oh no mister demon, I don't need you to hunt me, here have me wrapped in a pretty little package! I even come with a bow!

This is indeed the worst day of my life.

"Are you in love with the Templar Cullen?" His eyes are searching mine. I have already told you that no one will believe me even if I protest to the high heavens. No one will ever listen to the denials and my reputation is already in shreds. A dozen babies indeed; I rant inside my head in disgust.

"First Enchanter..." I start. Hm. Well I was looking for a way to end this. "The truth is," I look at him and biting my lip I think. If I just admit to it…the rumors would go away. Meghan would have no ammunition. Cullen had already let me down and everyone knew about it. I could potentially skip a few classes out of 'heart-break'. It wouldn't hurt Cullen any, so there was no harm. It's a win-win situation! I snap my gaze back to Irving.

"First Enchanter." I start again. With a lot of conviction and warble my voice a bit. No sense in doing this in half measures. "The truth is that I am, in fact, hopelessly, desperately, and forever will be in love with the Templar Cullen." Irving's eyes are wider than I have ever seen them.

Aww… that was poetic on my part. I clasped my hands to my sides and tilted my head down. I caution myself not to over-do this. It will be in my best interest to make it believable.

Then the sound of a loud crash turned my head. My mood is as black as a cave in midnight as the sight that greets me.

An entire squad of Templars is standing out in the hall. You have _got_ to be kidding me. A whole squad? There were five that were standing and one that had fallen to the ground. Hm. I forgot to check and see if there was anyone behind Irving. Oh well. It isn't like the rumors could get any worse. Oh the curious embrace of indifference.

One of the other men is trying to rouse the fallen Templar. I am filled with embarrassment and dread. There is one thought that plays in my head. Why would a random Templar faint at the admission of a mage's love for fellow Templar? I'm not stupid, I know they wouldn't. Damnation! That means…

"Ser Cullen? Ser Cullen!" The other Templar is shaking him. I groan. That man was everywhere! Didn't he have a life? I haven't ever seen him leave his post terribly often. Today however, it was like he was stuck to me by some invisible rope! Maker's ass hairs! This day couldn't get any worse.

Irving is sputtering, the other Templars are watching me intently, and I strive for another topic of conversation. The damage is already done. Well I hope the poor guy doesn't have nightmares or get teased too much for this. Why was he even here? Oh well, that is a question for later.

"So, you were saying about my harrowing?" I blink innocently up at Irving.

OoOoOo

Huh. The harrowing is sort of…well… _not_ harrowing, that's for sure. If you want harrowing, try being in a room full of men that just heard your acted out confession for one of their ranks. _That_ my friend is harrowing! Having to see their faces, because helms must be removed during a harrowing so that they others may know when one is enthralled, is harrowing.

The Demon blinking up at me as a mouse… not impressed. Oh sure he is convincing enough with his talk about being lost during his harrowing and how he was cut down because he took too long. I might have believed that. Might have. Then I knew he was a demon when he started telling me we both could escape and how I could save him. Sure friend. Whatever you say.

Now, I am not a genius… at least not in everything (as it does do well to be humble), but a random man surviving all alone in the fade but acts like my shadow could jump out and eat him? Really hard to believe that part when he claims to have been here a long time. Like I said, I am not a genius, but 6 and 6 doesn't equal 56.

So…he's a demon. I just haven't exactly figured out which one. I doubt he is a desire demon because he is pretty ugly to me. I mean 'stop and stare for a minute' ugly. So it is a safe bet on it not being a desire demon. I don't think he's a hunger demon because he hasn't started running around bellowing about how he is going to eat me. Yes, I find it odd too that hunger demons do that, but they do. He doesn't seem very wrathful or angry about his predicament because he acts more like a five your old that has wet his small clothes in public.

Well we already met a Sloth demon. Wow, I thought the descriptions of Sloth demons were an exaggeration. Holy Maker! What a bunch a lazy little demonic asses! He threatened to eat me if I didn't get his riddles. Can you imagine? Well they were stupidly easy riddles anyway and so as part of our bargain, which I have no idea why I struck in the first place; 'Mouse' learned to change into a bear.

Lame.

I solved the riddles; I should be the one that gets transformation powers. Why wasn't it an option that I get to learn the fade shifting? Couldn't tell you, but I am pissed. I glare at mouse as we walk pass the spirit of Valor. Nice spirit by the way. He gave me a staff and everything after we had a duel. It wouldn't be a stretch to say I respect Valor.

I don't trust 'Mouse'. I know better than to make deals in the Fade.

But because 'Mouse' is still moving around I am willing to concede that he isn't that he isn't a sloth demon. Therefore, by my astounding process of elimination, he is a pride demon. Oh excellent! I have heard that sarcasm doesn't become me, but they can shove it where the Maker split them for all I care.

I am battling the demon that 'Mouse' fears so terribly. It is not a hard battle exactly, but I am not a power or destruction mage. In short, I really don't have a lot of attack spells. I have glyphs that I use instead. Glyphs of warding can be really helpful but I usually need allies for that. So I stick to a Glyph of repulsion. I knock the angry demon down once or twice and I attack him with the staff that Valor gave me. IT is not a long fight, but it is more taxing than I gave it credit for.

I won, in case you didn't guess already.

Then 'Mouse' is sprouting off some drivel about coming back with me. I laugh.

"I'm not stupid. You are no mouse. You are no man. What you are…" I gave him my best pinning stare "Is a demon."

"Wh-What? A demon? I – I am not!" You seriously expect me to believe that?

"That," I pointed to where the other demon had died. "Was not my test. You are."

Uh…He's huge. Andraste's sagging bosom! 'Mouse' is freaking enormous. I can't help the look of shock that crosses my face. He starts rambling on about pride and preconceptions…but he huge! How in the name of the Fade did he change his size? If demons actually do require sustenance in order to exist, he must be a big eater.

OoOoOo

Then the air leaves my lungs and I am opening my eyes. My head hurts. Where is everyone? I can't see very well. I feel heavy and sleepy. I like sleep.

Then sound returns to my ears.

"…Fastest Harrowing I have ever seen…" Well when you put it that way…

"…Simply amazing…" Oh stop you're making me blush.

"…Cullen take her to her room…" Eh? Are you out of your sodding mind? Do none of you remember that rumors of him and I being 'involved'? Don't you touch me! Hey! I am not a sack of grain Ser! I may not be able to fight you but…oh he's _warm_…I will zap your sorry Templar tin can…hey he kind of smells nice...hm the rocking is soothing. I think I need more physical contact that doesn't come from a fainting Templar.

I Think we are going down the first flight of steps, don't quote me on that. Maybe my harrowing will blow over the silly stories people have concocted. We make it down the first hall without any problems. Well, except that some strands of my hair are caught in Cullen's armor and it pulls every time he takes a step. There is a lot of walking involved when going anywhere in the tower.

Did I already state that it is the most ridiculously constructed tower in the realm? I did? Good. I will state it again then.

The second set of stairs jars me, but I still can't open my eyes. That really took it out of me. I was alright to just be carried to bed. No worries and no thoughts about the ruined rest of my life.

That is, until we passed the chapel, which as usual, destroyed everything. I can't tell you who was talking and I don't want to know because if I had possessed the strength too, I would have beaten them against the statute of Andraste. Face first.

"It's Cullen and that mage!" Yes. Just scream it out why don't you? Whose bright idea was it for Cullen of all people to carry me down? Who?

"Oh they look so sweet together." Uh…I am uncomfortable now. Cullen walk faster.

"Shh! A Templar and a… _mage_ could never be." Say my classification like a curse again when I have my strength back you tart! I'll mage your ass to the four corners of Fereldan.

"I overheard" one of them said quickly. "Her and the mage that prays everyday talking about him once."

Cullen…why are you slowing down? Also, you are a liar! I hardly ever spoke to her and we _never _talked about him. Never!

"Well go on! What did she say?" An eager and excited half-whisper urged.

"Solona was going on about how wonderful Cullen was!" Why are you girls sighing? This is not a damn fairytale! He and I are the victims of a hooker-bitch! Stop doing this to me Maker! I only cheat at games that don't matter I swear! I am not a bad person! "She said that Cullen was the single most amazing man the Maker ever created." Well that is a bit much. I would never say anything close to that even if I was in love with someone. Well this makes it easier. He won't listen to such obvious lies.

Uh...Cullen you're holding me a little tight. He cradles my head a little closer to him. Wow. I am really uncomfortable right now.

"I heard she offered to make herself a tranquil if it meant she was able to be with him." I admit I had thought about being a tranquil, but it had nothing to do with Cullen! This is absolutely insane! These people were worse than the fade demons! Proving, yet again, that religious zealots are evil creatures.

I felt him stop at the last part. Everyone, well just about everyone, hates the idea of being tranquil. To offer for it is seen as madness among the mages and a sacrifice for the greater good among the Templars. I really, really, really, don't want to even guess what is going through the Templar's mind.

Is there a stray arrow somewhere that could come flying in the window, rickety a few times, and pierce me in the heart? That would be lovely. Like right now! Because he just brushed a lock of hair from my face.

"Poor thing! She will wish that they had let her when she wakes." I sense brewing plot lines in my 'tragic love'. "I heard she confessed to him and he cruelly turned her away. Even ask the Second Enchanter! The little dear was sobbing her eyes out." Interesting. Would I get a enough sympathy that people would ask? Excellent! Simply excellent.

"He rejected her? I know it is the Templar duty not to have relations with anyone…but how sad. She must have such an unrequited love for him." Gagging. In my head I am gagging. This was looking so promising a moment ago. It really had been.

Luckily we left that floor because suddenly Cullen was moving as if abominations were after him. Thank the Maker, I don't want to hear another word about this. We are on the mages floor. Third floor…just two more floors and I can curl up into a ball and hide in mortification.

Horror. That is all I feel. Just horror as more strings of conversations float to my already abused ears.

"…She fought with Meghan…" I did. And I whipped her soundly I think.

"...Told her Cullen was with Meghan…" What? Eww! Triple eww! I never want an image of that common prostitute with anyone. The range of diseases she must carry alone is staggering.

Cullen, if you don't stop slowing down for every bit of gossip you hear, I will kill you. We just had a talk this morning about all of this. Well you talked about not feeling a certain way about me. So why are you listening to this? Move man! Make haste!

"…confessed, that she will only love him…" Wynne? Is that you? You crafty old woman! I still adore her but I will maim her along with the others on my ever-growing list of revenge.

"…Grey Warden…" Meh? What was that? Someone said Grey Warden! There was one here in the tower?

"…Irving said they want recruits…" Sweet baby Andraste! The Grey wardens were recruiting? I want to jump for joy. Sign me up! Get me out of here! I will do whatever you want me to. Huh…that sounded dirty. Ha ha. That was dirty.

Seriously though. When I am to my full potential again I am going to try and get recruited. If they are not here in the Tower I will go find them. Then, I can get away from this rumor-mill and live my own life. Far away from tales of how I 'burn with eternal love' for Cullen. I still know nothing about the man!

Who could believe such idiocy?

My mind is turning a thousand ways at once and I don't hear anything else around me. I feel Cullen set me down and the yelp as the hair that was caught in his armor yanks out of my scalp. I think I have a bald spot now. This day just gets better and better.

The weight shifts on my bed. What is going-…?

…

…..

…..

Cullen just kissed my cheek.

…

…

…

I will sprint to the Grey Warden's as fast as my legs can carry me. I swear it. Just, let me catch a few moments of sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks to those that have read, and a very hearty thanks to those that have reviewed!**

**So after much debate, I am switching to an M rating for the later parts of the story. Also for those that are hard core fans to actual play line…I really doubt that Duncan would have been the only Grey Warden at the tower. First off, if he thought it was a blight…there is no way he would be traveling solo. Secondly if it is official business there would have at least been two of them. So I will have 'Random Grey Warden A' in this part of the story, Thanks.**

**Also I own nothing and this is most likely not suitable for work.**

**Enjoy!**

OoOoOo

So the little problem with listening to rumors is that you never know when they are true. For example, my running around the Tower for the better part of the morning looking for the fabled 'Grey Wardens'. Which, it turns out, after I had a very stiff conversation with First Enchanter Irving, that the honored 'guests' would not be here until later in the evening.

Fade's bells! Curse all of these people and their lack of credible information!

I sigh. Today once again has not been a good day so far. I say that because well, first I woke up to Jowan being three inches from my face. Not a pleasant surprise by any means. It is by far the scariest thing I have ever woken up to. So of course, being that I was startled, I screamed. Now that in and of itself might not have been so bad. However, as a reflex, I tried to bat him away.

Once again, not so terrible; but he caught my hand and held it so I wouldn't hit him. In doing so he I tried to pull my hand back and that caused him to kneel on my bed for some balance. So let's go over this from a different point of view. I want to be sure you get how bad this day started. I have slept in my robe. In my sleep it has ridden up a little, nothing immodest to be sure. My robe has also had a few of the top buttons come undone as I moved about in my sleep. Yet again, nothing immodest about that.

So I am lying on my side, propped up on one elbow as I attempted to strike at Jowan. He has grabbed my hand and held it. He fell with his knees on my bed. Now you know what happened and so do I. However, to the Templar that came rushing into my room at the sound of my distress, it looked entirely different. I can sympathize with the Templar, never thought I would say that, because it looked for the entire world like my friend might be trying to compromise me against my will.

Yeah it is really gross to think about. I have known Jowan since we were nine. Pseudo-incest not an attractive thought.

I honestly think that I am the opposite of Andraste. That woman was blessed by the Maker. I seem to be very much cursed by the fickle bastard.

So then the Templar vaults himself at Jowan. Jowan is screaming like a little girl. I really don't blame him though a 200 pound man in a full set or armor squashing you against a stone floor doesn't sound like something I want to try. I figured out what the Templar was on about when he started calling Jowan a 'degenerate bastard'.

"W-wait! Please it's not what you think." I try to reason with the Templar. "He wasn't going to hurt me!" I scramble to my feet and fall in my haste. I had forgotten that I was wearing my robes and so my feet became tangled and I feel to the floor.

The ruckus calls other Templars from down the hall. They get an eye-full of Jowan being handled like an angry cat. He is desperately trying to tell the Templar that this was all innocent. Which it was! His robes are bunched behind his neck and I think the Templar is choking him. Good move…I mean…poor Jowan!

"What is going on here!" One of them exclaims. I am fumbling to stand.

"Ser-!" I start.

"This _mage_ was trying to force himself on that girl over there." My face goes slack in shock. Oh no…this could go very badly. It is then, as their eyes all rake my form, that I realize my robe is crumpled. Because I was sleeping in it! My hair is fussed and loose. Once more, because I was sleeping! And the most damming bit of supposed evidence is because some of the buttons at the top of my robe are undone.

I must say though, catching a glimpse of myself in there extra-shiny armor, I looked very sexy; If I do say so myself. Which, well, I do.

"I wasn't trying to _force _ myself on her! I was simply trying to wake her!" Jowan wailed in distress.

Jowan looks at me pleadingly. "It-It's true." I stutter out. This is rather embarrassing and I have had just about enough embarrassment for a life time! "He wasn't trying to …force… himself on me!' I stated a bit louder.

It would seem, for whatever the reason, that they don't believe either of us and so we are kept at opposite sides of the room until Irving arrives. Have you ever had a man, who has never even been in a relationship, try to comfort you? Well I have and talk about horrible. The last thing you do is ask 'Where did he touch you?' or 'Could you tell if it was a 'bad' touch?'. I try again and again to explain it to them, but they won't listen.

Maker preserve me! I am horrified. Simply horrified. There are not even words to describe how bad this is.

Until Irving walks in with Greagoire and I just about faint at the ensuing chaos. I stepped forward quickly trying to reach Irving's side.

"First Enchanter Please! This is not what it looks like I swear!" My voice feels like I have swallowed a baby bird. It is chirpy and cracks frequently.

They all seem so grave. Well this is a very serious situation! They are accusing Jowan of…well…uh…you know.

"Calm yourself mage Amell." His tone is all authority and I am ready to have this whole disaster behind me. "Tell me what happened."

I am talking incredibly fast, even more so than normal. I explain everything. The fact that Jowan had woke me, but was too close and it startled me. I explained that my appearance was due to my falling asleep in my clothes and that he had not attempted to touch me in any way except to stop me from harming him.

I hop nervously from one foot to the other while the men in the room all exchange glances. What? It's the truth damn you all! Let my friend go and let me go find the Grey Warden's so that I can be free of you all.

For FREEDOM! I bellow in my head.

Wolf toes! I missed something again. "Amell?" Irving is asking me a question. I soot a look to Jowan who is still looking like they are going to chop off his jewels. Which they might, I have no idea how this sort of situation is handled. I don't think it has ever come up that I can remember.

Jowan starts dancing around a little to hurry me up. I look back at Irving who is growing more and more upset. "What was the question?" I ask with my voice straining from the tension.

Irving relaxes his face a little and that makes me more nervous because he is 'scary calm' Irving. I hate this! How do these people have such blank looks on their faces even when they are supremely angered? "Did Jowan, at any time, use magic on you?"

What? Where the fade did that come from? Magic? I swear the older I get, the less I understand these people.

"No… Jowan did not at any time use magic on me." I said clearly confused. Greagoire searches my eyes and nods to Irving.

"If Jowan behaved in any way that was …improper…you would tell me wouldn't you Mage Amell?" I'm starting to feel like I have walked into a trap somehow…This is getting weird.

"Yes." My answer is simple and uncomplicated. I look at Jowan who is doing a fantastic impersonation of a hung pig.

"If he has threatened you in any manner you can tell me right now and not have to fear consequences. You will be protected child." His eyes are soft and worried. Aww. That is so sweet! I blink back a few tears because, well, you never really feel all that cared for in here sometimes. I can't help it. I run into Irving and throw my arms around him. Had I actually been in any trouble it was excellent to know that my words would have been taken seriously.

Crying was a bad idea it turns out. Irving was hugging me back and started petting my hair. "He cannot hurt you." Uh…oops. I forgot that is what we were talking about for a moment. I stepped back as Jowan starts screaming again not to l let them take him.

"First Enchanter! I swear he did not touch me, he did not harm me and I would tell you if he did. Please let him go!" I plead. Irving is scrutinizing me, and so is every other man in the room. Finally, after a few tense breaths, they release Jowan and the men march out. The Templar that had a hold of him shoots Jowan a nasty glare and makes a motion to suggest 'I'm watching you.'

Jowan is near sobbing on the floor. I keel down and shush him. He looks mildly angry with me. Well, really angry with me, but it wasn't my fault! You don't go leaning into someone's face to wake them!

"This is terrible! Just Terrible" I agree with him. "What is Lilly going to think of when she hears this?" Hold on, let's go back a second, Lilly? The initiate to the Chantry Lilly? ….Kinky…

"Initiate Lilly?" My curiosity does get the best of my sometimes, I think it adds to my charm.

I watch Jowan still as the question penetrates his haze of self-pity, Only I am entitled to that thank you. "Yes…she…well…She is the woman I have been seeing." Hm. Now I understand why he didn't let me meet her earlier. Then I am irritated because there little romance would have made much juicer gossip. So why was I chosen? Oh…right…Meghan.

Still.

"Wow."

"They already don't want to give me my harrowing! I am going to be made tranquil! They will take everything I am from me. My dreams, hopes, fears, and even my love for Lilly! All Gone!" Jown wiled. Um. I didn't know that he was going to be made tranquil. No on is supposed to know that until it happens, unless you volunteer.

"Being tranquil isn't so bad?" I wince at my own question because well, it might be. But _I'm_ not going to be made tranquil and at least he won't be killed for um…drinking from the holy chalice…so to speak.

"Is it? It's just another kind of death!" he glared at me petulantly. Well yeah, he's kind of right, but I am not going to tell him that. "They'll extinguish my humanity. I will just be a husk! Breathing and existing but not truly living." But you would look so good with a shaved head! I could see it now. He would be more rugged and tough.

"What are you going to do about it then?" I am a bit worried. There really is nothing he could do, that wouldn't be drastic. "It's not like you can escape." I joke. He is serious. Well…Andraste's flaming sword! Don't say it! Don't say it!

"I need to escape!" He said it. "I need to destroy my phylactery! Without it they cannot track me down." This plan is so full of holes that I could see through it. "We will need your help. Lilly and I cannot do this on our own." What? Let me get this straight you want me to not only help you turn apostate, but you want me to help a priest-in-training go with you. Oh wonderful. Like my life doesn't suck up to my eyeballs already.

"Jowan…" This is more madness than even I was thinking of! "What you are suggesting is dangerous. Why would I help you get yourself killed?" Clearly this Lilly is a neglectful girlfriend to let Jowan think that this is a good idea. What was this woman doing to him? I must be the only voice of reason in this whole damn tower.

"Aren't you sick and tired of the Circle running your life?" Well now that you mention it. I could be. "You could get out of here with us!" Huh. I suppose I could. Let's see fight dark spawn with the Grey Wardens…turn apostate….fight dark spawn with the Grey Wardens….turn apostate. Well the first option seemed like a lot more work and the second seemed like a lot of running.

I need a coin. I will flip on it. As I am scrounging around for my change, Jowan huffs indignantly. "Oh quiet you!" I hiss at him. "My phylactery is already gone, I will still be traceable."

"You will be out of here and gone before they can even dispatch a messenger to the city." That is a good point. I could be so far away in a country that has never even heard about the Circle or my love saga! Oh this is so deliciously tempting. I whimper. I want to! I really do! As I teeter on the brink of a decision Jowan lands a low blow that sent me reeling over the edge. "You're talented and clever!" Do go on. "You could take your phylactery back from your hunters if you wished." Well that is a distinct possibility…"Once you are free they wouldn't be able to stop you!" I shake my head to clear the image of a maniacal me cackling over a sea of fallen Templars. I went a little dark there for a moment, but I am pulling myself back.

"Jowan…I can't." I mumble back at him. It's too dangerous. I would rather serve the cause of killing dark spawn than just run away without purpose. Also the idea of constantly trying to avoid Templars is not one for the 'secret dreams' page. Well…maybe if it was an attractive Templar…Oh bad mage! Bad mage!

"You owe me Solona! Especially after what just happened!" Ouch! Just twist my arm why don't you. I sigh. It is rather hard to argue with that logic. I do…sort of….in a roundabout way…possibly might need to help him. Damn you conscience! Who told you that you had permission to speak?

"I..Fine. Fine I will help you." I know I am going regret this. It had better be one seriously handsome Templar chasing me down. I scowl at him. We had better not get caught.

"Thank you! You will not regret this." No, I won't, because I already do. I rub my temples. "What is the plan Jowan?"

"Lilly says that we can break into the storage room where my Phylactery is being held!" Oh is that all? Gee, I wonder why no one else thought of this…oh right…because it's suicide! Ugh. Well it is still better than being in this damn Gossip mongering tower. But only slightly.

"Alright." I said slowly. "How do we do that?" I raise an eyebrow. Please let them have thought this out.

"Go get a fire rod and we can burn a hole through the door." Burn a hole? Through what in without question, a warded door? Are you freaking serious? This is the stupidest plan I have ever heard of.

"That is the stupidest plan I have ever heard." Oops. I hadn't meant to say that out loud. He glowers at me.

"It will work!" Great now he is all huffy. Fine, have it your way. We are going to get caught.

"I will go get the rod. Meet me down in the basement." I mutter angrily. This is pointless. Why am I even going through with this? I really don't know. I think there is a pang of guilt in my head somewhere. I squish it. Let's just get this over with.

So after a lot of hassle, and killing a boat load of large spiders, I have the rod. I hate spiders. Truly despise them. They scare me a lot. Predominantly when they are my size with clacking jaws, those look like they could gobble my arm in one bite. Then the freaky bug eyes! I hate the eyes the most. Jowan had better name all of his children after me for this! All of them!

On my way to the supply room I was accosted by Irving demanding I bring the Grey Warden Duncan to his room. I readily agree. The whole way there I talked his ear off about joining the Grey Wardens. He seemed very nice. He answered my questions and asked if I could join. He was a little evasive about it. I thought they wanted recruits!

Dissatisfied with the meeting I tried to evade the other mages and their false sympathies about my 'Lost love'. Or the questions about what I was doing with Cullen. I am not doing anything with the man! I hardly know him. He kissed my cheek, that was it, and it was very awkward. I started jogging to the supply room.

Finally, weary with a slip of paper I gave Owain what he wanted so that I could have this tiny rod. I thoroughly hate bureaucracy right now.

Now I am down the steps into the basement below and there is Jowan and his cow…er…love. Yeah, I am talking about you. That's right look at me like I'm the brazen hussy that is going to get us all killed. What a surprise your stupid password and the rod do nothing! Oh who saw that coming? That's right I did. What a shock!

So now I am stuck running around down here with a love sick pair as we battle guardians. Guardians they neglected to tell me about. They won't make it out of this tower. I am going to use their bodies to throw the Templars off my track.

Whoa! Pay attention Solona! That guardian just nearly took your head off. The bastards better not have cut my hair. Ok less evil thoughts more dodging and spells. I moved slightly and threw up a glyph of repulsion. Take that! One more to go. Jowan and Lilly are somewhere, I can't see them. The last one goes down with a well-placed arcane bolt.

I find them cowering practically in a room full of items. Oh…shiny staff! I'll take that." What? Clearly no one was using it before I took it anyway Jowan." I pointed out slightly annoyed. He is out here with a chantry tart and I take one staff and suddenly there are morals. Double standard jerk. There were some neat things in the repository. I, myself, wanted to have a chat with the talking statue, but Lilly was rambling on about 'evil' and 'dangerous'. Bah! What does she know? She doesn't have magic.

Anyway we need into the other room.

I had a stroke of brilliance when I blew open the wall. Now, why it was a perfectly portal-shaped hole, I couldn't tell you. It's almost like someone wanted me to know where to fire. That's crazy talk I know, but it's true. They hid it behind a bookcase, and then there was molding for an archway and everything. Bizarre.

Now I am standing in a room with all sorts of vials of blood. It's actually very creepy. It's also cold and Jowan heads right for his. Thousands of them in here and he knows almost exactly which one is his. This doesn't seem right. I shift my gaze around the room. Nope. No hoards of Templars streaming in from the walls shouting 'Stop!'. I suppose that is a good thing. Jowan smashed his phylactery. Great I have blood on my shoes. Thanks friend. I guess it's done then.

Still it would be foolish not to be on edge. Hm. I need a false name outside this tower. I can't just walk around calling myself 'Solona'. I suppose I could look like a Kaitlin, or a Sarah, ooh how about Rosemary? Meh. No. Those aren't very good at all. I need something that will distinguish me, but not too much.

I'll think of that later. Where am I going to go? I heard Antiva is pretty. I could even be a –

DAMN YOU JOWAN! I knew that this was too easy! There are a six Templars, Greagoire, Irving, and the Grey Warden waiting for us. This is entirely your fault! Curse you! I knew this was going to happen. I really am the opposite of Andraste. Lucky dead wench.

"So what you said was true." Greagoire starts. I stare slack-jawed at the turn of events. I awkwardly wave 'hello' to everyone. They are incredibly rude and do not wave back.

"Greagoire" Lilly says. Wait a minute she just said his first name. Has something been going on between the Knight-Commander and the initiate? I crane my neck to look at her. She must get around. The chantry has some naughty naughty members.

"The initiate conspiring with a blood mage." Blood mage? This is the first time I have heard _anything_ about blood magic! Wait! I changed my mind. I don't want to help him! "I am surprised at you. She seems shocked but fully in control of her own mind. Not a thrall of the blood mage then." Uh…no. No thrall. Just unbelievable stupidity on my part and theirs. "You wre right Irving." Crafty old codgers. "The initiate has betrayd us. The Chantry will not let this go unpunished." Oh. That sounded bad.

Then he rounds on me. "And this one." I have a name you know. What happened to 'I am sorry for your loss'? You have a mercurial nature Knight-Commander. "Newly a mage and already flouting the rules of the Circle." I have no retort for that. You win this time Greagoire.

"I am disappointed in you." Irving tells me sadly. Meh. I'm disappointed that we don't have more social outings, but I will live. Well I hope I will live through this anyway. "You could have told me what you and they had planned, and you didn't." Of course I didn't! What would have been the point of trying to run away if I told you? I swear these people just don't think.

"You don't care for the mages! You just bow to the Chantry's every whim." Jowan. Pissing off the people that have out lives in their hands is the worst negotiating skill I have ever seen. I agree with him. Heck I am going to die anyway, why not go out the way I came in. Screaming.

"He is right! I will stand by my friend!" A bit sappy I suppose, but I'll be dead soon enough anyway.

Bigger shock than being caught was Jowan going nuts and _actually_ performing blood magic! Call me crazy, but I thought it was just another rumor, or another accusation to sentence Jowan. Did not see that coming. Really I didn't. The men are knocked down by his spell when they threatened to take Lilly to Aenor.

She should have been head over heels for Jowan. He just took on six people and whipped them soundly. She isn't. Fade no. the heifer is spouting off about how she doesn't know him and he is to stay away from her. Jowan runs away. I am debating if I can kill Lilly before everyone recovers.

Sadly, I don't get the chance. They are all back on their feet shaking their heads. Duncan is looking at me strangely. He had better not be getting any ideas. The man is as old as I am sure my father must be. Oh good. He's not thinking bad thoughts.

He just conscripted me. Yay! The other Grey Warden with him tilts his head I acknowledgement of m. I grin right back at him.

I do a mental celebration in my head. I am going to be a Grey Warden! I am free from the tower! Yay! Then I am strutting down the halls with my head held high. Oh yeah! Look and die from envy. I pass by Cullen and flash a smile. Have a good life! I won't have to worry about any of these damn stories again.

Aww. He flushed as red as his hair. What the heck. I wink at him as Duncan, the other Grey warden, and I walk out the door.

We are going to Ostagar. With the sadness of Jowan behind me, may he stay safe, I am sure that all of my bad luck is over with now. I just know it!


	4. Chapter 4

**I own nothing**

**Rated M**

**Most likely not work appropriate. Don't blame me if you get in trouble!**

**Hey also, quick question, feel free to send me a message (does not need to be a review), would you rather Cullen come in earlier or later? Story is ok to swing either way. Will follow the game play mostly and it will also have some spoilers for Awakenings and what not.**

**Sweet. Thank you to those that reviewed and thanks to all who read. Enjoy.**

OoOoOo

I don't think I have ever been so happy in my whole life. I mean here I am outside the tower, in the company of brave and good men. Who, by the way, are not Templars! This is amazing. I had long forgotten the feel of direct sunlight. I missed the feel of the wind and weather around me. Oh this was simply lovely.

We camped at night and sometimes Duncan and the other Warden, who I have named Random Warden A (RWA) because I forgot his actual name and I don't want to have to ask because I feel it would be rude, sometimes tell me stories about the order. They are all fascinating and surprisingly polite for mixed company,

One slight complication, well major complication, was Duncan continuously hinting if I needed to talk. At first I couldn't figure out what he meant. I talked to him about everything from the studies I had taken, to my favorite food. This only seemed to amuse him and make him a little more evasive.

Then the morning before we actually reached Ostagar he just went ahead and brazenly asked me "Are you sure you will be fit to fight?" What? Where did that come from?

"Why wouldn't I be?" I am truly confused. I have no injuries that I know of and I have no special conditions to which considerations must be made.

Duncan's eyes look down for a moment and RWA seems to have something stuck in his throat. I say that because he sounds like he is trying to clear a deer out of there. I shift my eyes between them. Something is going on here.

"I know you left your lover." Whoa! Hold it! No!

"He was _never_ my lover!" I declare loudly. "He was just a Templar! I hardly even knew the man!" I frantically wave my arms around. No more of this! I am free! No more!

Duncan looks torn between pity and frustration. Pick frustration. I will like you better. "One hardly declares that they will 'Forever love' someone they barely know." His voice is full of reproach.

Yep that came back to bite me. I doubt I will be sitting for a week. "No. No. It's all a misunderstanding. I only said that because there was this silly story going around that I asked him to let me bare him a dozen children. Which I did not do by the way." I insisted earnestly. I am not some Templar crazy mageling. I swear I am not. However, like I stated earlier, if It were an attractive Templar, I might make an exception…

But this is about Cullen. He and I have not even said more than twenty words combined to one another. How in this side of Theades could people somehow irrevocably believe that I adored this man? Sure he seemed nice enough and he wasn't exactly unpleasant to look at, but I do not love him! Not to say that he doesn't deserve love, it's just not me who loves him. Did that make sense? Oh I don't even know where to –

"Solona? Did you hear me?" Duncan has stopped much farther down the path. Well it would seem that I just kept walking lost in my own thoughts.

"Um. No. I'm sorry did you ask me a question." I have really got to start paying more attention to people when they talk to me.

"He said that we need to turn here." RWA tells me and I think he is laughing at me. I narrow my eyes. Ok. Go ahead and laugh. We will see how funny you think this is when I refuse to heal you. Is it funny now? No, I didn't think so. Men.

I can feel the heat of my embarrassment glowing on my cheeks. Curses! I am blushing and we all know it.

"Ha. Ha. Ha. Sorry about that." I trailed off and resolutely walked back toward the Wardens. I can't read a map to save my life, not that I have a map anyway. My point was that I do tend to get lost rather easily. This makes tromping about the land a bit of an accomplishment for me.

It is also the reason that Duncan has kept such a close eye on me. Let's just say there was an incident where I was sent to get water and didn't come back for three hours because I got lost. I didn't' think it was that funny. I have lived in a tower for the better part of my life. Not a lot of twists and turns or wide spaces to worry about.

However, now my predicament is that both the men are glancing at me. For rogues they suck at stealth. Yes I know you are looking at me. Stop looking at me. I DON'T LOVE HIM! "Yes?" I snapped at the next one to stare at me.

"I am sorry if I asked something I shouldn't have." Duncan was apologizing and I felt my heart soften toward him. Well that was very sweet of him. I feel somewhat mollified.

"It is fine. Nothing to apologize for." I grit my teeth. Please just drop the subject.

Mercifully they do.

Then the last day is filled with silence. I am not fond of silence. It makes me feel like I am alone, and I hate to be alone really. When you are cast out or taken from your family to live among strangers who then become a surrogate family, being alone is almost the worst sort of punishment for some. I don't like being alone.

OoOoOo

Holy Andraste! There are so many people here! A lot of busy people let me tell you. There are soldiers running to and fro. I nearly ran over an elf messenger. I honestly didn't see him! Then I see other mages! Well I saw the Templars first, and then, as I tried to run right by them to speak to the other mages, they stopped me.

"These mages are entering the fade, they cannot be disturbed."

Pointing out that I was from the tower did nothing. Well, almost nothing. One of them asked me if I was the mage everyone was talking about when they left the tower.

I lied. What? Did you expect me to admit to that? Fade no! "Uh. No. I am…someone else." Well I never said it was a good lie.

They just shooed me off and I spent the rest of the time exploring. Then I spotted Wynne. How had she gotten here before me? I tried to sneak by without her noticing me. Need I remind you that I am a mage and not a rogue? No? I should have reminded myself and just backtracked. She caught me trying to walk slowly by her. I should have noticed that everyone else was rushing.

"Solona?" Her voice rang out and I nearly jumped out of my robe.

"Wynne?" Damn. Smile and try to look innocent. "It's so good to see you!" I can't stop the nervous laughter. I wonder if she has heard how I left the tower.

"How are you dear child? What are you doing here?" Hm. Nope she hasn't heard a thing yet or I would be getting the biggest verbal beating of my life. Why spoil a good thing? I decide not to tell her.

"I have been recruited by the Grey Wardens." I am rather proud of how mature I sound. This is a prestigious honor, one that I am not taking lightly, and I am showing just how honored I am by it.

Her white brows arch almost to her hairline. Really? It can't be that big of a shock. I am good mage blast you! Why am I even talking to you? Yes, I know I adore you, but right now I don't like you. "The Grey Wardens? Well. I wish you luck Solona." Oh. Now I feel bad about overreacting. "I simply hope this isn't an attempt to get Cullen to want you." I take it all back. Wynne is an evil person. She said that so flippantly.

"THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH CULLEN!" I shout so loudly that everyone nearby turns and stars at me. Awkward. I need to pay more attention to my surroundings. I sigh. Great. I'm not even in camp for an hour and everyone already thinks I must be crazy.

"I think you are protesting that a bit too much." Wynne grins at me and I can actually feel my eye twitching. I don't think I can stop it. "However, I am sure that the Grey Wardens have more important duties for you than standing here talking to me." An escape! I dart toward where Duncan has disappeared to. I slink away and pray fervently that Wynne doesn't talk to anyone about this.

I busy myself in mind-less tasks like finding Daveth and Ser Jory. Daveth…was…uh…well he was a hormone driven sex-fiend. I asked him to watch my back and regretted it the instant he started laughing about how he would 'watch' my back. I called him a charmer, but I don't think he got the sarcasm. Ser Jory seemed like a nervous man. No spine that one. I don't think he will make a good Grey Warden. I'm not even sure why they picked him.

Then lo and behold I am walking around to find Alistair. Apparently this 'Alistair' is the newest Grey Warden. Why he has wandered off into the other side of camp I don't know. It takes a very long time to find everyone. Like I said, I don't know my directions well.

Hm. A young man and my fellow mage arguing. It's a boring argument filled with petty pot shots. I am willing to bet this is Alistair.

"You know one good thing about the Blight? How it brings people together." Alistair is muttering at me. Then I think he has actually noticed I am here.

"I know what you mean." I really don't I am just trying to make polite conversation.

"Wait. We haven't met, have we? I don't suppose you happen to be another mage" he asks slightly hopeful.

Aww. You're out of luck sweetie. "Yes, I am indeed a mage." I smarmily brought my hand down the length of my robe. My dress code is a little hard to miss. Who else would be wearing cloth?

"I should have recognized you right away. I apologize." Is he blushing? I feel a pang of sympathy. I _suppose_ I should be nice. I was just complaining about being embarrassed a moment ago. Curse my sweet disposition!

"That's alright." I smiled at him. Be at ease. I don't like men who run around with large swords to be nervous around me. "No offense taken."

Good. Good. Be calm. "As the junior member of the order, I'll be accompanying you when you prepare for the Joining" He flashed a smile. You know, he has surprisingly nice teeth. I don't know why I have noticed, but I have. They are very nice teeth. Huh.

"Pleased to meet you. My name is Solona." I reach my hand out to shake his. Which he ignored. Nice teeth, but slightly rude. Got to log that away.

"You know... it just occurred to me that there have never been many women in the Grey Wardens. I wonder why that is?" Oh I can think of a few reasons if this is how you act around mages. Or women for that matter. Is it especially bad for you because I am a female mage?

Wait… Are we flirting? Think of something alluring…"Probably because we are too smart for you?" Well other women maybe, but not me. Stupid mouth!

He laughed. Oh well, that wasn't so bad then. I need to try this flirting thing more. "Then what does that make you?" He tilted his head at me.

Good question. What did that make me? "Just one of the boys?" I shrugged because I had no idea what I was supposed to say. He laughed again. I must be good at this!

"So, I'm curious: Have you ever actually encountered darkspawn before?" Well that was a bit of a random tangent. However, I will humor you.

"No. I haven't" I have never even seen one before. I have seen an abomination, but that is not what he asked. Suddenly it is easy banter between us and we talk about the Grey Wardens and I tell him I look forward to traveling with him. He seems vaguely surprised by it. Well I have manners you know. Unlike some people. I gave him a pointed look.

Then we walk back to the bonfire where Duncan is standing with the other two recruits. I hadn't heard a thing about them, but they knew all about me. Why is this like the tower all over again? Everyone knows my business before I do! Either way, despite me vast annoyance, we are sent out to the Kocari Wilds. Oh joy.

Not like there were Chaisind and wolves out there. No. Of course not. Just as we are walking toward the gate, I was stopped by the pitiful whining of a hound. Oh! Puppy!...Er…Mabari! I swiftly turned to the right and the men followed me.

That's right. You heard me correctly. Three grown male warriors and they are placing the small squishy female in front of them. By squishy I mean that I have no armor on. I am a damn creation mage. I have healing powers, not' I explode your head with my frost bolt' powers. This seems to have escaped their notice. I have no sharp-pointy blades to embed in anyone. Heck, I can't even shoot a bow.

So guess who gets to go first? Me. Brilliant plan assholes.

Anyway, back to the mabari. The kennel mast, who looks a little like Duncan…wonder if they are related, asks me to bring him back a flower while I am out in the wilds. I agree. I love dogs! That might be a good thing because I have heard many outsiders say that the whole of Fereldan smells like wet dog. I don't smell it. I think they are lying just to be insulting.

Then the guard is wishing us luck as we march straight into the wilds. I hate wolves. I love dogs, I hate wolves. Especially when there are about a dozen of the little blighters. I am trying to heal the men as best as I can. However, Alistair has this nasty habit of charging into the fray head first. Tactics was apparently not his strong suit. I am never going to be on the receiving of that shield bash however. Also he appears to have Templar training. Well it explains the jab about being a mage.

Hate you Maker, just in case you are listening.

So what happens the first time I try to heal him? The idiot drains my magic! I'm sorry was I supposed to scream out. 'I am going to heal you now. There will be magic involved!'? No. I shouldn't have to, because, that is ridiculous. So now I am nauseous and reeling a little. Ugh. This is worse than drinking with the other apprentices when we thought no one was looking. The world is tilting.

I just got shot in the side. Maker's weeping sores! This stings like fire! Oh. It is fire. I'm on fire! Wolves can't cast flame spells! I frantically look around and see that there are a few darkspawn in the hill to our left.

OH MY. They are hideous! They smell horrible! I'm going to be sick. Ow. I'm still on fire.

I roll around to stop the flames and stand furious. I take a lyrium potion I had bought at the merchant's stand. I down it and feel the first sweet pulse of magic. I missed you!

Take that! Arcane bolt to the face! I gave a rather impolite gesture that Daveth caught and suddenly he is laughing. I quirk my lips in a smile at the sound and cast a glyph of warding over him. I like you now, you pervert.

Then everything is lost in a haze a killing and walking. Mostly walking then a lot of killing. We search high and low for those damn documents. I heal myself and the others, after I argue with Alistair to warn me when he plans to drain me dry. Daveth snickered at the comment. I giggled in my head because I just got the joke. Along the way, we get our vials of blood. Eww. I am not carrying them. Stop looking at me. You carry them. They smell like stale poo and vomit. That's why you get to carry them.

I also found my flower. It was like one of three flowers in these whole wilds. The kennel master said they were everywhere. Rotten liar. I should make him come out here and get his own. Then I think about that poor mabari and relent.

Finally! Finally we find the old tower Duncan was talking about. This was an incredible journey to do all in one day's time! Especially to get it all done before nightfall. Geez I thought the harrowing was tedious, this is had. I reach fro the broken chest that lay nestled at the back of the ruins. Empty. Not surprised, just disheartened.

"Well, well what have we here?" HOLY MAKER! My heart is thundering in my ears. I hate when people sneak up on me. Hm. A scantily clad woman…whoopee. "Are you a vulture, I wonder?" She starts to descend down toward us and I walk in time with her steps. I can tell she is a mage. The staff on her back gave it away. "A scavenger? Poking amidst a corpse whose bones were long since picked clean?" Well aren't you one for poetic imagery.

"Or merely an intruder, come into these darkspwan filled wilds of mine in search of easy prey?" How does she get her eyebrow to do that? She has quiet the speech rehearsed for this. She glares at me. What? "What say you, hm? Scavenger or intruder?" well, you are a bossy little bit of goods aren't you?

Fine. You want to have a mage pissing contest I can do that. "I am neither. The Grey Wardens once owned this tower." I return her glare with my own. She smirks at me. I am beginning not to like you. Though I must say, that is a very nice outfit. I wonder if she has a spare.

"'Tis a tower no longer. The wilds have obviously claimed this desiccated corpse." Wow. You really like to talk about corpses. You sure are a delicate flower. I shrug at her. I have nothing to say. She walks closer. "I have watched your progress for some time." Ok, now this is getting creepy. "Where do they go? I wondered. Why are they here?" Well forward and because. That is all you need to know. "Now you disturb ashes that none have touched for so long. Why is that?" …Why is that? You know, I never bothered to ask. Well when I found out I will let you know.

"Don't answer her. She looks chasined. That means others may be nearby." Alistair warned quietly. Yeah, I am sure more half-naked women are going to come streaming out of the wilds.

"You fear that barbarians will swoop down upon you?" I don't think he would be too worried if they were woman barbarians if my conversation with him is anything to go by.

He glares at her. "Yes. Swooping is bad."

"She's a Witch of the Wilds she is!" Daveth interrupted. "She'll turn us into toads." Well, maybe you three, but not me. Mages code and what not.

"Witch of the Wilds" she sneered at us. Hey I didn't say it." Such idle fantasies those legends." She looked at me. "have you no minds of your own? You there." Who me?" Women do not frighten like little boys" No they frighten like little girls, thanks for the biology lesson 'Tell me your name and I shall tell you mine."

….Ok….

"My name is Solona. A pleasure to meet you." Did she just smile at me? Oh how nice.

"Now that is a proper civil greeting! Even here in the wilds." She gestures at me. "_You_ may call me Morrigan." Once more…Ok…

"Shall I guess your purpose? Did you seek something in that chest? Something that is here no longer?" That was hardly a hard thing to guess. It's not like I was looking for a dress out here.

"Here no longer?" Alistair chimes in suspiciously. For once I agree with him. This is unusual for lack of a better word. "You stole them didn't you?" Yes. Please accuse the magic wielder I know nothing about. Do people not think before they speak? "You are some kind of sneaky..witch..thief." Huh. I expected better. Way to rebuttal there buddy.

"How very eloquent." Well she has a point. "How does one steal from dead men?" With nibble fingers and some nerve?

"Quiet easily it seems. Those documents are Grey Warden property and I suggest you return them." Alistair is glaring at her harder. Yes, because that worked so well the first time.

"I will not for 'twas not I who removed them! Invoke a name that means nothing any longer if you wish, I am not threatened." She sure sounds offended enough. Hey, I will play along.

"Who removed them then?" I ask, let's just get to the bottom of this.

"'twas my mother in fact." She flicked a piece of dirt off her shoulder in disinterest.

You still live with your mother? Eh. Alright then. "Could you take us to her?" It is going out on a limb, but maybe she will just agree.

"Such a sensible request!" She praised me. Now I feel like she might not be all together in her senses. "I like you." Well that is fine just keep your hands where I can see them and if I hear the sound of a rustling fabric , I am high-tailing it out of here.

Then I don't know how far we walked but I am standing in front of a crazy old woman. Who reeks of magic.

Fan-fading-tastic.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey thanks so much for the reviews. I am really happy if I made anyone laugh :D**

**Well I think I will go through Redcliffe and Then to the broken Circle and we will pick Cullen up after the Circle is saved. Bring in some angst to balance out the humor….a little.**

**I own nothing. **

**Rated M for cursing, mild sexual humor, and later chapters. Awesome!**

OoOoOo

"Greetings Mother. I bring before you four Grey Wardens who-" Morrigan has confirmed my thoughts. This is her mother. Well damn. They look similar so I know that she was birthed from this woman. However, this woman is much more powerful than Morrigan or me. Hey, I might be severe on myself, but I pack one fade of a magical wallop.

"I see them girl." My danger sense is going off now. Sweet Hurlock testicles…Something isn't right here. "Hm. Much as I expected." She was expecting us. Not good. It is never good when some powerful person, who you know nothing about, knows anything about you. Why? Why am I always the last one to know anything?

"Are we supposed to believe you were expecting us?" Alistair is trying for humor. Knock that crap off. Yes! Believe her. Oh you and I are going to have a chat about the right things to say. I swear this impudent little Templar is going to get me killed! I bet he's been planning this. Hm…

"You are required to do nothing. Least of all believe." Well _that_ didn't sound ominous. I can't help but think she is going to transform into some huge dragon and eat us. But, I am being silly aren't I? She is clearly a woman and not a dragon. Ha. Dragon… I'm thinking crazily, Daveth's talk of toads must be getting to me. It must be the wilds talking. "Shut one's eyes tight or open one's arms wide. Either way one's a fool." Well that actually is sound reasoning. Wait…this has to be going somewhere.

"She's a witch I tell you! We shouldn't be talking to her!" Yes, and you also shouldn't be doing the loudest whisper I have ever heard. Also, if she is a witch do you really want to make her angry? Then again, I'm 'technically' a witch and you tried to stare at my ass for the last three hours. Huh. No. No. I take it back, you are just stupid.

"Quiet Daveth. If she's really a witch, do you want to make her mad?" …Oh my Maker. Did someone, other than me, have an intelligent thought? I pinch myself just to be sure. Oh my! They did! Ser Jory, you have surprised me!

"There is a smart lad." Morrigan's mother crooned at Ser Jory. Uh...I'm afraid of you. "Sadly irrelevant in the grand scheme of things." Unease. Unease and sheer fear is coursing through my system. She really does sound like she knows what she is talking about. "But it is not I who decides." Well there goes one theory. "Believe what you will." ….She didn't hear me did she?

Oh fade take it all! She is coming right for me.

"And what of you? Does your Woman's mind give you a different viewpoint?" Near knicker-wetting terror? No, I am pretty sure that is where we all are. Thanks for asking though. "Or do you believe as these boys do?"

I can see she wants an answer. I think honesty might save my hide. "I don't know what to believe." Which is the truth. I have no idea who you are or what is going on crazy lady.

"A statement that belies more intelligence than it seems." Well that was a backwards compliment if I ever heard one. "So much about you is uncertain." You think that do you? Allow my shock to fade for a moment then…oh wait, I'm not surprised. Careful Solona, she is still very much capable of making a pretty corpse out of you. I am sure Morrigan would approve. "Yet I believe. Do I? Eh. It seems I do." One thing I am certain of. I should never have a similar thought process as a creepy apostate. Yep. That is bad news for me.

"So this is a dreaded 'Witch of the Wilds'?" Alistair sounds sarcastic. Now, normally I would be jumping in on that with you my Templar shield, however, if you could sense what I do; No, wait, forget it. You would probably say the same thing. Never mind, carry on. I only have to outrun you if she decides to kill us all.

"Witch of the Wilds huh? Morrigan must have told you that." Eh? Morrigan is frowning. Something is going on here. I should have stretched. If I make it out of here alive, I am going to be very sore later. "She fancies such tales. Though she would never admit it. Oh how she dances under the moon. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Wow. Your mom is mean. You actually have my sympathies Morrigan. I wouldn't want someone telling strangers about my fancies. Come to think of it though, Flemeth and Wynne have a lot in common. "

I watch with only mild amusement, well maybe more, as Morrigan grits her teeth and near hisses "They did not come to listen to your wild tales mother." Not originally no, but I have time and would love a cup of tea if you have any. I do so love a good story.

"True. They came for their treaties yes?" Why yes! You have them? Lovely! Now if you would just hand them over so I can get out of here with my band of frightened men, I won't keep you any longer. "And before you begin barking." I don't bark, I scream. Maybe you are not all knowing. "Your precious seal wore off long ago." How do you know that? Oh. There is that uneasy feeling again. "I have protected these." There is something she is not telling us. I can see that clear as day.

"You! Oh. You protected them." Alistair quit trying to pick fights with unknown enemies. I am wailing in my head. When we get back to camp I am finding a fellow mage to freeze your underthings. All of them!

"And why not?" I can think of a reason or two. Like for starters how it was that you knew about the tower and these treaties. I don't think for one moment that you just stumbled upon them and though 'Oh I should save those in case the Grey Warden's are ever allowed back in Fereldan'. Shifty business. This is all Shifty business. Ha. I sound like knight-Commander Greagoire! Somehow I don't think that is a good thing. "Take them to your precious Grey Warden's and tell them that this Blight's threat is greater than they realize." Really? It couldn't have been anything nice? You couldn't have said 'Taken them to your precious Grey Wardens and tell them that the dark spawn fear dirty pantaloons'? I'm stretching here, I know that. But _anything_ would have been a better message than that!

"Thank you." I uncomfortably take the documents because once again, none of the big strong men behind me move. Thanks guys. Thanks a lot. If any of you die, I'm taking your stuff. Assholes.

"Such Manners! And always in the last place you look. Like stockings!" I thought _I_ was random but this person takes the cake. I still don't trust her though. She is too powerful to be senile. This just keeps getting weirder. "Oh do not mind me" Kind of hard not to. "You have what you came for." True, but I am still waiting for the papers to attack me and rip out my jugular.

"Time for you to go then." Morrigan exclaims in a sing-song voice. Yeah, yeah, screw you too.

"Do not be ridiculous girl. There are your guests." Something tells me they both respect manners far more than the normal person. Note to self; be polite to all insane and powerful people. Check.

"Oh. Very well. I will show you out of the woods. Follow me." Oh don't act so put out. You couldn't' wait to bring us here. It won't kill you to walk a few more steps. Rude wench.

OoOoOo

I nearly weep with relief as I am sprinting back into the camp. I hate the Wilds. However, I have the flower I promised the Kennel master. Mabari! I hear the clumsy stumbling of the men far behind me. Serves them right.

I eagerly press the flower into the Kennel master's hand. He smiles at me. You know, for a guy almost twice my age, he is cute. I flash a grin. I can start being outrageous out here! It just occurred to me that I was not supposed to form any attachments to men in the tower. Even if it was never forbidden, it was discouraged.

I pushed thoughts of crazy old women and their sparsely clothed daughters from my mind. The Kennel Master was talking about getting this mabari to imprint on me. Totally awesome! I get my very first pet. I snuck him a piece of food from my pack. I think it's a him. I can't see a…well…male part the way he is lying. I'll wait. It's not a huge deal and I am not going to move him to find out.

I march happily to Duncan. The others are winded and trying to catch their breaths. Suckers. Duncan doesn't take them, just looks at them and nods. Then we are taken to the joining. Daveth is picking on Ser Jory. Well Ser Jory is being a baby about the whole thing. I rather agree with Daveth. I snicker on occasion at his wit.

There are a few words spoken as we line up. Then Duncan is asking us to come drink from the chalice. Oh. Holy Maker! Daveth just died. WHOA! Hold on for a moment. No one said anything about death by drink. Myabe I should just back out now…

Duncan just ran Ser Jory through. Oh. Well…then backing out is against the question. He died a lot slower than Daveth. My magic is tittering nervously. Great just great. Death or Death? Which would you like my pretty little mage?

My turn? You don't say. Well my hands are shaking and I can barely hold the damn thing. Fine! Bottom's up! It would be impolite to describe the taste. I don't want to think about it either. Yes, it was _that _bad. Now back to the story.

Not even a moment later I am thrust into the fade. Here there are dark spawn clambering and a big…seriously big….dragon. Are you fading serious? The world came back quickly and I am being helped up and congratulated. Yes, I am awesome, I know. Alistair asks if I had a dream, and I tell him yes. Suddenly Duncan is rambling about meeting the King again.

He's an idiot. An idiot with an impressive army, I grant you, but still an idiot.

Boring. A bunch of mukity-mucks talking about strategy. Just tell me where to go.

Soon Duncan tells me that I am to light the beacon at the top of the tower as a signal with Alistair. Why do I have to go with a Templar? Huh? Are you implying something my fearless leader? Do you think mages just _have_ to have a Templar by their side?

I sigh because throwing a fit won't do me any good. Especially are I was trying to act so brave before. Damn my pride! One of the boys indeed. I blame you for all of this Meghan, may you rot in the Tower.

And because it would have been too easy just to climb up a tower and light a beacon; of course it would have been, not like battle is complicated or anything; we are told by two soldiers that have run screaming toward us, the tower is overrun by dark spawn.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't see that one coming. The Maker hates me remember? Glad to see you're keeping up with me.

So now, once more, I the creation mage am thrust into battle. Fantastic! At least the other two men can't accidentally drain my magic. So there is a bonus. Seeing the gruesome faces of darkspawn is a minus though. A rather large minus and they are in every single room. An even bigger minus. So far that is two points in the 'this blows' category and one point in the 'well that's just life' category.

Make that three points. The large ogre standing there munching on some poor soul makes the first category a winner. Blech! Gross!

I also need to point out that I am fairly certain we have missed or chance to light the signal.

Back to the huge ugly which Alistair is bashing with his shield. He is going to need a new one soon. You know, if we live. The two men are trying to flank the beast as I am scrambling to heal them all. The ogre kicks behind them and sends them all flying in different directions. It is eerily similar to a toddler stomping on toys. An ugly toddler. A very, very, ugly toddler. You'd be surprised just how many of those there are.

With all my nice meat shields fallen, the brute decides to come straight for me. Oh Fade no! I try to dodge him as he attempts to tackle me. Move! Move as if your life depends on it girl!

Crap. He caught me. I wince as his large fingers dig into my vital organs. I think my pancreas is bruised.

Then I watch in slow motion as Alistair takes a flying jump. I have never seen a man, especially one in full armor, jump so damn high. I have to acknowledge the man can jump. The whole world is falling around me when the ogre lands with a sickening thud and I roll out of his hand.

Oh the world is spinning and I am going to be sick. The world goes up, down, up, down, up, up. Up? I was hoisted by the arm upward by one of the men. I was right. I got sick and lost my stomach contents all over the man's shoes. Sorry about that.

Alistair is prodding at me to light the beacon. Ser! Just because I am a mage does not mean that I just cast fire out of my ass! I grudgingly move forward, glaring at him, and use the flint ot light the signal. Jerk. You could have done that if you were so concerned about time.

Maker's nose! Why do I keep getting shot in the side! Oh wait…it's my shoulder. That really hurts. The fatigue is clawing its way through my mind. Oh. That's a lot of darkspawn. Night night world.

OoOoOo

When I awoke, yes it was a shock to be alive; I was in a home of some sort. I was almost naked. Now that one had my immediate attention. Then Morrigan pops into view and I thought, for a brief moment, that she might have had her way with me. It's disturbing on about six levels that I can think of offhand.

Turns out she and her mother saved me. Sort of hard to believe, but alright. Whoops. Sorry I thought you molested my prone body. You just, well…you seem like the type. No offense. She tells me that we are the last two alive. Well…shit. I and the only other junior member of the order of the Grey Wardens are alive. With a blight going on? Oh Fereldan is doomed. May as well pack my things and- oh your mother wants to talk to me? As if my day wasn't full of pleasant surprises already.

Hm. Old lady. Claiming to Be Flemeth. Yes, I know the story of Flemeth and Conobar. After all I was raised for the most part in the Circle. Crazy lady, who reeks of magic, claiming to be Flemeth. Well…I believe her. That is what nearly makes my heart stop. Usually ancient magical/abomination mages didn't just happen to be living right smack dab in the middle of the Wilds.

My magic is tittering. Shh. Don't show fear, I don't know what is coming next. Flemeth is staring at me and for a moment I think she knows exactly what I am thinking. Somewhere along the lines of 'I'm Fucked'. Yeah. I want my last thought to be memorable.

Then she starts acting like she is a lyrium-addled Templar. I don't buy it. You don't survive out here all alone with the darkspawn coming out in droves by being insane. Wonderful actress though. I have to give her applause for that, my hands twitch in my urge to clap. However, clapping right now would be bad.

Alistair and I decide that we need to use the treaties. Well, it was more that I was told 'you are going to save this country' and I, being slightly hopped up on pain potions, agreed. Then Flemeth pushes Morrigan on us.

I glare at her. I am serious. Keep your hands were I can see them. You stare at me in such a way, that I want to be wearing three layers of clothing. Also, you are cooking. I don't care if you know poisons, I know antidotes and I don't trust Alistair not to accidentally kill me.

Duncan and I talked about him once, right before my joining. Just don't tell him that. Let me just sum it up by saying that my chalice full of darkspawn blood tastes better than what Alistair can cook.

Onward to Lothering! Even the name is depressing. I'm not exactly full of high hopes right now and I don't care if it shows. Duty, honor, and vigilance; blah blah blah. Let's just rush to our death already. Wait…there is the pain potion again. Life is good.

As we bid Flemeth farewell something tells me I will be seeing her again. Maker's wiggly belly! Wasn't twice enough for my lifetime?

There is very little conversation as we take the two day journey to Lothering. I try to console Alistair. It is awkward. He looks at me like I can fix all the problems in the world. Buddy, I am good, but not that good. We take watches, alternating so we can each have a chance to sleep.

Morrigan. Not so bad really. Clever and conniving like a snake in the grass, but a damn fine cook. I can cook. Not as well as she can, but I won't kill us. I will however, keep that tidbit to myself. I said I can cook, not that I _want_ to cook.

I am in desperate need of a change of clothes. I only have the one set and it is soiled beyond repair. Although, oddly enough, Morrigan cleaned t for me while I was unconscious. This had better not be some wild's marriage proposal. Keep in mind that I have lived my whole life, with the exception of the early years, in the Circle. I have no idea what other cultures consider courting rituals! I sneak a peek at Morrigan who is glaring at Alistair.

Meh. At least it's not me.

Then some rag tag group of bandits thinks they can get money out of me. Ha! Losers. I am a Grey Warden. I just survived a tower full of dark spawn, with help but hey don't know that, and I have a 'Witch of the Wilds' with me. We beat them soundly. After I demanded all the money they had taken. It was a toll for the Grey Wardens now. Oh don't even look at me like that. Times are tough, and we are tougher. I let them go. The darkspawn would get them anyway.

Wow I am as morbid as Morrigan. I think I need a stiff drink.

We enter Lothering and it was a collection of refugees and farmers. Great. Also, there are Templars. _Great_. I sighed and they both looked at me. Then Alistair is asking where we are going first. I suggest we go see this 'Eamon'. Why not? Alistair and Morrigan both seemed satisfied. I know, it was freaky. Then the bickering started.

Morrigan teased Alistair about putting me in charge. Look lady, I am not exactly happy about that fact either. However, I am in charge now and that is the end of the story. So be useful to me or be quiet. The pain potions had worn off by this point.

We entered the tavern. It seemed like the most viable place to start. Somehow Logain McAsshat has men out looking for us. Or I should say any Grey Warden's that have survived Ostagar. That gave me hope really. That might mean there are others to join us. Someone who might actually know what they are doing. Success! Some sister of the Chantry tries to stop our fight.

Lady, back off. I am not nice about telling her to shut her mouth. I am most certainly going to fight them. Alistair looks ready for blood as well. They might have items to loot as well. The fight is quick now that Morrigan is here. The woman has strong spells. I might respect you one day. Don't push your luck though.

Then the leader starts blubbering like baby 'Don't kill me! Don't kill me!'. I stall. I haven't killed a person before. I even spared the bandits. Well I could kill them…or…or…I could try to scare Logain back. I chose the latter as it was less messy. I gave them a message.

"Tell Logain we are coming for him. The Grey Wardens know what really happened." I growled. I am scary when I want to be. I have spent many years with Wynne…oh…

Then the sister who interfered introduces herself as Leliana. She claims the Maker sent her. I think she is stark raving mad. I tell her that. Then she says that she can be useful with a bow and picking locks. Huh. Chantry sisters are naughty. But her argument about opening locks is a hard one to ignore. I can't for whatever reason just blast the damn things open. Alistair can't bash them open. The locks of Fereldan are enchanted for sure.

The other two make smart comments. I contemplate leaving them here.

Then we are walking to the Chantry where Leliana says that we can get some assistance. I will take all the help I can get. It was going just fine. Really, it was all fine until I stopped because there was a group of Templars in the Chantry and I wasn't sure if any of them might have been from the Circle. Or Maker forbid, any of them had heard those ridiculous stories about me.

Then Leliana just had to say. "Oh. Templars huh? You are form the circle aren't you?"

I couldn't help myself. In my defense, I was just thinking about the past, and the Circle. I didn't truly mean to yell.

"WHY? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?" I grabbed the front of her dress.

All is silent as every last set of eyes turns toward me and Morrigan is smirking.

I hate you all.


	6. Chapter 6

**Once again thank you to all who reviewed! I am glad to see so many people are reading this. It's pretty awesome!**

**Rated M. Not suitable for work, cussing, mild sexual humor, and calamity to ensue. I own nothing and there is one star wars reference.**

**Enjoy!**

OoOoOo

How does he fit in that cage? No, I'm serious the man is walking wall. He is easily two feet taller than me and is staring at me with those odd golden eyes. He sort of reminds me of an owl. An owl that murdered a whole family with his bare hands; that is one fade of an owl! His hand is the size of my waist! Maker!

I puzzle this over as I exchange glances with my party members. Well, except for Leliana…we aren't talking right now. That whole Chantry episode seems to have broken the tentative budding companionship. It'll pass. Or it won't, as long as she picks the locks I don't care. Speaking of which;

"Leliana" Her head snaps up to look at me. "Open the cage." I nod my head at the giant called Sten.

Will these people ever stop bitching? Alistair is calling me 'insane', yeah well at least I have a spine prissy boy. Morrigan is insulting the Chantry for leaving him to be eaten by dark spawn. I agree that is really uncalled for. For people who claim to be holy and pious they are a blood thirst lot aren't they? Leliana is giving me a look and talking about my 'compassion' being so strong. Uh…

Why did I bring you along again? Oh, that's right, PICK THE DAMN LOCK! I grunted at her again. Lady like, I know, but that mabari I saved (aptly named Dog) has gotten the best of me. I still am awed on how he found me all the way through Ostagar and the Wilds. Now _that_ is loyalty! He is the only one of my whole damn group that can shut up and follow my orders. The dog! You see what I have to deal with don't you Dog?

I have a treat for you somewhere….

"Then it is done. I shall follow you and find my atonement." Damn. I _really _have to stop doing this. Ok. I think I might know what he is talking about. He is going to help me kill the darkspawn and something about …something. Good that is settled then.

NOW GET BACK TO WORK! I roar in my head. We have already agreed to save the village from bandits, wolves and bears. Why? That is a fantastic question! Because we need money, and we are stupid! That's right I said it. We are seriously stupid. Instead of laying low in the shadows and trying to regroup together and get straight to the treaties, we build a reputation! I'm so excited.

There is no way Loghain will know where we are at this rate.

But we really needed the money. Because, of course, none of us came with any. Well except for me, but I spent what little I had on lyrium potions. The Warden's don't get paid, or if they did Alistair missed payday. Leliana was a …Fade I don't even know what she was but she was something in the Chantry that involved no money. Morrigan was an apostate…not a high paying job. Sten was stuck in a cage. I doubt people mistook him for a fountain and tossed coins at him. Then the Dog…

Well the Dog found me a cake at least. A slightly moist and damaged cake…

I gave it to Leliana as a peace offering. I didn't tell her where I got it from.

As soon as we are paid for our tasks, I have taken my first human life. Don't get me wrong. The first time I have ever taken the life of my own kind was hard. Then I got over it because there were more of them and I realized that if I wanted to live, they had to die. Moral conflict solved!

We start trekking up on our way out of Lothering and we are attacked by a mob of villagers. Now, the fact that they voluntarily attacked us, is astounding. Two Grey Wardens, Two mages, a war hound, a giant, and a woman who looks like she just stepped out of the Chantry? I would have steered clear of us because we look like a damn circus. All we need is a dwarf and an elf! I need to pick up one of each I muse.

Then it's warding over and over. I'm healing at a much faster rate now and Alistair has learned, like a good little Templar, to not touch my magic. I did have someone freeze his underthings for that lesson to sink in. Morrigan and I are getting along better. I have also improved my evil smirk.

Darkspawn. I sense them! It is like being stuck in a room with that one guy that stares at you so creepily it makes your skin crawl. Icky. Who's screaming? If we walk away fast enough I can pretend I didn't hear him. Shit. Alistair heard them. I don't want to go. They are gross little creatures. They reek and I just got my clothes clean. I don't want to change into the only spare set I could buy. The chasined robe makes me look like a barbarian sex kitten!

I have modesty you know!

Whoa! Watch where you are swinging that sword you Giant! My head and your sword don't need 'special' time! Ah! A Hurlock is on me. Kill it! Kill it!

Then we are standing talking with a dwarf. You know I was kidding when I said we should pick one up Maker. Oh he is a merchant. And is son is…he has a son. I extort just a bit of money out of him. What? Aren't moments in life precious? I just extended his. Fair trade.

OoOoOo

Camp is awkward. There are so many new people then before and Alistair and I are at a loss. We are all setting up tents and Morrigan has her little shanty structure up. I look sheepishly at Alistair who is staring at me in return. What? Can't you lead for fifteen seconds?

As he walks away and continues making his tent I have the feeling the answer was 'no'. Leliana is humming a tune to herself as she plays with _my_ Dog. What? I'm not the jealous type at all. Nope. Not me!

I flush and walk over to Morrigan. She is watching me expectantly. Still creepy. Then I notice that Sten is staring at me as well. What is with me and picking up watchers? Geez, I didn't get enough of that in the Tower? No. I just had to pick up an almost Templar and two creepy watchers. Fade take it!

I shuffled over slowly. It was almost like watching a horse dance from side to side trying to decide where to go. I sucked in a breath. I needed to know some more spells. I am tired of having to get someone else to get a villain off of me. I want to be able to explode their faces off.

It really looks like fun. Maybe I am not inept at other schools of magic. Perhaps I just didn't try hard enough? Maybe, if I practice really hard I can become the single most awesome mage of destruction.

Three minutes of conversation with Morrigan make me want to be a Templar myself if it means hunting down apostates. The wicked little witch! She didn't waste any time telling me that I would be better suited to swinging a sword like a warrior, than trying anything besides healing. I still think the rolling in laughter was uncalled for. Really, it didn't have to be so loud that other's asked what the joke was. She certainly didn't have to point at me. Witch.

I bristled like an angry cat because what in the name of the Maker did she know anyway! Her mother might be a scary all-knowing person, but Morrigan was not Flemeth. I am still starting to like her better though. She is very much a pragmatist. A rare thing among mages. Then again, so am I. Perhaps 'rare' and 'good' are two different things?

Nah. I'm still awesome. A little self-confidence goes a long way.

I make my amends with Leliana. She seems sweet enough but she complimented my hair, which seemed sort of an odd thing to do. She was staring at my chest when she said it too. I don't think we should be alone together again.

I walk to Sten and we exchange very little conversation, which I don't really mind because well, I am so very tired of people talking. About me; to me it really doesn't make a difference.

I console Alistair, awkwardly, over Duncan and I try very hard not to lose my patience with the man because he is grieving. I really, really, try not to imagine him as an actor on a stage of the world's saddest man. I tried, I failed.

I'm itchy and it's hot tonight. My robes are heavy with dust and blood and they cling to me stiflingly. The air is near sweltering. I don't sleep well. The fade is hard to connect with on this night and it makes me twitch. I sense a disturbance in the fade.

I kick at my bedroll frustrated. Something just isn't right. None of this is. How are two little Grey Wardens going to life through this? In my mind the only answer is that we won't. However, I comfort myself that I am not the expert in math, so there is a chance I am wrong.

It just doesn't feel right. Something… I can't put my finger on.

I snap my fingers as I hear the angry scream of Alistair across the other side of the camp. That's right. I forgot about his magically frozen under things. Suddenly I am sleepy and sleep is wondrous.

OoOoOo

Alistair is a Royal bastard! No, I'm not angry with him; I mean he _actually_ is a Royal bastard! What luck! Now that is what I will call him when I become angry with him. If I try hard enough, I bet it will even be a nickname!

He just stopped right outside of the village. "Look can we talk for a moment?" Um. I guess sure. Weren't you the one that was extra excited to go see Arl Eamon? "I need to tell you something I uh…should have probably told you earlier." Alistair you don't have to tell me every time you need to relieve yourself. Really, it's fine. Just go. There is a nice bush over there.

"What's on your mind?" Let's get this over with. Can't believe a Grey Warden needs to ask me when it is ok to use the 'facilities'.

"Well…let's see. How do I tell you this?" Oh Maker. Please don't be about what I think you are thinking. "We are almost at Redcliffe-" Oh. Phew. "Did I say how I know Arl Eamon exactly?" This could be taken so many ways and a few of them are sordid and make me respect you less. Let's go for the least disturbing possibility.

"Why? Are you his son?" I hope that's what it is.

"No. No. I'm not _his_ son." Why did you say it like that? Alistair… what aren't you telling me? "I'm a bastard my mother was a serving girl at Redcliffe castle!" I blink. Wow. No need to shout. I can hear you fine. "And she died before I was born. " Aww. You poor thing! Do you want a hug? "Arl Eamon took me in and raised me before I was sent to the Chantry." I think I might have been moved to a tear for the Templar. He looks at me so worriedly I just want to squeeze him like a little child that has just brought me back a posy! "The Reason he did that was because….well…because my father was King Maric. Which made Cailin my half-brother I suppose."

Ha Ha ha! I must be in the fade. Whatever demon you are supposed to be is truly a master of the perverse. Ok. Joke's over, out I go. Huh… I am still here in front of the castle. I channel more magic, and the result is the same. I can almost feel the blood leave my face. Holy shit. He's serious.

The words ghost out of my mouth before I can stop them "So you're not just a bastard, but a royal bastard?" Oh great. Now I have gone and done it. He is going to smite my ass. Then he doesn't. He just laughs and smiles.

"Hey. That's a good one. I'll have to use that sometime." He is smiling. Smiling is good, smiting is bad. Slowly back away from the most likely emotionally unstable Templar. "I would have told you." Oh no. He's starting to insist. "But it never really meant anything to me." This sounds like a bad attempt of telling a girl you have cheated on her. Now I am just uncomfortable. Listen, I don't care that you are the next potential King of Fereldan. I just want to defeat the Blight and not die. Unless you birthright somehow guarantees me _that_, I really don't care. I have no idea who my parents even are. "I was inconvenient a possible threat to Cailin's rule and so they kept me secret." Oh waa! I got locked away in a tower for 11 years. Forgive me for not crying prostrate with grief for you.

"I never talked about it to anyone. Everyone who knew either resented me for it or they coddled me." Yes, my heart bleeds for you. You know what? You lose that hug. You can go hug Morrigan. "Even Duncan Kept me out of the fighting because of it." Because Maker forbid if Duncan was the only man smart enough to have a contingency plan. Oh no! What a fiend he was! " I didn't want you to know as long as possible. I'm Sorry."

You have my attention.

"I think I understand." No, I really don't. It's just that by now I have learned that if I say this, Alistair perks right up.

"Oh! I'm glad." Bingo. "It's not like I got special treatment for it anyhow."

I'm done talking with you right now. This only changes the fact as to why it is that Loghain wants us dead. I decide that Alistair will be the King of Fereldan. It will help build his character. Also, with a Warden on the throne I might be able to get away with a few things. Excellent. What? I like to plan when the opportunity arises.

Wait. Why is there a man on the bridge? I sigh. I know I am not going to like this. Men don't just stand arbitrarily on a bridge for any reason. I can only imagine. Has the Chantry ordered an exalted march on us? What? Did the tavern run out of booze?

Oh. Creatures are killing everyone? Well It was nice visiting Redcliffe let me know it Eamon survives I'll just be…Going to help you! Of course I was going to help you! I would never even contemplate running away. Never… where you could find me.

Chin up Warden! You have to save the world at 18! No pressure! Not for a young mage like you. Maker you're a right bastard. I think this the entire way into the Chantry doors. There is a Chantry in every sodding town! They just pop up like deathroot!

Well, who is this handsome fellow? You know him Alistair? Introductions, please. Teagan. Oh the big bad monsters are terrorizing you? I can save you… he he he. I'm sorry what? I was busy being lecherous. I chat him up just a little about what needs to be done and the situation in the village. I couldn't help it. I accidentally promised to save everyone. Damn it!

They are all useless. A drunk as a blacksmith, whose daughter I have now been tasked to find. Men who hide in bars and homes instead of fighting. Useless! Now that I have run all over this place, threatened, bribed, and threatened some more we are ready. I glance over at the elf that had been told to watch Arl Eamon under Loghain's orders. His missive is tucked away in a safe place. Yes, in my small clothes.

Can you think of any other place I won't forget about them? No? Neither can I.

OoOoOo

Maker be damned. I hate Undead. Freaking hate them. Well at least when they were set on fire by some of the oil I found in the general store, I got to pretend that I had cast a flame spell. It shook my world. It was that satisfying. We have cleared out a large amount of them that were coming down from the hills.

In what had seemed for all intents and purposes like a giant cloud of ass. I kid you not. It looked like a large stinking cloud. A stinking cloud of what I didn't really want to guess but cabbage does come to mind.

Then a man is screaming for us to go down and save the men fighting in front of the Chantry. Yeah. Let me get right on that. I am grumbling to myself as I pull my foot out of a dead creatures grasp. Stupid things have a death grip. I chuckle. Death grip. I crack me up.

I also seem to scare Leliana on occasion. It's ok. You are only here to pick locks and shoot a bow anyway. I pick my way down the path because it is still very dark. I stumble into to my knees once and Alistair offers me a hand up. I smile in my thanks and it must have been a trick of the moonlight, because I could have sworn I saw him blush.

What in the fade?

There is no more time to think as more of the creatures start running for us. They are groaning and they attack at all sides in waves. I am side by dies with men I don't know in glorious battle. Glorious being defined as them screaming form their mothers and me hissing out wards and healing spells. I might have…might have…kicked a few men into the beasts when they didn't move forward fast enough.

Hey! I need meat shields okay. What happens if the healer dies? Everyone dies, that's correct. SO you there! Fat tavern man. Get in front of me.

Suddenly it is done and I feel no more twinges of the fade. Damn. The twinges mean there is a demon. Well crap. Those too seem to just pop everywhere. What is wrong with Fereldan?

Oh. We are alive! I dance a little victory dance. No one died! I am a master healer! I don't make a sound as I go back to attempting to be regal. We stride proudly into the Chantry. Teagan is smiling at me. Sh. I don't want you; I just want to look at you. Eye candy makes me happy.

It's a little like being back at the tower. I got to look at some attractive men. Ser Otto, before he had lost his sight, was a very handsome Templar. Then there was Cullen…wait…I mean Carroll. There was Carroll! I didn't think of Cullen. I don't even like Cullen! I have been trying to get away from Cullen!

Huh? Why is Alistair dragging me outside again? Oh. We are celebrating the victory. Yay! We saved you! I'm taking donations of gratitude! No one? Stingy bastards.

Oh well. At least that is over

OoOoO

Never again. I am never again going to assume anything is ever going to work out. Here I am plugging my way through a cellar in the bottom of the castle because Teagan, who has become infinitely less attractive, went off with the hooker that married Alistair's adopted dad figure. Wow that is a mouth-full.

Wait. I know that scream. Jowan? Oh. Undead. Well hold on a moment friend. It is easy work to kill them by now. Morrigan might have something to do with it. But Leliana is awfully good with a bow. I think I might keep them.

"Hello? Is there somebody out there?" He is scared. Well you should be you little jackass! I am going to destroy you! I grin evilly and step forward. "By all that is holy-_you!_" I bet it just sucks to be you right now doesn't it? "I can't believe it!"

"Jowan?" I am a little sarcastic, like I said there is only one man in all of Theadas that can scream that close to a girl's voice.

"Maker's breath how did you get here?" Oh same way you did. Fought through the hordes of undead and then some smarmy little bastard told me about a secret passage. One that hadn't been there before when I went into the windmill, but after he told me about it, lit up like a pumpkin on fade's eve. "I never thought I'd see you again of all people." That almost hurt my poor feelings… OF REVENGE!

"Jowan…what have they done to you?" Because anything they have missed I will be sure to do twice.

"What they do to all traitors and would –be assassins. I wouldn't be surprised if they sent you to finish me off." Oh can I? You aren't just toying with my emotions are you? Where did I put that dagger…

"I'm not going to kill you, friend." I am going to maim you slowly first, then kill you. Much more satisfying wouldn't you agree? I could have sworn I put the dagger behind my lyrium potions. Come out you little rascal.

"You might change your mind once you hear." No. No. I'm pretty set on this. Ah ha! No…that's an axe. I'll keep that in mind just in case. "I…I poisoned the Arl. For all I know he is dead already."…What?...Jowan. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH HARDER YOU JUST MADE THIS BLIGHT FOR ME? I'll get Sten to rip your arms off you sniveling bastard!

Then I tell him the Arl isn't dead, but he doesn't know what poison it was. OF course the one time Jowan doesn't ask questions. Turns out though, that the Arl's son Conner is a mage. Well Maker's puckered ulcers! This just gets more complicated. So it was a Demon I felt down at the Chantry. I had halfway hoped it was just the feeling of being around the Chantry.

It didn't escape either of our notices thought that if there was an escape tunnel, why did no one use it to get the heck out of this place? Nobility are an inbred bunch of idiots with one magical child thrown into the mix.

Jowan swears he hasn't taught him much. I grill him for some more information and leave him in his cell for the time being. We scoured every inch of that damn Castle we could get too. I found the Blacksmith's daughter. She screamed at me so loudly I think I can taste the color green. I told her to run as fast as she could.

Hope she makes it. Run girl! Run!

Then we come to the main Hall. There is a sight I never want to see again; a demon possessing a child and very bad dancing. I think the dancing scared me more than the freaky two-voiced kid. However, the demon did call me pretty. Flatter! I'm still going to kill you though.

Then like the child it has possessed, the demon flies off into the next room and we are accosted by the knights and Teagan. I knocked the bastard flat on his ass. What was he thinking by putting everyone's lives in danger? Making me have to fight when I could have just used a tunnel; I broke his nose I think.

Good.

Then that bitch Isolde is whimpering and simpering about how she loves her son and husband. No you don't. You were also very evil to Alistair. That man now has a special place in my heart next to the Dog. I like my Dog lady Isolde. I don't care if it gets me in trouble later. I'm cursing the bitch. Triple hips and pot marks sounds wondrous.

Right. Possessed child and dying Arl First. Then we curse the bitch second. Teagan goes and gets Jowan. We argue over the use of blood magic. I don't like it. I don't care if it makes you more powerful, there is something just too dark about it for me.

Alistair starts paling at the thought of blood magic. Keep your knickers on, we aren't doing it. No matter how much I would love to kill the so called 'lady' of Redcliffe.

Finally I concede there is only one other option if I won't do the blood magic. I..er…we have to go back to the Circle for help. I look to Alistair. "Are you sure we can't just kill her?" He shook his head no. "Not even a little?"

He wasn't amused.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey I hope you all didn't fret too much. Had to take a one night break. :P**

**Thank you to all who read and to Almostinsane who has been such a loyal reviewer!**

**Rated M for mature and here we get into semi-steamy bits. Not suitable for work.**

**Enjoy!**

OoOoOo

Great. Just great. Here I am stuck going back to the one place in all of Theadas I was rather hoping to avoid. I am shooting angry glares at every single companion I have. Somehow, I am angry at them for making me go. It would appear that _not_ going is not an option.

I am curious if this little boy Conner is really worth it. What? I think we have surmised by now that I am not much in the way of maternal instinct. If we looked at the big picture, how bad would it be exactly just to kill his hooker mother? Hm? Not bad at all. Alright so Arl Eamon might be a little saddened, but I am sure with time and a few wenches he would be right as rain. Also, Conner might cry for a bit, but hey, can't you feed him some line about the Maker's great plan?

Come on! I don't want to go to the Fading tower! I don't care if I am acting petulant, I don't want to go.

Unfortunately, my one or four attempts to sneak away in the middle of the night have been thwarted by Leliana. I keep forgetting that she is more than a pretty voice and an admittedly keen eye. Damn her. I think she is starting to not believe my 'I have to check the parameter' excuse.

The first time, I think I was convincing. Times two and three I think she was slightly amused. Last night however, she was more than a touch suspicious. I wonder why. She can't see the darkspawn when they are three feet in front of her. Oh No! But have one little mage try to leave in the middle of the night and she is worse than a guard at Aenor!

Yeah keep watching me you two-bit tavern bard. I sigh. I am not getting out of this. I am well aware of the fact as we crest the hill looking down over lake Calenhad. Sten is grumbling about mages being evil. I am still in ear shot you know. You giant evil owl-eyes. Alistair is looking very grim since we left.

Maker, please don't make me have to give him a pep talk again. Even Morrigan is unusually silent during the journey. That is most likely a direct result of me threatening to rip her hair out if she didn't shut up about the Tower. Yes, I get it already. You don't like any mage that allows themself to be 'caught' and 'trapped' in a 'gilded cage'. Well aren't you all kinds of snooty. Not all of us had powerful , whatever the fade she is, mothers that lured gaggles of Templars to their dooms. Yes. Shame on us!

I bet you would be chanting a different spell if Flemeth hadn't been your mother. Oh but that could never have been! You are Morrigan, Witch of the Wilds, Destroyer of dreams, and Wearer of little more than small clothes! I'm quaking in fear over here.

My ranting has left me ill-prepared to see Ser Carroll standing at the docks. Eh? What are _you_ doing here? Aren't you normally running around the kitchen? Wait…was that you? No, maybe that was Ser Patrick. No. Ser Patrick is the one that watches Owain in the store room. So…what does Carroll do?

Oh. He's talking.

"You! You're not looking to get across to the tower are you?" Well that was the general idea. Normally, I don't just go walking up piers for no reason. You are new at this aren't you? Still it bothers me. What did you do at the Tower? "Because I have strict orders not to let anyone pass!" Oh well. We tried. Let's go back and kill Isolde! I hum a jaunty tune.

I really hate it when you look at me like that Alistair. I sigh again for the fifth time this hour. Fine. I'll talk to him.

"I am a Grey Warden and seek assistance of the mages." I raise a brow at Alistair. There? Happy now? And as for you, you little Templar pimple, I lived in that damn tower for most of my life. It's a close-knit community. We've met. Trust me.

"Oh a Grey Warden are you? Prove it!" what are you expecting me to do? Lift up my dress and show you my official 'Property of the Grey Wardens' seal? I snort in irritation. Oh, I am so going to get you, you lippy little mouse.

Glaring, I fish through my pack. "I have these documents here…" There. Proof that I am a Grey Warden. Now shut up and let us pass. Or better yet, you get to row the boat for us, walking has suddenly tired me considerably.

"Yes?" Yes. "Oh, a Grey Warden seal." No, it's the seal of king Maric's rotted manhood. Of course it's a damn Grey warden seal! That is what you asked for you little… "So you are claiming to be one of those." What have you been drinking man! What did you think we were discussing? Mating rights of the Quinari? "You know, I have some documents too. They say I'm the Queen of Antiva. What do you think of that?" That you are one ugly ass woman. That is exactly what I think.

"Aren't Queens female?" Though you might sound like one, you are obviously a male. Also, like I have already said, we've met you jackass.

"Don't question royalty!" Don't question my boot up your…Calm Solona. Calm down. You need this. You may not want it, but you need the help of the tower. Count back from 100. "Anyway it was nice chatting with you. Now on your way. Right now. Go." I know he did not just dismiss me! I know he did not just do that. You'll pay little man. You will pay.

"Can't we work something out?" My voice is honey and sweetness. He would never know the poison lurking beneath.

"That dark-eyed temptress over there…" Oh thank you so very much for taking the bait. Morrigan, remind me not to yell at you in the near future. "Surely the tower would be far too dull for her?" I thought Templars were supposed to be chaste? "Because it gets a little lonely out here sometimes… and you know, you could just leave her with me." Nice save. Really. No one suspects a thing.

"Oh excellent. I have been hoping for new prey." I just barely contain my bark of horrified laughter. You know what? There are times I actually appreciate you Morrigan. Her wolfish smile nearly has me breaking my mask of serenity.

"Prey?" Aww. His voice cracks just like it did a few years ago. Fond memories… wait. That's where I have seen him. He used to clean out the bathing quarters of the apprentices!

He has seen me naked! It was an accident, I think. I didn't hear him knock and when he had come in, cleaning instruments in hand, I had jumped out of the bath. Carroll had shrieked worse than _me_ and I had just been interrupted during a private moment. Yeah; Morrigan can have him.

"Twill take but a moment. Perhaps you-" she nods at me and I nod back in return. A large smile is painting my face. "Should go aboard the vessel to prepare while we are away. We must row ourselves across." Make is quick but painless is not a necessity. "I fear the lad will no longer have use of his limbs…" Her eyes pursue him slowly "Or his eyes, once I am done with him." I do so love a good threat of bodily harm. The effect is immediate as Carroll nearly jumps out of his armor.

"Er…Maybe I should-" Yes you should. You really should.

"wonderful!" Morrigan exclaims "I can sense his terror! That will make the loving all the sweeter." She purrs at him and I have never seen a man look so close to passing out. Muwahaha I suddenly really want to speak with Morrigan on how a girl goes about soliciting such a response.

"You wanted to go across?" I am content to stay and watch this now. "Maybe we should go now." Oh no. Don't hurry on my account. I bet if you pleaded prettily enough, Morrigan would give you a ten second head start. Sounds like fun, I must say. "Right now…Now!" Well if you insist.

"Yes, Lets." I smile the whole way onto the boat, across the lake, and up until we get to the doors.

I should have been a witch of the wilds.

OoOoOo

Has the whole world gone to the Demons overnight? No? Then why is it that everywhere I go there is a problem? The treaties say _nothing_ about having the Grey Wardens save them from every single problem known to man.

On the positive side, I left Morrigan with Carroll anyway. I don't think she will actually kill him, but as long as there are no witnesses, I don't think I will be terribly troubled. Hm. I'm a bad person aren't I? Well I am clearly not as evil as Greagoir! He sent for the right of annulment! Can you believe that sick bastard? Kill any living survivors just in case they might be abominations. Trust me, you can't miss an abomination. It's not like the thing is going to come waltzing out in a dress and a sun hat without anyone being the wiser.

"Well look whose back! A proper Grey Warden now. are we? Glad you're not dead." Being snide is so uncouth Ser. What? No 'burn the mage!' tapestries hanging in my honor? I'm hurt.

"You don't mean that." I can already feel myself getting angrier by the second. However, I also feel what is going on in the tower and as much as I would _love_ to stand here and yell at the Knight-Commander, and I would truly love that, I don't have the time.

"Perhaps." Thanks, that makes me feel all warm and sweet inside. "Now, we are dealing with a situation that doesn't involve you, _**Grey Warden**__._" _That doesn't involve you Grey Warden_. I mimic him in my head. You should like an idiot. Thought you should know.

"As a Grey Warden" I stressed my title long and slowly. Stuff it you bloody Andrastian. "I have a right to know what is happening." That's right. I pulled rank. How does it feel? Does it feel like your dreams are dying?

"I shall speak plainly." You can do that? "The tower is no longer under our control." Yeah. I guessed that. Thanks for the riveting piece of news there. "Abominations and demons stalk the tower halls." Oh. Maker's damn frozen whores! "We were too complacent. First Jowan, now this. Don't think I've forgotten your role in Jowan's escape." I cringe. I forgot about all of that. I glance nervously back at Alistair. Crap. He heard all of that. He he he. Don't look at the mage!

I hurried the conversation along. It would seem there was a horde of demons and abominations. A whole horde just for me? You shouldn't have. Also it would seem that there was some initial resistance from my fellow non-blood mages. There is a possibility that some are still alive.

Now I am not sure where the gargantuan surge of my courage comes from. A fierce burning pride in those that might have survived this is present in me. I quickly tell Greagoir to shut his old trap and that I will go rescue any survivors.

He might have said something about doors as I strode past him. I wasn't actually paying attention. I'm sure it will be fine.

There is a sound from further down the hall and there is a rage demon coming out of a barrier on a door. Then some old lady is killing it. Wait. Wynne!

"You! You've returned to the tower. Why did the Templars let you through? Are you hear to warn us?" Uh… not exactly…no. Wow. There are kids here too. This is awkward. I am just going to look past you now.

I settle for telling the truth in a time like this. "This is my home." True. "I care what happens to it!" …when there is a blight going on and I need some help with a possessed child. Otherwise it was all completely true!

She smiled at me just the same as when I would get a complex healing spell or the first time I mastered a glyph of warding. Oh Wynne! I really missed you. I can feel a real tear in my eye. How did you even live? But that is a question that I will have to wait to ask her. "I see you still care about the Circle and our tower." Um…sure! We can go with that. "Unfortunately the Circle is in grave danger." Really? The three dozen corpses or so that I passed just in the first two rooms did not give me that impression. I'm shocked! Shocked I say!

"I'm aware." That is the nicest thing I could think to say.

"I suppose the Templars would not let you in without warning you of the situation. The Templars have barred the doors-" I'm sorry what? I must have misheard that. "They will only open them if they intend to attack us." Self restraint is a foreign concept to these people isn't it? "Is that what is happening?"

You guessed it! I locked myself and the only other Grey Warden in all of Fereldan in a tower full of abominations and demons so that I could attack an old lady with several children! Now guess the rest of my plan. "No Wynne, don't worry the right of annulment hasn't arrived yet." Oops. I made one of the children cry. I'm sorry! Oh stop! Someone help me!

"They sent for it then." She hung her head and I felt like I should crack a joke, but thought better of it. She might still be tempted to kill me and blame it on abominations. "I had feared they might have." Well they aren't exactly known for their belief in the mages to resist dark magic. I mean, let us be practical for a moment, they are rather predictable people. They are part of an organization, they have rules and procedures. This really isn't a surprise. It would be rather bad if they let the land be overrun with blood magic.

No great camp fire stories if that happened! The scandal. Shoot. I missed something again.

"They abandoned us to our fate. Yet, even trapped as we are, we have survived. FI they invoke the Right, however, we will not be able to stand against them." well, that's too bad you aren't a Grey Warden then huh? Oh wait. Right. My fellow mages are going to be slaughtered like lambs. Get your head in the situation Solona!

"I'm going to rescue the survivors. I am going to kill the demons and abominations." I am doing that thing where I am speaking before I think. Drat. Well now it is out there.

"Have faith. Cullen might still yet live." Eh? Who said that? I quickly tore my gaze away from Wynne to look at the auburn-haired girl in the yellow mage's robe. What did you just say? This has nothing to do with Cullen. NOTHING! "I knew it. I knew you would come back for him if no one else!" Silence! I should strike you where you stand. They were lies! All poisonous lies!

"This is Cullen's mage?" A small human boy asked in awe. His what? I'm his what? No! I am not his mage! Where did you get that idea.

I am sputtering in my own head. That is not a good sign.

"Who is Cullen?" Alistair asks perplexed. Oh Andraste no! NO! I am _not_ doing this again.

The little brat with braids on each side pipes in "He is her lover!" I am simply horrified. I want to cry out against this but it is all happening so fast.

"You didn't tell me you had a lover." He sounded a bit hurt.

"I-I- well it's not…" How does one explain this? Shouldn't we be killing blood mages?

"They are not actual lovers. Cullen is a templar here in the tower." Wynne spoke sagely. Oh thank goodness, a reprieve.

"A Templar?" I can feel the disbelief being directed at the back of my head. The embarrassment is like a white hot knife in my eye. Oh dear Maker….

"Star crossed lovers? Oh how dear it is!" Leliana you shut your mouth right now! "I heard such a tale as this. In fact it was just a few days before you arrived. A young man with dark hair was telling the story of his best friend and her undying love for someone she could never have." Dark hair? "He wore a long blue robe which was very unfashionable, but his shoes! They had to be the ugliest shoes I had ever seen! The poor man was drowning his sorrows saying that he had lost his love and left his best friend to near certain death." It couldn't be. Even the Maker could not hate me that much. "What was his name…Jacob, or Jowsan… oh I cannot think of it." Jowan….bloody hell! You bastard blood mage with an inability to hold your liquor! I will hunt you down. I will gut you like the pig you are and dance in your entrails!

"Jowan!" the same damn, perky for someone nearly killed, female mage states. "Yes. He was a blood mage that Solona-" Hey, I didn't know he was a blood mage. Look at me like that again and I will dangle you in front of a demon. Don't think I won't do it! "Helped escape from the tower. They were friends once. I heard that Solona begged the Grey Warden who conscripted her to bid farewell to Cullen, but the Warden refused."

No! That never happened! Stop! Stop it right now! A hand finds its way onto my shoulder.

"Don't worry." Oh fuck me; a reassuring squeeze from Alistair of all people! "I swear to you we will find him." I don't want to find him. I hope he's not dead, but I certainly don't want to find him.

"That is all well and good, but there are more pressing matters than the Warden's love life." Wynne hissed at us. Oh thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I promise not to call you old ever again! "Now if you are here to kill abominations let me help you. " Deal! "I have erected a barrier over the door leading to the rest of the tower." Yes, it's very nice, let's go kill things! "So nothing from inside could attack the children." Uh… hate to break this to you, but I saw the demon that made its way through the barrier…"You will not be able to enter the tower as long as the barrier holds." Ok… then take down the barrier. What are you waiting for? Get me the fade away from these people! I agree to save the circle, I already promised that once, now get your backside into the ranks and move.

Dear Maker, wondrous and caring god that you are, please let Meghan be a blood mage so that I may slaughter her. Blessed be your creation. Amen.

I ordered Sten and Dog to stay behind and I would take Alistair, Leliana, and Wynne with me. I also ordered him not to cut out the children's tongues as that was not a custom in Fereldan. I then told Dog not to let Sten hurt the children. Both were under explicit orders to kill any demons, blood mages, or abominations.

Then Wynne and I stood in front of the barrier and I swear she was trying to get me to compliment her. Enough already! We are suitably impressed that you 'saved the children' no matter how 'tiring' it was for you. I thought you wanted me to spare as many people as possible. How am I to do that when you hold me up and force me to chit-chat with you?

Not even eight steps in and we find a throng of the very abominations and hunger demons that I was warned about. Oh well it is time to glyph. Which, I must say, is extremely useful. I don't know why people keep raving about being primal mages or entropy mages. Really, the best mage, in my humble opinion, is being the creation mage. I have to say that I am the cream of the crop!

But I digress. We are scouring the floors room by room. This system seems to work really well for us. With the exception of finding one of my fellow 'brave' mages hiding in a closet. Way to go buddy, no one will ever think mages cowards for that! All this magic at our finger –tips; but behold the amazing hiding abilities! Move over rogues…

Wave after wave, room after room, and potion after potion we continue on. I have found that many of my 'once upon a time' friends were blood mages. It stings more than I thought it would. I shouldn't be surprised. It was very unlikely that all of my friends would be among the innocents.

I have never had to kill a friend before, but I do. I think I have found a respect for the Templar's inner strength. What they must have felt when each of us failed during a harrowing. How they must have felt to see their friends die around them.

My hand trembles as I slay the first of my childhood friends. I am so sorry Simon and may the fade welcome you with grace. There are so many dead. I look around helplessly at all of the corpses of my old life. I'm not even angry about what has happened. I don't think I have let this sink in enough. Right now, all I can manage is sadness.

A dull sort of throbbing is building in my heart. This is horrible. A feeling like this, I have only ever felt at Ostagar. This quest becomes a haze of healing alongside Wynne. We don't speak because there is no need. My home has been ravaged. How does one describe that?

I have never spent much time paying attention to the magic of those around me. Morrigan was a brash sort of energy. Yet, with Wynne so close to me and Alistair fighting in the front, Leliana alternating between her bow and a pair of daggers, I pay attention.

Wynne and I are very similar. Our magic is soft and strong. It feels heavy and hard to wrap my spells with. We are grieving I know. I'm just not certain of everything I am grieving.

OoOoOo

There is a God. I truly will be a devout Andrastian from this moment on. Meghan is a blood mage. I ask Leliana for her dagger. She gives it to me with sadness in her gaze, she tells me to 'be strong'. Oh I will be. Aww. She is begging for her life. Meghan starts going on and on about how the Templars 'were always watching' and how even Andraste 'had to fight for what she believed'. Whatever. I really just want to kill you.

Wynne tells her that nothing was worth what they have done to this place. Oh I don't know. I rather like this part of the turn of events.

"Ask the Maker for forgiveness blood mage. You shall find none with me." I plunge the dagger into her heart. Oh sweet revenge. Ew! She is bleeding on me. This has brought me out of my grief. A bright spot amidst the darkness!

It was enough to keep me going, up until we met Sloth. I have to say, he seemed much better in bear form. A form I _still_ think he should have taught me. Bastard!

Why am I at a crumbling ruin? I pinch the bridge of my nose. This is utter horseshit! At least do me the common courtesy of picking a _good_ illusion! As I walk the length of the road I am on I spy Duncan waiting for me. Random Warden A is even to his right as well as some other Warden. Oh come on. How stupid do you think I am? Wait. Don't answer that.

I walk up to the illusion and waste no time in pointing out that this is a load of hogwash and I demand to be let out of here. The fake Duncan calls me ungrateful. Ungrateful! Oh suck on my staff you sissy demon. Taste's good doesn't it!

Ok…the random pedestal surrounding by a travel glyph seems a bit convenient…but whatever. Nothing about this 'dream' has made sense anyway.

Well I found Niall. He told me all about the litany and I can't believe that as paranoid as Greagoir and Irving are, that they never thought of memorizing something as important as an _anti-blood mage_ spell. Why the fade didn't they? Ugh! Fine. I don't care just tell me what is going on so I can leave.

If I understand you correctly, all I have to do is fight five demons that are holding the barrier around the most powerful demon in this realm, Sloth. Oh is that all?

OoOoOo

I have been a mouse, a burning man, an arcane creature, and a fade golem. AWSOME! I have to admit that I have become lost on a great number of occasions, but somehow I seem to keep finding all of these random rooms that have totems that make me feel stronger, smarter, and more willful and so forth. It's almost like this place was designed to make me a better person. Too odd.

Also, demons must think that we mages are messed-up people! We do not go around just stating we are going to kill each other…uh…well….unless someone started a rumor about us then maybe. But we certainly don't just start fighting without warning…um…unless; you know….someone started a rumor. Never mind. I don't want to talk about that anymore.

I have run all over this fade in order to find those damn demons. Talk about a pain in the ass! There was this one area where every portal I went to, jumped me to a completely different area and I couldn't get back or go to the place I need too. It took me about fifteen minutes just to figure out how not to get lost.

Also, I have to give credit to sloth. For a demon that I know firsthand to be very lazy, he does amazingly well at making it necessary to have all four forms just to break into the center of the fade. A freaking genius at making someone waste their time!

However, that being said, the worst part was fishing everyone out from their individual dreams. Have you ever had to give someone the 'this isn't real' speech? I have. Four times! It is very hard to have to tell someone that what seems like reality to them isn't. A bit more satisfying when you end up angering the demon just enough from them to transform and scare the daylights out of your companion. Ha! I mean… tragic.

As an added bonus though, I found out that Alistair has a sister named Goldanna. I have no idea when he plans on telling me about her, but I'll wait. I did find out a bit more about my party members though. Wynne's was predictably worrying that she failed the children. It was really sweet because not too long ago I was among that group for her. I feel sort of special knowing that had I still been in the tower when this happened, she would have guarded me just as fiercely. I love you Wynne.

Leliana, didn't remember me! I was stung for a bit. I must say that having to argue with her in front of a demon who has taken the shape of a revered Mother…You want to talk about double meanings!...was ironic in a way. Also I had to use her 'vision' in order for her to see reason.

_I_ had to _argue_ with a chantry nut about her _faith_. It made me feel dirty. So very dirty…

Then I got to watch all of them get pulled out of their dreams while I, the one who freed them, had to walk my ass to the center. Then we fought the sloth demon! The bastard packs a wallop! Holy Maker's nipple! I hate being forced onto my back with magic. I got blasted with fire, and arcane spells. He really did not like me healing my party members. He targeted Wynne for a bit before Alistair pulled himself together and taunted the demon to attack him. Soon it was finished. I landed the killing blow with a well placed hit from my staff.

I am a magical goddess!

It felt a little odd raiding Niall's body for the litany…and his money…

I am getting very tired of having to fight so many demons and the random abomination here or there. I curse the architecture of this tower a thousand more times as we trudge through and fight the latest group of demons that have sprung up out of the very floor. Where were they hiding? In the mortar?

Then the next door holds the worst surprise ever….

Cullen…in some sort of pink cage I have never seen the like of…

"This trick again?" Excuse me? "I know what you are!" Uh..A mage, a Grey Warden, a human, and a woman. Yeah that just about sums it up. "It won't work. I will stay strong…" I look at my companions. Did I miss something? Can't we just sneak past him and keep going? This is all a dream! Yes. I am an illusion! Oh angry look from Wynne. I sigh.

"Cullen? Don't you recognize me?" There. Nice and neutral. Now Wynne you can tell _everyone_ that I did _not_ start professing undying love for him.

I got a reply that made my heart stop. "Only too well…how far they must have delved into my thoughts…" …W-w-what? What are you saying?

Wynne says that he is exhausted. I see that thank you! Now be quiet, I want an explanation!

"Enough visions! If anything gin you is human…" Well I'm all human if that helps. What did you need? "Kill me now and end this game!" Uh…I'm not really comfortable with doing that. Maybe we could discuss this after the tower is freed? Or never! I will make a date for never. "You broke the others-" Whoa! _I_ didn't break anybody! "But I will stay strong, for my sake… for theirs!" Oh you poor thing. Sweetie…the others are dead. Not broken. "Sifting through my thoughts…tempting me with the one thing I always wanted…but could never have!"

…..

…..

I think I might still be in the grasp of the Sloth demon. Perhaps, I have fallen in battle and am awaiting healing. Or I even could be already dead at Ostagar and am actually trapped _in the_ black city. I must be, because I thought for a moment there that _Cullen_, Ser Cullen; the Templar that had told me he didn't even like me not three months ago, just said that he wanted me. That he _always_ wanted me.

I must have missed something. Do the words 'I don't like you in that manner', not mean what I think they mean? The last time I checked it was exactly how it sounded. The world must be ending or I am delirious with fever because I actually just felt my heart skip a beat at his confession.

Oh Dear Maker. I think I have just developed a templar-crush on Cullen. The room is spinning.

"Using my shame against me." You are killing the feeling here Cullen. "My ill-advised infatuation with her…a mage of all things…" I really have the worst timing! I didn't even like you when I set foot in this tower. I spent twelve seconds talking with you and fell _just a little_ bit for you because you said something so damn sweet. Now, I am feeling slightly crushed that you seem to hate everything mage right now.

Not without good reason, I grant you. Curse you Maker! Leliana now has glazed eyes and I can almost hear the ballad about us she is composing. If you sing so much as one bloody note, I will let Dog use your tent as his own personal dumping ground!

"I am so tired of these cruel jokes! These tricks…these…" He is sobbing now and I can't help myself. Whatever just transpired here makes me reach out to soothe him.

"This is no trick." My voice feels thick. I feel sick at what he must have gone through. "We are here to help." Also, have I mentioned that I always thought you were rather sweet? Like a puppy. You know, he not _unattractive_…

Amell! The man is stuck in a cage and nearly insane! Now is not the time to start getting misty-eyed because he is the first man to say he likes you!

"Silence!" Hey! Don't yell at me! "I'll not listen to anything you say. Now be gone." Damn. I forgot he still thinks this is an illusion. "Still here? But that has always worked before! I close my eyes, but you are still here when I open them!"

Well…of course. Wow… I have no idea what to do about this now…

"I am real, and I am here to help you." That is all I can think of to say. It wouldn't be proper to suddenly burst out with 'Hey do you still like me even though you are surrounded by the bodies of your dead comrades? Because if you do, I think I might have started to like you just now. So do you want to court me?' Yeah. That would go great.

He seems angrier that I am not a trick of the mind! "The Maker knows my sin and I pray he will forgive me."

"There is nothing wrong with liking someone." I fidget with my hands. Did the daft man forget that I am supposedly brimming over with some sort of legendary love for him? I'm uncomfortable because I have to do this in front of Wynne and two people I hardly know.

"It was the foolish fancy of a naive boy. I know better now." Ouch. Doesn't that seem just a tad harsh? You know what? I don't like you either. Jerk. You can stay in your magic cage. "Why have you returned to the tower?" Is it truly that surprising that I would come back? Alright you caught me…I wouldn't have come back but I didn't have a choice. "How have you survived?" The usual way. I and my might fellow warriors killed everything in our path.

"I defeated everything on my way, now its Uldred's turn." Oh I am going to skin the bald bastard when I find him.

I don't bother listening to this anymore. I call my group to continue onward and Cullen is shouting at me that I have doomed us all. Bah! I know what I am doing. Wynne thanks me for seeing reason and saving the mages. Alistair says that I am brave.

I'm not brave. I am pissed off! I'm going bastard hunting…and no it doesn't involve Alistair.

That sneaky bastard Uldred is torturing the mages and I watch with suppressed fury as he turns one of them into an abomination. I clear my throat to gain his attention.

"Ah. I remember you." Yeah, I get that a lot. "Irving's star pupil. Uldred didn't think much of you then, and I certainly don't see your appeal now." Talking in third person? Just when I thought you couldn't get anymore creepy. You sick son of a bitch! I am going to kill you slowly!

"I'll just kill you. How appealing is that?" I growl and I impress even myself. I truly sound like I am going to take him apart cell by cell.

"Fight if you must! It will just make my victory all the sweeter!" He mocked at me. Well I'll tell you what. I bet my staff is going to taste good when I feed it to you.

"Don't forget the Litany. It will thwart Uldred's attempts to control the mages." Wynne whispers behind me. Hey, good call. I had forgotten about it for a moment while I was talking big. Now it is time to back up my words. "And win this fight for us." Well as long as we all understand the plan…

JUST HELP ME KILL HIM ALREADY!

He morphed into some hideous beast. I think it was pride again. Two abominations are trying to flank us and I, the creation mage, in an astounding display of stupidity decide to head into the fray. I'm glyphing as fast and as strongly as I can manage. Lyrium potions grace my lips several times as I continue to cast and throw in a arcane bolt or two. My staff is in constant use and I find borrowing against its power to be helpful.

Wynne! I know he's doing something to the mages. Give me one moment to catch my breath! I chant the litany over and over. I watched in mild amazement as the swirling magic around the mages dissipated.

I managed to paralyze the bastard and watched in satisfaction as Alistair cut him from stomach to sternum. Take that you power hungry monster! I rush to Irving as soon as I am sure that Uldred is actually slain.

"Maker…I'm too old for this." You're too old! I'm too damn young to be doing half of this crap! Suck it up man!

"Irving are you alright?" Hello? I just jumped head long into battle and you are asking the guy that sat on the sidelines the whole time?

I get no respect.

"I've been better." Oh go to the Fade. We have the right of annulment to beat out. "But I am thankful to be alive." Hm…you are welcome. Now give me my mages for battle! Also one or two for a possessed child. Thanks. "I suppose that is your doing. Isn't it?" You could say that. He tells me the Circle owes me a debt. Well what a coincidence! I just so happen to have a way for you to repay that debt. He tells me to guide him down the stairs. We both curse whoever insisted the circle be housed in a tower.

Thirty agonizingly slow minutes later we are waltzing through the doors. Greagoir looks surprised. Go off and die you jackass. I promised I would a save them and I have. Must everyone really look so damn surprised all the time?

Yes, exchange your pleasantries. Yes, the tower is fine and restored could we get back to the demon boy now?

"Uldred tortured these mages, hoping to break their wills and turn them into abominations. We don't know how many have turned."

"What?" I agree Irving, what the hell is he saying? Those that have survived are not blood mages or abominations! There is a stark difference between the two you know. Are any of them trying to rip off your face? No? Then they are normal mages. "Don't be ridiculous!" Yeah! What he said!

"Of course he'll say that! He might be a blood mage!" Irving? You are cracked in the head man! "Don't you know what they did?" Decorate the halls in a new 'charred corpse' motif? "I won't let this happen again!" Well it won't because we already killed all the blood mages. Oh logic. How I adore thee.

I steer the conversation away by using my Grey Warden authority. The first time it has been ever remotely helpful. "The tower has been restored to order." All eyes swing to me and Greagoir nods.

"We have won back the tower." _We?_ What is this 'we' business? You didn't do anything except fail to bar me from entering. I must not attack the Knight-Commander. I must not attack the Knight-Commander! Even if he deserves it. "I will accept Irving's assurance that all is well." How kind of you…

"But they may have demons within them! Lying dormant. Lying in wait!" No! That isn't how this works. If we are taken over it is rather obvious unless your will is weak and the demon tricks you. Either way, you can't fool them all and no one here is possessed by demons.

Now at Redcliffe…

I head over to Irving after Greagoir tells me that his primary duty now is to watch the mages. Liar! You promised me aid! I turn on Irving and demand help on both the counts I have come for. One for help against the blight, and the other for Conner. He agrees to both, which was smart of him.

Then I heard the second worst conversation of my life. It was between Alistair and Cullen.

"I can't imagine what you went through." Alistair stop right now. He just got out of the cage.

"No. You really can't." Hey, no need to be a dick about it. "They caged us like animals, looked for ways to break us." He glares at me. Me!

"Not all mages are evil my friend." Maker! Alistair just come over here so we can leave! "Take Solona for instance. She braved this whole tower just to save the innocent. If she hadn't have come by, you would be dead." That was very intelligent and thought out of you!

"I wish she had let me die." Um… I'm going to go over by Wynne now.

Leliana…why are you going over to Cullen? Get back here! "Never say that! The Maker has a plan for you!"

"What plan could involve having me watch my brethren die?" Cullen bit back at her.

"What plan would involve our warden suddenly having to come all the way here at the exact time that you were being tortured? Why I would almost say it was divine intervention!" Whoa… laying it on a bit thick there aren't you Leliana?

"Divine intervention?" Cullen is asking her like she is stupid…well she is crazy, not stupid. "Hardly."

"Then what about love?" Meh? What are you prattling on abo-… Oh no! No!

"Love?" Yes, sneer Cullen. Sneer with all your might!

"She was looking for you, you know. A woman knows these things." No, I wasn't! You know nothing! "Even the other mages believed that Solona would come back if only just to save you. " They might have believed that, but what in the name of all that is holy do you think you are doing?

Cullen, don't look over at me. Quick! Look at Irving! I don't want to get caught watching the conversation. I need to tactfully get Leliana over here without arousing suspicion. "Leliana!" She turned toward me. "I need your help with …something." I cringe again. I really need to work on my excuses. Come closer my pretty.

I yanked her down toward the door. "I need your help picking out the best route to make our return trip." I furiously dug out the map and she and I spent a few minutes debating the correct route. I called for Alistair, Sten, and Dog. "Time to head out!" Wynne informed me that she would be joining us. I was relieved. It will be a bit easier with a familiar face. I turn around ready to get out of here. I don't bother to look behind me.

I hear the clinking of armor behind me as we walk forward and out the door. I am free from this accursed tower one again! No more rumors! Almost everyone that heard them is dead….sad…but YAY! I stumbled as I tried to jam the map back into my bag. An armored hand catches me and I turn to smile at Alistair.

Only to find myself staring into Cullen's face.

I nervously leap from his touch and find my other Templar whistling a jaunty tune. I murmer an thanks and grabbed Alistair. I waved the others forward without me.

"What is Cullen doing out of the tower?" I hissed at Alistair. His eyes went comically wide.

"Oh…um…I didn't mention?" He looked about frantically. I felt my magic crackle.

"Mention….mention what?" What did you do? What insanely stupid thing am I going to have to kill you for?

"Well I didn't think it right to leave him in that tower…after everything that just happened. Also, to have survived he must be very strong…" I nod. Dread is pooling in my stomach. "And I knew there wasn't any way to have him leave the tower under the authorization of the Chantry, so I…uh…." The others are climbing into the boat.

"What? What did you do?" My voice is deathly calm.

"I conscripted him."

YOU BASTARD!


	8. Chapter 8

**I own nothing! A special Thank you so very very much to all who reviewed! Thank you to those who are reading this.**

**Rated M for swearing, innuendo, and possible sexual humor. **

**Not suitable for work.**

**Enjoy!**

OoOoOo

I thought the speech Cullen gave me three months ago was awkward. Oh, I had no idea what the word even meant until now. Cullen has been avoiding me like the plague. Which, I suppose with all things considered is not a bad thing. Alistair is a terrible matchmaker. I can tell. I do believe that he meant to help Cullen by getting him away from the tower, but I believe more that it was an attempt to get Cullen to like me back?

I can't even wrap my head around it. It makes a large thundering migraine right behind my eyes. Ow.

Morrigan is sitting on the pier while Ser Carroll appears to be…yep he is in a cocoon. Somebody did in fact turn into a spider! Well I am sure he never wanted to sleep again anyway. Wynne and Cullen look as if they are going to have a fit. I can't help but laugh.

"Release him Morrigan." I call to her and she smiles at me in return.

"Do you not think that perhaps, this is an improvement?" Her yellow eyes are dotted with mischief. I do think we will get along much better after this. I watch as she pokes the cocoon with her staff proving that Ser Carroll did indeed live.

"Well, maybe, just a little." I grin at her. "Did he upset you with all the 'bad' touching?" Morrigan and I had spoken about how she did not understand human culture because of all the touching. She was actually referring to things like handshakes, but I made a joke about the touching and since then it had become our private joke.

"No. As usual, that I understand, but you said I couldn't harm him. Binding him was not part of our agreement." Hm. Good point. I need to start making iron-clad agreements with you Morrigan. I should be careful in the future. She cuts through the cocoon and Ser Carroll comes tumbling out gasping for air.

Icky. He's all slimy and covered in webs. I'm not touching him. Cullen looks wide-eyed in shock then anger at Morrigan.

"An Apostate!" Cullen growled behind me. Oh no. Not good. I can't let the first new recruit of the Grey Wardens die in less than an hour. I'm not saying that Cullen could not hold his own in a match, but I don't know all there is to Morrigan and what she has learned from Flemeth. Out of caution, I whipped around and put myself in front of Morrigan. Alistair and Leliana attempted to calm him to no avail. I spread my arms wide to block most of his intended target. His eyes were locked on Morrigan, who of course being Morrigan, decided to bait him.

"Another Templar? Oh how they multiply like flies." No! I can't stand puns. Especially spider puns! "Come then, Templar, if you are so bold." Really? You found that absolutely necessary?

Then things went from bad to worse as Cullen's hand flew to his reclaimed sword. He dodged Leliana's attempt to stop him and by passed Alistair who looked amazingly unperturbed by the threat to Morrigan's health. Gee... it's almost like Alistair doesn't like Morrigan or something. I was the last line of defense before something chaotic erupted so I grabbed his hand hold him back. You would have thought I petrified the man.

Wynne looked on in interest and what might be a bit of motherly excitement. Stop it Wynne! We are not going for a lover's stroll or whatever silly notion you are imagining!

"Cullen please, you need to stop this. Morrigan is our ally and if you are coming with us you have to behave yourself. "I looked into his eyes, which were wide and didn't blink. "As does Morrigan, who I am not going to play human shield to again if you provoke an attack." I shot her a look, but her eyes seemed soft at the fact that I had attempted to stop someone from hurting her. Then the look was over with in an instant. "So please can we get along Cullen? I would really like that." What? I am not using magic or turning into an abomination! Why are you looking at me that way?

Oh…

OH! I'm still holding his hand. We both look down at the grasp and I see him dart a glance at me.

"Morrigan could you go off and die? That would be lovely. Ignore her Cullen; she is just a crazy Witch of the Wilds." Alistair snorted and turned to us. I removed my hand from Cullen's and there was complete silence. Cullen was glaring at me. I feel very uncomfortable right now. I still don't love the man! Stop looking at me like that Wynne. There is nothing going on here! Nothing! I have just conceded that _maybe_ he might be an agreeable sort. Stop smirking!

I sprinted to the head of the group and listened to Leliana regale Morrigan, Sten, and Dog with the events in the tower. I hadn't really thought that my 'bosom heaved with the exertion of a mighty slaying' or that my 'eyes gleamed with the courage and truth that rivaled Andraste herself'. Although it did sound rather nice. I giggled a little at her poetry.

Wynne and I spent the larger portion of the day getting reacquainted. I was shocked to hear that she survived Ostagar and was able to make it all the way back to the Tower on her own. I have to say for a woman of her…maturity…that she did an amazing job of survival! I laughed at her antics when she threw disapproving glances at Morrigan and Alistair for fighting.

Now I have a list of 5 things I never want to see. The first being the Archdemon, well that was a given. The second is anything that resembles Alistair's cooking. The third is seeing a darkspawn naked. The fourth is seeing Jowan die. The fifth one it seems I was going to have emotional scarring for the rest of my life.

Morrigan and Sten…_are flirting. _Dear Maker! I am going to be ill!

Over the period of three hours. Three long, miserable hours for me, they had progressed in an alarming fashion toward what I assume is a nookie date. Nookie was the word that Jowan and I used when talking about adult relations… shut up! We were eleven when we thought it up. Mages went into the nooks and crannies of the Tower for their love making. So…nookie!

Let me take you into my own personal fade nightmare. It started out innocently enough.

"So are you going to continue staring at me as if I am covered in eels?" I stopped my conversation with Wynne briefly as the first husky notes of Morrigan's voice floated to my ears.

"Eels would be something." Was that Sten? Saying a full sentence to someone other than myself? I feel betrayed somehow.

"Prudery!" Well I don't know if it is actual prudery on Sten's part. Things might be different in the Qunari way. "How charming. I expected paranoia. This is much better. I prefer to be stared at lustfully, if at all." Oh I am going to laugh. Sten? Sten doesn't have a lustful bone in his body. I think. You know I am actually not sure on that.

"Keep trying then." I feel my shoulders quake in repressed mirth. I pressed my finger to my lips to silence Wynne's question and darted my eyes back to Sten and Morrigan.

"Oh? Then shall I demonstrate an act or two? And you may tell me hot or cold?" Careful Morrigan. There are at least two virgins in this group by my count. I and Cullen, and Cullen might go nuts and start killing mages. I don't want to die Morrigan, and the last time I looked, neither did you. Right?

"I'll save time. Cold." Must. Control. Laughter. Must. Not. Let. Them. Know. I. am. Listening.

Morrigan laughed delightedly. I am glad she finds it funny as well. "You are a tease."

I tripped over a stone and went sprawling on the ground. Everyone stopped as I picked myself up and dusted myself off. I kicked the stone out of the way "Be cautious. It is a little slippery there."

Somehow I think they knew I had listened in. However, in my defense it was very hard not too when they started talking only six steps behind me. I look to Alistair for help. He looks more horrified than amused, but I can still see the smile lurking underneath.

I laughed and so did he. Suddenly we are both griping our sides and I grab Alistair to keep from doubling over. "Children." Wynne mutters in distaste. I stick my tongue out at her. Times are hard and scary, if I need to find enjoyment in something I am going to damn it! "Are the Grey Wardens always so filled with merriment during a blight?" She sniffed at us.

"Wynne, didn't you hear?" I grin at Alistair who tilts his head wondering where I am going with this. "We are the newest Grey Wardens! I don't know about you Alistair but I didn't get my hand book on all the rules of the Wardens. Did you?" Play along with me here.

"Oh yes!" He smiled brightly and puffed out his chest. "It stated on page four, paragraph 17, line 2 that 'All Warden's shall act like small children when in the presence of a senior mage of the circle.'" We both dissolved into more peals of laughter and Wynne was trying not to laugh with us.

Cullen was still acting rather moody. More so than when we were at the shore of Lake Calenhad. He was also looking between Alistair and I with narrowed eyes. If you are looking to back out Ser, I'm afraid it's too late you are already conscripted into the Wardens. Enjoy! Secretly, I hope he lives.

Then Sten and Morrigan started again. Maker burn my ears until I cannot hear this!

"So have you changed your mind, Sten? I dream about you and I, if you must know." Eh? Now that is a bit much. Morrigan, I know you think that all men believe what they want, which is true of most individuals, but Sten is Qunari, and from all that I gathered. They hate mages more than most cultures.

"You would, even were I interested in a small thing like you. The qunari act is... unpleasant." Humble much? Not every woman dreams of a man three times her size. What does he mean by unpleasant? I have been told from other women that the act of sex is rather nice if you have a considerate partner. I create a crick in my neck as I attempted to walk forward with my head turned in their direction. I gave up on the pretense of not listening.

"Unpleasant? Unpleasant how? Now I really am interested" Me too! Me too!

"Deadly." My eyes widen and I look to Wynne. She is snorting and rolling her eyes. I walked closer to her and Wynne looked at me.

"A lot of men say that dear. I have yet to meet one where it actually applies." Huh? Why would men claims to be deadly in lovemaking? Wouldn't that make a woman less likely to uh…go to bed with them?

"And what if I didn't mind? I enjoy a little... animation." Eww! That is just wrong. I am right here and I don't want to listen to your night time preferences.

"You'd be less animated afterward." Ha! I adore your wit Sten. I take it back, you are very funny indeed!

"It sounds as if I am arousing your passions already, my dear Sten." Talk about awkward I just looked at Cullen. We both quickly looked away. It must be warm out here today, I think I am flushing.

"Parshaara. Why do you pester me?" Oh no! You've just walked into a trap!

"Because 'tis amusing, that is why." Aw. I tried to warn you, mentally at least. That counts!

Then blissfully we are silent. Not because we have run out of things to discuss, but because a woman down the road is screaming at us that her caravan was attacked by darkspawn. I don't sense anything so you are full of crap lady. I look to my companions and warn them that this is likely a trap.

But of course, because I lack a functional brain, we decide to go anyway. Why am I leading again? Oh that's right, the big strong now senior warden, doesn't want to. Royal Bastard! Oh look…assassins.

I really hate you Maker. Converted Andrastian or not. Still hate you. This day just keeps getting better and better. Well it is almost nightfall and I am getting tired. The leader, an elf, tells them all to make sure to kill the wardens. Let me save you some time here. _I'm_ not going to die. You might if the way Sten, Alistair, and Cullen are hacking their way through you partners is anything to go by.

Did you just try to push a tree on me? What the fade is wrong with you people?

Ah ha! Mages! Wynne, Morrigan, and I have got this. Morrigan has just transformed into a giant spider and is now mauling one of the would-be assassins. It's almost pretty in the way the light hits the gaping wounds that are pouring blood…not really, I am just messing with you. Wynne and I have picked our main heal targets. I went for Sten and Alistair. Wynne was helping Cullen and Dog. I have the feeling that I am the _last_ person Cullen wants help from.

Leliana is singing right in my ear as she lets lose her arrows. Tone it down lady! Or at least move somewhere else if everyone has to hear you sing of our exploits. I think I've gone deaf. Then it is over. Thank the Maker! I am so tired of having to kill people. Where are the darkspawn at a time like this? Late again?

Sten calls out that one is still alive.

"Don't kill him. I have some questions I want answered." They all nod in agreement and we rouse the blonde-haired elf. You know, he is kind of cute. I'm not really into blonde men, but his tattoo looks rather sexy…now if only he hadn't tried to kill me. I'm a bit of stickler about those sorts of things.

He is groaning. Well I suppose that is a good sign. "Hm. What? I…oh I rather thought I would wake up dead." How do you wake up dead? Honestly! I hate that saying. If you are dead you do not 'wake up' damn it! You go to another plane of existence known as the Fade. UGH! "Or not wake up at all, as the case may be." You have slightly redeemed yourself. Be grateful. "But…I see you haven't killed me yet." Oh, you caught that part did you?

"I have some questions." Which I do. Like for starters. Who are you? And my second favorite question who sent you?

"Ah. So I am to be interrogated? Let me save you some time." I'm listening. "My name is Zevran, Zev to my friends." I'll be sticking with Zevran thanks. You did just try to kill me. "I am a member of the Antivan Crows." The who? "Brought here for the sole purpose of slaying any surviving Grey Wardens." Oh. Well that makes me feel so much better! Would you like a cup of tea? Yes, jackass! I got the idea that you were sent to kill me. Did you think that if we had survived a massive onslaught of darkspawn and countless undead and abominations; that you were going to be able to pick us off with a small band of assassins. You insult me! "Which I have failed at, sadly." You don't know when to stop talking, do you?

I raised an eyebrow at him. The others are growing restless behind me. "I'm rather happy you failed."

"So would I be, in your shoes, for me however, it sets a rather poor president, doesn't it?" I snort, it is actually in laughter. This Zevran is rather charming, oddly so. "Getting captured by a target does seem detrimental to one's budding assassin career." Well you have a good point. My dying would have seemed detrimental to my Grey Warden career. You have my sympathies.

"Too bad for you then." I try really hard not to smirk. I almost don't want to kill him. What is happening to me?

"Yes, it's true…too bad for me." Ha! Someone who understands sarcasm! I think I might like you. Now back to the matter at hand.

"Who are the Antivan crows?" why do people find it necessary to state names like they matter. If you know who I am, you know I was raised in the tower. It's not like there was an encyclopedia on 'assassin's guilds' in the tower.

"I can tell you that!" Leliana pipes in. really? What aren't you telling me otherwise then? How would you know? "They are an order of Assassins out of Antiva." ….yeah….I think we all understood that. "Very powerful." Great. "And renowned for always getting the job done, so to speak." Fantastic. " Someone went to great expense to hire this man." Lovely. So someone with deep pockets just hired a massive group of assassins to come kill us? Charming! Well I only know of one person with enough coin to do that…Loghain the weasel that he is.

"Quite right. I'm surprised you haven't heard much of the Crows out here." …I'm a mage. Buddy, I was raised in a damn Tower isolated on an island in the middle of a lake. Do you think we get lost of travelers through there? "Back where I come from we are rather infamous." Well good for you, let me just stitch that in my small clothes.

"So you came all the way from Antiva?" Talk about a waste of a trip.

"Not precisely. I was in the neighborhood when the offer came." I don't even want to know. "The Crows get around you see." I nearly laugh because that sounded like it had a double meaning.

"Who hired you to kill us?" I hear Alistair grunt in agreement to my question.

"A rather taciturn fellow in the Capital. Loghain." Oh who called it? I did. I am ripping the crown right off that weasel's head his greasy hair and all. " I think his name was. Yes, that's it."

"Does that mean you are loyal to Loghain?" I would answer that carefully if I were you.

"I have no idea what his issues are with you." So you just thought to murder us wily nily? Even more charming. "The usual I imagine. You threaten his power yes?" Well, that is the short way of putting it, but yes, I suppose we do. I remember that not having a head does tend to decrease one's power. "Beyond that, No. I am not loyal to him." I crossed my arms and Alistair mimicked the motion. The two Grey Wardens are going to go Blight on your ass if you step out of line Mister. "I was contracted to perform a service." Muwhaha. Once again I am taking this a wrong. I keep thinking he is talking in innuendos.

"Now that you have failed what do you plan to do?" I am all a flutter with anticipation.

"Well that is between Loghain and the Crows, and the Crows and myself." Hey! No dodging my questions prisoner!

"And between you and me?" I can feel all eyes boring into the back of my head. Sorry! Sorry! I just couldn't help it.

Zevran smiled coyly up at me. "Isn't that what we are establishing now?" Hm. Good point, but you are still avoiding the question.

"Why are you telling me all this now?" I am a wee bit suspicious. Call me nutty, but the elf did just try to kill me.

"Why not?" He is laughing about his? "I wasn't paid for silence!" well I know not to trust you with any secrets then. "Not that I offer it for sale… precisely." I grin at him. Zevran is rather funny. I think I will let him live.

"Aren't you at least loyal to your employers?" Oh, this should be good.

He stares at me. "Loyalty is an interesting concept, if you wish, and you are done interrogating me," Oh nice try! I'm not done yet. "We can discuss it further?"

"I'm listening. Make it quick." I can hear the grumbles of my party members behind me. Oh stuff it. I might keep him yet!

"Well, here's the thing. I failed to kill you, so my life is forfeit. " Wow. It sucks to be a Crow, huh? My thoughts must have shown on my face "that's how it works. IF you don't kill me, the Crows will. The thing is I like living." Don't we all? "And you are obviously the sort to give the crow's pause…" Do go on... "So let me serve you instead." I am blushing because that sounds so wrong. Leliana and Wynne are blushing too. Oh good. I wasn't the only one.

"You must think I am royally stupid." I mutter out of embarrassment.

"I think you're royally tough to kill." Well thank you! That means so much to me." And utterly gorgeous. " Gor-Gorgeous? Me? I have always thought myself rather plain. Or at least in the Tower, I never had any suitors. Out here though, I have had a few people call my pretty or even beautiful. But Gorgeous? Oh my. I am blushing up a storm. "Not that I think you'll respond to simple flattery. But there are worse things in life than serving the whims of a deadly sex goddess." I am giggling out loud. Alistair looks like he is going to throttle Zevran, and Cullen looks like he is about to explode.

I'm a deadly sex goddess. Oh yeah.

"Why would I want your service?" Fight for control Solona! It won't look good to see you swooning after an assassin! An assassin that is very good for my ego, mind you, but the principle of the matter still stands.

"Why?" He looks incredulous. "Because I am skilled at many things. From fighting to stealth and picking locks." Oh. I do need more locks picked. Sometimes it would be very good not to have to bring the bard along. "I could also warn you should the Antivan crows try something more…sophisticated now that my attempts have failed." Hm. You do drive a hard bargain. I would want to know if other assassins were lurking in the shadows. "I could also stand around and look pretty if you prefer" tempting…I do enjoy my eye candy."…warm your bed…" uh…that's a little bold. Very flattering, but bold. Also, it looks like just about every male member in my group wants to rip your legs off. "Fend off unwanted suitors, no?" why is he looking at Cullen and Alistair? What? Am I missing something? You have it all wrong assassin! Cullen can't stand me, and Alistair views me as another brother-in-arms.

"Very well. I accept your offer." Oh…did that just come out of my mouth?

"WHAT? You're taking the _assassin_ with us now?" Hey, you got to pick up a friend at the Tower without my permission…mine is just more flirtatious. I won't be taking him up on the bed warming offer, calm down. I'm not that kind of girl. "Does that really seem like a good idea?" I don't know…maybe.

I can be persuasive when I feel like it. "Don't worry about it. We could use him." I smiled up at him.

He relented quickly, good. "Hm. Alright, alright. I see your point." I had a point? Sweet! "Still if there was a sign we were desperate I think it just knocked on the door and said 'hello'." Oh come on, it might not be that bad.

Don't hold me too that though.

"Welcome Zevran." Leliana at least sounds enthusiastic about all this. "Having an Antiva Crow join us sounds like a fine plan." You people seem to give me more credit than I deserve on the small things.

"Oh? You are another companion to be then?" He is already hitting on someone else. See? He is just an outrageous flirt! Harmless! "I wasn't aware such loveliness existed amongst adventurers surely." You are pushing a bit hard there friend.

"Or maybe not." Leliana said angrily. I still like him.

I helped him up to his feet and he gave me a disarming smile. Oh you are adorable! I am so glad I decided to keep you. Wait…I am picking people up left and right! Am I planning on stopping the darkspawn horde by collecting half of Ferledan myself? Maker, I hope not, I don't think we could afford to feed that many people.

"I hereby pledge my oath of loyalty to you until such time that you choose to release me from it. I am your man without reservation. This I swear." Oh and we were doing so well until he waggled his eyebrows at the part about being my man.

Does anyone else hear teeth grinding? I look around and I see everyone looking back at Zevran. Cullen seems angrier than Alistair about the whole thing.

What's the matter with him?

OoOoOo

Then I am pulled from my thoughts as Morrigan starts up again. "You seem so deep in thought, my dear Sten. Thinking of me, perhaps? The two of us, together at last?" Oh Andraste's knicker weasels. Right now? You have to do this in front of the new members of the party. More importantly, you are making _me_ suffer?

"Yes." Whoa! Ew! No! La la la la la I can't hear this!

"I…what did you say?" She sounds just as surprised as I am. I'm more grossed out.

"You will need armor, I think. And a helmet. And something to bite down on. How strong are human teeth?" ... even Zevran is listening with rapt attention. This is sounding kinky…

"How strong are my teeth?" She asks in disbelief. Run! Run away!

"Qunari teeth can bite through leather, wood, even metal given time. Which reminds me, I may try to nuzzle."

"Nuzzle?" My sentiments exactly. I'm afraid for you.

"If that happens, you'll need an iron pry bar. Heat it in a fire, first, or it may not get my attention." I am laughing loudly. Slightly horrified at the implications but I can't help myself any longer. Dear Maker! I swing my shoulder over Leliana and she and I share a moment of amusement at their expense.

"Perhaps it would be better if we did not proceed." I didn't know Morrigan could pale so quickly.

"Are you certain? If it will satisfy your curiosity…" I have no words.

"Yes. Yes. I think its best." I do too, because I would not heal you afterward. You got yourself into that mess you could get out of it! Still I bask in the glory of a speechless Morrigan.

But it is getting dark and we do need to set up camp. As we go about our business Zevran playfully asks me if I need that bed warming he promised. I flushed to the roots of my hair and shook my head violently; I think I saw stars flash before my eyes. His tent is not very far from mine and he starts pestering Wynne about her bosom of all things!

I receive a few playful winks my way, but I blush and avoid them after a while. I am not used to this sort of attention. Then I notice with dismay, that we do not have an adequate number of tents per people. Shoot!

"Alright. It looks like tonight we will pair up and on the morrow when we reach Redcliffe we can get some more tents." I tried to be amicable. Zevran volunteered to share with me but I laughed him off and Wynne scolded him lightly. Rogue.

We only had four tents. Morrigan had her own shelter, so that was not a concern. Wynne and Leliana would be in one tent, to which they volunteered. I had Alistair and Cullen in another, they had no qualms. I then had Zevran and Sten share a tent with the plan to keep one all to myself. I roll around a lot in my sleep. Sten wouldn't have any of it. He demanded his own tent. I tried to point out that it would be unseemly for a woman to share a tent with a man. Sten argued that if he was to see me as a warrior then I would have too, or he would see me as just a woman, and I would lose all the respect I had gained. I was forced to agree to his terms. Damn him!

"Ah. So it looks like I might have a chance to show you my skills, no?" Zevran leered at me, and I felt rather exposed even though I was fully clothed.

"Uh…" I am very uncomfortable. Even though he is a harmless flirt, I have never shared a tent with anyone…let alone a male. Oh my.

Cullen looked murderous. "You are not staying in the same tent as The Warden!" Oh thank you. I had no idea what to say to the charming assassin. I might be just a bit afraid he may not keep his word. I might not leave the fade if we kept the same tent. It was agreed upon that Sten would keep first watch, Alistair the second, and that I would take third watch.

So that left a lot of time for me to be in a tent. Oh the predicament.

"Why should it bother you so my friend, if I am in a tent with her at all?" Zevran tossed a smirk at Cullen. Something was going on here…

"You are an assassin that just tried to kill her not five hours ago." Cullen pointed his finger at Zevran angrily.

"I failed didn't I?" Oh wow that was cheeky. Zevran shrugged and fingered his blades. Cullen glared all the more at him.

"Furthermore, she is still a mage of the circle and it is my duty as a Templar to protect her." Oh… Cullen was afraid that Zevran would make upset enough to tear the veil and I might become and abomination. That was highly unlikely.

"Oh? I thought everyone gave up their old lives when they were invited into the folds of the Grey Wardens? Am I incorrect?" well no you are 100% right. We do give up all other ties the moment we join.

"She is still under my protection." He growled at the elf and took a menacing step forward.

"Does she need your protection?" The rogue grinned and walked over to me. He placed an arm around my shoulders. "I think our fair warden is rather…capable…of handling me. All by herself. Don't you agree? Besides my friend, you may go and guard the lovely Wynne. Is she not also a Circle mage?" He leaned his face close to mine. OH maker! He is rather handsome, isn't he?

But I hardly know him, and I do know that Greagoir stressed to the Templars that they were meant to protect the Circle mages.

I ducked away from Zevran and I knew I was blushing more than was acceptable. "I don't know if that would be wise, Zevran." I hop from one foot to the next as he chuckles at me. "I've never shared my tent before." I probably should have clarified that, I just meant that while I was used to sleeping in the same room as people, I wasn't used to the same limited area (more or less a bed) with someone. While it was true that I have never lain with anyone either, I had not meant to blurt that out to the entire camp.

Wynne looked very amused. Sten looked….like Sten. Morrigan was shaking her head at me. Leliana was sighing at the sweetness of it. Alistair looked relieved…so did Cullen but he looked a bit surprised as well. Zevran just looked pleased. "Then let me show you what you have missed in that drafty Tower of yours." The rogue purred at me.

"Maybe I should share with Cullen instead?" I had been thinking about the Chantry vows that he had taken! I swear it! I did that thing where I spoke before I thought again, because the camp erupted into chaos.

Cullen was bright red and stepping away from me. Zevran was laughing heartily and Alistair was choking, on what I didn't know. Sten was muttering 'disgusting'. I didn't mean it like that! Wynne was smirking like the world was her own personal lyrium deposit.

Hate you! Someone rescue me!

"Why my dear Warden… if you preferred your men to be in shining armor, I would have polished mine before I spoke to you." I am horrified. This happens to me a lot. Why? What have I done that is so bad? He thinks' I am trying to proposition _Cullen?_ The man hates me!

"She will be safe with me." Cullen suddenly seems to have snapped out of his embarrassment. Mine is never ending it would seem.

I heard something that sounded suspiciously like 'I don't think so' for Wynne. I can still feed you all to the darkspawn! All of you! "Right. Then I will just…um…get to bed then." Flee! Run as if the Mabari war hounds are nipping at your heels.

"You do have an extra bed roll, don't you my templar friend?" Zevran called and I halted my steps. I had forgotten all about that. Sharing a bed roll with Cullen? Oh fade no!

"Actually." I can hear my own voice crack and I wince. "I think I will just sleep next to Morrigan." The said woman looks up at me clearly amused. Just shut up and move over. I drag my things to her lean-to and settle my things. I grabbed my night gown, and a change of small clothes. I then went to Wynne's tent and go ready for bed.

Zevran throws back his head and laughs. "More room for me then?"

"I'm serious. I am warning you not to touch her." I can hear Cullen threatening from outside the tent.

There is not a sound made as I walk back over to Morrigan and settle myself into sleep. I wonder if I can run away without two rogues noticing.

OoOoOo

Damn. The mages beat us here. Redcliffe is as much as I remember it, except the people seem happier to see us. Whoo! Irving asks me who will be going into the fade, I volunteer myself.

Zevran promised to take good care of my body while I was in the fade. I was rather amused. He is a shameless flirt. I turned to Alistair and asked him to not let Zevran try anything funny. Morrigan snorted that I would be better off asking a toadstool for help.

Meh. Semantics.

It is very disorienting like it normally is. It is like being in a large wave of water and unable to tell the top from the bottom. Then I am set on solid ground and forced to argue with the same demon five times. Five times! I am not going to let you have the kid, just give up and come out so I can kill you.

Oh! The bitch split herself into eight or more. Curse you! I attack her with my staff over and over to find the correct demon and not an illusion. She gained back health every time I picked the wrong one. Double damn!

It is a short fight when I finally find her again. She does this trick twice more, but I am prepared this time. The extra help she summoned in the form of shades are quickly disposed of. I am a deadly sex goddess after all. I still find that to be a sweet compliment.

When the desire demon lies dead at my feet, I am pulled back from the fade. Eck! That never gets any easier. The world is spinning again. I am so drained. The force of the lyrium and having to try and stay in that realm, instead of trying to come out, makes me feel the same exhaustion as my harrowing.

Someone is holding me…

"I assure you, she is fine. You can take her up to a recover room. Lady Isolde already said it was fine." Wynne? Is that you?

"Is that truly Solona?" Is that one of the mages? The voice seems far away.

"Yes. That is the woman that saved my Conner." Isolde's thick Orlesian accent rings in the room. I like Leliana's better than hers.

"Aren't you Ser Cullen?" The same mage asks confused. I hear the rumble of agreement from the arms that are holding me.

Oh. I thought I knew that smell. He still smells rather nice, all things considered.

"I am."

"So it's true! You two are together now that you are both wardens!" An excited gasp ran around the room.

Damn you all to the fade and back.

"I-um…no we…" Cullen starts but is interrupted by Isolde.

"They are lovers?" Isolde sounded horrified. Imagine how I feel lady! "How can that be? Are you not a Templar?"

"I…yes, I am a Templar, or I was before I was conscripted. I am to be made a Grey Warden." Cullen sounds unsure. How does it feel? Now you get to deal with this!

"Allow me." Wynne, please be the voice of reason. "You see. Our dear Warden, has been in love with this warden-to-be for a very long time." What? No! No I haven't! I only like him. I don't love him! I'm going to leave you to Zevran's mercy you crazy wench! "However, nothing ever came of it."

Mages are a bunch of loud-mouthed gossipy cretins.

"Indeed. She even professed that she would love him forever." Irving? I should have let you die you rotten old bastard. When I wake up I will kill you! "But Ser Cullen did not return these feelings."

I can hear Leliana take a deep breath. Don't you even think about it!

"Such a sad tale is this.

A mage that loved a Templar at the cost of her own bliss.

In a tower she was raised, and he in a Chantry where he prayed.

Magic was her life's beauty and protecting those like her would be his duty.

She remained sweet and kind.

He became of sound faith and mind.

Her eyes sparkled wide and bright.

The first time they met she knew true delight.

Years passed and feelings grew.

Her care of him had time to blossom.

Something so wondrous that nothing could stop them, for he was handsome, noble and true; and she sweet, vitreous and her honor no one could outdo.

Then an enemy in her friend's skin begged of the sweet mage to help with a great sin.

Yet out of friendship she blindly followed him

She would have been executed for her mistake.

If not for the Grey Wardens, who with her they did take.

Fortune had smiled upon her that day.

Before she left for Ostagar, "I shall always love you." she did say.

His templar honor would not allow,

For him to dishonor his vow.

His affection was not hers for the taking.

Yet she came to rescue him, despite her own heart breaking.

When the tower she once called home became lost in darkness and she was shown;

The path to take to free her love as he prayed for salvation to the Maker above.

Long the battle and many the wound she fought to save her Templar from certain doom.

In the cage he was kept. Denied food and water and demons hounded him so that he never slept.

Her bosom heaving with excretion, she tried to free him from his mental anguish with reassertion;

That no fade demon be she and that she would slay the wicked Uldred; he would see.

When at last the final spell was cast, the monster lay dead and his evil had past.

Solona ran to see the strong warrior called Cullen; her unrequited love.

Who bore only harsh words and hate for what had happened in the tower thereof.

Yet once again she bore his rejection with grace.

Then invited him to stand and face;

The unholy works of the Archdemon by her side.

Even if her presence he cannot abide.

Forever she harbors feelings that shall never pass and now she fights a Blight to protect the love she cannot grasp."

I fucking hate you Leliana. I am going to take that lute and shove it so far up your ass that you will be spitting strings. BARDS! I'm hexing her…I'm getting Morrigan to Hex her!

Isolde and the other mages are tittering about 'How sweet and sad!' and 'How brave she is'. Death would be a sweet release. Where is that desire demon? I have a need for a fake world right now.

Cullen is sputtering again. "I-I don't hate her!" I can't breathe! Too tight! Your armor is unforgiving to my poor ribs. Air! I need air!

"So you two are not in a relationship?" The instigator mage asks disheartened.

"Maker no!" wow…nice. Thanks. I am so glad to know that being in a relationship with me is so blessedly terrible. You know what? I don't even care. Just leave me on the floor and as soon as I awake we are leaving.

"Never fret my sweet. The dear Warden, need no fear being alone. I will be with her, yes?" Zevran, I can hear the smile in your voice.

"I told you to stay away from her!" Cullen is near roaring in the small room.

"If you are not together, than it does not matter if and how I touch her." Cullen. You can't draw your weapon and hold me at the same time. Give me to someone else. Maker!

"What part of she will 'love me forever' did you not understand!" What is going on here? Wynne! Save me! Alistair? ….Sten?

"The part where you have not consummated such a love and therefore I can swoop in and show the lovely little mage a new sort of love. Trust me; you will be the last thing on her mind." Harsh! I am in the room you know. I am semi-awake! You are not getting within eight feet of me unless we are in battle!

"Perhaps now is not the time?" Wynne's voice held a firm edge that did not allow for anyone to argue. Isolde is busy asking questions of the mages and I am moving rather away from the room. Thank goodness! Get me out of here.

The walk to whatever room he is taking me to is slow. I can feel how angry he is because his hands shake as she holds onto me.

I'm sorry about all that. Really, I am. I know how much this sucks. You just nearly had your mind broken, and everyone wants us to rush into being a couple. Not…that I want us to be a couple or anything. I mean it's not that I don't want us to be a couple…it's just. Well I am sorry all this is happening to you. It must be a lot to deal with.

I can't begin to imagine what you went through. I am sorry Ser Cullen. He sets me down and leaves. I can hear his booted feet crossing the floor. Then he stops and from what little hazy vision I have, I can see he is standing guard by the door. Just like he used to at the Tower. He is watching over me.

…Maker preserve me. I think I might actually be falling for Cullen.

Damn.


	9. Chapter 9

**Super big thanks to my Reviewers! I really appreciate making you guys laugh.**

**Thanks to all who have stopped by to read this.  
I suppose it is obvious that I am not very suited for dramatic stories :D**

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**Rated M for language, content, and crude sexual humor…maybe.**

**I own nothing and not suitable for work!**

OoOoOo

I'm hiding from Bann Teagan. For a noble, the man is surprisingly capable of tracking me down. I don't have clue about what the man wants! One minute we were exchanging pleasantries when I awoke, and the next he was asking if I was _married_. Where did _that_ come from?

I told him the truth. No, I am not married. If I am, it is news to me.

I had tried to escape the room quickly. He had been there when I had first woken, and no one else seemed to be nearby. I really need to talk to people who attempt to guard me. What if that had been another Antivan Crow? What then? Dead Warden, that's what then!

Which leads to my current predicament… I think I am in library, or a bed room with one very well-read occupant. I was trying to hide in the kitchen first, because well, I was ravenously hungry. Alistair wasn't kidding about the excessive eating side-effect of the Grey Wardens! Andraste's boils…I think I ate half a goat by myself. Very nicely cooked goat, with a delicious rosemary and herb crust. Hmmm.

I think I'm hungry again. Curses!

I had been sitting with Leliana to break my fast. We had conversed a little about the fade and the Maker. Worst morning conversation choice I could have made. However, my meal was cut short when Teagan came striding in through the door again. I had ducked under the table as quickly as I could. I took a hunk of meat with me by stashing it in my bag.

"Forgive me, Madam. Have you seen Warden Amell around?" His deep voice echoed slightly in the room. I sat behind the solid butcher's block where we had been eating.

"Solona?" Leliana you are a master at acting. Wait. Does that mean you don't actually like me? Huh…I will have to think on that one. "No, I haven't seen her."

"Truly? I could have sworn I just saw-" Drat! I need to take lessons from my rogue friends.

"I believe I would know if I had seen her My lord." She cut him off sweetly. "Would you care to join me? The cook you have here is very talented! What is this sauce?" Yes, distract him with useless banter! It is brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? Right…I'm avoiding him.

"Oh. How kind of you, but no, I am heartily sorry Madam. I have other pressing things to see too." Go away. I don't even find you attractive since that little incident an hour or so ago when he was asking me if I am married point blank. I rub my temples. What is going on in that man's head?

Tut tut. I don't fraternize with my eye candy.

"Thanks." I whispered up at Leliana, who is laughing at me.

"Why are you hiding from him?" I have a better question, why are you looking down my robe? I forgot. I was never to be alone with you again. I must rectify this and swiftly.

"Oh…reasons. Look at the time! I am late to meet with …Alistair. Important Warden business." I dove out from my hiding place and half- ran, half-walked, down the hall. I almost feel bad for leaving like that, but then I think about the look in her eyes and suddenly I am alright with my decision.

Really more than alright.

Hm…Is that Conner? I hurriedly stepped into he room where the now normal, well normal for a being a mage when no one is supposed to know, boy is. He looks sad and lost. No! No motherly feelings. I thought I had successfully weeded you damn things out of me.

You know what? I'll just come back later. I back out of the room.

"Oh. There you are! Warden Amell?" I shut my eyes against the sudden swift rising panic. How does that man keep finding me?

Smile Solona. Smile and don't flee. I could pretend that I never heard him. I could just hike up my robe and start flying down the hall.

I whine in my head. What does the Bann want with me? I saved his village, and I saved his nephew! I feel my lips quiver into a false smile. I think I have the dead cold eyes of a blight wolf to join my toothy smile. I think that terrified him.

"Yes, Bann Teagan?" My cheeks hurt. I think I am stretching my muscles a little too wide. I dart my eyes around. I must find and escape route.

"If you have recovered enough, it is time to meet with Lady Isolde" I don't think I will ever be 'recovered' enough to meet that dirty, rotten, pirate-hooker again…er…Conner's mother again. "Also to discuss what is to become of the blood mage with the Circle of Magi." Oh…right. I forgot all about Jowan.

I have to gut him and dance in his entrails. I think I promised myself that much. Let me at him. I promptly turned on my heel and walked back down to the main hall. Teagan was saying something about 'escorting' me. Why in the fade would I need him to do that?

I'm almost positive I can find the hall on my own…

Hm. I have found a flaw in my plan…which is also my current predicament. Where in the name of the Maker's foot fungus am I? Like I said before, I think it is a library. Oh, perhaps it is a study? I found a desk, well I didn't really 'find it' as it was sitting in the middle of the room.

I might have also 'accidentally' gone through it to confirm it was a study. Because I was most certainly _not_ stealing…

Oh look an amulet! Well I will just put that on right now. I think it looks nice on me. I tuck it into my robes to prevent it from getting abused on what will most likely be, a lengthy journey. As I have stated many a time, the Maker hates me. Luckily this is a mutual arrangement for the both of us. He pisses on my life, and I dance around to avoid the splash.

Eloquent, I know, but that does not make it less true.

Finally, I find the main hall. Oops. They seem to have been waiting for a while. I nervously rub my hands together. It's not funny Alistair! I am going to freeze your under things again. I swear I will. Damn Templars.

Speaking of which, it is time for a head count. Let's see…Wynne, Alistair, Leliana, Morrigan, Sten, Cullen, Dog, and…oh no. Where is Zevran? I crane my neck around and search for him. Hm. Where would he be? I am a bit paranoid about having an assassin I have only known for two or three days wandering about without my being able to see him.

Well, I don't suppose it actually is paranoia if there are a lot of people out to kill me. Right?

I turn around and he isn't there. I sneak a glance at the ceiling. What? You never know! I had demons popping out of the floor before, an assassin hanging from the rafters hardly seems illogical by comparison. The others are staring at me like I have lost my mind. Judgmental bastards.

I will have to hunt down Zevran later. Back to the important task at hand. Murdering Jowan. Really it is all his fault! Now I have a ballad composed after me being a love sick fool for Cullen. Not that I actually _am_ love sick for Cullen…ha ha ha…

However, must to my dismay, it would seem that tales of our 'fated love' seem to be spreading to the four corners of Theadas! Fade and damn! This is absolutely unacceptable! Can't I just have all the tales about how wonderful the two surviving Grey Warden's are?

Seriously, I will take more talk about my quivering bosom, sparkling eyes, and how the sweetness of my voice rivals Andraste's. Honestly the fact we are in the middle of a Blight is the only conceivable reason that people would be this worked up over a damn story!

A story that is nothing more than a pack of lies! Lies I say!

Wait…Where is the Arl? ….I really hope Zevran is not doing what I think he is doing… Oh Bann Teagan-no-longer-eye-candy is talking.

"So it is over." Very astute of you Teagan, and you, stop looking at me you wench! "Conner is his old self. He does not seem to remember anything, which is a blessing." Well it would seem that you don't have eyes. I am willing to bet that child remembers a whole heck of a lot. I think you might need to take him to the Circle. You know, the place where I came from Isolde. The one with all the _mages_. You know _mages_ don't you Lady Pirate-hooker? "I suppose we will need to send him to the Circle of Magi's tower for…training." What? It's not like they are going to kill the lad! …oh…well…uh…

Hey it's abomination free!

"Odd to think of the boy as a mage, of all things." I can feel my hackles rise at his statement. Screw you too asshole! Who just saved your precious village and that sweet little boy? That's right, me, and the others. However, three of us are mages in this very room. Insufferable noble bastard. "Eamon has much to mourn and rebuild should he recover." Wait. What? The man is still knocking on death's door? I groan. This could not get any worse! "But at least he can be thankful that both his son and wife are safe." Thankful…I suppose that is a word that could be used. I wouldn't be thankful for the wife living. I would have preferred her dead.

Yeah, I am thinking about you.

"I owe you the deepest of thanks." Oh, you owe Alistair the deepest of thanks, and I will take supreme joy in lording that over you. You are lucky I don't claw your eyes out! Making a young boy sleep in the stables next to the prison cells! Whore. "I had nearly…" Destroyed everything? Caused untold horrors on the land…no, I forgot, you already did that one. "I can scarcely believe Connor is the boy he once was."

He is not. Truth be told, he will never be. You don't get over this kind of thing. I thought _I_ would make a terrible mother, lady you take the soggy cake!

"There is that whole matter with Jowan." Oh goody! The part I was waiting for! "His poisoning Eamon is what started the whole mess." Um…No, no it wasn't. Do you not remember the part of the bitch over here that lied to everyone and hired an apostate blood mage to keep Connor's magic a secret? No? Just me then? "Yet he lives. I must decide what becomes of him." Oh… I really hope Cullen doesn't kill Jowan before I get the chance. If I am reading the look he is giving me correctly, I might have to put a paralysis glyph down, in order to do the honors. "We will hold him for Eamon to decide his fate." That is very impractical! What if Eamon never wakes? Jowan said he didn't even know what poison was used!

Oh wait…I just found a use for Zevran! I knew bringing him along was a good idea…well not really, it had just sort of slipped out, but what a stroke of luck.

"If he doesn't recover, Jowan's fate is sealed. What do you think?" I think you should let me kill him right now. That is exactly what I think!

However, appearing blood thirsty won't win me any favor with the skittish Templar, the matronly Wynne, or the bleeding heart Leliana. "Imprison him for now." Let me kill him! Let me kill the bastard that has ruined my life outside the Circle! I am howling in my head, but fortunately they cannot hear that part.

"Very well, then I shall imprison him again." I am whimpering, I want to inflict massive harm on him now! I don't want to wait. "But our task is not yet done." Ok, stop being a jackass. We both know that by 'our' you mean 'your' which implies me. "Whatever the demon did to my brother, it seems to have spared his life…"of course, because that was part of the pact it struck with Connor. "But he remains comatose." That's a big word for you! "We cannot wake him." That is the general idea behind the word comatose, yes.

"The Urn!" I'm sorry, the what? "The urn of sacred ashes will save Eamon." I pinch the bridge of my nose. I really am surrounded by a bunch of in-bred noble morons!

No offense Alistair.

Fade it. I'll just get this over with. I am going to prove there is no damn urn! I am going to come back here, shatter your faith, and slap you around form making me go all over the land! "I will seek out this Urn." Morrigan, trust me, I don't like this any more than you do.

"Thank you. I am grateful for your eagerness to help restore my husband." Now, so we are not parting on uncertain terms, I am not doing _any_ of this for you. I think you are less than dirt beneath my feet. I am doing this to get back at Loghain, for Alistair, and in the hopes that Eamon helps us defeat the Blight. I couldn't care less about you, you Orlesian slag.

No offense Leliana.

Now I have a new mission. I and my group are heading off to Denerim to find brother Genitivi, who it would seem, has been spending many years researching the Urn. Then we need to go find the ashes, which may not even exist in the first place, wherever they are hiding, and come back with a pinch for the Arl. Peachy.

I wonder mildly, if the Archdemon is looking for someone to help it head the horde.

OoOoOo

We found Zevran, enjoying the company of a cute looking young elf woman, and he promptly started to hit on me. Maker! Enough, I'm in a bad mood right now, maybe later! We picked up some supplies, and a few more tents and bed rolls to be sure. I had a sneaking suspicion we might encounter someone else who might join our rag-tag group, or in the event one got ruined; I bought an extra set of camping supplies.

I am starting to think ahead. Don't worry it won't last long.

We left Redcliffe with renewed energy. Wynne was keeping Zevran busy, by which, they were arguing about killing people for a living. You enjoy that conversation, I am not touching that debate. I smiled at the light breeze drifting about the land and the smell of the flowers in full bloom.

Fade it was good to be free! Now all I have to do is protect this land… well, we will just stick with the good feelings for today.

I had conferred with Sten and Alistair just before we left and they agreed that we shall take the long way around to Denerim so that we may stop at Orzammar on the way. It would make more sense to go and collect the support of the dwarves while we are on this side of the country. They are going to be easier to deal with, than finding the Dalish.

I'm not looking forward to the Dalish. The mage Surana used to tell me stories about how all the elves outside of the tower hated humans. Which, when I stop and think about it, I cannot blame them for. She said that the elves call us 'Shems' or the quick children.

I hope they are referring to our prowess in battle.

Dog seems to be awfully interested in my pack. Oh I forgot about the meat! Well, I suppose it is bad for me now, but a treat for him. There you go boy. Just remember this when the next darkspawn attack comes…

"You know, I've heard about the Orlesian bards." Alistair's unique drawl carries with the wind. You are speaking to the crazy chest-stare-er? Is that even a word? No I don't believe it is. Oh well.

"Who hasn't? They're quite famous, after all." Uh…I haven't. That's right, me over here. You know once again…locked in a tower my whole adult life. I have the distinct feeling I have missed out on a lot.

"The stories I heard were a little... racier. It had to do with how a bard assassinated her target. How they were... lulled into complacency." Oh my goodness! Alistair is secretly a pervert! This is too cute! It's like watching a thirteen year old boy stare at a pretty girl. Adorable!

"If those stories were true, who would ever agree to entertain a bard in their court?" Well from what I met of King Cailin, before he died, he might have. I mean look at the man's father…or um…his brother for that matter.

"Oh, I don't know, there's a certain allure to danger, isn't there? And besides, you couldn't all be assassins, could you? I'd take my chances. If the stories were true, that is." He has a point, however, the first one that seemed over eager to get into my bed, I would question. Case and point, Zevran, who was still taunting Wynne about his beliefs and her bosom…again. Do all male assassins have such a one track mind?

"We had rules about that sort of thing. Strict rules." Ok, now I am going to have to break my rule and get her alone, so I can ask more about it. It sounds so tawdry, and slightly horrifying. Excellent!

"Such as?" Oh yes, please do tell! "You're not going to tell me, are you?" I am slightly disappointed myself. Does this mean that Alistair has feelings for Leliana? Oh Maker please! Take the focus off of me. Please!

"Let's just say I had plenty of reasons to join the Chantry, shall we? And leave it at that." I'm not so sure we need to. Come on, just one tinsy little story? I can't shut you up normally! Now suddenly, you have nothing to talk about. Hmpf!

I flash a smile over my shoulder at Alistair, who is looking very put out by the turn of events. It will be ok. I just hope he doesn't come to me for womanly advice. He would be better off asking Wynne. She at least has had a relationship. Lucky mage.

Well men are incredibly overrated! And as for those…_feelings_ I am starting to agree with Morrigan. They are exceedingly useless. I look at Cullen from beneath my lashes. I suppose he is looking marginally better than he did at the tower. I haven't told him, but sometimes when he cries out in his sleep at night, I put him under deeper with a sleeping glyph. It only lasts for about half an hour, but it normally gets him out of his nightmare.

But it's not because I like him! I do it because I hate nightmares and I need him rested for battle. That's it.

Ugh! I am so confused. I feel like my stomach is filled with little fluttering wings when he looks at me. I think the goat might have been bad already. It must be food poisoning. I search through my pack and pull out a potion I made a few days ago with some spare elfroot. It settles a sour stomach. I took a large swallow.

…..

Nope. That odd sensation is still there. I must not have made this correctly. I re-stopper it and put the vial back. This sucks! Why do I actually have to like him now? This is unbelievably unfair you sardonic Maker. It's still not undying love or anything stupid like that.I just think he is handsome. He seems nice enough, if you aren't me. He is very nice to Leliana and Wynne. He speaks at length with Alistair and I even saw him approach Sten once…He just won't talk to me…because…well…I think he can't stand me.

Blast it! I stomp my feet down the path as we go. Suddenly there is a large explosion to our right and I scamper off ahead. I am prepared for battle, only to find a man and a woman standing in front of a large crater with a smoldering substance in the middle. Oh what is that? It's shiny!

"How did a child survive that?" A child? Where? I don't see one. "The crater is still smoking." Why, indeed, it is. "It's a miracle the boy….five fingers, five toes, that's all that matters to me." Uh…Don't people normally need ten of each of those? Don't mind me, I'm just a creation mage, what do I know about anatomy? "The maker has answered our prayers." With a deformed crater boy? Are you sure this isn't a desire-demon having you on? "Let's go home Martha and raise the tyke as our own." Oh how…nice…good luck with that.

Hey, there is some sort of metal at the bottom of the crater. Finders keepers! Hm. It is rather odd. It looks like it fell from the sky! Is this a star metal? Ouch. It is still a little warm. Well done Solona, you just hoped into the middle of a smoking crater and touched an unknown substance with your bare hands. I'm always thinking clearly. What am I supposed to do with this? I will just put it in my pack for later…

"Do you think that is wise?" I look up from the middle of the crater to see Cullen standing on the edge. Oh, hello. "It doesn't seem safe."

Oh…you are talking to me. I um.. I hadn't planned on this. Think! "…Yes?" Curse it! He finally speaks to me and that is the best I can do? I sound like Sten!

Now he is nodding and walking away. Great. Just fan-fading-tastic! That could not have gone worse. ...Shit!

I'm stuck in the crater.

"Could someone help me please?" I call out. This is so embarrassing. I'm the so called 'Fearless leader' and I am to be bested by a pit that I didn't bother to think about before I plunged in. It was really bright on my part. I think I have been hanging around with regular people too long.

"Do I hear the cry of a damsel in distress?" I see Alistair walk into view, smiling. Oh thank goodness, I was worried it was going to be Zevran or Cullen.

"Hark! Good Ser Grey Warden! You do indeed find yourself a damsel in distress." I grin at him and he grins at me in return. There are times, I am so grateful it was Alistair who survived with me.

"Perish the thought my Lady! No distress shall bother you now that _I_, the dashingly handsome, Royal bastard am here!" I laughed. He used my line, but it was well timed.

"Alright. Save me Ser Royal Bastard!" I threw my hands up in the air and pretended to be in distress. Alistair was being rather corny as he pretended to dismount form an imaginary horse and come to my rescue.

"Oh is this the part where the tall dark and handsome Pirate Zevran comes in?" Well, it was fun while it lasted. I caught a glimpse of Zevran on the other side of the crater."Prepare to be boarded!" Eh! What! I started to scramble up the side that Alistair was on.

"That's not funny." Alistair growled at the rogue. No, it would be funny if he were talking about someone other than me.

"Oh, my dear Warden, who said I was joking?" I flushed, slightly bashful about his flippant sexual remarks.

"I'm sorry Zevran" I said while trying to get out without ripping my robe. It is a hard thing to do at such a steep incline! And who said mages needed to wear fading slippers! Slippers! I am getting some damn boots in Denerim. "I am not quite prepared to give up my maiden voyage."

It must have been the right thing to say because he started laughing. Ok, I have to remember that Zevran likes to flirt, and that I should try not to be horrified at the outlandish things he talks about. That is easier said than done.

"Are you finished playing in the dirt?" Morrigan sneered at us with distaste.

"We are not playing in the dirt, my lovely, we are trying to help our dear warden out." Why does everyone keep calling me warden? They all know my name…at least I think they do. I am fairly certain I have told it to all of them.

Have I? Oh no…I'm starting to sound like Flemeth!

Alistair climbs half-way into the pit to get me. I grabbed his hand as he hauled me out of there. A bit too hard I think because I fair when sailing through the air. I landed in an un-lady like heap on the ground. Did you miss me?

"Are you alright?" …Yes, Alistair, I am fine. Thank you for asking.

Royal Bastard.

OoOoOo

Camp has been much better since we have had the correct number of tents and bed rolls. It has not escaped my notice that almost everyone has to have their tent near mine. What the fade is this? Half of you people snore! I have heard you. Oh don't blame the Dog. I know better.

Can you believe them?

For whatever reason, they all seem to play the 'get the best spot next to Solona' game. We have started doing watches in twos. With the wilder terrain, the threat of assassins, and the growing amount of taint Alistair and I are sensing, it seemed prudent.

The odd thing is that Cullen insists on keeping watch with Zevran. Simply insists on it. I still am trying to figure that one out. They don't like each other; that is as plain as day. So what in the name of Fereldan makes him want to keep watch with the rogue?

Perplexing. Also, it makes it very hard to sleep. They bicker about everything! Maker's soggy nose hairs! I can't catch a wink of sleep to save their lives. If it isn't the way Zevran acts, it's the way Cullen fights. Or if it isn't the way Cullen speaks, it's the way Zevran dresses. I was forced finally, after about three weeks, to split them up. I claimed it was so I _wouldn't_ kill them. I left out the part that I probably _couldn't_ kill them. I don't want them knowing that just yet.

Also, Cullen has become less quiet. Which is nice, as we have spoken once; to actually have him talking to me. The night had been young about a week back, and Cullen had been the one to take first watch, and I had taken it with him. He had been surprised, but I _needed_ sleep. It was certainly not just an excuse to spend a little time with him. Absolutely not! Are you insane?

"Nice night huh?" I could have kicked myself if the opportunity had arisen. Stop acting like an apprentice meeting a Templar for the first time! This is just Cullen. The man who I have come to realize has a very nice smile. That is never actually directed at me…

He looked startled. I had been trying to keep my distance so as not to upset him anymore. "It-It is a nice night." Holy crap! He is talking to me! Oh no! What do I do? Uh…

"Yes."Great, back to monosyllable words. Fantastic girl!

"…I don't blame you, you know." The words were quiet and I had to strain to hear them.

"Blame me?" What had I done? I racked my brain. Well I did make that joke with Morrigan about going apostate, but I don't think he heard that. In case he did though, I will have to change my destination.

"For what happened at the tower. I'm not…I…know that you didn't have anything to do with…that." Oh. Well that wasn't what I was expecting.

"Thank you. And I'm sorry. For what happened…" I trail off lamely, unsure of what to say.

Then he just nodded at me. What the fade does the nod mean? Was that a 'we can be friends' nod or 'let's never speak of this again' nod? Ugh! Men are confusing! Does this mean he doesn't hate me?

I think my heart just skipped a beat. Whoa there girl! Reign in those hormones! The poor man still is recovering from a traumatic event. The last thing he needs is me pestering him about what one nod means.

I really want to ask though.

OoOoOo

It has been several weeks on the road and we are almost to Orzammar. Which, is a wonderful thing, I am close to resorting to blood magic if it means a real bed. Oh and linens! Maker, I would sleep with a Hurlock for a bed with linens!

Eww. On second thought, with that lovely mental image, I think I might just stick to my tent. Except that my tent seems to be perpetual used as an area to loiter. Alistair and Leliana use it to chat by. Sten uses it to lean against. Wynne uses the back area to make her poultices and Zevran has invited me to his tent every night. Every single, Maker be damned, night.

Coincidentally, Cullen has been sharpening his blade by the fire every night. I get that he wants to do his duty by me and what not, but it's rather terrifying; and he's not even looking at _me_ while he does it! I haven't got a clue how Zevran stands it. I would live in constant fear that Cullen was going to murder me, if he looked at me like that.

Wynne has been nigh on insufferable for the last four days. Its constant hints about Cullen and I. when will you learn Wynne? That there is no Cullen and I! He clearly does not feel _that_ way about me. Which, I understand because my image was used to torture him. That is a stellar way to start a relationship! 'I'm sorry a demon used my face as it killed your friends. Want to kiss me until I can't talk?' No? Alright then.

I mean I don't like him all that much. I am in no different a place than I was several weeks ago. Really, I should just put this out of my mind and never think of it again.

WHY DOESN'T HE LIKE ME? I have given him gifts. When I give gifts to the others they exude gratefulness. Cullen just says a quick thanks and walks away. However, I suppose it has had some effect. It hasn't been as awkward as I had feared so that was something at least. Everyone else in the party seems to like me for the most part. Why not him? I've been nice; I have made a joke or two. Nothing! What am I doing wrong?

I'm very close to just giving up. Then that stupid little tiny spark of hope flares and I am lost to it.

Sadly, this vicious cycle has been occurring for the last week as well. I have busied myself with going over maps, and I have bathed Dog twice. Consequently he won't go near a body of water with me now. I have learned more about Morrigan than I thought possible. Flemeth…is a messed up being. I'm just saying.

We entered the Frost Back Mountain pass and come face to face with some of bandits or thugs that have been hired to kill us. Oh come on! There is not a big 'Grey Wardens right here!' sign hanging around our necks. How the bloody fade do these people know we are coming? I look back at my odd group; I withdraw the question.

I admit that I do not need to bring everyone with me, but it seems like much less of a hassle to have them all around me. Breaking into small groups is also a large bonus for when we encounter different situations.

I also don't need twos and threes of every type of person in my group. I have two mage kindred, three warriors, and two rogues. But, I have learned, it never hurts to be prepared. I have found that certain people are best around others in the group. Zevran, Sten, and Morrigan are a fine combination.

Putting Morrigan and Wynne together is like asking the Teviner Imperium to give up magic. It's not pretty and I have never heard so much spell-cursing in my whole life. I lived in a tower full of moody teenagers!

However, Leliana comes with me for picking locks and her ranged abilities, and because she is better to have around Alistair and Cullen. Her belief in the Chantry helps sooth the ruffled Templar feathers. I like my Templars to be less on edge and murderous when it's just them, the bard, and me. I think it is sound reasoning.

Also I can't leave Zevran and Cullen alone together. I am sure you already understand why. I just wish I knew why they don't get along! It's simply maddening. I can just _barely_ coax them into getting along when I am a constant presence. If I left them alone together I am sure that I would come back to one or both of them missing a limb.

I am _not_ cleaning that up.

Loghain's soldiers are arguing with a dwarf guard outside the gates of the city. I sigh. I can already tell this is going to be a lot more trouble than I have originally planned for. I am so irritated right now I could just let Morrigan eat them all. That, at least, would be entertainment!

Andraste; what did you ever see in the Maker?

"Vieta! This land is held in trust by the sovereign Dwarven kings!" Did you have to practice that mouthful? I've never seen a dwarf before! You are half-way rugged looking. It's like mixing a baby bear and a noble! Huh…that's actually a disturbing thought. "I cannot allow entry at this time." What! I did not travel for all these weeks just to be told no.

I'm a sodding Grey Warden and I have the documents to prove it! I briefly wonder if Ser Carroll is alright, phew, moment's over I can go back to disliking him. Queen of Antiva my ass.

"King Loghain-" King? KING? Did I just hear that little lizard correctly? "Demands the allegiance of the deshyr." Wow I really needed to get out of the tower sooner. What in fade's name is a deshyr? "Or lords or whatever you call them! I am his appointed messenger." You are awfully proud about being an errand boy. I wouldn't go saying that aloud if I were you. Never know when Grey Wardens might be lurking about…oh…wait. What is it that Morrigan said…oh yes…I have been so looking forward to new prey.

"I don't care if you're the king's wiper." Oh that was good! I chuckle in spite of the situation; I think I am going to like dwarves. "Orzammar will have none but it's own until our throne is settled." Well, none but its own and a charming set of Grey Wardens and company.

I smiled freely as we walked up to the guard. "I seek an audience with the king."

The guard turned to me, his gaze sad. "Orzammar has no king." Well that puts a damper on things. "Kind Endrin Aeducan returned to the stone not three weeks ago." Returned to the stone? What does that mean? Will he be coming back? "He was sick over the loss of his sons. The assembly had gone through a dozen votes, but has yet to agree on a successor." Oh no…I smell another problem I am going to have to fix. "If it is not settled soon, we risk a civil war." Is that all? Oh fade's bells, that's easy!

No its not, this is going to be the largest pain in my ass, I can already feel it. I wonder if I could beg Alistair to carry me around when this is all done. I doubt I will be able to walk; the pain will be so great.

"I am a Grey Warden. These documents grant me entrance." Eat that you little Loghain upstart!

"The Wardens killed King Cailan and nearly doomed Fereldan!" The Maker we did! You lying little sack of shit. I'm going to kill you. I feel Alistair agrees with me by his growl of anger. You shouldn't have pissed him off. I have seen the man fight. You are going to be a red smear on the steps, "They are sworn enemies of King Loghain!" And damn proud of it too.

The guard ignores him. Good, he is guttersnipe trash anyway. "Well that is the royal seal." Naturally. I have no idea how old the seal is, but I can guarantee its authenticity. "That means only the assembly is authorized to address it. Grey Warden you may pass." Ha ha! Does Loghain's little lackey have anything to say about that?

"You're letting in a traitor and a _foreigner?_" Hey! I was raised in Fereldan thank you, there is nothing foreign about me! "In the name of King Loghain I demand that you execute this….stain on the honor of Fereldan!"

He did not just stick his finger in my face. I feel my magic rumble in anger. I am more than a little vexed. I am going to be obliterate this man and that mage that stands behind him will meet his end by my hand. I am no stain you molted-nose yip dog!

I don't reply with words. I turn and walk to the guard, then I turn around and I arcane bolt the insufferably rude bastard down the steps. Everyone stops for a moment, the guard demands we kill each other off his door step. Agreed! What a marvelous idea…

The Templars fall into battle easily. I order Leliana to fire a pinning shot at the bastard who called me a 'stain'. I'll show you what the Grey Warden's are capable of! A flurry of spells zip through the air. I am in a mage-rage. In less than 45 seconds he is dead and won't be using that blasphemous mouth of his again.

Now where is that mage? Oh, are you browning your pants at the two Templars standing in front of you? You should be. I would if I were in your position.

But I'm not. You see, I am going to live. Bye-bye!

Then we are walking up the stairs again and the guard thanks us for getting rid of the man. You are very welcome, my stout friend!

We are lead into a large room with all sorts of intricately carved statues. From what I can see they are all male and female dwarves. A mother is addressing her daughter about a 'Paragon Branka'. What's a Paragon? We stop to look at a few of the statues and one _extremely_ uppity dwarf tells me that Orzammar doesn't need help from an outsider.

I would love to leave you in your little whole in the ground and just take the troops with me. However, I was already told at the door, the assembly is in stalemate and there is no King to grant my request. Just because I am a mage, don't think I can't inflict bodily harm on you. You are resistant to magic, not immune. Learn the difference asswipe!

Then the main gates into the city open…

"It's…big." Leliana, your grasp of the obvious is astounding. How do you manage?

Curses! I just know I am going to get lost in here.


	10. Chapter 10

**Thank you once more for reading and an even bigger thanks to those that have reviewed! This is a two chapters for one deal because I will not be able to post tomorrow. **

**I own nothing, and this will be rated M for language, crude humor, and a bit of innuendo.**

**Most likely not suitable for work.**

**Enjoy!**

OoOoOo

Eh? I think I have passed this same merchant four times now. It is official. I am lost. Not only am I lost, oh no…that would have been simple enough, somehow in a sea of people half my height; I have become separated from my group.

I could have sworn they were all following me…

I can tell that there is civil unrest between someone named Bhelen and Harrowmont; mostly because they were arguing the moment we stepped into the city. Talk about timing! It's almost like the Maker has orchestrated all of this for my benefit somehow…

Nah. That is just plain crazy talk.

Then I went down to the left and I truly thought that everyone was with me. However, it seems that the swell of the market place has pulled me like a tide away from my companions. Oh well, it is not as if much could happen anyway. I have most of the money…what? They are not touching this money. This money is for emergency purposes only.

Emergencies such as getting me a room in an inn.

I am walking between the stalls clearly at a loss. I look all around me and I can only just sense Alistair. I know he is here but I cannot tell where, because of the taint that is singing out of the Deep Roads. That is what the dwarves call them, and I remember Alistair mentioning them once when we spoke about being wardens. It would seem that one day I will have to journey down them when my end comes.

The Warden's have a worse retirement plan than the Crows, and that is saying something!

I get bumped into by someone from behind and stumble to catch my balance. They shout at me like it was my fault. I am twice your size! It is like walking into a column. How did you miss me? Do you not look where you are going? What a rude little woman! I can't believe no one has come looking for me! For that matter, how is it that my own dog hasn't found me. I hate getting lost!

I circle around once more, but I still can't find anyone. Fine then, I will see what I can learn on my own. I go back the way I came toward the main gate, and cross to the other side. It all looks remarkably the same. Structures all carved into the very stone. It is all very beautiful and a bit intimidating.

The picture of a beer mug catches my eye. Perhaps they went into the tavern? Or at least I think it is a tavern, I would hate to think of what else a place called "Tapster's" would be. Sure enough, it is a tavern. Well, I suppose I could stand one little drink. The road was rather dusty.

And it is better to wait for someone to find me…right? The barmaid is very nice to me as I order an ale for myself. It tastes much different than the alcohol they have at the tower. This is really…earthy. It almost tastes like dirt. I still drink about half of it because I paid for it, and it is still liquid.

Hm. I feel nice and fuzzy now. I no longer care that my so called companions have left me. Even if it was by accident. I bet they don't even miss me! I need more to drink, I am still parched.

I don't know how long I was drinking, or the exact moment when I ordered a round of the finest for everyone in the house happened. I was aware only of paying for my indulgences. We had plenty of money left…why was I worried?

You know, dwarven men are a lot more attractive when you come to Tapsters. Why is that? Oh I can feel the stress of the road just mmmmeeeelllltttt away. I am laughing quite happily at something two drunken men on a stage are saying.

I think they are singing actually. Ha! I have no idea what they are saying. I don't know Dwarvish. That is a funny word…dwarvish. Say it with me….D..w..ar…vi…sh… I snorted at my own wit. Look at those drunk fools! Who would get that sauced? I certainly wouldn't. Nope. Nu-uh.

That girl over there has the most incredibly beautiful eyes…They sort of remind me of Cullen's, You know what? Cullen is actually rather pretty for a man. Can men be pretty? Ha! Pretty man…or boy? Pretty birdie! No. I mean pretty boy. I am snorting into my second beverage now.

I chuckle…birdie…

Weeeellll! That hoity-toity archdemon for no woman waits! Huh…that doesn't seem right. What was I doing? Right I am off to find myself a King! A Dwarvish King! I dissolve into a fit of giggles as I shakily push myself off of my barstool.

Outside of the tavern I am walking. Orzammar is so nice! Everything is so nice! Oh…pretty blinky lights! Hey…there is a door in my way. Move out of the way door! Oh. This place looks so much nicer than the rest of Orzammar! It is so grand and all the little people are dressed so prettily. Ha ha! Birdie!

Some dwarf is shouting. Hey it's not nice to shout. Use your indoor voice! Or are we outdoors? No, we are underground so it must be indoors. Shh! You have to be quiet. I should go in there! I should go in there and tell them that you are shouting.

I will. Shouting is rude. You shouldn't be rude. Rude.

There is a man waiting inside for me. Did you hear that man shouting? He should be using his indoor voice. Huh? Yes, I am the Grey Warden. That's a funny word too. Warden. How did you know I needed soldier's for the Blight? That is fantastic. This will save me so much time! Of course I will help you!

Lord Harrowmont? Sure! I'll go into the proving for Lord Harrowmont. Ha ha. Lord Hairy butt. Where are the provings? Oh ok! I'll be right back!

Hairy Butt!

OoOoOo

To hear Wynne tell it, it was quite a shock to see me standing in the middle of the arena laughing uncontrollably at my opponents. The most embarrassing thing is that, it would seem, I am a better fighter when I am stone cold drunk. Turns out, they were in fact looking for me. They had searched every bit of the diamond district and the merchant district to find me. They didn't think to look inside any establishments for me.

Of-fading-course. I can only cast destructive spells when I am drunk. It would seem that somehow, I managed to cast tempest.

How the fade did I do that?

They had learned of a Grey Warden agreeing to fight in the honor of lord Harrowmont from the Diamond district's news criers. I rub my aching head and whimper as I cannot fix myself with magic. I have drained it all in my battles and used my Lyrium potions as well. Wynne you are worse than the Archdemon…stop talking.

"Imagine our surprise! " Ow! That was louder than need be. Bitch! "To see you standing there trying to go up against four highly trained dwarven soldiers!" I won didn't I? …I did win right? "What were you thinking? That's right you weren't thinking!" I'm near sobbing at the pain in my head. What do they put in their booze? Please Wynne…Please…if anything in you is human, kill me now and end this torment! "Drunk! You went into a fight Drunk!" I didn't know you could reach that octave, or that my ears could bleed.

I whimpered at her. I don't trust myself to speak. They are all glaring at me. Really, you should blame yourselves; who lost me in the first place? Ow! My head!

"If that was a new tactic, I would love to see how it works against the darkspawn." Alistair, now is not the time to be pretending that you are more mature than I am. You just had a _smidgen_, the tiniest bit, more luck than I. It could easily have been you that simply stopped for a drink.

"What do you have to say for yourself? Hm? Who taught you primal magic? You have never been able to cast anything from outside the school of creation magic since I have known you!" I lean my head against the table they have sat me at, to yell at me. I have no idea. I didn't even know I casted it until you told me. I was never able to master all that lightening and the churning magic…churning…Oh…I am going to be ill. I close my eyes against the wave a nausea that hits me.

"You nearly gave poor Cullen a heart attack!" Shut up you bard wench! I do not need more voices dancing though my head. Where is the veil…I will just rip it and let whatever comes out eat me. Oh…it hurts too much to try. "The poor man! He frantically tried to call out to you as that Piotin Aeducan was attempting to remove your head from your shoulders; and you just wave and say 'Hello Cullen!' as freely as you please!" Oh damn. I did what? I will never drink again. A few weeks ago I would have thought I was saving him the trouble. I think I see two of Zevran. "If you hadn't have stepped forward to greet him, you would have been killed!"

But I wasn't! I just now wish that I was! Oh this is mortifying and I think I can feel the balls of my feet throbbing in time with my head. Maker! "Enough…" I rasp out and the words feel like they are stabbing my eyes over and over. "Zevran…Bed." He seemed to be the only one amused by the turn of events. Wynne had taken great delight, later, in informing me that Zevran had taken bets on if I would survive or perish.

He won a tidy sum of money it would seem.

The elf laughed merrily, laughing is a demon's own invention when you are hung over. "As you wish, my deadly sex goddess." I crinkle my face into a smile, which creates a low and painful throb through my body, but it was worth it. Save me!

"Oh no. You are not getting away that easily." Leave me be you harpy!

"My dear Wynne, perhaps it would be best if she rested after her…exertions, no?" Please ooze enough charm that I can sleep for a few hours. Or for Wynne to heal me. Where is Morrigan? Doesn't she owe me a favor of some sort?

Zevran lifted me up, and I feel his warmth immediately. I am cold and I hurt. He nestles me against his chest and takes me toward one of the rooms we have rented for our stay in Orzammar.

"Was it really that bad?" I grumbled into his armor. I think they must be exaggerating. I couldn't have taken on all of those dwarves by myself.

"Oh no, lovely, it was much worse." His chuckle rumbles through my ear, and I smile in spite of the pain. "You gave us all a scare there, but the way your face lit up and your delightful bosom quivered, was very enticing to watch." Pervert. Thank you though, for caring about me. I will apologize to the others later.

"Are you calling me pretty?" His earlier comment brought to my attention. I looked up at him even though the dim light was nearly blinding.

He winked at me. "Perhaps I am." Aww. If I couldn't feel my skull about to cleave itself in twain, I would hug you for that. He brought me into the room and promised to go fetch Morrigan for me since it didn't look like Wynne was going to be forgiving me any time soon.

I can't believe I had waved to Cullen in the middle of a fight. He is going to kill me.

OoOoOo

I'm not sure if I should be flattered or insulted that Lord Harrowmont thought that my behavior was not out of the ordinary. I really don't know how to feel about that. I had been healed sufficiently by Morrigan and now that it no longer felt like Genlocks were raining arrows down on me, I could function once more. I had returned to find that the man I had spoken to was named Dulin, who was Harrowmonts second in command. It would seem that I had fought in the proving to declare my allegiance to Lord Harrowmont.

….Ok…I am never getting drunk again.

Dulin was quick to inform me that I have delivered a large blow to Prince Bhelen's honor, by besting all of my opponents single handed. I have been trying to figure out how I cast a destructive spell all morning. I have tried, many times and all in vain, to repeat the process. I have ended up with absolutely nothing.

Not even enough of a charge to rival the jolt of electricity that comes from walking across a rug. Fade and Damnation!

Then there was the little fact that Alistair and Cullen are now following me like Templar shadows. I can't even turn around without bumping into one of them. Really guys, I am not going to go running off into battle again. I promise. I swear to the Maker I won't. Hang-over's are killer.

Anyway…back to Lord Harrowmont, who is now asking for another favor. My head is starting to hurt again. I have to go into 'Dust town' and stop a 'Carta' leader named 'Jarvia' for you to have enough political pull, to give me the army which has already been promised to The Grey Wardens?

This is horseshit! Boat loads of horseshit!

But I have to do it in order to spare Orzammar civil war and get my damned army. They had better be the best possible fighters you have. I am not joking. I have no choice but to agree, which I do. Then as soon as that delightful little conversation was over, we headed out Dust Town, where the others had been to before, in an attempt to find me.

I am angry about this whole situation and still mightily embarrassed for my stupidity before. This won't stop me from calling other people stupid, because they are, and I have the age-old excuse that alcohol was involved.

"Do you mind If I ask you a personal question?" I looked back to find Alistair talking to Zevran. He had been so close behind me that I had almost thought he was talking to me.

"You may ask, but I may choose not to answer." Well that certainly seems understandable. There are questions I wouldn't want to answer. Like when Alistair asked me if I had licked a lamppost in winter. Where in the Maker's name would I have found a lamppost at the Tower? I swear sometimes he just doesn't understand.

"Fair enough. Have you... had very many women in your time? I mean... you seem like the sort of man who would..." I blush to the tips of my ears. Are they talking about _that_ sort of thing…in public? There are four females walking right next to them!

"I have indulged from time to time, perhaps, when my interest is not elsewhere." I snorted, his latest interest just so happened to be at Redcliffe castle if I recalled correctly. I had to hand it to the man, he did work fast.

"Right. Well, how do you... woo them? Is there a... technique? Or..." OH MY MAKER! He was going to woo Leliana? Oh this was just too sweet! Alistair is like a big Grey Warden stuffed animal! I peak over at Leliana, who was looking back at me. I wonder if he knows she can hear him.

""Woo them?" Are you quite serious?" Oh! Don't be mean to Alistair! He is the sweetest man! You answer him or I will glyph your man parts to smithereens.

"Er... yes? I don't know what else to call it." Too cute! I bite my lip to keep from giggling.

"So let me get this straight. You have... never wooed? Not once? You are woo-less, as it were?" Alistair is a virgin? Somehow that makes him down right sexy. It is so cute. I should have guessed, he was raised by the Chantry. I just assumed by the stories he had of the Warden's that they would have helped him uh…deflower?...or uh…become a man? What is the correct term for this?

"All right. Bad idea. Never mind." Alistair is blushing more than I have ever seen him, and Zevran is giving him a 'come-hither' sultry look. Oh, this is awesome. I watched him leave my side and walk next to Wynne. "Soooo, what would you do if someone told you that they loved you?" Wow. He is desperate to get some advice. Maybe I should talk to him about Leliana.

"Check their eyesight first, perhaps. Is this someone I should know about?" I laughed before I could stop myself and Cullen looked at me guardedly. I smiled sheepishly at him, Orzammar seems a lot smaller when he is looking at me like I am about to run and jump in a lava pit or something equally fool hardy.

"No. I mean, pretend you're a woman..." I bit the inside of my cheek and suppress the belly laughter that is rolling through me. Oh he is so endearingly awkward!

"I am a woman, Alistair. That shouldn't be too hard, but I'll give it a try." Yes, but you are an evil, naughty, mature woman who is almost as bad as Morrigan, you just won't admit it. I haven't forgotten the events at Redcliffe Wynne, I know what happened. I know.

"Ahhh, that's... not what I meant. Just... pretend you're another woman. And someone told you that they loved you. How would you react?" Oh really, he should just tell Leliana already, I am sure she would love to hear it. She is very pretty after all, and you are handsome it seems like a perfect match. You could tell jokes, and she would sing to you. Eww…too much potential love there for a moment.

"Well, that depends. Does this someone just blurt it out? Do I love them back? I need context." Well, she is a half-crazy bard that openly stares at my chest, and he is a bumbling virgin Grey warden. Enough context? Huh…that's odd. Cullen seems to be listening to their conversation too. He is staring rather hard at Alistair.

"I... I don't know if you love them back. Maybe you do. You've... spent a lot of time with this person." I am so glad he got away from the Chantry in time.

"Perhaps you need to wait for the right moment? You could get her alone in camp, give her a gift perhaps." Hm. I am going to have to stay up and try to spy on this exchange. Oh don't act all superior, just because I'm not getting anywhere doesn't mean I shouldn't get to watch another romance unfold. Besides, maybe Alistair could tell me how one goes about wooing a Templar…er…I mean man. I don't want to woo Cullen, don't be silly.

"Oh, I wasn't talking about me... just... forget I said anything" Cullen looked up sharply at Alistair and paled a little. Huh? Is something wrong here?

Wynne chuckled at him. "As you wish." Meany! Leave the poor man alone!

He forlornly returned to my side and gave me such a sad look. Oh. I think I still have a heart. Damn! Who let you out of the box? I reached out and squeezed his hand and smiled at him. I have no idea what to say at a moment like this.

Cullen must have stumbled because suddenly Alistair was jostled from the side without warning. What was that look for? It was just an accident Alistair.

"Why do the poor not rise up against their betters? This I never understood." Morrigan's distaste draws my attention. Oh…dust town…is a hovel. There is literally filth in every square inch of this place. Disgusting!

I try to hide the look on my face at all the obvious squalor around me. It was…impossible to do. I can't keep the anger out of my walk and I shake with the injustice of it all. The Diamond quarter could easily have housed all of Dust Town in one home and they treated the ones they refer to as 'cast-less' as something less than animals!

This is a far cry worse than the Circle! I feel petty now for getting upset at being crammed into one room with an untold number of my fellow mages, but _this_, fade this makes me want to kiss Irving's feet. That's never going to happen, but it was a dramatic visual, you have got to give me that.

I found a woman named Nadezda sitting by the one pitiful fire in this whole place. I hate to be snobby, but I want to get this over with as fast as humanly possible. She tells me all about the Carta, about Jarvia, and how those with a cast treat them in such a way that borders on torture.

Then she killed my sympathy by asking for money. My nose itches as I could out the 15 silvers for her troubles. I don't think I like being generous…I am not sure though. I am however, not in a hurry to try it again.

Hm. Now I need a bone token. I try not to think to hard about what donated a bone for the said bone token. Please let it have been a nug. Those things seem to be as copious down here as rabbits are on the surface.

Leliana made me get her one as a pet. I have told her three times now that it is her responsibility. She has to feed it. She has to pick up after it, and if the hairless freaky-rabbit gets killed, I am _not _getting her another one.

I shake my head, I don't need to ever have children, I am caring for at least four right now. I sigh. We go into the only home in all of Dust Town that seems to be too poor to afford locks. I know, it is weird right? This place is like a living rubbish bin, and yet, only one house doesn't have locks.

Conveniently, that appears to be the one house where some of the very same thugs we are hunting, just so happen to be. I'm sure I will get over the shock one day. The fight is very brief, before the leader cries for mercy. What is wrong with the people of Fereldan? They all bluster about killing us and then you hack off a limb or two and suddenly it's 'Don't kill me! Don't kill me!' Teases, the lot of them.

"By the Stone! What do they teach you on the surface?" Oh the usual crocheting, cooking, spell casting and righting wrongs… "You fight like the bleeding Archdemon." Well aren't you just a pint sized charmer!

I take the bone token and the information. Then we kill them anyway. It might seem heartless…ok maybe a little heartless…but the people I have spoken to, have clearly been terrified by all of these thugs. I don't like bullies.

I think you can see how I resolved that problem. Sickeningly, I don't think it is a nug bone. Eww!

Cullen had been shoving aside all of my targets before they even reach me. This is actually very nice. I don't want a dwarf tackling my, I think you can imagine just how high up one comes to me. Where they would land would require us to be married at the next Chantry.

Eww!Why am I doing this to myself? Gross…

Ok now Nadezda said that this door over here…well it certainly looks suspicious enough…is the hide out door. Well, the bone token fits. Ta da! I grin toothily at my companions. Zevran gives me a flirtatious wink, and Cullen growls at him. Relax Cullen, he is not going to kill me with all of you standing right here. Cullen pushes me behind him and goes in first.

What is going on with that man?

Well, when they say everything down here is made out of stone, they are not kidding. There is not so much as a stick of wood to be found as we descend into a tunnel. A rather large tunnel that just ends in another door. This is not a very cost-effective build if you ask me.

You were asking me right?

There is a group of dwarves with lack-luster weapons just standing in the middle of the room. "What's the password?" Password? I am _covered _in the blood of your fellow thugs and you are asking me for a damn password? I don't understand dwarves.

"Jarvia sucks lizard eggs?" I can hear a few of my companions giggle and laugh behind me. How's that for a password?

"Looks like we have a martyr boys." No, no, silly thug, I am a mage. Although I guess to you the two do sort of sound alike. Hm.

We erupt into battle, because I was expecting a fight, I was able to throw up a glyph of warding around Cullen. It is the first time that I have ever cast magic on him and I did it without thinking.

What the FADE makes Templars just arbitrarily drain my damn magic! Oh my stomach is trying to claw its way out of my throat. Are those stars I see? Did he smite me? Holy Maker, I think he might have smote me!

Wynne grabs my shoulders to hold me up. It wasn't stars I was seeing, it was my wisp and hers dancing around in the corners of my vision. I hate Templars. I mean it. Ugh! I am so tired of being nauseous! Wynne is pouring delicious lyrium into my mouth.

Wolf tails! That is so much better. I can feel the magic coursing through me again, and it hurts just as much as when Alistair had done it to me so long ago in the Kocari wilds.

"Fool Templar, are you trying to kill the Warden?" Morrigan says caustically.

"What?" Cullen snaps at her as he makes a particularly nasty sweep with his blade. I clutch tightly to my staff trying to summon a healing spell for Alistair. He is losing a lot of blood.

"Watch where you use your dubious…talents…fool." The look of confusion that crosses his face at her words is replaced by horror as he realizes that he had attacked me. "Dwarves do not cast magic. Or have you already forgotten. 'Tis no surprise."

Wynne is helping me keep an archer at bay. I am getting irritated by this, and Sten seems to make short work of the archer. I love having a giant of death with a side of insight. The battle is over shortly and Cullen is at my side in an instant.

Uh…hello…

"I am sorry! I had not thought…" His eyes are looking me over for injuries I think. No need to worry, I am a creation mage Cullen; surely you remember that? Just don't smite me. Smiting the mage is bad. Bad templar!

I smiled at him, I think I must be more injured than I though. I can hear my blood pounding in my ears. Have you always been this close Cullen? "I'm fine."

I can't say why we both looked away, Zevran is whirling his blades around looking slightly unhappy. Then a bright smile paints his face when he sees me looking at him "We are ridiculously awesome."

I laugh. That has to be the best after battle line I have ever heard. I smiled at him "Who could argue with that?" The tension in the group is broken and we are ready to fight again.

They are coming out of the rooms like ants from an ant hill! The little blighters are everywhere! Zevran and Leliana have be priceless at finding and disabling their traps. That is a wonderful thing. Otherwise there would have been crispy-fried mage once or twice.

We found some unfortunate soul in a jail that was made down here. The air was rank with the stench of decay. Yes, it was every girl's dream. A corpse that was a few weeks old was in the cell adjacent to his. I released him after we killed his captors. He was able to run very well for someone who had been caged down here for weeks.

I wonder if he did exercises.

At the last room in this convoluted place; and I thank Andraste that we are almost finished as I am starting to feel like a mouse in a maze, we find Jarvia. She is much more pleasant to look at than I would have expected. I have to say I am slightly surprised. I was expecting some sort of female-man-beast without a soul.

Nope. Just a power-hungry bitch. Those are _much_ easier to kill.

I command Zevran to take her out. He seems displeased by the idea. I'm not taking her on! She'll kill me….good luck though.

"Just get in there! No more questions!" I roared at him as the room exploded into motion.

"Ah. I love it when you are forceful with me." He laughed and disappeared from view. I blinked. Uh…I didn't know he could do that. Alright, I am taking much more care when I bathe now; I don't want to think about whether or not he has been around without my knowledge.

Zevran was not all talk. He is a master assassin. Jarvia lies dead with a snarl gracing her lips. I feel the need to point out that she said I was pretty. Sure it was in the context of 'leave the pretty one alive, I have plans for her.' But a compliment is a compliment!

Maybe my appearance has changed without my knowing it? I only ask because there have been a lot of people who think I am attractive. Being a Grey Warden is rather sexy I suppose.

Damn you Cullen, Like me! Ha ha ha…where did that come from…

We searched the room and found some useable items on the bodies of the fallen. Leliana found a tunnel that lead upward and we followed it…

A wall fell down, and a light caught my eyes as I stared into what looked to be a shop. Fade's bells! What is going on?

"Gah!" AHHH! "By all the beards of my ancestors! How did you… where did you come from?" Oh holy crap you startled me! I am looking at a very upset and confused male dwarf. Uh-oh. I am willing to bet you are the owner of this establishment.

Shit.

"Y-You made a hole in my wall!" I looked behind me. So I did…

I'm not paying for that.

"That hole leads to a tunnel of the Carta's hideout!" Quick thinking Solona! Shift the blame. Shift it.

"It…it does?" Uh-huh. Oh you are in so much trouble when I tell Lord Harrowmont. "Oh sod it! If people find out about this my business will be ruined!" Wait. You expect me to believe that you had _no_ clue that it was there? Oh come on! What did you think was happening when people where randomly coming in and out of your shop without you seeing them! I don't believe you. "They'll think I have something to do with Jarvia!" Well, I already do…so…yeah most likely they will.

This isn't a good day for you, is it? Maybe I should console him?

"Don't worry about it. Jarvia is dead." Huh…him freaking out is not the reaction I was expecting, to be honest. I was sort of hoping for a discount.

"Dead?" Yes, dead. "How?" We killed her. How else would she die? "You…you did, didn't you?" Hey, don't look at me, Zevran killed her, with artful blade work I might add. "And then you climbed out of there into my shop!" Oops, I was looking to avid the 'you caused damage to my shop' conversation again. "Aw, just leave me alone. I don't want anything to do with this!" Really? "And if anyone comes asking, I'm going to tell them you did it!"

I shrug. That was kind of the whole point. But hey, feel free to tell a friend!

OoOoOo

Unbelievable! Simply unbelievable! Go to the Fade Maker! I revoke my previous oath of devoutness, damn you!

I am being forced to go into the Deep Roads and search for a woman who probably died almost two years ago. Why, you may ask? Excellent question! Because dwarves are as insane as nobles!

What the fuck? Am I the only one that see's the folly here? Does not one stop and think 'Hey, everyone else has dies trying to find this anvil and the last lady that looked for it? Maybe we should just stop?' NO! That would be logical! I thread my finger through my hair and yank viciously as it comes loose of the ponytail and tumbles down.

And the best part, the BEST part is that I am only allowed to take three people with me into the roads. Are they out of their stone-loving minds? Four people, against what…30,000 or 40,000 darkspawn? Brilliant notion Lord Jackass.

I shove my newly acquired items into my pack. I have stocked up on food, bandages, rations, potions, and a few bottles of wine I found. If I end up dying in there, I am going to be three sheets to the wind. I grumbled the entire time I packed. I grumbled as I barked out orders to the ones I was leaving behind.

I cursed and hissed when my original group was broken up by a red-haired dwarf claiming to be the lost woman's husband. Of course. I was just lamenting my own fate when he walked up to me.

"Stranger have you seen a Grey Warden hereabouts?" Are you freaking kidding me? I pinch he bridge of my nose. I will not bash this person in the face with my staff, no matter how upset I am right now.

Yeah friend, I have seen a Grey Warden hereabouts…like right about…here.

"I heard tale that he-or was that she- you understand this was several flagons ago-' Of Dwarven ale? I am surprised you are still breathing. Also there is a she and a he, can you be more specific? "Were setting out to search for Branka" I fought the urge to snap my fingers. That was her name. Huh…I have heard that before I think. Oh well. "On Lord Harrowmont's own orders."

He couldn't be looking for Alistair…oh no…he is looking for little ole me. Well you found me, now go away. Hm. He thinks I might be a man. This is too good to pass up.

"What did this Grey Warden look like?" Oh this is going to be good, I can tell.

"Stout and muscular. Fair of face with a strong jaw and a bold nose." I would be the ugliest wmoan alive, besides Carroll if I looked that way. "Surrounded by a great glowing nimbus." This is a nightmare, I will wake any moment. Who came up with the nimbus crap? "If she's a woman…" If? IF? I am a woman damnit! "She might be more slight, but her eyes will shine with the light of purity." This is worse than poetry from Zevran. "Her large but chaste bosom will heave magnificently." Why is everyone always talking about my bosom? "I've been looking for hours but I haven't see anyone who looks like frustrating." You think you have it bad? Ha!

I cannot kill an innocent dwarf. No matter how bloody tempting it is. "I'm the Grey Warden you are looking for." Dear maker let the mountain swallow me whole.

"Seriously?" Yes, I unfortunately, am very serious. "You're the warden? The Grey Warden?" No, I really more of a teal Warden. We are just more fashionable as we slaughter darkspawn and save the world. "If you're the best they've got standards must have fallen way down." Die…just die you little lout. "But I suppose that would account for a Mage being down here. You do have a sodding nice bosom though." I feel violated somehow.

"You will watch your tongue when you speak to the Warden." Cullen hissed to my right. Oh, there went that fluttering again.

"Eh? Who're you?" I have a better question; Who are _you?_

"I'm Cullen Former templar of the Circle of Magi, and future Grey Warden." I love it when you use the commanding voice. Right…I'm in public aren't I?

"By My Ancestors! I've heard of you. That makes you that mage!" 'That mage'? The one with the staff on my back? The only Grey Warden mage in all of Fereldan? What? "The one from the tower that joined the Grey Wardens for your Templar love!"

The world is spinning. …Andraste you woman of ill-repute. How the hell do you know that story?

The dwarf is talking more animatedly now. Kill me. Someone? Anyone? Is there a mage killer in the city? Mage…right here! "Then you know all about how it feels to want to be with the one you love. My wife, Branka, left for the Deep Roads two years ago looking for the 'Anvil of the Void'." I've heard about that once or twice. AND I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH CULLEN. I'm just very…attached to him. Only half-way in love, so that hardly counts. I am gaping like a fish at the interloper. "I know all about how you went back to rescue him, braved a thousand demons." Where do you people hear this rabble? 1000 demons? Do I look like I would take on a thousand demons? "Now you two are married, surely you must know how it feels?"

"Ma-Married?" Oh my knees are weak and Cullen is blushing up a storm. Leliana is giggling merrily behind us and I think I am going to faint. People think we are married now? I haven't even kissed the man! Marriage is a little premature!

"Aye! Every two-bit bard or gossip is chatting off every ear in sight about it. A little bit naughty if you ask me… he he. However, if you are going into the Deep roads you will need my help to find Branka. No one knows her like I do."

"You think that Solona and I are married?" Cullen's deep voice is filled with...excitement? Are you crazy? You don't know what these rumors will do to you like I do.

"Aye. Eh? Aren't you...married?" The dwarf looks between us slightly off balance.

"No, we are not m-married." Cullen stutters at the dwarf. I am pink with embarassment.

"Oh. Well I'm not here to chit-chat Warden. Are we going to find my wife or not?" He asks impatiently.

Cullen, why aren't you as horrified by this as I am? How can you smile at a time like this? All of Fereldan thinks we are man and wife! I want to wail at the injustice of this. It never ends! Why me! Damn you Meghan, wherever your corrupted soul is!

Oh please let me die on this ill-fate journey. I need this dwarf to find Branka. He offers to kill darkspawn and tells me that Branka was a brilliant girl and I will need him because he knows how she thinks. I groan. I need him don't I?

I am the opposite of Andraste.

"Come along then." I sigh wearily.

"If we are going let's get going. Branka's not going to sodding find herself." No, because then she would be competent and I would not need to waste my time.

We pass the guards with our passes and Oghren's status as a deshyr for house Kondrat. Huzzah…

The Deep Roads.


	11. Chapter 11

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OoOoOo

Kill me.

"They tell you what to wear in the Chantry?" Yep, you guessed it. I have been listening to Oghren throw sordid conversation around for the last six hours. I have also listened to him grill Leliana for the last six hours. Six hours that I have also been walking around a maze of darkspawn tunnels that are ludicrously large for the purpose they originally were meant for. What the heck were they trading down here? Entire cities?

"You have robes and such that you must wear." Now, I have never wanted to learn much about the Chantry. Truth is; I DON"T CARE! No one cares about the damn Chantry rules and regulations unless you are a part of the order. Unless, you are a dwarf (who I am almost certain is drunk at this very moment), harassing a pretty woman. Maker's malformed testicles!

Where is an Emissary when you need one?

"And uh, so. Robes. What else?" I blinked back at Oghren who looked faintly excited that Leliana was actually answering him.

"Well... sometimes there are vestments and ceremonial garments..." Oh yeah, I had forgotten those are required sometimes for certain events such as weddings and christenings.

"Right. Right. And... and then?" What do you mean and then? What else is there?

"Why are you so interested in this?" Superb question my bard friend. I think I already have an idea though. I am beginning to think that Oghren is a lecher.

"Oh sod it. Under the robes: pants? No pants?" …Scratch that. He is a lecher and not a very subtle one. It is almost refreshing! A crasser version of Zevran!

"What?" Your under things Leliana, or lack thereof. I snort with laughter and Cullen looks over at me. I cackle at the absurdity of it all. We are down here to chase after a woman who is most likely long since dead, and her husband is interrogating a lay sister about her small clothes. HA!

Good times.

"Stop stalling. Naked or not?" I am giggling by the time he says 'naked'. It would seem that Cullen doesn't find this nearly as amusing as I do, because he is frowning up a storm. Oh lighten up a little, it's not like he is peaking inside her armor or anything.

"What difference does it make?" if the look of anticipation on his face is anything to go by; quite a bit I would imagine.

"All right. Stonewall me. I'll find out one way or the other." Don't you dare come over by me. I'm not in the Chantry!

Leliana smirks as Oghren strides closer to me. "Uh, right. Good luck with that."

"Warden?" Andraste's tits. Why me? I don't want to know what Leliana does or doesn't wear under chantry robes.

"Yes, Oghren?" Cullen, don't you have a job to protect me or something? You are not scoring any future Grey Warden points.

"Same question." He leers up at me. I smirk at him.

"How should I know what's under chantry robes?" I Leliana a smile and she blushes sweetly. Uh…ok then.

"Heh. Aren't you a smart one." He sourly snarled at me. Oh, did you catch that? I know it adds to my charm. "How about mage robes huh? I think we are both aware you know what's under those." He wiggled a finger at my garment.

Why, you sexy dwarven stallion, you. I can't for a moment think of why your wife would choose endless tunnels full of throngs of darkspawn over you. Really, I simply can't imagine.

I smiled wantonly at him. "Oh I have a _very good_ idea what is or _isn't_ under them."

Cullen started sputtering that this was a very inappropriate conversation. Yep, and we are having It anyway. Oh stop blushing. Zevran has said far worse.

"Hot." Oghren snickered at me. "So…uh…what is under there?" His face twisted into a hopeful curiosity.

I have no idea if I should be mortified that I am playing along, or howling with laughter. Let me think. Hm…

Hm.

I pick option number two.

"You want to know?" I leaned closer to Oghren and glanced back at out other party members.

"Aye." His eyes widened just a little.

"Are you sure?" I winked at him and his already ruddy complexion flushed. Oh yes, he has been drinking. I can smell it all over him. It's as inciting as falling into a vat of week old beer. Scrumptious…

"Cullen if you lean forward anymore, you are going to fall over." Leliana giggled and I saw Cullen jump as whirl to face her.

"I-I- wasn't…I wouldn't…not…This is a terribly uncivilized conversation and I am not part of it." His face was beet red. Aww. That is so cute!

"It is so sweet the way you blush." Are you hitting on him? I glared at Leliana for a moment. Who does she think she is?; With her red hair and lyrical voice…and her impossibly curvy hips…and her sweet demeanor. Looks and personality are not everything you know.

Wait.

"So, back to what you are wearing…" He snickered at Cullen for a moment.

"Yes? Do you like the color? If you wanted to borrow it all you had to do was ask." I laughed at his irritated look. I am not telling you about my small clothes. You are _worse_ than Zevran. Everything you say sounds wrong Oghren. Absolutely Everything; when combined with the leering and drooling.

"Stones! Just tell me what is under the robe." His voice betrays his eagerness and I am finding this to be almost screamingly funny. For a drunken dwarf that does nothing but proposition women, and kill darkspawn, I like him.

"Every man's dream Oghren, every man's dream." I watch as Cullen just walked into the cave wall…well that is strange… Leliana giggled at him coyly.

Oh Maker. I just got it….

Leliana likes Cullen. Oh no. This is going to break Alistair's heart; and I am going to need a new bard, because I am going to kill her. Stupid Orlesians. She's not even all that pretty anyway…I think.

"The things I would do to you…." Eh? Did he just…

"What?" I stared at Oghren horrified.

"Oh did I say that out loud?" Yes, and I really wish you hadn't.

OoOoOo

Have you ever had that feeling? You know; the one where you want to grab someone by their pretty little red tresses and slam their face repeatedly into a rock? Say, that jagged outcropping of them over there? No?

I have. In fact I feel my palms itching to do it now.

Now I don't mean to be unkind. Really, I don't. I just have never liked Leliana that much anyway. She is as crazy as I am magical. I can't stand the fact that it is always the 'Chantry' this and 'The Maker' that. If you aren't using the Maker's name in vain; don't use it.

She was never _that _good at picking locks anyway. Her constant singing grates on my ears and I don't think she is very intelligent. _Furthermore, _I think it is a complete waste of breath to be talking to her. So you should stop now Cullen.

Stop talking to her damn it!

We have battled golems, and spirits. Did I mention the giant-ass cave spiders? I hate spiders! I nearly jumped out of my robe. Poor Oghren had to catch me as I leapt clear across the cave. Hate Spiders! I refused to come out of the nook I had wedged myself into, until the queen was dead. She could have laid spider eggs on me!

We have found a dwarf that seems to be tainted by darkspawn he has been feeding off of. I will never feel hungry again. The mental picture alone makes me want to defame the fabled Grey Warden appetite. Blech! Nasty!

I think his name was Ruck. I vaguely remember someone asking me to find someone by that name. Meh. It must not have been important. I have to say once again, I got called pretty. We unloaded some of our gear with him, and Oghren pointed out that where Ruck had created his…nest, for lack of a better word…was once home to many fires and many people. Yay! It's a sign!

Then I killed Ruck. I'm not saying that I am proud of that moment, but a slow death from insanity and taint seemed a bit cruel. The others agreed with my actions, of course none of them would come forward and kill him. Oh no! It had to be done by the mage. When are these people going to stop and realize that I have no physical fighting capabilities! None!

Giving me a dagger is like letting a two year-old play with a knife. Someone is going to lose and eye and it will most likely be me. I am lucky like that.

After my initial teasing of him, Oghren won't talk to me. Butt hurt little berserker. The most he says is that we are going the right way, or that he doesn't see signs of Branka. Oh joy and rapture; a wild goose chase.

Really the fighting part is not so bad. It is the arguing with Cullen part that is causing me to be royally pissed off. The man has an opinion on everything! I almost wish he wasn't speaking to me again. I say we should head north and he wants to go west. He has all these ways he wants to battle the darkspawn when they come. He thinks I have to sick behind him with every single battle.

It started off small enough. A simple 'if you are certain'. Which I was. Turned into 'I don't think that is a good idea'. What does he know? Has he been in the Deep Roads before? No. I know I haven't either, but I can sense the darkspawn so he can shut up.

If he weren't a Templar I think I might turn him into a toad…you know, if I could. I am not going to just up and die if you aren't within arm's reach man!

Then ….ooohhh…then the things he says! Grr! I get angry just thinking about it. The little oaf had the audacity to argue with me during a fight with two ogres outside the Dwarven city of Bonnowmar. I told him to flank one ogre while I was trying to paralyze the second. There were also a three dozen or so darkspawn around.

It sounded like a fine plan to me. Oghren could then take out the second ogre, Leliana and I could attack the other darkspawn, and Cullen could have handled the first ogre. Simple, yes? NOT WITH CULLEN! Oh no! The man argued about leaving me wide open.

I can heal, I'm fine really. I have gotten much better at dodging blades. I should have been a dancer by now.

So we had argued during the whole fight, with him being a stubborn jackass and refusing to leave my side. Any other time, that might have been 'sweet' and 'romantic' but right now it was the most block-headed thing to come up against.

So now here we are, yelling at each other, surrounded by fallen darkspawn.

"Why are you being so obstreperous?" Um…obstepa-what? Stop using words I don't know in an argument!

"I am not!" I have no idea what the word means, but it doesn't sound good. I narrowed my eyes at him. Listen here, Templar, handsome or not; I have been the leader of this group from day one and you sure as Fade are not stepping in now! "You need to learn to follow orders!" I shouted at him.

His hands shook in anger. "I will not follow an imbecilic order!" Oh I know what that word meant. You just called my order stupid. Oh you are…you…UGH!

"I am your leader damn it! You will step in line Templar!" I hissed his former title in a fury. His eyes flashed at the challenge I was presenting.

"No, _mage_, I will not!" He spat on the ground in distaste. So much for chantry manners. "You are as ineffectual in battle as they come." Stop using big words! They don't make you sound smarter. Oh I am so in awe of Cullen and his ability to mouth off in multi-syllable words. Bastard.

"Ineffectual? Who in Andraste's name do you think you are _recruit?_" I am near spitting fire. If I could remember how to cast primal spells your tin can would be lit up like storm in summer.

"You need to calm down Solona." Leliana stay out of this…oh sod it!...I am so pissed off!

"TELLING ME TO CALM DOWN IS NOT GOING TO CALM ME DOWN!" I roared at the bard who jumped back slightly.

"Don't yell at her!" Cullen shouted at me.

"That never occurred to me, being the imbecile that I am!" I hissed back at Cullen, his eyes flashed dangerously at me.

"Leliana deserves better from the likes of _you_." He snarled at me.

It was as bad as if he had punched me. The air left my lungs. He defended her? Did that mean that he…? I think I liked it better when he smote me. I clenched my hands so hard they bled and out of habit I healed them as they formed.

"I see." I'm acting as childish. Of course he likes her. She's pretty and talented. She believes in the maker and never thinks unkind things. She… isn't a mage.

Men are stupid. I don't know why I ever thought otherwise.

Oghren shifts uncomfortably. I scoff. I'm an idiot. Cullen would never...I…it was just a crush anyway. I'm not crying. I have some dirt in my eyes. It is really dusty down here, the darkspawn are so unhygienic. Filthy beasts really.

I should really learn to thank Sten. There are times that saying as little as possible is an asset. "I am the Grey Warden here, not you." I didn't know what other point to bring up. It seemed to drain the others of any sort of fight.

So, suck it. I am the leader. Now get behind me and do your damn jobs.

OoOoOo

"_First day, they come and catch everyone._" Ok….that is a little creepy. Where is that coming from? I just walked into a hall covered in…flesh sacs? Oh I'm going to be ill.

_"Second day, they beat us and eat some for meat."_ I don't think I want to hear any more. I glance nervously at Oghren. I'm not frightened or anything, I am just cold that is why I am trembling.

_"Third day, the men are all gnawed on again." _Appetizing…mmh leftover corpse. I wonder if there are recipes for that?

_"Fourth day, we wait and fear for our fate._ " Uh…that seems like an understatement.

_"Fifth day, they return and it's another girl's turn." _Oh please say we are talking about dancing. Oh please. Darkspawn like to party, right?

_"Sixth day, her screams we hear in our dreams._" S-s-screams?

_"Seventh day, she grew as in her mouth they spew." _My ears! My poor virgin ears! Oh the images…it burns! My mind's eye burns!

_"Eighth day, we hated as she is violated." _Oh no. We are talking about, what I thought we were talking about. I'm gagging. Oghren, you have explicit knowledge of throwing up. Hold my hair.

_"Ninth day, she grins and devours her kin." _Devours? Just opens up her mouth and 'crunch' 'crunch'?

_"Now she does feast, as she's become the beast." _This is the worst limerick I have ever heard!

Oh…there is the speaker. Oh how nice…she's a ghoul. I still think that was a terrible limerick. I try to speak with her and she starts calling me 'dream friend'. Ok don't get excited…keep your hands where I can see them.

I have a staff you know. Stay back!

Then she spouts off some information about the darkspawn and Branka. You want to talk about out of their sodding mind? I whistle as Hespith (that's her name according to Oghren) tells her tale in full. You have _got_ to be kidding me! Even women can't be trusted in as love interests? That's it! I'm going to be asexual!

Let's leave the splotchy dwarf alone now. Oh…well she just ran past us screaming that she won't be like 'Laryn'. Whatever crazy. My group and I start to go through more flesh covered tunnels. There are a few skeletons and darkspawn to fight. Cullen and I aren't talking.

I am also not accepting his help. Granted, I have a few new interesting bruises, cuts, and I have had to use more magic than originally planned, but I don't need _him._ I have Oghren instead. Short, smelly and not nearly as attractive as Cullen, Oghren.

I couldn't be happier.

"She became obsessed, that is the word but it is not strong enough." Not strong enough? You're joking. "Blessed Stone, there was nothing left in her but the Anvil. We tried to escape" See? Now that is a sound plan. "But they found us." Oooh I spoke too soon. "They took us all, turned us. The men, they kill... they're merciful. But the women, they want." Want? In what way? To play dress-up? "They want to touch, to mold, to change until you are filled with them." Um…no, just no. "They took Laryn. They made her eat the others, our friends. She tore off her husband's face and drank his blood." Please feel free to stop at any time. Like now. Right now! "And while she ate, she grew. She swelled and turned gray and she smelled like them. They remade her in their image. Then she made more of them." You can really stop talking now. You are not gifted with the ability to inspire confidence or anything other than sheer knicker-wetting terror. I already live in constant fear that something is going to rip my face off. I don't think a detailed account of a similar event is necessary. Thanks.

"Broodmother…" What the fade are you…

Dear. Thunderhumping. Maker.

It's Lohgain's daughter! Oh what is she doing in the Deep Roads? Ugh! She is as bad as everyone said she was! Are there; 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8…eight tits on that her? I wave my hands in front of my body in disgust trying to get the 'vision' six feet away, out of my mind.

Oh...oh…gross…it has like six chins…oh…oh…tentacles…what are you going to do with those? Oh… it looks like a massive grey turd with extra lumps. Eww. I don't want to touch it…she has a hind-end like an insect. EWWWWW!

Darkspawn females seem to let themselves go…

SICK! She spews at us as an attack? What the fade? Oh I am never going to get the smell out of my robes. There are shrieks everywhere and Leliana and I are trying to keep them away from Cullen and Oghren. Oghren is hacking away at her tentacles and Cullen is attacking the broodmother straight on. The fight is starting to turn in our favor.

I sniff. What…what is that smell? OHHHH! Disgusting! She expels gas at us too? It's like an eight-titted Oghren! Dear maker! My eyes are burning! My sinuses are turning into molten lava. It's so noxcious! AIR! What did she eat?

Wait…I don't want to know.

I'm never going to be able to smell again. There are tears pouring down my face like water in a river. Oh maker. Oh Maker. I can taste it in my mouth…IT'S IN MY MOUTH! AAAAGHHH!

I'm choking so hard that I almost fail to cast my wards. I don't want to touch my tongue to the roof of my mouth for fear of tasting…_that_ again.

You got this; guys. I am just going to be over here…tossing my innards. Crap. One of her slimy tentacles has me. Sick! Gross! This is so wrong. I can feel the slime soaking into my robe. So damn wrong.

I see stars as she shakes me like a rag doll in her grasp. My teeth clatter in my head as my jaw clacks with the impact. Is this what riding a horse is like? The whole world is jumbled and I am unable to focus. I now have more sympathy for the ride my tea must take when I stir it.

Well…there went my hair tie. I really liked that ribbon. You sow!

"Umph!" I landed with my usual grace when the tentacle shaking me was cut without preamble by Oghren. He gave me a wave and ordered me to get up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah…when the floor stops spinning you bastard.

Then there was a hideous shriek and I blurrily watched the broodmother grasp her head and slump forward. Cullen made the final blow. I could have done better.

I try to stand only to fall down immediately. I think that bitch broke my leg. I poked it once and let out an ear-splitting howl. Oh yeah; it's broken. Why did I do that?

I fussed and cursed as I healed my broken limb. In a few minutes the swelling had gone down and the bone was set correctly. I sped up the healing process enough that I would be able to walk on the leg, but running was out of the question for the rest of the night.

Do darkspawn let you flee at a fast walk? It is my only thought as we loot the broodmother. How in Theadas she managed to keep money on her person, was not something I wanted to think about…ever.

"Are you alright?" Leliana's timid voice sounded behind me as I walk toward a more secluded area. I needed rest with my leg and we had come so far this day that the exhaustion was plainly written on our faces. I sigh. I really don't want to talk to you. I would rather be back in the ass cloud of the broodmother than talk to you right now.

"I am well, your concern is appreciated." I respond as politely as I can muster all things considered. You really aren't that pretty. Your left eye is higher than your right eye and you purse your lips when you concentrate. You look like a fish when you do that. "We must make camp."

Oghren belched to my left. "Hey…uh…Warden?" I am not in the mood Oghren.

"Yes?" I snapped out at him.

"You…uh…you think you could heal this for me?" He held out his arm which had a nasty gash running down the length of it. I grabbed my pack quickly to grab the bandages inside. He is bleeding rather heavily and it is getting all over my robe. Great. Was I not covered in enough bodily secretions?

I nodded mutely and set to work. "It really stings…er…only a little I mean. What's wrong with it?"

"You have a ripped tendon." Why are you asking me this? I need concentration. Your stupid magic resistance is making this hard.

"Ripped? What do you mean ripped?" What else would I mean? Ripped is ripped!

"As in you have two tendons where one used to be." I can't help but be sarcastic. What do you care? I'm fixing it. I snarl inside my head.

"So, magic huh?" His green eyes are looking at my fingertips, which glow a faint white that turns green as it reaches his skin.

"Yep." Is there a point to this Oghren?

"Will this give me magic powers?" His voice is light with excitement. Are you fading kidding me? I raised an eyebrow at him in disbelief.

"If by magic powers, you mean writhing in agony, then yes." I scoffed. Magic powers? Is that how people think mages happen? Andraste's saggy tits! You are born a mage, or you are not a damn mage! So it is finished and he thanks me with a well placed lewd comment.

Thanks sweet cheeks, I love you too.

I bury myself in the normal routine of setting out my bedroll. I volunteered to take first watch. We have spilt watches into two parts of the night. The stroke of genius behind that was the first couple of nights we were in tunnels. Well in a tunnel there are two points of exit and entry. If you can do basic math, or you have been listening, you would see why two people would be vital. The two sleeping are between the two on guard. The bed rolls are crammed closely together in order to limit the amount of space that needs to be protected.

Sleeping like a rock and sleeping on a rock should never be confused for one another.

I sat in stony silence staring at the corpse of the broodmother. She actually looks better dead. You can't say that about a lot of things, but with her it's true. Then I heard the last harsh whisper of Hespith from above us as she looked at me.

"That's where they come from." Thanks, I needed that explanation, because I clearly do not have eyes. "That's why they hate us... that's why they need us. That's why they take us... that's why they feed us." Why in the name of Maric's rosy ass are you still rhyming? "But the true abomination... is not that it occurred, but that it was allowed. Branka... my love... The Stone has punished me, dream friend. I am dying of something worse than death. Betrayal." Aren't we all? Hey is there room up there for two? Oh…she just leapt to her death…cheery.

How hard would it be to climb up there?

I look down at my robes and realize that I am covered in vomit and blood. Oh what a delicate mage I am. I console myself with the fact that I still smell better than Oghren.

I dug through my pack, trying to keep my gaze for the most part attentive around us. Whoever was on watch with me would be turned the other way and I was not going to last one more minute in this soiled clothing. Now was no time to be modest, if the broodmother could show her bits, then so could I.

Ick. Its cold now and still wet. Gross. I can't even tie my hair back and I pray that hasn't rubbed off. Think nice thoughts. Leliana set a flame. Oh I know how much to value Andraste. You could be just like her!

My robe makes a wet 'plop' at my feet. My small clothes are a bit damp, but that will have to do. Just in case Oghren isn't asleep yet. I grab my spare robe and keep my eyes fixed on the road behind us. There is a gasp and I turn.

….

Oh…um…hello. I should be covering myself, I really should. I just can't think straight as Cullen stares at me in open mouthed shock. Wow this is uncomfortable. No this is mortifying. Wait, I stand corrected, this is _horrifying._ Oh Hurlock nuts! Please say this is a dream. I pinched myself lightly.

Damn.

I cleared my throat. My eyes are up here Cullen. What are _you_ so flushed about? You aren't the one standing here in your small clothes! "Uh…You are supposed to watch that way." I pointed in the opposite direction.

Er…I don't think he heard me because he isn't turning around.

"You're beautiful." He murmured to me. Then his eyes went wide and he whipped around so fast I thought is armor might fly off.

There was that flutter in my stomach again. He thinks I'm beautiful? I blush and turn back to my original looking position. I quickly pull the robe on. It offers little warmth against the chill here in the Deep Roads.

What do I do? I have never had to talk to a…man…like this. There is normally a sense of sarcasm I can grasp onto or a joke or…

"You know." I tilted my head to the side and chuckled nervously. "Now that you've seen me in my smalls, you will have to marry me."

I wince at the ensuing silence. Maybe a joke wasn't the best idea. I should have just said 'Thank you'. Ah. Or I could have said nothing at all and waited for it to fade from our memories in a sea of awkwardness. I could have been a captain!

"Wh-what sort of ring do you want?" His stuttering had returned and I felt like I was back in the Circle. Only it didn't bring good memories. It brought back his unwanted speech of how he didn't like me. I glowered at the broodmother's corpse. Fucking Meghan!

"I've always been partial to silver." I suppose I should be grateful that he can take a joke. It shouldn't sting so much that he doesn't like me in that way. Fade and damnation I am repeating that speech word for word in my head.

"Silver and…not…gold? I can hear the unspoken question. Why? I think that silver is prettier and I have never really liked gold. Also, silver makes me think of the moon and the stars. Corny, I know, but I was about ten when I thought of that and it always just sort of stuck.

"Oh yes." I'm tired of being angry with him. I'm tired of not being the one that anybody wants. GAH! But I am still stuck down here staring at the rotting flesh of a female darkspawn. Suddenly all the things I was angry for, really don't matter. At least I am not _that_ thing. "Silver is much prettier. " I said jovially. "It will also help keep werewolves away."

"Werewolves? There is no such thing as werewolves." I know that, but it keeps you talking to me. It's a desperate bid for your attention, but I will take it.

"Oh. I think there are." I said airily. "But if you want your future wife carried away by werewolves because _you _didn't buy her a silver ring…well…" It feels nice to talk to him for longer than thirty seconds. I feel like my stomach is fighting an ogre.

He actually laughed! At something I said! "I suppose I couldn't let _that_ happen."

I feel my lips twitch and it is hard not to smile. "You _suppose?_" I snorted at him. "Well. Now I demand to be courted first." I shook my head at him. Suppose indeed. I bet when he and Leliana get into a…well when they are together, I will look back on this moment and tell her what he said.

Leliana is the queen of heiferdom. What? She is a stupid, spoiled cow of a woman and I refuse to apologize for it.

"C-Courted?" I hear his armor shift and the light clinking of the metal. I am certain he is looking at me, but I don't look back. I couldn't bare it if he is looking at Leliana.

"Of course." I feel the lead weight of the thoughts of them together. "Every woman wants to be courted." I sigh. You just won't be courting me.

Life blows.

OoOoOo

Branka is insane! I thought that maybe…just maybe the wench would be dead and then I could just bring back her skull as proof. It would seem that the Maker and I are still in a large disagreement. He must have kept her alive, just for me. You couldn't have just gotten me a kitten or something?

Then I think about Dog waiting for me back in Orzammar; if I ever get back there. Well ok…maybe the Maker isn't terrible after all, but there had better be one fade of a reward to deal with the woman who fed her whole house to the darkspawn.

I have to say, she is determined.

It would seem that the traps Caridin, another paragon, set; are giving Branka a large amount of pause. So who gets to go through the tests for her? Why us! Aren't you just excited? I can tell you are.

Now, I have grown half-way fond of Oghren, so to hear his wife tell him he was worthless made me angry on his behalf. Well one woman's trash is another's uh…berserker. Go back to your stones! I'll keep him then.

On hind sight, it is a great thing I picked up that extra bed roll! I did a little happy dance on the balls of my feet. It really is just shifting my legs from side to side and swinging my hips a little.

Oh more darkspawn…how lovely. I feel them before they come at us. The battle is astoundingly easy. It would seem that while I wasn't looking, Cullen learned to be a berserker. Which, while nice for physical attack, makes it damn hard on a healing mage!

They get stronger the closer they are to death. I think you can see the problem here. Let me just say, they were very strong for a prolonged period of time. Assholes! This had better be one fade of an anvil!

We left the ravages of Branka's old camp and pushed forward down a corridor that lead to a room filled with gas. Now it was the same color as a gas that was burned into my memory forever. I thought for a moment that there was another broodmother lurking about.

Phew! Just poison.

Uh…wait.

Golems are moving around us. AHHH! I stumbled back as one fair knocked me across the room. I really need to learn to duck large stone fists. I can dodge a blade with ease, a giant fist the size of my torso? Problem. I yelped as my back made contact with a hard object.

Suddenly it was much easier to breath where I was. Ah ha! I had been thrown into a lever. Hm. If I move the lever, the gas goes away. Eureka! I started madly dashing around the large stone soldiers and pulling levers. I muttered a healing spell every now and then. Stupid berserkers.

The room poured out into another room with large groves on steps and more golems. This doesn't seem right. Leliana calls out that there is a trap. I froze. My eyes dart wildly around. Where? Oh. Under my foot? You don't say.

Yes I want you to disarm the damn thing!

Lovely, more golems attacking us. I think you have an oppressive aunt called the Circle of Magi because you certainly appear to be made out of the same stone. I am going to help reduce you to pebbles. I toss up as many glyphs as seems prudent.

Then we are in a large room with many anvils. Um… is one of these the fabled Anvil of the Void? What is with the freaky face block? It spits out spirits; that want to fight us? You don't say. This world is freaking crazy! Oh…glowing lights appear when they die. What do you do with an anvil? You strike it of course! So I grab my staff and bang the anvil.

'Pop' goes the faces….

It takes a few go-rounds to destroy the giant spirit-summoning creepy faces. Thank goodness that is over. What is with the giant hall filled with lyrium…oh…I like lyrium. Hey look, an anvil!

….Wow…just wow. And people call mages evil? The dwarves were pulling the spirits of people out of their bodies and forcing them into the golems. Caridin is like a 400 year old golem. What is wrong with dwarves? I want to advocate right now that mages are not nearly as insane as this.

Well… maybe blood mages, but they don't count anyway. They use their own blood, not someone else's.

Branka wants to keep the anvil and start producing golems again.

Caridin wants to destroy the anvil so that no harm ever comes from it again.

Really? All of you look at me? Not one of you ventures forward any sort of advice? Curse you all. Especially you Leliana!

"I side with Caridin." I grab my staff because Branka is mouthing off. Oh I am so looking forward to killing you. Er…sorry Oghren.

What is a control rod? Better question…How did you get one? Best question…If you had one why did you wait until now to use it? Damn wench! That is the most illogical piece of garbage I have ever heard. Where were you when we were fighting our way through the trials? You just 'poofed' in here like Zevran would!

Dear Maker I hope Zevran is staying out of trouble.

The paragon Caridin is fighting beside us and I am like a small child in a room full of sweets. I take parts of the raw lyrium growing in outcroppings around the area. Oh sweet baby Andraste! The power, the energy, and the magic! This is better than ale!

Soon Branka lies dead and I notice that it was Oghren that landed the killing blow. Caridin asks me to help him destroy the anvil. Oghren wants to know if he would make Branka a golem. I see nine things wrong with that and I am not even thinking that hard over it.

No.

Caridin forges a crown for the king of my choice and we shatter the anvil. Hey that was a great job- Oh He just jumped off the cliff. Why do dwarves keep doing that?

I started laughing. The four of us had just survived the Deep Roads! Dear Maker! It was impossible to believe. I am a magical goddess! I squeal with excitement. There is a warm bed awaiting me at Orzammar and a hot meal.

Oghren grunts his approval at ending this whole ordeal and I feel bad for him. Your wife was a nutter. Leliana and I smiled at each other, I still don't like you. Cullen was watching me with amusement clear on his face.

I blush. "So…let's go crown a King!" I waved my staff majestically, or as majestically as one can when one's staff is cracked in half. I took a bad hit from one of the golems. Oghren cracks a joke that I broke my wood.

I threw back my head and laughed.


	12. Chapter 12

**Well here we are again my friends!**

**Rated M, I own nothing!**

**Also to those that have reviewed I continue for you guys. Thanks!**

OoOoOo

"The Warden has returned." Oh yes, nothing inspires a bit of an ego boost more than whispers spreading all around the room. I have been burned by this before. I march with my head held high into the middle of the assembly room; my companions by my side. Oh come now lords and ladies, don't be nervous.

"Well Warden?" Yes prince snake in the grass? "What news do you bring?" Hm. News…lets see…I found a perfectly lovely wife for you in the Deep roads. She is just your type.

"I bring a crown forged by Caridin on the Anvil of the void." I'm amazing. I know. One at a time, one at a time, you can all see the crown. You there! Down in front.

"Caridin was trapped in the body of a golem." Oghren…why don't you let the sober adults talk? "This warden" No need to point; I think they can guess which Warden it was. "Granted him the mercy he sought releasing him and destroyed the Anvil of the Void." I wince. You had to throw that in there? I noticed a few furious stares. I inch closer to Alistair and Sten. They will protect me when the violence starts. "Before he died; Caridin forged a crown for Orzammar's next king." See? Right here….oohh shiny. "Chosen by the Ancestor's themselves." Here we go with the ancestor bit. I fight to stop the rolling of my eyes.

"Why should we trust this Warden?" Bhelen sneered at the assembly. I will beat you senseless. How dare you try to impugn my honor Ser! I can already feel my magic hissing in indignation. Hush my pet, we'll get him….

I really should have been a witch of the wilds.

"Silence!" Some dwarf in the middle roared out. Ha! Not so high and mighty now are you Prince Nuglicker? "This crown is of Paragon make." Do people think I just arbitrarily run around with crowns in my bag? I snort. Damn dwarves. I'm a mage not a smith. "It also bears house Ortan's ancient seal." It does? Oh is that what the odd looking symbol was? I thought it was a rune. I need to get out more. "Tell us Warden, who did Caridin choose?"

Then all eyes are on me. I don't think I have ever had someone hanging on my every word. It is a little unnerving. Really unnerving…there are a lot of people in here. My palms are sweating.

"Caridin chose Lord Harrowmont." Gasps ran through the crowd. I hate politics. It really isn't that big of a surprise. I publicly, albeit drunkenly, fought in the man's name. Speaking of which, Zevran owes me some of that coin.

"I appreciate your forthrightness Grey Warden." Actually it is a fear of public speaking, but hey, you're the King now. Where are my troops? "You have acted with grace throughout this entire torturous process." Aww… You are making me blush.

No really, I am blushing.

Ok King Harrowmont you don't have to prance down the step dramatically. Where the fade is that music coming from? Who is playing music? I looked form left to right and I couldn't find anyone. Oh Harrowmont is crowned. Great…so…that aide you promised?

"Let the memories find you worthy, first amidst the lords of houses, the King of Orzammar." I really have to pee so can we get this over with? You'd have my thanks.

"I will not abide by this!" Shocking; who would have guessed Bhelen, the dwarf that had his brothers executed and might have killed his father, wouldn't play by the rules. Simply shocking.

I'm going to stab the little upstart with my broken staff. They said they would stand by my descion because Caridin gave me the crown for the ruler of my choice. And that little conniving prince says that he won't stand for it. I won't stand for you attacking me! I just survived your precious Deep Roads with only three other people mind you, found someone that should have been long dead, and brought back a the deciding factor to save Orzammar from civil unrest.

You bunch of ingrates! The whole lot of you. Hey! Get off of me you heavy bastard! Oh thank you Alistair. I think I bruised a rib.

Thanks for your fighting skills Harrowmont. Yes, Sten, I am being sarcastic. This is such a pain. Are we certain we need an army? We do? Damn.

After what feels like an eternity, we congratulate Harrowmont and Alistair says he hopes it marks a new era for Orzammar. Best of luck and what not…where is the chamber pot?

We left to venture back to the Inn where I had a date with a freshly made bed. It was then that Alistair stopped me.

"Solona..is…is that…?" Alistair why are you staring at my chest? "This." He reached out and grasped the necklace, which is still around my neck...uh…this is uncomfortable. You have your hand on my chest more or less. "This is my mother's amulet!" Your what with the what now? "But why isn't it broken? Where did you find it?" His eyes are rather nice when you are this close to him. What are we talking about? Right, the amulet.

"I found it at Redcliffe castle, in the Arl's study." I wasn't stealing! Not truly anyway…

"Oh, the Arl's study?" Yeah I'm surprised now too. The man made you sleep in a stable for crying out loud. "Then he must have…found the amulet after I threw it at the wall." Well that makes sense. "And he repaired it and kept it?" That seems to be the case. Oh no… he is getting misty eyed. What do I do? I am used to women doing this how does one comfort a man? "I don't understand. Why would he do that?" I have no idea please just don't cry.

"Perhaps you mean more to him than you think?" It was a question, not a statement. However, I don't think Alistair noticed.

"I guess you could be right." Well who really knows. "We never really talked all that much… and then the way I left…" I patted his arm awkwardly. There, there. "Thank you. I mean it. I had thought I had lost this due to my own stupidity." Oh dear Maker. The possible jokes are nearly endless. I shouldn't crack a joke. I can't. "I'll need to talk to him about this if he recovers from this…when he recovers that is. I wish I'd had this a long time ago." This is waaay to sappy for me. I twitch and my knee jiggles to relieve my distress. "Did you remember me mentioning it?" Uh…yes? I smile at him. He is looking at me as if I am the maker of cheese. What? "Wow. I'm used to people not really listening when I go on about things." I'm sorry what? I really need to pay more attention when people are talking to me.

But he is my fellow Grey Warden and a friend. "Of course I remembered." LIAR! "You are special to me." Who else would be my favoritest Grey Warden? After myself, naturally.

"Is this the part where the music plays and we all start dancing?" Sten…dancing? I think I would rather see you dance the Remigold like you promised. "Because I am game! Where are the minstrels?" What a terrible joke!

"Here, let's get this of me so that you can keep it." Also could you move your hand away from my chest? He flushed and cleared his throat.

"Oh-oh Yes of course." His fingers twined around the clasp. I was going to get it off myself, but …thank you? I am blushing because his arms are around me and this is slightly embarrassing.

"Oh ho! What have we here?" Alistair and I jumped slightly. Zevran was leering at us from the door way of the inn. Oh we are still in the street… "Something that involves our young Alistair to stare at you luridly, I see." His tattoo made him look a bit menacing. Uh…what is going on here? "Cullen, My fine Templar friend. It would seem that _I_ was not the one you had to worry about!" He called loudly.

"What in Maker's name are you doing?" Alistair looked alarmed and flushed. Huh? I looked between Alistair and Zevran as Cullen came out of the inn with a confused look on his face. A look that darkened when he saw how close Alistair and I were standing.

Oh wow…this is really awkward.

"Eh? Oh…by my beard the little chantry boy is having a go at the warden. Hic!" My cheeks feel like I have set them on fire. Oh no! No this isn't what it looks like! I swear to you! Stop laughing Wynne! This isn't funny. I want to curl into a ball and die.

"I was just…she…"Alistair trialed off. You are making this look worse you idiot!

"I was just returning one of his mother's possessions!" I wailed in a rather sharp fashion. I pointed to the necklace that was still hanging around my neck. "See! It's his mother's!"

There was a sharp series of gasps and I could have drowned myself in the pool of lava not sixty feet away. "He gave you a necklace that belonged to his mother?" Wynne asked in great surprise. Leliana squealed in delight. Oh no…there is that glazed look in her eyes again. Shit! I narrowed my eyes at her…she was rather close to Cullen. Not that I care about that sort of thing. Just seems rather familiar of her.

"What?" Alistair and I asked in unison. Do these people not listen? Oh Maker…this is the tower all over again. I prayed to Oghren's ancestor's to let lightening materialize out of now where and strike me down.

"This is…a mating ritual amongst your kind?" I feel ill. Damn you Sten! No you Qunari bastard! This is not a damn…mating…ritual. Ok. Ok. Let's just approach this with logic and poise. I'll start by schooling my expression away from its look of extreme surprise.

"Dear Maker No!" Alistair burst out. Why do men keep saying that? Is being in a relationship with me really that bad of a thought? Royal bastard. I hiss at him in my head.

"Such a stroke of luck!" Zevran chimes in. "That means your affections are still free, no?" He grabs comes over and grabs my hand. "Perhaps you have heard about us Antivans?" Well, that certainly is a practiced grin. "You look so tense. Maybe a message would ease those stresses?" He purred at me. In front of everyone? You are going to proposition me in front of everyone? You are a naughty elf and I am about to expire from shame. Maker you sadistic thunderhumper.

My eyes flick over to Cullen at the shadow of movement. Leliana has placed her hand on Cullen's arm and she is smiling at him whispering something I can't hear. That COW! I completely ignored Zevran's rather…unique…request and chose instead to glare daggers at Leliana. Cheap, bardy, wench…who does she think she is just going around _touching_ people.

"You want me to teach you how to be a berserker too?" When had you gotten so close Oghren? I felt my left eye twitch and I couldn't stop it. I glowered at the 'couple' in front of me.

"I don't think that would be wise." I muttered to Oghren. "I might use it." Did I really need two rogues? I mean, that might be over kill. Hadn't we helped brother Barkle or Burkle or something set up a chantry? Leliana could become his first initiate.

Oghren looked at me very somberly for a moment. "I know. That's why I offered." I glanced at him and smiled. I'm glad I decided to keep him. My fingers moved swiftly to the amulet's chain and I handed it to a very upset Alistair. Don't worry, there are plenty of darkspawn to feed them too. Starting with the red head.

Now that is a tale I would actually like to hear.

OoOoOo

We have spent several uncomfortable days in silence. Or at least, I haven't spoken to anyone that was not strictly necessary. Which, it turns out; the only necessary people in the group are Wynne, Dog, Sten, and Morrigan. Yep. Everyone else can just go away.

It's not that I won't speak to Alistair; he won't speak to me. It has been a strained sort of friendship between us. That is ok, I found a few gifts in the Deep roads that might cheer him up. I plan to give them to him later.

I think we are somewhere around the half-way point between Orzammar and Denerim. Need I remind you not to trust that coming from me though, as I still get horridly lost. Sten and Alistair are helping me navigate our way around.

Oghren has yet to stay sober at any point that does not include battle. And even then, I am not 100 percent sure he isn't at least a wee bit tipsy. I have found out that he is also exceedingly selfish as he refuses to share his booze with me. I could use the drink.

I'm not upset at the turn of events. Oh no, not at all. I have hardly noticed that a red haired whore and an idiotic ex-Templar are spending lots of time in each other's company. I have far more important things to give my attention too. Such as the encroaching darkspawn threat or figuring out how we are going to find this brother Genitivi.

I'm certainly not giving any thought to how many times that stupid Grey Warden recruit laughs at the sleazy Orleasian bard. I definitely don't have the energy to count how many times the foreign floozy bats her hideously long eyelashes at said recruit. And there was absolutely no reason that I had time to stare at the ceiling of my tent every night to think.

I most assuredly never think that Leliana must stand for Lunatic erratic lady (who is an) annoying nymphomaniac andrastian. Nope. I never think about that. Never.

I glare across our latest camp. There she is yet again, damn strumpet, playing with her hair while she talks to Cullen. No. He is not Cullen, he is a bigoted Templar, who is…stupid. I huff and stir the pot of stew for the evening meal. I finally was forced to cook because Morrigan told me she 'had enough' things to take care of and cooking was not one of them.

Witch.

It's not that I care. Why should I? He doesn't mean anything to me. It is just a physical attraction. Meaningless! I started dishing out the stew.

"That is a lot of force to use on our supper. What did the poor stew do to you?" Wynne you know I adore you... Back. Off. I swore under my breath and handed over a bowl filled with the steaming contents.

Wynne seemed to take the hint that I didn't want to talk, but she squeezed my shoulder and offered to listen should I require an ear. What I _require_ is ten minutes alone with Leliana in a room with a bucket and a mop.

Damn. I spilled some of the stew on me and I hissed at the burning contact. I stuck my injured finger in my mouth and sucked on it to clean it and relieve some of the pain. This is all _his_ fault. Once my finger was mostly alright, I went back to dishing out the evening meal. I wondered, only slightly, if I could get away with over-turning Leliana's.

The only problem would be she might need to be healed and I wouldn't be able to refuse. I bite my lip and try to search for something positive to say about her…hm…

Well I now know at least 16 synonyms for whore. Although she didn't teach them to me, I more or less learned them because of her. One of my favorites is lady of the evening. I don't use it in conjunction with her because harlot, bawd, hooker, hussy, jade, loose woman, scarlet, slut, strumpet, tart, trollop, vamp, whore and prostitute all have a much catchier rings to them.

I wasn't even aware that I had snapped the spoon until Morrigan said something. I numbly looked up at her and then to the spoon. Oh. Well it is because I am clumsy and not because Cullen just put his hand on her shoulder. It has nothing to do with that…

"You are a fool." Way to comfort someone Morrigan. Not that I need comforting or anything.

"So I have been told." I sagely replied. No point in denying it. Stupid hormones making me think that Cullen…That I…Stupid hormones!

"Even Alistair is not as much of a fool as you." Wow. Way to hit below the belt Morrigan. Just when we were getting along so well.

"See. Now that is just mean." I looked up at her. "What did you need?"

" 'Tis not what _I_ need." …This isn't one of those 'I have a friend' speeches is it? I really don't have time for this. " 'Tis what you need. If you continue to fawn over that _Templar_ so, I will be ill." I cringe. I don't fawn over him. Do I? Is this fawning?

"I don't know what you are talking about." I blush and snarl at her. Her expression becomes maddeningly amused. Curse you!

"Indeed." I hate how she can arch her eyebrow up so damn high. I couldn't do that if I try, and I have tried, trust me. "Then it is my imagination then that you are trying to bore holes into the bard's head?" I scoff. Bore holes? What silliness. I want to stab her in the face, there is a great difference.

"What? That is preposterous…we just don't get along very well. We have…different personalities that's all." Andraste's knees! Why do you care? I have never liked Leliana. In fact I could site at least four times that I told you I don't like her that much anyway.

"Truly?" Stop smirking. Stop it! I hate you. "Then I must have been mistaken. You are not jealous of Leliana then?"

…

I really hate you.

"Ah. Your silence is all the answer I require." Jealous? Where did she come up with that? Crazy witch of the wilds. Me? Jealous? Of Leliana? HA! Double 'HA', I say! What in the name of the Circle did I have to be jealous about? Yet, as I gaze across camp one more time, I know why I am jealous.

She's still a harlot, though, oh no that will never change.

OoOoOo

Denerim is…loud. Denerim is smelly. Denerim is full of fading PROBLEMS! Everywhere I turn it's 'Warden' this and 'Help us Warden' that. Holy bat wings! How have these people survived without someone holding their damn hands every five seconds.

Oh and Alistair's sister? You remember, the one from the fade? Turns out she looks exactly like how he imagined she would. Weird right? It's almost like he knew. He had her attitude wrong though she is a major bitch; Just huge! I feel terrible for the man. All he wanted was a family. Quick side note…It seems that everyone in this whole group is looking for family. I mean count us off…Orphan, orphan, brethren all slaughtered; emotionally repressed and looking for love; crazy hooker who tortured mercilessly and lost her love; looking for a place to belong, lost a son, and searching for meaning. Wow we are a mass of weapons, power, and stunted feelings. Awesome.

Anyway, back to Alistair's sister Goldanna. Bitch! Allow me to sum it up in the following sentence. Who needs an archdemon when you have family like that? Thinking on it any longer will cause me to go back there and kill her. Five kids or not.

I haven't even had the chance to get lost in this market place. I don't doubt it would be even easier than Orzammar to become separated from the others. I haven't had the chance because Cullen is acting like my shadow. That's fine. I can pretend he isn't there easily. Or I could if he would stop throwing worried glances to Leliana.

Damn bawdy bard!

I'm never taking her with me again. I swear it. I will take Zevran. I don't care how often I have to remove his wandering hands. I will put up with it. Oh kind and generous fade spirits; grant me the strength now to march over there and slap her around.

I moved quickly away from the larger section of the group as we broke apart to accomplish a sweep of the city for brother Genitivi. I was not trying to lose Cullen! Why would you think that?

I was exploring…quickly…and far away from him. I am not running exactly, I prefer to look at it as skipping without ever jumping. I dashed around the corner of an alley where there was a seedy looking tavern, a few homes, and a shop! Excellent.

'The Wonders of Theadas' hm. That sounds…

"And here I was hoping the Wonder's of Theadas would be a whore house…pity." I yelped and whirled around to find a smirking Zevran. Eep! How did he find me?

"Uh…I was just…looking." I blurt out before I can stop myself. Great. Now it doesn't look like I am doing anything suspicious at all.

"Hm? What are you looking for? Dirty poetry perhaps?" I laugh. Only Zevran could think such things of me. Or he found that rather explicit tome in my pack. Huh. He had better not be going through my things. "Let me save you some time, yes? I know just the one for you lovely Warden." I smile a lop-sided grin just for him.

"You do?" I nearly blush at his serious expression.

"Indeed. The symphony I see in thee" Oh that is a rather intense look. "It whispers songs to me" Songs? I look around and there is no one else down this alley with us. "Songs of hot breath upon my neck" He has circled behind me to say this and I can't help but shiver. OH MY. I think he is trying to seduce me in earnest. "Songs of sighs beside my head" I flush. Is it hot out here? "Songs of nails dug in my back" Oh wow. The mental imagery is staggering. I am not exactly uncomfortable, but I feel very…interested. "Songs of thee come to my bed."

Uh…it has suddenly become rather hard to swallow. My eyes dart to the door front and to Zevran. Fleeing sounds like an excellent option really. Maybe I could just turn him down gently and then this could all…

He's kissing me! Oh no! What do I do? Am I supposed to tilt my head? What if my breath is bad? This feels different than I thought it would. Kissing is very nice, I think except that when he exhales it tickles the skin under my nose.

The rational part of my brain screams to push him away. And I want to, don't get me wrong. I have feelings for someone else. Well, not _deep_ feelings per say. But not shallow feelings either. I am just plain confused.

Had my first kiss though! That's a plus.

When he removed his lips from mine I realized that at some point I had closed my eyes. I opened them to see his roguish grin. I'm supposed to say something aren't I?

"Um…how…nice…of you." I watched a sour expression flash across his face and I walked into the store. I check to make sure he has not followed me. Which, to my surprise, he hasn't and I touch my fingers to my lips.

I giggle at the giddy feeling in my chest. I just got kissed. That is pretty nice. I'm blushing and fidgeting. Part of me feels very wrong for letting Zevran kiss me. It's a part of my mind that I am trying to squash with logic. I didn't betray Cullen because we are not together. Cullen doesn't feel the same way about me as I feel about him.

Which is well…I think I actually am in love with him. Fade take it all. I am in love with an ex-Templar who is soon to be a Grey Warden. Who, oh by the way, is chasing after someone else. Yep. Welcome to the life of Solona Amell; now go away.

Love is stupid.

I tell myself that for a few hours. I repeat it in my head like a mantra. I haven't seen Zevran again, and I feel I owe him an apology. I'm sure he is upset over the way I responded to his…uh…courting. I think advances might be a better word for it. It sounds nicer than Oghren's term of 'Buttering up the Bronto'. Don't ask.

Right now I am wandering listlessly all around the market. I pick up an item or two and set it back down. Some things look pretty, or unique. Others just look out of place and questionable. For instance, the man in the tan tunic giving me odd looks and head tilts. Uh…no creepy man; I am not coming closer to you.

"My dear Warden!" I wince. Damn. "There you are! I have been looking all over for you." I try to keep the pained expression off of my face. "I found a collar for schmooples! You simply must see it." Schmooples? Oh right…her nug. The nug I got for her…before she started flinging herself at Cullen.

Hooker.

"Oh where you?" Shut up and die! "I'm so sorry." No, I'm not. "I didn't mean to worry you." I'd kill you if there weren't witnesses. "Did you need me for something?" If not, why in the fade are you talking to me? "Have you found Brother Genitivi?" I loathe you.

"Sadly no." Yeah go ahead and pout, you still look like a fish. You with your Orlesian accent and boobs ready to fall out of your armor. Ugh. "We all sort of wandered away from each other. Please don't worry we made sure to emphasize" I bet there are a lot of things you are willing to emphasize… "Not to get in trouble with the guards and to lay low."

"That is good." I want to scratch your eyes out. Oh that gives me something to genuinely smile about. Mmh.

"Indeed…I was wondering if I might ask you a question?" I blink at her. Somewhere in between my murderous thoughts and my thoughts of disfiguring her beyond recognition, I realize she is talking to me still.

"Go ahead." So help me though, if you ask what is under my robe too…

"You and Cullen…" what? You can't have him! He's mine! …uh…wow…where did that come from?

"Cullen and I what?" Don't sound angry, and don't narrow your eyes Solona, or she will never finish the question.

"You are…fond of him, yes?" I know I am blushing. I know it. Who does this tart think she is talking to?

"Why do you ask?" I bet I could 'fail' to heal her one of these times she gets injured. I doubt anyone would question me at all. The Maker might even bless me for it.

"I just…you do…don't you? Maker forgive me, but you are not just playing with him are you?" What? What are you talking about? _I'm _playing with _him?_ Excuse me harlot queen, but aren't you the one trying to weave your slut magic?

"Playing with him? I would never play with him." I hiss at her because I am angry and embarrassed. How many people know? Does everyone know I care for him? Damn it all!

"Oh." Relief washes over her features. "That is good news. I can see how much he cares for you."

I start coughing. What? Cares for me? You are insane. You are the only one he even talks to really anyway. "Is this a joke? Do you find this funny?" Stupid tears. Stupid tear ducts that produce tears.

"What? No…I….surely you see the way he looks at you?" Wait. She is genuinely confused. Now so am I.

"Looks at me? He looks at me like I'm a scary mage he has to watch out for." I clear my throat. Stupid tears. "You are the one he spends all his time with." Oh way to go…that didn't sound bitter at all! Don't you look at me with pity! You …you...tramp!

"You thought….He and I…" Thought? No, I know he likes you. I knew him first curse you! Why are you laughing? Now that is just plain rude! "Forgive me." Not likely. "Solona…there is nothing going on between Cullen and I."

Eh?

"There's not?" I look at her dubiously. She smiles and shakes her head.

"Is that why you have been so angry with me lately?" No! …Yes…I sigh. Life is complicated.

I muttered something. And Leliana keeps laughing at me. Ok, I get it. You can stop that now. Bards.

"The man looks at you like he is receiving a blessing from the revered mother herself!" That's good right? This isn't a thinly veiled insult is it?

"He..does?" My heart is beating oddly again. I can feel that tiny speck of hope that I thought was gone, bubbling to the surface.

"I forget that you have no experience in these things." She places a hand on my shoulder. So what? Some of us don't just run into a romance all wily-nily. "Talk to him." She urged me gently "He is worried you might be falling for someone else." Where did he get that ridiculous idea? I swear some people can just be so oblivious. "Come. We will find him together."

I am a walking mass of happiness and trepidation. What should I say? How do you go about starting a relationship? I smile up at Leliana. I was kind of her to come and talk to me about this. You know; I have always liked her.


	13. Chapter 13

**Thanks to all that have read and reviewed. Hope you enjoy this next installment.**

**I own nothing, rated M.**

**Going to lament here really quickly…Zevran…is hard character to phrase. OMG man OMG.**

OoOoOo

I had started out excited to find Cullen. Then excitement had quickly been replaced by fear. What was I going to say to the man? What did a woman say when she just found out you like her and she likes you? I lived in the Circle, my friends, the Circle is known for wild hot sweaty sex sessions. Not relationships. Now if I was supposed to take him into some dark corners of the library and 'when in Tevinter' him…well actually I don't know how to do that, but I have an interesting idea on how it works.

And I think I saw a diagram once…

Well, it would seem that fleeing from a rouge is a hard thing to do. A very hard thing to do. I don't think I gave Leliana enough credit. She is a damn fine rogue. Too good in fact. I glared at her as her hand clamped down on my arm for the fifth time. Curse her! She is impossible to lose. Impossible I say!

I started to whine with her. I pleaded with her to let me go. I have changed my mind. You must have misunderstood him! He doesn't like me. Let me go you iron-gripped wench! You cannot hold me. I fought against her as hard as I could. Apparently, she can, in fact hold me. Damn.

Then we spotted Cullen over by the Chantry. Of course he would be by the damn Chantry! I dug my heels in the ground and grooves appeared under the weight of my body, and still somehow the bard dragged me forward. I can't tell you the weight of the panic rising in my chest.

This is worse than the joining!

"She's about this tall, wearing a blue robe." Cullen was speaking to the two Templars in front of a closed door to the Chantry.

"Haven't seen her." The younger Templar said.

"Are you sure? She has brown hair and blue eyes. She has a silver staff with her." Oh come on! I have only been gone for a few hours. You haven't heard about a drunken mage fighting in the streets, have you? No you haven't. I have stayed out of trouble. Does no one trust me?

Don't answer that.

"Is that her?" The unknown Templar pointed at me. You little shit! Leave me out of this! Leliana let me go. Quickly! But she didn't. Curse you Bard.

I thought that I was simply the most unlucky woman in the whole world, until I saw the flash of relieved happiness that crossed over his face. Oh…my heart just skipped a beat. My stars he is handsome…and coming toward me.

Ok I have to remember to breathe. You have talked to Cullen before. Nothing has changed. Except that my heart is trying to beat its way out of my chest and I can't look him in the eyes. I think I'm dizzy.

"I thought you were told not to wander off." I can hear the frown in his voice. I say hear because I have suddenly found my shoes extremely interesting. Is that a new scuff mark? Huh.

Ow! There is no need to elbow me in the side wench! "Sorry." I mumbled and tugged nervously at my robe. Do I have to do this?

"Are you alright?" What? No. I am not alright. I feel more nervous than I did at Ostagar. Maker's dainty toes! Why is this so hard. It's just..just…oh fade! It's complicated ok!

"Oh she is fine. Would you mind if I left her with you, hm? I think I see some shoes that would look just darling on me."That wasn't completely obvious… Don't leave me! What's with that look? Do not leave me alone with him! I never liked you Leliana! I'm wailing in my head and my heart is thumping painfully.

"Of course I will. What was that about? Did something happen?" His voice is low and oh so husky. Dear maker…I'm blushing. Oh no. I'm blushing. Dear Maker. Say something Amell! Say anthing!

"Happen? NO! I…uh…you look nice." Foot, mouth. Mouth, foot. So glad I could introduce you today. You have so much in common! Look at that pebble. That is a very pretty color for a pebble. Is that a blue or a gray I wonder?

"L-Look nice? " At the incredulous note in his voice, I brought my gaze up enough to look at his body. Not in the naughty way! Get your head out of the gutter. His armor was dented in several places and there was dust or grime covering most of it. Ok maybe nice was not the word I was looking for. "Are you…unwell?" He slipped his hand underneath my chin and I almost swooned at the contact.

Maker what is wrong with me? I am nearly as bad as those silly chantry initiates at the tower. Ouch..uh…_used_ to be at the tower. I kept my gaze downward. Don't look up. I will do something foolish if I look up.

I can feel it.

"No, I am fine…uh…thank you." I shouldn't be wondering about what his lips might feel like instead of Zevran's. I shouldn't. I bet his beard tickles. I would be willing to guess that his lips are firmer, where Zevran's were soft.

"Solona?" His voice is coming out strangled. He is so close that I can feel the warmth coming off of him. I'm having some very naughty mage thoughts.

I bet he tastes sweet. Well maybe not sweet, but not bad. Would an open mouthed kiss from him make my heart beat faster or slower? Erika once said that time slowed down when you were in love. I don't know if that is true. For me, time just seems to speed up. I suppose that it does seem to stop when I am with him. Does that mean it balances out?

"S-Solona?" His urgent tone caught my attention. But just for a moment.

"Hm?" I lick my lips absent mindedly. What would it feel like if Cullen kissed me?

"Wh..why are you staring at my lips?" I froze. I was staring wasn't I? Crap…oh crap…I..uh...

"Uh…" They will be calling me the mage with the sultry wit after this debacle. I can hear the individual beats of my heart. Why am I so nervous?

Don't look up. Don't look up. Don't look up. Don't look up.

"You look nice too." My eyes snapped to him. Why does he have to be so sweet? Dear Maker…I looked up.

Now, in my defense, I already knew I was going to do something _incredibly_ foolish. I am talking about foolishness of epic proportions. Leliana could easily write a tale about this. I didn't want to look up for this exact reason. I'm not sure how my lips met his.

Really, I'm not. One minute it was staring into the enticing amber eyes and the next…it was me on tippy toes grabbing his armor to bend him to me. I think I might have moaned. I say that because there was some sort of noise at the contact.

I was right. His beard did tickle just a little bit. But his lips were dry and a little rough. I think they might have been cracked. My heart stopped and then dropped to the bottom of my stomach when I realized what I had done.

It was worth it.

I stared at him with wide eyes as I stepped back. My hands are shaking. What did I just do?

I watch as his face flushes, and his eyes get an odd gleam to them. They look similar to when he was trapped in the cage. I'm slightly apprehensive because they look so…feral. I lick my lips again. I am slightly disappointed that I don't taste anything. If he doesn't cut me down where I stand, maybe I will get to find out?

Oh this is very awkward. He starts sputtering and I start stammering out an apology that never quite makes it. It is then I notice a very horrifying thing. In the dirt and grime of his armor, is a mage-sized smudge. Oh no.

I looked down to my own, once clean, robes and see the missing filth all over me. Son of a bitch. Everyone is going to know. Then like a cold wave of water I remember that I also was kissed by Zevran today.

Well, aren't I just turning into a proper hussy?

Ok. He hasn't exploded into a fit of berserker rage. He also doesn't appear to breathing. That's…a bad sign. Was the kiss that bad? Oh bloody fade! I killed him.

I tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear and I stole a glance at him. He is opening and closing his mouth a few times. His cheeks are as red as I am sure mine are. He is staring at me. I felt my heart clench painfully. He is just staring and turning redder and redder.

That's a bad sign isn't it? Stupid Leliana! So here I am stuck stuttering out random sounds. Great. Just freaking great.

"You know, I have heard stories about your Circle of the Magi, my dear Wynne." Even better! Now here comes Zevran. Speak of the Crows and they shall appear. I touch my fingertips to my bottom lip. I look up at Cullen. He is still staring at me. Hopefully they won't notice.

"Is that so." No Wynne, don't encourage him. I look back at the rather noticeable imprint on Cullen's armor. On second thought, encourage him.

"There is a Circle in my country, of course, but perhaps things are different here." My lips are tingling. It was definitely different from Zevran's kiss. I blink because my eyes feel suddenly dry. The two of them are coming into view behind Cullen. I make a move to step around him. "I visited the Antivan Circle on official Crow business, once. Met a beautiful young apprentice who was very eager for a taste of the outside world..." I'm eager for a taste of something. Wow that was dirty.

I am lost in my own thoughts when his hand reaches out and grabs my arm. I look up at him again slowly.

"Please! Please, get to the point." It's almost like Wynne read my thoughts exactly. I'm just speaking on a different subject.

"All I wonder is whether the templars guard the mages here as closely as they do in Antiva." I flush and Cullen is suddenly smiling at me. Oh, guarding me isn't what I had in mind. Ack! I am turning into Zevran and Oghren! I giggled at my own perverseness. "In Antiva, the templars watch the Circle like a jealous husband guarding the chastity of a wanton bride." This brings back a fond memory of Cullen and I talking in the Deep roads. I think he remembers it too. Cullen swallows rather loudly and I giggled. This is just getting bad.

Zevran said chastity. I know, miracles do occur.

"Interesting metaphor, but yes, it is not too different in Ferelden." I lifted a brow in question to Cullen. I don't think he's paying attention to them anymore. He is doing a superb job of copying me. He is staring at my lips.

…it's hot out here. Don't you think it's hot out here?

"And is it also true that when the moon swells to fullness, the mages of the Circle gather at the top floor of their tower and, naked under the stars, make love to each other?" I coughed at his statement. Also to let Cullen know they were right next to us. He's very cute with his eyes glazed over like that. Ex-Templars get dirty thoughts too? Who knew?

"What? No! Maker's breath..." I am repulsed with her. There are many of my fellow mages that I have never wanted to see naked. An even greater number of mages that I would never let touch me. I'm sure Wynne feels the same.

"Oh. I found out recently that it was not true in Antiva and hoped that it would be in Ferelden. Alas." I smother a laugh and try to shift myself closer to Cullen in the attempt to cover the evidence of my boldness.

"Don't let her fool you Zevran." I slyly cut in. "It's not when the moon swells. It's when it wanes. That way, in complete darkness the senses are heightened." I winked at him.

Wynne growled that I was just as bad as Zevran. I thanked her. It didn't go over well. She tried to jab at me with her staff. I yelped and jumped away from the man that I was using as a shield from their vision.

"Maker! What have you gotten into child?" Wynne's question had reality come crashing back down around my ears.

Zevran looked from my robe to Cullen's armor. His face looked upset for a moment and then melted into a mischievous smirk. "I think the better question is who has she gotten _onto_?" He winked at me and I am sure I rivaled a tomato. Oh no. I don't like the smile Wynne is sporting. I looked up at who I was sure would be my executioner.

I said the only thing that came to mind. "This is _exactly_ what it looks like."

OoOoOo

We finally found the home of brother Genitivi, whom by the way, was not at home. I am a terrible rogue. I wanted to go exploring without being noticed by his assistant Weylon. However, being that you are intelligent, I am sure you caught the part where I said I am a terrible rogue.

Yeah…I got caught.

Good news though! It wasn't really his assistant that we killed; he was already dead! Er…well that is sort of good news, for me anyway. Also, because I had to check and make sure that the imposter didn't harm anything else; my rummaging through Genitivi's home was stealing. It was looking for 'clues'.

One of those clues might have happened to be in the form of valuables that I could alter sell at the market. What? I said 'might'.

One of the letters I found in his home though, points to a small village called 'Haven'. Well it sounds safe enough. I mean with a name like 'Haven' it can't be that bad right?

However, his notes say that this village is on the other side of Fereldan, just a ways past Redcliffe. I am running all over this damn country for the most asinine reasons. What the fade is this? It the maker's great plan an elaborate scheme to give me a nice ass from all the walking? No need, my hindquarters are nice already. Thank you.

I can tell you it must be very nice because Wynne has not stopped teasing Cullen for watching my 'swaying hips'. I'm trying not to read too much into the fact that she has been watching Cullen watch me for the last several hours. Old people must have nothing better to do.

"You seem particularly pleased today." Wynne, I hate you.

"M-me? Oh. Um…yes, I suppose I am." I nearly tripped on my robe when Cullen's voice was the one that answered her. This is going downhill very swiftly.

"I can see why. My, my, out of the Circle you are a different person Cullen." The goading tone. Not the goading tone! It's a trap!

"What? What do you mean?" Oh…you are not going to make it. I'm sorry Cullen. Your sacrifice shall not be forgotten.

"You were watching her. With great interest, I might add. In fact, I believe you were...enraptured." This is so irksome. We are not even out of Denerim yet and the nosy mage cannot even hold herself back! Ugh!

"W-what? No, I was simply checking for possible threats. You know, further down the road?" Huh. You are a worse liar than I am. I didn't even know one existed, yet here you are.

"Oh, I see. So what 'possible threats' did you find in those swaying hips hmm?" I smirk. He was ogling me? Normally that would be offensive, right now and because it is Cullen, it is just plain flattering. I think I am having a preening moment.

"Hips?" Well, I can tell you that Cullen was never meant to sing soprano. That was an impressive half-screech. Ha ha. My hips make him scream. Down mage! Bad mage! I think I'm sexually repressed. "It wasn't…I didn't…it's not what you think."

"Certainly." I can practically hear the head nod. Wynne, you master of evil old ladydom.

"She has my deepest respect. I would never think of her in a way that was…improper." His armor is clanking heavily. I look back to see him waving his arms in front of him in a defensive gesture. Sure…that'll stop her.

"Of course." Ow. I think that is Wynne two points and Cullen zero. I hope I wasn't supposed to be keeping score all this time. Damn. I am going to have to start writing this down.

"You enjoyed that didn't you? He sounds rattled and suspicious. Oh you can bet your templar training that she did. I'll tell you a secret. I enjoyed it too.

"Very much so." I'm not one to say I told you so…no wait…I'm precisely the kind of person that would say that. I told you so.

I didn't trip her. Stop giving me a nasty look Alistair. Just because you took her on as a replacement mother does not mean the rest of us did. I may not be able to see you, but I can still tell you are glaring back there.

We approached the gates of Denerim to leave and begin our way to Haven. I thought we might try to loop south. There is a chance we might come across the Dalish on our way to Haven. The hardest part should just be finding them. Or making sure they don't kill us before we show them the treaties.

A simple in and out ordeal really.

OoOoOo

I give up. I don't care. I am going to throw down my staff right now and let the blight kill us all. I have saved a village from undead. I have cleared a circle from abominations. I have saved a young boy's life. I have done countless other good deeds. But Maker you had better understand when I tell you…

I am not listening to one more conversation between Oghren and Sten. Not a single fading one! Whatever monstrosity of nature allowed Zevran to teach Oghren his sexually-based puns, needs to die. Right now.

I don't care how it started. I don't even want to know. But kicker weasels! It is going to stop. If I hear so much as one more innuendo I am going to 'forcibly remove my brain from my ears' as Wynne is fond of saying.

Oghren said something about a 'purloined' pike and I lost it.

"Will you two cease and desist!" I shouted. I was so close to committing party homicide it might have been comical. If you aren't me.

There was a moment of absolute silence until Zevran snickered "She's just upset she wasn't able to 'purloin' Cullen's sword."

I'm going to kill him. Now, I had to chase him down to try and magic the knave. So there I am running through the forest on a red-eyed mission of destruction, chasing after an elf.

Guess who we ran into just shortly after this started?

The Dalish. They are not fond of us 'shems' to begin with. Try having them see you chasing after a fellow elf screaming curses and threats of decapitation. Yeah, it rocked.

It went somewhere along the lines of the tips of arrows staring me straight in the face. Even Zevran was startled as they told me that I would not live for my crimes against their fellow elf, and that Zevran was free to flee.

Fade me. If I survive this, I am going to castrate Zevran.

A bow twanged as it was cocked to let it's deadly arrow fly. As if the world had slowed, I saw the arrow coming right for me.

So castrating Zevran.


	14. Chapter 14

**Thank you so much for the reviews and for reading! **

**A special thanks to Almostinsane, Dharja, Eva Galana and anyone else who has made multiple reviews.**

**You're making me blush and what not.**

**Rated M for mild sexual content…yeah yeah keep your pants on :P**

**I own nothing.**

OoOoOo

There was a moment of panic, I admit that. There was a moment of how will I doge this? What am I going to do? Then I remembered I'm a mage. Yeah. I am that awesome, or at least my arcane shield spell is. I scoffed at hunter as the arrow bounced off the barrier of my magic and fell useless at my feet.

Dumbass.

I glower at the hunter with the premature firing problem. Zevran looks near furious. I have never seen Zevran angry. It's pretty impressive actually. I hear a few shouts of alarm. Some from the Dalish, and some from two very irate templars.

Hi guys.

"Why do you stand there?" One of the hunters shouted at Zevran. "We will protect you friend. Get out of the way of those _shems_. They are like vermin. They cannot be trusted." Oh goody. A shot-happy Dalish elf that is going to hate me because I am a mage _and_ a human. I can barely contain my excitement.

"Protect me? Ah, no. You are confused I see. That is alright. Allow me to 'clear the air' if I may." Ok, either pour on all of the charm or be quiet. I am going to mage-rage on these bastards. "My dear friend here is a Grey Warden."

"I thought the Grey Warden's viewed all as equal." Yeah keep sneering at me jackass. Let's see how well you can do that when I snatch you bald-headed. "It would seem the ranks have been poisoned. " You …you…you….When I think of something caustic enough as a retort you will know!

"The Grey Warden's do treat all as equals." You tell them Alistair.

"Indeed, it is true. The dear lady Warden and I were just having a _lover's_ spat." What did you just say? No one would believe such a bold-faced lie!

…except the Dalish. Zevran, you really must tell me how it is that you do that. I can still hear the mutterings of 'vermin' and 'damn shems', but that is better than being shot at. Oh and don't think I have forgotten about you, elf who shot at me. Oh no, I haven't forgotten.

"You and this Warden are…bonded?" I assume that is the leader speaking, or someone that really has a lot to say.

Bonded? Like a friendship bond?

"Alas, sadly, not yet. But if I have it my way…" Why are you winking at me? I sigh. That means this is something sexual. At least I can count on Zevran to let me known almost every instance for which I will need to harm him later. Cullen is clearly not amused. Oddly enough, I am.

"How do we know you are speaking the truth?" Well, the Grey Warden part is the truth. It's not like there are so many in our ranks that we can just hide amongst the real ones. Damn temperamental Dalish.

I am irritated almost beyond even what I can comprehend. Perhaps taunting the Dalish was not the wisest move I have ever made. Yes, I am well aware how often I got after others for the same infraction, but I craned my head around and looked back at the leader.

"Are a lot of people claiming to be Grey Wardens?" I can just see us all tromping through the trees. Everybody wants to be a Grey Warden! Assholes.

"Hm. I suppose you are right." You think so? "Very well, I will take you to meet our Keeper. But do not forget that there are arrows trained on you at all times." Ohh I am so afraid. What are you going to do? You think you are scarier than the Blight? Don't waste my damn time.

Yes, I'm pissed.

OoOoOo

Cullen is going to slaughter Zevran. I simply cannot allow that, because well, I get to slaughter Zevran. I chose to bring him, I get to kill him. Me! I don't care if he told all the Dalish that he and I are lovers. You and I both know that isn't true. What does is matter?

Speaking of the Dalish…

I don't think I trust Zathrian. Something about a jackass that says "Manners? From a shemlen? Interesting." You can see why I like him so very much. Keeper Jackass, that sounds much nicer.

I really shouldn't be fazed; I grew up in the tower after all. I should be used to the whispers and dirty looks pointed in my direction. It's just aggravating because it is _more_ blatant than the tower. It makes it really hard to be friendly with them.

Especially with everyone telling me how they have every right to hate humans. Oh cry me a maker-be-damned river. Try being imprisoned your whole life. Waaa…we don't have a homeland. I don't even get to have a damn family and most of my friends are dead. I win.

Try being the most cursed mage in all of Theadas. You wouldn't last a single day. Keeper or not you would all be dead.

No Zevran….no I don't want to help the depressed male elf. I'm serious I don't want to help him.

"Ho there my friend! What is the cause of such…sadness?" I'll strangle you. I don't need strength, I just need leverage.

I'm not helping some guy get laid. I am not doing it. I don't care if it is in the sake of 'forever'. I'm not getting in the middle of this…

DAMN IT! He is so pathetically cute. My only weakness, grown men being adorably shy. Maker I hate you. I can't believe I am agreeing to patch things up between some random man and his love. I really have gotten soft. I grumble and shuffle my way over to his red-haired temptress. Ugh! Why can't men just tell you how they feel?

Yes, Cullen, I am looking at you. It has been how many days since I kissed you? What have you done? Nothing! Not one blasted thing. You have just walked around smiling. I have purposefully kept myself out long past my watch in the hopes that you would do _something._

I'm starting to get just a tad desperate. I'm not a 'rush into things' type of girl normally. I admit that I have never done anything like this before. I freely admit that, so why in the name of all that is magic, is it taking Cullen so damn long to be amazed by my charms? I've got precious little time left, possibly. So, that means we should be getting down to the steamy bits already! Is it too much to ask that I do not die a virgin? Really?

Cullen, you are so lucky you are handsome, sweet, and adorably awkward. Just like the blasted elf Cammen that I am doing this for. This red-haired female hunter Ghyena seems all too glad to confide in me. It would seem the man hasn't killed a wolf or a boar in the proper Dalish way. Therefore he is not a hunter, and she cannot marry him. I know, the Dalish are a strange people. I don't know how I convinced her; I really just said some half-cocked nonsense about love. It would seem that it was the right thing to say. Hooray for me.

It's irritating to watch another couple get to kiss. It would seem that no matter how many times I sneak glances at Cullen, he just doesn't seem to get it.

What is wrong with Templars? Or um…ex-templars.

Disgruntled and very, very, very frustrated, I set off in search of some alone time while the others tried not to make the Dalish hate us anymore. If that is physically possible, I am sure my group could accomplish the task. Oh, you know what I am talking about.

I briskly walk past an open campfire on my way to a secluded out cropping of bushes. The words I hear started out innocently.

"Sarel! Tell us!" Oh the whine of small children…nope, never missed that. The tower was enough to make one pull their own hair out. It was normally when the newest magelings were brought in.

"Why should I?" The answer came from an older elf with brown hair. Well, he sounded like Wynne on a bad day. You don't bother her on those days. They still were cleaning off the last apprentice off the rafters even before the fall of the Tower.

"You promised! Please!" I slowed down, now I am curious. Like the Tower's mouser, curiosity doesn't end well for me.

"Hm…I suppose I did." No! Don't give in! They will eat you alive.

"Serranas!" Why are these children spouting off random colors? I do not understand the Dalish.

"In the Land of the Shems they have a tale… Not too long ago; no more than a year at most, there was a female mage." Why am I already having a sense of dread? Easy Solona, these are the Dalish. They couldn't possibly…"She lived in a large tower. The shems keep their mages all lumped together. The shems and our lost kin are all kept behind the walls of this enormous structure."

"Why do they do that?" Little boy, run. Run far away from here, before I explode everything.

"Magic exists to serve man and never to rule over him." Alistair you fading moron. They hate us already don't interrupt. I am not saving you from an arrow in the ass. I might point and laugh though. It's decided. I will point and laugh.

"I was not aware the child had asked you a question." Hey! Leave my fellow Warden alone. I will come over there to destroy you. Or, I could hide behind this random smattering of bushes.

Choices.

"So sorry, didn't realize that this was an invitation only event." Now that my dears is sarcasm. Oh how it acts like a salve upon my wounded pride.

"As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted." One tiny little murder wouldn't change their opinions of us right? Just the one, I swear. "The young mage lived in the tower they call 'The Circle.' She was taught to use her magic in ways befitting one of her status. Now, in that same Circle there are men that guard the mages. Some say, they guard the mages from themselves."

"Why must mages be guarded?" Because we have been known on occasion to have a nasty habit of of turning a bit demonic and then thirsting for blood. But we are great fun at parties.

"Like a small river poses no harm, young one, it may change into something violent when the rain pours hard upon the land." What the fade was that? That wasn't an answer to the damn question! Who in their right mind speaks in riddles when you are asked a simple fading question? We can be dangerous. There. Four itty-bitty words, and it is explained in completion. Long-winded Dalish arse. "The men that guard the mages are called Templars."

"Like the outsiders here in the camp?" Oh sure, they have no idea about the Circle, but mention a man in a shiny suit of armor and suddenly you have a child's undivided attention. It just never ends. I hate you Maker. You already know how much, but I still hate you more.

"Indeed. That is precisely what they are said to look like. Now, the young woman grew up in all the ways she should. She was sweet and kind. Her eyes were as pale as blue river stones and her hair the color of a great oak tree's bark." Stones and bark? The best you could do to compliment me was to compare me to the two most common things found on a forest floor? Screw you too. "She one day fell in love with a protector of the Circle. This may not seem bad to us, but to those in the Circle it is a very bad thing."

Snorting that loudly doesn't help our cause Sten. You had better not be laughing at me you Qunari giant. You forget I know your weakness…cookies.

"It was only one Templar that she grew to care for. He was a prime example of his brethren. He was strong, agile, and brave." Where do people get this jargon? I had no idea that Cullen was 'agile' or 'brave' the man stood in a hallway for 16 hours a day as still as a statue. Statues are not exactly known for their ability to agile. My head hurts. Even the Dalish have heard this damn story! "Then it came to pass that the mage's affection for the Templar grew to such proportions, that she confessed her love by shouting it from the very top of the tower." The crap I did. You have never even seen the tower. You cannot get up onto the roof. There would be no mages in the Circle of Magi if we could get onto of the roof.

Quick drop with a sudden stop, if you catch my meaning.

"The templar had taken vows. Now these vows are ones that keep a templar from having a family." Family must be a big thing to the Dalish. They are acting as if someone just paraded the revered Mother around naked. Oh… I think I taste bile in the back of my throat.

"Who would ever agree to that?" A few people it would seem. Shut up and let me get back to my mortification. It may or may not be coupled with a slight vanity now that I am known throughout Fereldan. What? Like you wouldn't be curious.

"The shems are a lost people Te'lier. May I continue the story?" Like that is really going to stop you, you pompous windbag. Get back to the part about me. "The templar refused her love, saying that she was not as brave as he." ….uh….this is new. "He bade her prove her love for him through deed and not words." Is there some 'talk about Solona Amell the Circle Mage and Grey Warden' meeting in someplace I don't know about? "She stole away in the dead of night with the words of her love floating in her ears." Wait…I _escaped_ the Circle now? This story is already ridiculous.

"Did she get caught?" No…because it never happened! Even if it did I would never be caught. I am way too smart for that.

"No, she did not get caught. She fled to Ostagar in hopes of joining the Grey Wardens." Well, I am slightly mollified by the chorus of 'ooh's and 'aww's; you may carry on. "It is said that she even took on the Leader of the Grey Warden's in a duel so that she could join their ranks." Me? Taken on Duncan? Oh you must be touched in the head. Had you ever met the man you would understand my reaction. Maker! This just gets to elaborate! "She did win the right to join the Wardens." I was conscripted nutwad. Say it with me now Con-script-ed. As in to compel by force. I did not en-list which is to volunteer. "She started many brave exploits. She single-handedly cleared the Kocari Wilds of darkspawn before the start of the Blight." The Bight was already going on, I hate to disappoint you, but that is the truth. Still, I hate to confess that this all sounds rather dashing of me. Women can be 'dashing' right? "She survived the battle of Ostagar and even managed to save the life of her fellow Grey Warden by dragging him out of the rubble of the tower."

"What? That is not what happened at all! You…You are telling it all wrong. In fact _I _practically saved her." No need to get your knickers in a twist. Why should you feel ashamed that all of Fereldan thinks you got saved by a girl? Whatever shall you do?

And you so did not save me! I still remember the sheer terror of waking up in a bed once used by Flemeth. No thanks. You go ahead and tell her you saved us both. I like my lungs firmly in my chest.

"I doubt that." That if the first intelligent thing you have said yet Sarel! Aww…is someone growing as a person? "The mage-warden was then only one of two Grey Wardens left in all of the land. They knew of the encroaching blight and were duty-bound to stop it or die trying." You tell this to children? Geez, no wonder the children look so damn depressed. "Still the mage-warden thought only of the love she had left behind in the Tower. Even as she helped any who asked for assistance; she thought of him. When she saved an entire village from undead, she thought of him." In what sense? You make it sound like I pictured his face on every re-animated corpse. That is not very romantic. "When the culprit of the evil deeds was found, it was discovered that he was a possessed boy." Well, won't Conner feel special. The 'culprit of the evil deeds'. That won't haunt his every waking moment. "The very brave mage-warden decided, at great risk, to venture back for the help of her kind." You almost sound approving Sarel. If you wanted to court me all you had to do was ask.

My answer is no.

"Did the templar love her then?" I feel the sudden pang of longing fill my chest. My eyes search out Cullen without my permission. He is staring intently at Sarel. You had better answer the question correctly. Maker help you if you don't.

"Yes, he did." Well that was a good answer, but I wasn't directing the threat at you, Sarel. "He fell in love with her once she came back into the Tower. She was so brave that she even saved his life. The tower which she had escaped, in her absence, had been overthrown by blood mages and demons." Yes children gasp. Also, if you want some sage advice; always pack extra small clothes when battling demons. Trust me there are moments you just want to… you know what? This train of thought probably is not appropriate for all of you.

"Demons? She fought demons for him?" Your tone of awe pleases me.

"Thousands of them." Oh? Now it is thousands? Andraste's pimply ass, what do you people think I am made of? I am not infinite magic and lyrium. I pinch the bridge of my nose. This is just getting to be too much. Next they will be saying I stormed the Black City for him.

Ugh. I mean, I might consider it _now_, but I certainly wasn't thinking it then.

"She even went into the dream world and fought to save all she could from the clutches of the demon's temptations." I did a double take for a moment. Was Sarel sounding a bit like a Chantry Zealot? Hm…"The templar had been kept in a cage, refused food and tortured for eight days before she came to his aide." Fading people! A human dies after about 7 days without water. This is physically impossible! He…I…you! Does nobody understand basic anatomy? Nobody? "She stormed into the tower just to save her love." Why? Why does everyone have to sigh at lines like that? It is extremely vexing.

"What happened then?" I sigh. The deadly, sexy, magical goddess set everyone who was good free, killed a hooker-bitch and Uldred. Then when she attempted to flee from the tower as fast as her feet could carry her; her fellow Grey Warden, the Royal Bastard, decided to conscript him. Then after some time she fell madly in love with the man, who is sitting right over there, ignoring her. Stupid templar.

"They say that she prayed for him to forsake his vows and take her into his arms professing his care for her." Now _that_ would have been a great 'thank you'… or I might have glyphed him. It's really hard to say what I might have done. However, I would gladly take some of that attention now. Right now. Kiss me damn it! "The demons had hardened him against her. She could not bring herself to see her love in such duress, and so she quietly grabbed her staff and tried to leave." I sense a dramatic plot twist coming. I have long verbal pauses. "The templar could not stay in the tower. The haunting images of all that had died within plagued him. The other Grey Warden saw his strength and potential. He then demanded to be part of the Grey Wardens in order to follow his love around and protect her. I had heard that they had been married, or bonded most sacredly, by benevolent fade spirits who said that their match was proclaimed by the one they call 'The Maker' himself." I choke. I start coughing so hard that my eyes water and air burns my lungs. My knees feel weak and the world is tilting.

The Maker himself? WHERE DO YOU PEOPLE HEAR THIS NONSENSE?

"Are they real? Or is this another one of those lessons that aren't about actual people?" Oh suspicion, how you have served me well.

"They are real." Cullen, you stay out of this. "I…uh…there is one part of your story I should correct, if I may?" I nearly faint with relief. Brilliant, smart, sexy, and courageous templar. Benevolent, sweet, shy, and alluring templar. My wondrous, marvelous, stupendous, and cunni- "We are betrothed, not married… just yet."

….what? We are what? You never asked me…where did you get that idea? Oh. I reflect upon our conversation in the Deep Roads. Holy Maker! The man thought I was serious? Mindless, moronic, pointless, puerile, rash, senseless, shortsighted, simple, simpleminded, slow, and ghastly little templar! I was kidding! I did notice, however, that he did not correct Sarel on the eight days in a magical cage oversight.

Oh no. He's told everyone now. All of our party members are shocked. Join the order, I am the Master-Commander right now. Don't you coo at him Wynne! Leliana get that stupid smile off of your face! Alistair don't you _dare_ congratulate him! I'll kill you all! All of you!

I snarl at the sight in front of me. Do I love Cullen? Yes, I do. Are we at the 'I want to spend the rest of my life as your wife' stage yet? Bloody no! I mutter every curse I can think of. Is this why he keeps smiling? Not fair! You have to at least make the attempt to woo me, damn you!

I nearly shake with suppressed anger and frustration. I'm not even out of the tower one blasted year and not only have I still not been _in_ a relationship, oh that is too uncomplicated for me, I have somehow gotten myself engaged to the very object of my temptation! Or torment, as the case may be right now.

I should have been a tranquil. In hind sight, that would have been a much smarter move on my part. I flick my gaze back to the group. Damn, I missed what they were talking about. The children are all swarming Cullen, and Leliana and Oghren are discussing plans for the wedding and what we are serving in the way of liquor. Are you fading serious?

Only Zevran looks as displeased as I am right now. Did he catch the part about eight days in the cage? I scoff. Eight days…damn misinformed Dalish.

"I see no ring on her finger." Zevran looked very upset and was staring at Cullen harshly.

"In light of the recent events, it is understandable that I haven't had time to procure one for her." This is embarrassing. I am spying on a budding argument. Well it isn't _spying_, they are talking about me.

"Such an terrible thing, that. We have been to several markets and traders. And you say you haven't had time, yes? I made no claims upon her." Uh…what was that business with the Dalish ambush then? I have had time to understand what 'bonded' means, Ser. Why is everyone trying to marry me all of a sudden? I thought men shied away from marriage like a gelding does from…well…castration!

Curse my sexiness.

"Is there something you wish to say, _assassin_?" Cullen looks nigh on furious and Zevran bares a matching expression…I should probably intervene.

"Why, yes, my _templar_ friend. I am declaring my intentions." I look around. Ok… what are your intentions? There is an eerie silence between the two men. Uh…Zevran, you never finished your sentence.

"What?" Um, Sarel, you might want to move the children.

"You heard me, I know." He flashed a roguish grin that normally would have been endearing, but now it was frightening.

"You tired to kill her!" Oh be reasonable, that was months ago.

"Funny, I was about to say the same to you. You were a templar yes? We all know what the templars are really there for." Ouch. That was a bit mean. Some templars do enjoy killing mages though, I don't think Cullen was among them. Strangely, it was a topic that never came up.

Go figure.

"You listen, and listen well assassin because I will only say this once. Solona is _mine_. She will be _my_ wife. It will be _my_ bed she shares." Now, normally I would be upset by such a declaration. I mean, I am not chattel. I am not property to be owned, as Morrigan is fond of saying, but I have two attractive men fighting over me. And it is not just in a 'lover her and leave her' sort of way. Now really isn't the time to get my nose in a snit over this.

I am not enjoying this. That would be wrong and immoral of me. Still reeling with the knowledge that Zevran actually cares for me, though.

I am free to admit that I am horrified by the sudden turn of events. Do we need to do this in front of everyone? How many times at camp where there ample opportunities? Men… you are both acting like it doesn't matter if there is no one to witness it.

"Your bed? Oh no, templar. It was I who first tasted the sweetness of her kiss." Oh, I'm busted. Shit. I duck slightly more into the bushes. Ok…Zathrian said something about Witherfang? Where would that wolf be? I'm sure it is very far into the forest. I think I will just get a head start.

I whistle softly to Dog. Bless you my Mabari warrior. I slowly start to back out of my hiding place as further insults are traded between the two angry men.

"It was I that told her of my want of her from the beginning. I have _never_ treated her like she was something soiled. It will be _my_ touches she begs for. _My_ name she screams so loudly as I-" Oh! Not good! Really not good! They are brawling now. Fists flying in all directions and curses being exchanged loudly as I glance at the occupants of the camp.

Please don't try this at home children.

The Dalish warriors are moving in to restrain them. Now looks like a perfect time to be somewhere else. I grab Morrigan and Sten. They have been so wrapped up in teasing one another that they could not be bothered to care about the event that just occurred.

I rub my hands briskly together. "So…who's ready to hunt down a dangerous forest spirit?"


	15. Chapter 15

**Hey thanks for all the reviews! I am glad you like Zevran in this fanfiction. I have one disclaimer. The meeting with the Lady of the Forest will be different and the circumstances by which Solona Amell gets into the Ruins. It was something that wouldn't leave my mind, so I added it.**

**Here is hoping I can keep you laughing, or a least pull off a snort of amusement. Whatever works.**

**Rated M. Mild Sexual content. Not suitable for work.**

**Please Enjoy!**

OoOoOo

I really need to choose my words with care.

When I made the joke that I was going to be carried off by werewolves, I never actually thought it would come true. Well, it has. I am stuck over the shoulder of a large brown werewolf who smells like eight months worth of dried spittle and I don't even want to guess what else.

I never want to hear another person complain about Fereldan smelling like wet dog. Smelling stale werewolf is much worse. You can't even imagine.

I note with displeasure that we have been traveling through the forest for some time now. I really hope someone went and got help. Otherwise…well…there will be one Grey Warden in all of Fereldan. Somehow I just can't picture Alistair surviving without me. I'm not being cute, the man would die a horrible death being drawn and quartered by the lackeys of Loghain. I'd give him six days. Nine if Morrigan stays with him, but that doesn't seem like a viable occurrence.

Then again, I'm giving myself about ten minutes from the point they set me down. How did this happen? Funny story, it would seem that staying toward the back of the group while everyone else rushes off to defeat darkspawn and other creatures of the forest, makes you one giant target.

On a side note; I am never going walking through a forest alone. Ever. There are two different kinds of bears. Yes I was startled by it. There are wolves, not so surprised by that one, and darkspawn. I realize that maybe, it would have been in my best interest to actually go talk with the Dalish about the problem they were having. I had promised to kill Witherfang. What I didn't understand, was that Witherfang went out and must have been busy. There are a lot of her cursed children.

Dear Maker! The trees moved as well. I forgot to mention that. There was one that was a Grand oak tree. You couldn't miss it. It seems to be the only tree in this forest that does not have green leaves, and also it rhymes. I'm not kidding. It really rhymes for every question you ask.

I am humbled by the tree's poetic affluence.

I can't even do a simple four lined-verse, even when I have tried. That makes this entire situation, decidedly unfair.

But, back to my current state of abduction. I can feel my ponytail slapping me in the face every time the creature called 'Swiftrunner' moves. I bet you can guess by his name, that he moves quite a bit. I might have to consider cutting off some of my hair should I survive this.

We pass through some sort of dense fog and I am treated to the feral snarl of a werewolf right in my face. Excellent! Would you like to use my staff to pick your teeth? They are very filthy. I recommended you stay away from a mage-based diet. Oh damn, I guess you can't eat me then. Pity.

"Will you parlay?" Well first, what the fuck is parlay? Second, if this is some freaky attempt to get me to wed one of _you_, then fade no! And third, my favorite, do I have a choice? Oh let's see…thirty of you and one of me….

"Yes I will parlay." Whatever the fade that means. You had better not try to sniff anything.

I am lead through the ruins of a temple. Werewolves are all around me snarling and clawing at the air. Oh cut it out. We all know you aren't going to do anything while I parlay Witherfang. I seriously hope that it isn't as dirty as it sounds.

We walk for a ways and down a flight of stairs into what I assume is their lair. A circle of the creatures surrounds me. This… might be bad…

I would really like to be put down now. I think I am going to be ill all over the back of Swiftrunner. Although, I can hardly see how that would make him smell any worse, the creatures all roar at me.

That little furry bastard just dropped me on my ass! No one harms my ass and gets away with it. Your uppence will come. You will rue the day you kidnapped me. Rue it I say!

Then they start roaring again. I glare up at them with irritation. Where is a rolled-up scroll when I need one? What? It works on Dog. I miss my Dog.

The noise ceases abruptly when a…naked…root…woman comes and touches his shoulder. Um…if she is the lady…Bloody Andraste! I thought Morrigan was the most scantily clad woman I had ever seen. This …female is wearing roots. Actual roots and her hair are the only things covering her…dirty pillows.

Well that was a neat trick. The werewolves dropped to their knees and bowed. Being naked does that? Fade, if I had known being naked makes men drop to their knees, then I would have done it a long time ago!

Wait…that didn't come out right.

"I bid you welcome mortal." Now that's a great indicator of how a conversation is going to go. Calling me 'mortal' is not something I would put in the 'good signs' category. "I am the Lady of the Forest." Um…alright then. I'm not looking for the lady of the forest, I am looking for Witherfang. I suppose they might sound alike? Who am I kidding, they sound nothing alike so who the fade are you?

"What do you want to talk about?" Suave, debonair, and all wrapped up in a magely package. Also, I still have no idea what parlay means.

"No doubt you have questions Mortal." See that right there makes me not trust you. Please stop calling me 'Mortal' I assure you that 'Grey Warden' will be fine. "There are things that Zathrian has not told you." ...Yes…I might have guessed that by the werewolves.

I'm just saying.

"How do you know what he has of has not told me?" This isn't going to turn into one of those uncomfortable conversations where I have to tell you that I am not interested in your 'man', is it? I've never had to have one of those so in fair warning, it won't be anything witty.

"Because there are things that he would not tell." Ok, stop right there. You are going to be vague and try to sound ominous? That's it, I'm leaving. Do I take a left or a right….damn…I can't remember. "Things you sould decide for yourself, whether you need to know." Is this like some crappy fortune telling? Because if it is, I am not listening to this rubbish. I'm not paying you either. And would you put a damn tunic on? While I think you are very pretty, I am not some lonely male warden who wants to see if he can play 'spot the nipple' through your hair. "It was Zathrian that created the curse from which these creatures suffer."

Am I really supposed to be surprised? Really? He's an evil little bitch. That much was obvious.

Oh, great. She's not done. Yippee. Like I haven't had enough of long winded speeches? "The same curse, that Zathrian's own people now suffer." I'm sorry. I can clearly feel the magic pouring off of you in waves. I know the Zathrian is a mage, his magic is old and angry just like him. So, if I may ask one simple question…what part of _curse_ don't you understand? "Centuries ago when the Dalish first came to this land…" Fade and Damnation! I am not here for a history lesson! Please eat me instead!

Someone rescue me!

OoOoOo

I have been here for seven hours! Maker strike me where I stand. Seven hours!

I take back my fear at being here. Now will someone eat me or let me go? I have listen to the 'windbag of the forest' until my ears have bled. Even the damn werewolves are asleep, curled like large Mabari with their tails to their noses.

The naked windbag has had me taken into a small room with a stone alter to wait out the coming of my companions. She even offered to teach me how to change my shape, if I were able to cast anything outside of creation spells. I told her briefly, and left out a few details, about my fluke casting in Orzammar.

We both don't know how I did it.

I still have no idea why she is keeping me here.

It's a very maddening experience. I must be good at something besides healing! I kick a stone and jump when it clanks against something that sounds like glass. Meh? What is that? I reach and touch the gem.

Son of a Shade whore! It's magic. My head starts bursting with sadness and confusion. There is something inside the gem. It has vague memories of a time long ago when elves and humans fought against something. It was not the blight, but the being does not remember what it was. It has been trapped in the gem so long that is has gone mad, slept, and then gone mad again.

…tough break.

It is warm in my hand and it begs me to release it somehow. There is a brief flash of a alter in my mind. I look over to where the stone alter is not six steps from me. The gem spirit does not remember where the alter is.

…I found it.

The being pleads with me to release it and it will teach me to be an arcane warrior.

…I'm listening.

Suddenly knowledge flashes through my mind. Incomplete spells and ways to move and use magic but I think I can gleam a few talents from the hasty thoughts. I think it just gave me all of its memories. There is a massive throbbing pull in my magic. I really need to stop picking up strange objects.

The presence begs me to keep my promise. Yes, I will free you and set you out into oblivion. I have no idea how long you were down here, and neither do you. Now that is a fate worse than death.

Being a Grey Warden doesn't seem so bad by comparison.

Then I am startled by a few moldy piles of bones that rise up with evil magic coursing through them. Curses! I knew better! I swear I did. You never touch random things in abandoned ruins. NEVER!

So what did I have to go do? That's right, I touched what I shouldn't have. Let that be a life lesson for you. If you run around toughing strange things, skeletons jump up and attack you.

Ugh! Where are the werewolves? I call out for assistance as I glyph myself for protection and start channeling an arcane bolt on my fingertips. Time to be a deadly magical goddess! It is much harder without my companions. Damn them for letting me get kidnapped.

Oh shut up, I know I am being unreasonable.

I managed to kill one when I am overwhelmed by the rest. There is a sharp stabbing pain in my leg. The Werewolves come bursting through the door, snarling and claws like large knives. My hands flew down to my leg where a short sword protruded.

Damn skeletons! How in the maker's Breath did the bastards just have swords? There were no swords when I came in this blasted room. There are moments, where I hate magic. Absolutely, reverently, hate magic.

They defended me easily enough, and I used my more than adequate abilities to heal my wound. That will be tender for a few days. Swiftrunner looks slightly upset. Well, then again, when isn't he upset? The man probably had rage issues long before he was a werewolf. I snort.

Maker, you dumbass, making someone who is already a violent person, into a savage killing machine. You sure you know what you are doing?

I'll try to hide my shock that there Is no answer.

"Mortal, are you well?" Oh I don't know…you stuck me in a room full of flesh devouring skeletons. Yeah, I'm just peachy. Bitch.

"I will live." Thanks to your guard dogs and my own prowess.

She looked at me in confusion. "Why did you disrupt this place?" Well why did you stick me in here? For someone who seems to not overly like humans, just the cursed ones like me, you place an awful lot of trust that I won't disturb anything.

I need you to understand, I'm a mage. I am sure you have gleamed that tidbit of information, but the things is mages have a weakness for anything magic. Unusual I know. It is similar to the fashion of how demons are drawn to us. I could go into some complex explanation about magic and life but I won't. Putting a mage near anything magic is akin to not guarding your pack against Dog. If I can sense it's there I am going to find it, and I am going to touch it.

Consider this your fair warning,

"Well, you see, I am drawn to magic." Even when I am not aware that it is magic. Lady, could you please back up a little bit, your bosom practically in my face is not something I want. I'm sure if I were a man I would find you very pretty, but your nakedness just makes me uncomfortable and embarrassed. However, you have taught me to be a more tolerant person of Morrigan's wardrobe and for that I thank you. Seriously, back up.

"Unexpected, to have one so strong act to rashly." What are you? Are you forest sprit or are you the spirit of whimsical nonsense. "It matters little now. They have come for you." Oh thank the Maker. I stretched slowly and started to limber up a bit from all of my standing and the brief bit of fighting. "I am surprised that it too so long." You and me both.

They are completely lost without me.

OoOoOo

"You will release her at once!" I sat in the main chamber with the Lady of the Forest, who I seriously suspect is Witherfang. I'm not certain, mind you, but random root-covered women don't just go running around with werewolves. Also, wolves and Witherfang is supposed to be a wolf. It seems logical from that standpoint.

If that is the case, this is the worst pseudo-surprise ever.

I can hear snarling on the other side. "You must swear not to harm the Lady!"

"I will swear _nothing_ until you release _my_ Lady!" Oh, there went my heart again. I think that might be Cullen.

"So Lady of the Forest…" I turn to the spirit as we both wait with expressions torn between boredom and hope.

"Yes, Warden?" He voice is really strange to me. It half sounds like a demonic possession, but I am still find it oddly soothing somehow.

"Would you be able to give me some advice?" I can't ask anyone in my party. Who could answer me impartially? Half of them were divided between Cullen and Zevran anyway. What I mean by that is my group already, and much to my worry, had the person they wanted to see me with picked out. I'm serious! There is a damn Blight going on and these people have nothing better to do than root for my love life? Screw you Maker.

"I would respond to the best of my ability. What advice do you seek?" I can hear the members of my group arguing with the werewolves and they are asking all sorts of questions. That gives me at least ten minutes if Alistair is asking questions.

"Say that two people were vying for your affections." How strange that is to say. I blush and look around the room. This is much harder than I thought it would be. "And they are both lovely people in their own rights, but one you love now; and the other you know you could come to love just as easily. However, the one you could come to love has already told you his feelings, and the one you do love remains a mystery. Oh, sure he is glad to claim you in a camp full of Dalish, but not when it is just the two of you alone at camp and all you want him to do is ju-"

"Warden. Are you alright?" What? Oh. Sorry. No, I am rambling and throwing my hands in the air in frustration. Hm. The lady is looking at me amused. It is not funny! Why does everyone think this is funny! This is my life damn you!

"I…um…what I meant to ask is ; When do you follow your heart, and when you decide it is a lost cause?" There. That was much better than my first attempt.

She looked at me strangely, and her smile was a slow blooming one. Uh…you aren't thinking what I think you are thinking? Are you? Because you are very nice, but I don't feel _that_ way about you.

"I thought I had heard of you before." Wait. What? "You are the Grey Warden of the tales." Fan-fading-tastic. The she-beast knew of me too? On second thought, just kill me. I'll go back into the other room you had for me and touch everything.

"…You've heard of me?" I try to sound surprised but I know I failed.

"I will strike you down where you stand wolf! Where is Solona?" Oh no. I hear the distinct sounds of a war cry from Cullen, followed swiftly by the echoes of Oghren and Alistair. I know I have significantly less time than before.

The spirit smiles at me. "I should think it evident, that even though he might not have proclaimed his love for you, that he does indeed love you." Love me? I shook my head. Then why can't he say it? Why won't he do something! "I should hazard a guess that a man who did not love you, would not be coming into a lair of werewolves to rescue you."

Well, when you put it like that….

"Thank you. I have decided that I shall help you end this curse." I forced myself to be more dignified than I felt. I just asked a crazy spirit in an ancient ruin for love advice. The worst part is that she made more sense than anyone else! Love is maddening!

As Cullen practically tore the door off of it's hinges I tried not to smile. The man looked furious and when he was that I was surrounded by werewolves that growled and snapped, he narrowed his eyes. I could see the wary and anger reflected in the faces of my companions.

I was trying not to smile because Cullen is sporting blossoming bruises. It would seem that Wynne refused to heal them. Somehow, even in the middle of this situation, I can't help but let the naughty me conjure images. Some I think might actually be banned in Fereldan.

I really need to get a hobby.

"You weren't kidding about being carried off." Cullen bit out frostily. His eyes roamed over me and he paled a bit at the rip in my robe. There was a little blood staining from the earlier wound.

Then the absurdity of his words hit my ears. I wasn't the only one who thought about it. I did what anyone would do in my situation.

I laughed.

OoOoOo

I'm bone tired.

We had not even left the ruins; I had agreed to help Zathrian see reason, when we ran into him. He had followed us as my friends had cleared a path through the forest. The Lazy bastard.

It would seem that everything Witherfang told me was true. I felt bad that the man's family was so destroyed, but he had taken his vengeance long ago. Now he was the one that was hurting everyone. Including the clan he promised to protect. Well that is irony if I ever heard it.

Much to my dismay, Zathrian did not see reason right way and chose to fight us. A giant tree sticking it's massive roots into your freshly healed leg, hurts like the fade. I briefly thought about using my newly acquired skills, but I did not have a weapon. It would have to wait for later.

I freed myself from the vicious attack and glyphed my warriors at they went on the attack. It was very draining. Damn Zathrian and his magic! I had thought that everyone had come for me. Which, in part, was true. However, they had split into two groups to search more of the forest. So here we were, Cullen, Oghren, Alistair, and me.

I had more important people to worry about than myself.

Finally defeated by us, Zathrain agreed to end the curse and in a pool of magic they were gone. They just sort of exploded or something. It was weird. Now we were on our way back to the Dalish camp. Maker what a day!

I think I can feel my feet through my teeth and I am out of magic. My lyrium potions have been lost to the ruins at some point, which I will complain about the cost later. Right now I just want some bandages and most likely, an injury kit.

"Solona? May I speak to you?" I whine in my head because now is not a good time. Really, I think I might have lost a bit more blood than I thought.

But me, being me, I don't refuse the chat. "Of Course Cullen. What was on your mind?" Huh. Have those spots always been in my vision?

"I-I need…to tell you something." I have blood dripping down my leg Cullen, not to be rude but can we get to the point?

"What about?" You wouldn't happen to have bandages on you, would you? My pouch is void of all my healing contents. When had I lost them? Damn.

"I…Know that you were there earlier." I have been a lot of places earlier. What are we talking about? "When I acted so uncivilized toward the assassin." I would grin but the fact that I am still standing on my feet is making me feel a bit light-headed. I still noticed he did not call Zevran by name and I don't believe it was an accident.

"Yes, it was hard to miss." Well it was. They were brawling inside a ring of children; Bloodthirsty little children, but children all the same.

He blushed and it made the pit of my stomach feel warm. That might be the blood loss talking though. Either way, I'm dizzy. "Right. I'm sorry that I created a scene, but I am not sorry that I hit him." He snorted with distaste at the mention of Zevran. Well, to each their own. I still think Zevran is sweet.

"I'm not asking you to." I gave him a bemused grin. His hands are warm as they grasp mine. I feel myself flush at the contact. Or I am running a fever, it is hard to tell.

"Solona, there is something I have to tell you. I can't…what happened today made me realize that I can't wait any longer." Uh…if you are going to um… try to be physically involved with me; it is going to have to wait. Not only are you missing a few steps in the whole 'wooing' process, but I think I'm going to faint at any moment.

"Maybe we should sit down?" Please. The world is spinning and I would really like to have less of a height to fall from. Cullen doesn't let go of my hands as he kneels and I follow suit. It's not sitting, but It is close. There was nowhere to sit down out here anyway.

"I scarcely know how to go about this." Usually actually talking about something helps. My head hurts slightly. Cullen, you seem sort of far away. What's going on? "Solona, what Zevran said about me seeing you as 'soiled'; it's not true. You heard his declaration, I beg you to hear mine."

Curse you the deepest pits of the Fade Maker! You are going to let him confess to me while I am seriously wounded! I would interrupt but I hardly have the strength. I focus my unsteady gaze to his eyes.

You're handsome.

"When I was there in that cage, I saw…things. The demon showed me what I really desired. I suppose that makes sense, she was a _desire_ demon after all." I wasn't going to say anything, it did seem rather obvious that something happened. "But, I'm rambling." Slightly, yes. "When you…when it was with me in that cage, I…did things in my mind with you..it! That I was very ashamed about." Oh! Where they naughty thoughts? I've had those. I feel an odd sort of tension in my chest. "I never…_never_ thought of you as soiled or bad. I was furious with myself, not you. I was angry with all the other mages. I blamed them for hurting everyone. But, I could never blame you Solona." I feel my eyes water and I bite my lip. This is very sweet and also, I am trying to stay awake. Sleep sounds good.

"What are you saying Cullen?" My heart is beating so loudly I hope I can hear his words.

"I have always cared for you, even when I said I didn't. In the Tower it would never have been allowed." Wait…what? "You see, I have loved you for so very long. It nearly destroyed me to have to turn you away. When I found out that you felt the same as I…Maker, I pleaded with any spirit that would listen for the strength to protect you." Protect me? Oh…there are two Cullen's now. I'm thinking very naughty things…four hands….two mouths….ha ha ha….yummy. "If the chantry had found out, they might have punished you. I-" His voice broke with a hoarse note. "I couldn't see you get hurt because of me. Solona, I love you more than life, more than the Maker, and more than any man has ever loved a woman."

I'm crying. I can feel it. He's so blessedly sweet. Damn him!

"Oh Cullen!" I clumsily moved to embrace him and he tucked me against him quickly. The added support was nice because it gave me a chance to drop my head to his shoulder. The world stopped spinning. One problem down, the bleeding still needed to be attended too. I know I am being stupid, but this is everything I thought I would never hear on those cold and lonely nights in the tower.

"I-I…am so sorry for trying to fight what my heart wants." Now you lost me. "Even after you took me with you, I was afraid. I was so scared I would wake up in that cage again and never see your face." I'm going to rust through his armor with my happy tears. I'm not going to buy him a replacement set, because it is all his fault I am crying. "I have this for you. Had I know that you were clairvoyant, I would have given it to you back in Denerim." I felt his shoulders move as he fumbled to get something. The one hand he had released felt as if it would freeze without his touch. Then his hand was back and something cool and smooth was moving over my finger. I blearily looked down to see a flash of silver twinkling merrily up at me. "I couldn't tell you before, but I can tell you now. I want you, I need you, and I love you." He moved back to sit on his heels and tipped my chin up. Oh this is going to be bad.

The kiss was paradise. I felt like a mass of jumbled feelings inside and his lips were hot against my cool ones. I groaned into his mouth. Sadly, it was not out of the pleasure I was feeling but because of the sudden change in my equilibrium.

I fell backward swiftly and hear Cullen making a noise of startled surprise.

I love you too.

Also, I fell on my staff; do you think you could move that for me? Thanks.

Then the world went dark.


	16. Chapter 16

**Hey all, I hope that wasn't too sappy in the previous chapter. I was thinkg 'well he is despretly in love and now he can tell the woman he loves that he loves her. Also he has had a lot of time to think it over.' SO I gave him a heart felt speech.**

**Also Super special thanks to all who reviewed, and thank to those that have read.**

**Rated M. I own Nothing.**

**It hasn't been work appropriate yet.**

OoOoOo

"Fool! What do you mean you do not know first aid?" Oh the surly shouts of Morrigan fill my ears. I would like to go back into the face now. Please.

"I-I never…needed it before. I lived in a tower full of mages!" I can hear the panic in Cullen's voice and my heart melts just a little. I didn't dream everything, did I?

"How did you miss the blood? It is everywhere. I am surprised you survived this long." Leave him alone! Huh…I hadn't thought about all the blood honestly.

"It was all in her boot! How was I supposed to see it?" He shouted at her. "You didn't even see it until you examined her." I whine in my head. I really hope that boot isn't ruined. I would have to bet a whole new pair and I just broke these ones in to my satisfaction. I don't care if there was a slight hole in the heel, or that they were scuffed far more than they should be. I hate having to get new shoes! I get blisters from the material rubbing in new areas.

I should have killed Witherfang.

"True, but I am not a fool." Debatable. Really Debatable. "However, your idiocy gets us nowhere. Leave me. I will see to her wounds. Bring the other mage when she comes." Ah. Still upset with Wynne I see. It is no secret that the two do not get along. It is astounding how Wynne can get anyone to react to her well-placed verbal barbs. It seems Morrigan is no exception. Interesting.

"I will find Wynne right away. She will…she won't…" No, Cullen. I am not going to die on you. I suspect someone is going to attempt to throttle me. Or several someones as the case might be. I hear his booted feet beating a hasty retreat into the forest.

"I know you are awake." Damn! I need to get better at this.

I crack one eye open and peer up into Morrigan's thunderous face. Oh yeah. She's going to kill me. I pull my face into a nervous smile. "Hello. How are you Morrigan?"

Her eyes narrow at me. Oops. Um…she's going to hurt me. "Don't you 'Hello' me." Oh she's hissing like an angry cat. I try to wiggle my body away from her but her hands are suddenly on my leg. Right next to my-

OH YOU FADING WHORE!

"The more you squirm the more unpleasant it 'twill be." Her fingers viciously start to clean out my wound and I shout and whimper at the pain. "Continue screaming if you want." Oh, I might.

"WYNNE! She is killing me!" Or it feels like she is. When was the last time she cut her damn nails! She is reaching into her pouch for a clean cloth and I can feel it on the ragged wound. Bitch!

"Keep screaming, no one can hear you." Maker I hate you. I whimper as she peels my robe up a bit higher for better light. I would blush at the indecency of it all, but the mind numbing pain is rather distracting. I am sure you understand.

"Ack! Get your fingers out of there!" I shout when she makes one more vicious swipe with the cloth. Cloth is evil. Her 'tender' ministrations finished she rummages once more through her bag of torture devices and comes out with some herbs.

"Stop your blubbering. Fighting me will get you nowhere. It will be done." She pushes far harder than I know is necessary. I can't take it. The stars are coming back to dance around my vision. They are very pretty.

"Morrigan, please be gentle!" I plead with her as she starts to wrap my injury with a linen bandage now that she has packed it with herbs.

"Please say what I think is going on, is actually going on, and can I join?" The amused tones of Zevran's voice came floating from behind me. Not right now Zevran. I think my body is on fire. The heated glare Morrigan gives Zevran does _nothing_ to distract me from my pain. I whimper. That really hurt!

"Save me…" I weakly lifted my arm up toward him, my look was hopeful.

"Alas my dear Warden, if she is ravaging you; I'm not going to save you, I'm just going to push her out of the way." He winked at me. That would have been really funny, except…he was serious. I don't think he understands what 'ravage' actually means. Or maybe he does? Yeah…I'm getting Dog to sleep with me in my tent from now on. You're still extremely attractive though. Good for you!

"Must you always through around disgusting comments?" You know Morrigan, that would be far more believable if you didn't look like you were about to laugh.

"We all have our reasons for doing what we do. Mine happen to come with a set of lovely eyes." Huh. My leg itches. What did Morrigan put on there? I tried to rack my brain for an answer and came up with…nothing. Oh fade it all, I wasn't paying attention.

Someone digging their nails into your muscle tissue can do that.

"Solona! How do you keep doing this child!" That is a _fantastic_ question Wynne. I have no idea.

"What can I say? Some of us are just destined for greatness." I flashed a wobbly smile up at her. Heal me, damn you.

"Kidnapped? By werewolves? That is not greatness young lady." Hmpf. You are one to talk. Aren't you little more than a ghoul feasting off of a fade spirit? Yeah, not so glamorous now , is it?

"Hm. Perhaps, but I make it look damn good." And I do.

"Ah, my dear Warden. You make many things look good." I noticed his eyes are lingering on my wound. Which, just happens to be, halfway up my thigh. I am nearly mortally wounded Man! Would fifteen minutes of seeing me as a person, and not the object of your carnal appetites be possible?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

"That is quiet enough young man." Oh, stern Wynne. Spare me you bastard Maker! What in the name of Andraste's back hair have I done to piss you off so much? Recently, I mean.

Stop judging me!

My mood became black as a new summer storm when Wynne agreed to heal my leg. I know you are curious. Why would I be upset by that? The demon-in-mage's-clothing refused to heal me until I told her everything that happened between Cullen and I. Can you believe that? There I was practically swooning in pain and itchiness, and she blackmails me! ME!

She's good. She's damn good.

There is a moment of utter clarity as I reflect that Flemeth would likely cave in before Wynne if the opportunity to extort gossip arose. The woman is more tenacious than a mabari with a fetching stick. Dear Maker! I think I would rather face an irate Arch Demon than face Wynne like this again.

"You cannot be serious." I stare at her with open mouth shock. "You can't do this."

"Oh yes, I believe I can." Wynne, the woman who practically helped raise me, is blackmailing me for steamy details. Which I don't even have, but she is adamant that I do. "In fact, it would seem that I already am."

I make a keening noise in the back of my throat as I stare desperately down at my bandaged leg. It still felt like it was on fire. This is a horrible thing you are doing old woman! I hate you.

"Oh fine!" Her smirk of victory nearly had me in a tizzy. Don't you dare gloat at me. Don't you even think about it. "He confessed his love for me and kissed me. There. Happy?"

"Not even close. However, I did agree to heal your leg." The stinging was quickly replaced by a dull throb as flesh knit back into place. Excellent! You have my thanks, and my unrelenting ire.

When the Warden rebellion comes, you shall not be spared.

OoOoOo

Telling the Dalish that their Keeper was dead, was a rather easy thing to do. I was very suspicious at first. They seemed to accept it without need of explanation…weird. For a people that are exceedingly hostile, they take bad news extremely well.

It is disquieting.

Also it is a very hard thing to bare bad news when you are forced to wear something a tad unseemly. I can't believe that I have to wear my chasined robe that I picked up forever ago. The wound in my leg had to be left to 'breath' a bit. I had still wrapped it in bandages for the little bit of discomfort the open air gave me. It would take a while to heal, I had not answered the questions to Wynne's satisfaction and my own attempts to heal my wound had been hindered by Morrigan's use of herbs.

Witches.

I self consciously try to tug the robe to cover far more than it does. It is mortifying to have the members of the Dalish clan look at you like they want to eat you. I had enough of that nonsense with the werewolves.

Zevran won't stop leering at me either. Cullen has a hard time looking me in the face. No, it's not because he is embarrassed. I did not expect him to have such a perverted nature. He has always seemed so sweet.

However, the one thing that the suddenly aggressive males can agree on is that the other should not be looking at me. This is a nightmare. It makes me almost miss the tower. The sodding tower of all things!

"Keep your eyes to yourself assassin." Dear maker not again. I wish I was blessed with Morrigan's shape shifting abilities. Let's see them fight over a big grizzly bear. I'd be 500 pounds of sexy. Rawr.

"Oh you are hardly one to talk templar. At least I know what to do with such…curves." How mortifying for you boys, I'm standing right here.

"From what I have heard you have known a lot of curves. Such enduring faithfulness you have." Really? We are really going to get into this again? What is wrong with you guys? Knock it off!

"Was that an insult to my morals?" I can see the shock evident on Zevran's face, as well as the fury. I look around just in case. Nope. No kids. I breathe a sigh of relief.

"You _have_ morals?" Ow. That is a tad mean. Zevran is a rather nice man. Sure he could poison me thirty times over without my knowing it, but I can summon a green wisp. See? We all have talents.

"I have many things and I will have many more. One of them is our lovely warden." Why do you taunt him? Why? You know as well as I do that he won't resist the bait.

"Really? How odd. My eyes must be deceiving me, because by the Maker, I see a ring on her finger." Wow. Cullen fights as cattily as woman. Slightly impressive for a man who has never really had any verbal battles. Well, that I know of anyway. Although his fierce possesivness of me is, and you will never get me to admit it again, sort of thrilling. Cullen has been watching out for me ever since he and I spoke. I try not to blush every time we are left alone, or when he smiles at me.

Maker…I really love that man.

Oh, Zevran is looking at me. I turn around suddenly and I am very angry suddenly. This is stupid! Fighting over me when I am standing right here. No, fighting over me period is silly. Ugh! I hate having to watch a pissing contest between these two. I have been wondering how to break the news to Zevran. Cullen has despite his shyness and bumbling, turned out to be a very capable thief of hearts. I have already admitted feelings for Cullen and he has admitted them for me.

I suppose we might actually…be betrothed now? I'm still not very clear on that.

"I still have time before she throws her life away on you." Damn it! Cullen, stop hitting him! Zevran, don't you dare pull your weapon-…ok , fine, don't you dare use th-… alright, but you had better not be trying to kil-…I hate men.

I should go for women. Really, that is all there is to it.

"Stop it this instant." I snarl at them and charge into the mass of twisted limbs and testosterone. I will never want men after this, I am almost certain. "You are besmirching the reputation of the Grey Wardens." The 'boys' break apart and scowl at each other, then me. Suck it up. You irritate me. Rule number one, don't piss off the healer.

"He started it."Cullen said shooting murderous looks at Zevran.

"I did not. It was you." Zevran bit back frostily.

Wynne is right. It is like looking after children. Fading children! With sharp and pointy objects. Maker's kneecaps. I have half a mind to let the blight take it all.

It is very tempting.

"Well I am finishing it." They gape at me like I have lost my mind. Well if I have gone insane, rest assured, that you are the cause of it. "One more word. Just one more word out of either of you and I will not heal you the next time you need it." I feel like I am spitting lightening as angered as I have become. Embarrassment is a powerful motivator for me to act the part of the Warden Commander.

Things are blissfully silent for all of twenty seconds.

"_Assassin_."

"_Templar._"

I rub my temples slowly. This is going to be a long Blight.

OoOoOo

"Perhaps, if we are lucky. You can manage to get them to fight to the death. I have heard that roosters do a similar ritual." Thank you, Morrigan. I have no interest in seeing Zevran and Cullen in a cock fight. Who would clean the blood out of all of our clothes?

I snort because the image is priceless, and not because I thought the word cock.

"And you would find that amusing?" I already know she would, but it is fun sometimes to tease her.

"Indeed." Her lips curl into a feral smirk. "I have often wondered about the court ship dance of males in this world. I am curious it they would rip each other apart, or cripple their competition to claim the female. You, in this case." Yeah, I got that. I wasn't thinking they were fighting over you. Somehow, after what you did to Carroll, that idea just seems _wrong_.

"What are you hoping they will do exactly?" I let my annoyance glimmer though in my words. "Throw me down on the ground and rut me?" I snuck a sly glance her way. "I never thought you to be one to watch." I smirked as she turned red.

"Wha-No, I…that is not what I meant." Aww. Did I fluster the Witch of the Wilds? How cute! Who is a cute Witch? You are! Who's a cute witch? You are! "I hate you."

And I you. And I you.

"Well irrespective of my love life, what did you need?" My voice is dripping with sarcasm. Seriously, though, what are you up too?

"I have been studying Mother's grimoire." …What? Oh, right. One of the books I looted from the tower actually meant something to you. I never gave that to you, you know. You more or less stole it. I will want that back. "Do you wish to hear what I have found?"Well, judging from the look of apprehension on your face I know I am going to regret this, but yes.

"It you must." My voice is grim. I don't like talking about Flemeth. Fade, I don't even like thinking about Flemeth.

"'Tis…not what I expected." Great. We're doomed. That's it, game over. "I had hoped for a collection of her spells." Eh? Were there any? I would love to look that over. Wait a minute…its still my book. A flash of fear races through me. She isn't trying to become like Flemeth is she? Give it back right now! "a map of the power she commands. But this is not it." Oh, thank magic. We might be saved after all.

…but…

"Yet, you look disturbed." My magic twitters with unconcealed worry. Knickerweasels!

"Disturbed?" Ok this conversation is going to take a lot longer than need be it you repeat things I say. "Yes, perhaps that is the right word." Thanks, I will just start calling myself a walking thesaurus. You do wonders for my self-esteem. "One thing in particular in her writings disturbs me." Congratulations, you managed to use the word 'disturb' in the correct context. Oh, the power you wield. "Here. In great detail Flemeth explains the means by which she has survived for centuries." What? Is it her sunny disposition? Is it the talking in vague riddles? Oh, oh, oh, is it being bat-shit crazy? Oh please say it is the last one, I might survive for eons after traveling with you people.

"Let me guess." I make an attempt at humor. "She drinks blood? Eats children?"

"That is closer to the truth than you might think." Why had I felt humor was needed to break the tension? Now all I feel is panic and regret. "Flemeth has raised many daughters over her long life time." Maker's warts! There are _more_ of you! This is the Black city, it must be. I'm trapped aren't I? I never really left the tower and now some sick, twisted, and sadistic little demon is tormenting me. Maker! Why hast thou forsaken me!

Oh, that's right, because you hate me.

Fade's bells! I missed something in my shock. "…Had always wondered why not." Why Flemeth chose not to forgo breeding? Yes, that is a rather frightening prospect. "And now I know. They are all Flemeth." What?...What did you just say? Oh Dear Maker! "When her body becomes old and wizened." Ok this is bad enough already, I really don't need images of Flemeth's bo-body…eww. "She raises a daughter. And when the time is right, she takes her daughter's body for her own." OH! GROSS! …eh…wait, we aren't talking about…er…never mind.

"So is she immortal or not?" Oh please say she is not. I'm not certain I can handle one Arch Demon, let alone two.

"Whatever spark of the demon that made her what she is remains within her keeps her from dying of old age." That's useful. I'll just start compiling a list of '100 uses for Demons' then. "But her body deteriorates." Luck of the draw I guess. "Eventually she would be so wizened as to senseless and immobile." I'm not seeing a problem in this for me. "So she must seek a new body, a fresh body, and start the cycle anew." Still not seeing how this concerns _me_.

A horrifying thought just occurred to me.

"Can this body be anyone?" Me. "Or must it be a daughter?" You. If it comes down to a chose between me or you…well…it won't be a tough choice I assure you.

"I am…uncertain." Well! It was a pleasure knowing you. "According to the writings, certain hosts are better than others." That's not creepy at all. I'll just start calling us potential hosts shall I? "The more the host is prepared, the quicker the… transition will be." This is just uncomfortable now. I fidget under her worried gaze. "I am sorry…This simply takes me by surprise." Takes you? I might be Flemeth bait! "I would have thought I would have had some inkling, some notion…" You were raised by an abomination of ledged and you had _no_ idea that she might turn on you? Maker are you stupid.

Really, really, stupid and a liability.

"You and Flemeth were hardly friendly." I wince. Nice Solona, really nice.

"'Tis just her way…or so I thought. I was a fool to think…" Yes you were. "I should have known better." Yes, you should have. For once I am grateful I lived in a damn tower.

"You are certain of this?" The dread pitted in my stomach. This is really bad, I whine to myself, really bad!

"Yes." Damn. There goes that hope. "There is only one course of action." Yes, leave you hear to die you stuck up bitch. "You must kill Flemeth."

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I have to almost stop myself from clutching my sides.

Go fuck yourself.


	17. Chapter 17

**Thanks so much! All of you, really, thank you!**

**I am so glad if I made anyone laugh. **

**Rated M, I own nothing. There will be SMUT in this chapter you have been warned. If it causes your eyes to bleed, don't come crying to me. I couldn't get this out of my mind, so it is more of a mini-chapter for all those of you that have waited patiently.**

**Enjoy.**

OoOoOo

"Did…did you just threaten to _rape_ me?"

Uh…maybe…

I think now would be an excellent time to die from humiliation. No, I know I have said it before, but now truly does seem like the most appropriate time to kick off into the eternal fade.

Holy Maker's toe fungus….I just told Cullen I was going to rape him. Not that _I_ would mind, per say, but I don't know if he would make it.

I groan in my head. How had this started? How? I remember now…It had started out innocently enough…sort of.

We had gone down from the Dalish camp, with the two men arguing all the way. Damn me. They had bickered back and forth, much to the amusement of the rest of the group, until it became very clear to me that this simply could not continue.

"You two stop it right now! You are behaving like little boys and not the men you claim to be." I'm at my wits end. Truly I am ready to scream and not in an excited way.

Lately my thoughts have all been rather…explicit. I'm nineteen now and maker take it all, I have urges. They are perfectly normal urges, I should know, I asked Wynne. Not anytime recently, mind you, but when I was sixteen I did ask her about them. I had become…moody… over my lack of any sort of affection in the tower.

I mean, it's not unnatural to feel this way.

Hence, my disbelief those two men wanted me in any manner. It is really strange. While I was in the tower no one wanted me that way…except Cullen apparently, but he doesn't count because I didn't know it back then. Now that I am outside of the tower people act as if I am some exotic beauty.

Not that I am complaining.

But back to my original point, they were bickering and I had to stop it. So I did. There were grumbles of agitation when my glyph of repulsion threw them both backward. I am not messing around with men acting like children anymore!

Am I the only one that takes anything seriously?

They fell silent around me and Zevran was furious that I had attacked them. Cullen looked equally enraged and I couldn't stop the feline smirk from appearing on my face.

"That was uncalled for." Zevran snarled at me.

"No, it was very much called for. You two are distracted from the task at hand and I need men with focused minds and accurate swords. Not men who brawl each other over petty arguments." I roared across the stretch of land between us.

Wynne, stop smirking or I will cut you into little pieces and feed you to the mabari.

The two males muttered at me still slightly angry and embarrassed. Cullen still shot dirty looks as Zevran, who returned them with fervor. Fine. Whatever. As long as we can make camp without killing each other it will all be fine, Haven cannot be that hard to find.

It takes us a few hours to tromp toward the outskirts of the woods. Cullen has non to subtly dragged his tent right next to mine with a look of 'back off' written all over his face. Any closer and his tent would be overlapping mine. Once again, fine. Let's just get through this night without Zevran attempting to go rout Cullen, and all with be right as rain in the morning.

I hope.

I am managing to keep my patience. Although only the Maker knows how I did that with Cullen following me like a large hulking shadow. Cullen, really, I can go take a bath on my own.

"You don't need to follow me." I snap at him after he has trod on the back of my ruined boot for the second time.

He narrows his eyes at me. Don't you look at me in that tone of voice, Ser! "I just want to make sure you are alright."

"Cullen, I am _fine_." I stress the point once more. I'm a big mage; I can tie my own boots and everything.

"If you are going to bathe, take Leliana with you." Uh…no. I am not keen on Leliana seeing me naked. I'm not sure why, but it makes my skin feel tight. Call me crazy but I feel like she stares at me…lustfully.

"I don't need to take someone with me. I'm not six!" My cheeks flame with embarrassment. This man is a nightmare! He is starting to act as bad as he did in the Deep Roads!

"You are still recovering from an injury." Don't point at my leg, I am well aware of where my injury is. Thanks for the reminder though. "You will need assistance."

I huff and ignore him as I continue toward the stream we had camped by. Cullen is arguing as I am walking away.

"Solona!" I can't hear you…

"Stop. You need to take someone with you." No, I don't. What I need is for you to let me out of your sight for more than three minutes.

Overprotective Templar Bastard!

Ah! Recruits drive me nuts! "I out rank you Cullen, as your Commander I am ordering you to leave me be while I bathe." Take that you Chantry whipping boy.

"I am not a Grey Warden yet. You do not command me." The fade I don't! Did I say you could grow a spine? I don't remember ever agreeing to that.

"Cullen." I used my best Wynne impersonation to adopt the perfect amount of warning in my voice. "If you don't go back to camp, Maker help me, I am going to do the rudest thing I can think of." Now before I explain the next part, allow me to help you understand where I was coming from. Whenever I am with Cullen or Wynne, it is like being back at the tower. Not a bad feeling, but the nostalgia can at times be a bit overwhelming.

It is no secret that mages and templars do not get along very well. They like to scare us with threats of running us through with their swords. We mages like to harass them by saying the most inappropriate things we can think of. Now, please understand, it only ever occurs when a mage is pushed past the brink of caring. It is the step right before tearing a hole in the veil and going demonic on everyone.

I'm at that step right now.

It doesn't help the situation that he snorts at me dismissively. "What could you possibly do to me? I can counter your magic and in hand to hand combat, I would win."

I was seething. I was furious. I was livid. I was annoyed beyond my capacity to take.

"If you don't go back to camp right now _templar_ I am going to take you by force." I hissed at him. My eyes snapped to his and he looked amused. Amused damn him!

"You are not strong enough to force me to go back to camp." He nearly gloated at me.

"That is not the kind of force I was talking about." I leered up at him.

"Did…did you just threaten to _rape_ me?" And here we are!

…well…in for a copper, in for a sovereign. I mean I have known the man for a very long time, and we love each other. There are worse ways to go about offering to bed someone. I wince at my own rationalizations.

"I most certainly did." I tilt my chin up defiantly. "What are you going to do about it?" I stared at him, feeling very much like an idiot whose palms are sweating.

I had expected laughter or horrified silence. I hadn't expected him to come at me. Or for him to push me back quiet forcefully into the trunk of a tree.

Maker, could the man kiss. I close my eyes as his lips press against mine and I moan. There is a liquid sort of fire growing inside me. His gauntleted hands are on my waist and he is pressing against me.

With the armor on it is a tad uncomfortable.

I wound my arms behind his neck. I like this Cullen. I think I shall keep this Cullen. My un-injured leg hikes around the back of his. He groans against my mouth. Not an unpleasant sensation, in fact it makes me very excited.

"Take off your gloves." I mutter as I break the kiss for air. He clumsily starts to remove them and I try to help, but something in me prompts for me to nibble at his neck. I have seen other mages do these sorts of things and nothing looks terribly hard so far.

His gauntlets lay discarded behind him as his hands…his very _warm_ and strong hands come back to my hips. While that is all nice and good, I want you to touch other places. I had to grab his hand and put it on my breast. He stills for a moment.

Oh you don't get to back out now templar.

I arch into his hand and I whimper for added effect. Really, I am not going to break. I have these for a reason…mutual pleasure. He squeezes lightly and my body tells him my approval. I make love bites along his neck and I am shocked, but pleased when he rocks his hips into mine.

Armor is the bane of my existence. Doesn't the man know how to get naked on his own?

"Armor" I kissed him again. "off."

His hands shake at the buckles of his armor. I whisper some things to encourage him that I can't repeat. He takes off the plate and I am very happy to find that he is broad shouldered under the bulky armor. I was worried only for a moment that it might have _all_ been the armor.

He has muscles in all the right places and the very primal, very female part of me likes that. Very much.

His hands are back on me and even though it feels nice, I can still think clearly. I thought this sort of thing was supposed to make me more addled than an overdose of lyrium?

Oh. He pinches my nipples and that funny sort of friction is building between my legs. I am not quite sure where we went from one moment to the next, but I pushed him away.

I wanted to coo at him. No, I'm not changing my mind, just the position. I dragged him down by his shirt front into the grass with me.

To be honest, my leg was hurting and if we were standing, he would have to grip my thighs to support me. I don't like pain. It would kill the mood.

And I am in the mood.

I kiss him and shyly open my mouth. Cullen is very willing to comply with my unspoken request and soon our tongues are dancing across each other. I was right. He does taste sweet. I should have tried to rape him sooner.

He fumbles with his hand between us and I can figure out what he is doing. I rock against him and he groans again. I like that sound.

Neither of us have ever done this before. I am too shy to be naked and so is he. I cling to the familiar weight of my robe with abandon. It makes this less embarrassing. It makes me less self conscious. He sits back up on his heels and pushes my robe up.

I wet my lips and gasp at the feel of those warm hands on my smalls. He looks confused for a moment, unsure of what to do. I want to help, to reassure him, but I don't know what to say.

"Please?" If you get up and leave, or if you change your mind I am going to strangle you. I swear that to you.

It seems to be the correct thing to say because his fingers hook around the band of my smalls at the junction of thigh and my womanhood. He doesn't take them off, he just pushes them out of the way. His tunic has covered anything I might have seen and my eyes are glued to his face.

This is real, isn't it?

He looks scared. Fade, so am I. I know it is going to hurt. I know that there is always fear of the unknown. I push myself up onto my elbows and place one hand on his face. He swallows and stares into my eyes.

I'm nervous. I'm worried I might regret this later, but I want him now. So I smiled at him and kissed him.

I jumped at the touch of alien flesh against the most sensitive part of me. I have read about this and I know the basic mechanics, but this is far more intimate than I was lead to believe. I remind myself that this is Cullen. Cullen would never hurt me on purpose so it is alright to trust him.

It is…odd. Sex is odd. He feels hard as he slowly pushes inside of me. It hurts, that part they didn't lie about. It feels like someone is pinching me from the inside and I wiggle around him to ease the discomfort. I'm not so sure I like sex.

He hisses in a breath and his handsome face contorts into one of sheer pleasure. I whimper a bit in my throat as a mild protest to the pain as his hands come down by the sides of my head. I reach out for his hands and urge him to hold mine. I am pinned beneath him and filled by him.

Sex is rather…uncomfortable. He kisses me again, probably because the look on my face. I try not to let him know my discomfort because I want this to be nice. Even though it hurts more when he thrusts, I feel sort of attracted to the breathy noises he makes.

We are not practiced lovers. I do not know where to touch him or even what I am supposed to do. I throb where he is buried inside of me. I feel full and my hands tighten around his seeking reassurance.

It is very unfair that this act doesn't seem to hurt him too. You are a right bastard Maker. But thank you for him.

Oh. That is all I think. Oh. When the pain subsides enough to actually feel him; There is a sort of suction when he pulls out and I clamp down on the new sensation out of pure reflex. He groans in my ear. I smiled then. I kissed the side of his face, his neck, and his lips.

His hands press into mine as he stills above me. Though he has no experience, he is a sweet and amazingly gentle lover. My favorite memory will forever be the way his voice broke as he whispered my name. He collapsed on top of me, and though it is odd to have a sudden weight fall on you, it is not unwelcomed. I disentangle my hands from his and hold him.

It wasn't so bad. I am still slightly upset that people describe this as great pleasure. Meghan, hooker-bitch that she was, often described it as falling from the stars. I don't feel anything like that, but it was nice toward the end I suppose.

I'm just happy to hold him. I know there should have been a bed. There should have been soft sheets and pillows. But there weren't any of these things and it was _perfect._

"It would appear that the duel is over." I froze right alongside Cullen at Sten's booming voice not three feet from us.

"Duel?" I squeaked, unsure of what to say. I thank my luck that we never full got unclothed. Cullen is busy trying to tuck me as completely under him as possible. I assume he is try to shield me from prying eyes.

"What are you talking- Oh my!" Fade me…why did it have to be Wynne of all people? Maker why?

"It would seem that the Warden lost." Sten's eyes looked at us critically and I could have just died. Where is the arch demon when you need it? "You have steeled yourself well Templar. You should be proud."

Please just let me die…

and I _didn't_ lose damn you!


	18. Chapter 18

**Nookie scenes are not my strong point. Also, well, I tried to be realistic.**

**Thanks so much for those that read and a hearty thanks for my reviewers! Sorry for this piece it is more a filler and tumultuous thoughts that would naturally occur after such an awkward situation. Next installment will be full sarcasm, you have my word.**

**I own nothing, rated M**

**OoOoOo**

I'm not talking to any of you bastards! Not a single one. Don't look at me, don't touch me, and don't breathe my air! Stop looking at me!

This was without a doubt the worst week of my life. Maker's breath! I want to destroy all of them. Every last smirking, sneering, and leering one of them; I am starting with Sten.

The sheer horror of being under Cullen, just caught in the act…Oh magic abounds I pray he hadn't watched the whole thing.

What if he watched the whole thing!

I am ashamed to say that the first thing I did was start swearing up a storm and pushing Cullen off of me. I know in hind sight that I could have laughed, or buried my face in his shoulder and rode out the waves of devastating mortification; but I didn't. I did what I do best, which is reacting.

I just did it poorly.

I shoved Cullen off of me and moved to stand quickly, harming my already abused leg in the process. A cry of anguish and outraged spilled from my lips. I knew I was flushed to the roots of my hair, but I didn't have a whole lot of time to process that.

I shook with all the emotions running through me and I bolted into the forest. I left all of my bathing supplies, my new lover, and our companions all behind. As I storm off I try to pick leaves and twigs out of my hair. It must look like a rat's nest.

And my thighs are sticky. Gross…

All of the good thoughts I was having before we were interrupted are dashed away. Stupid party members! People in the fading tower could have sex and not get caught. Only I, Solona Amell, could have my first time and get caught. In a forest! The whole friggin' forest and I get caught.

Great. Just great.

And all those girls and stories lied! The entire process is very little like I was lead to believe. Deceivers! I mean it wasn't terrible, except for everyone knowing and being seen in that position. It wasn't Theadas shattering, and the ground didn't tremble beneath me or anything.

I am sure I am far enough away from the others when their shouts for me to come back have faded in the wind. Stupid! I am so damn stupid! What must they think of me? And poor Zevran! I hadn't even had the chance to tell the elf that I didn't feel that way about him yet. I groan. My like is in shambles around me it feels like.

That was just the first day.

OoOoOo

The Next day I decided not to speak to anyone. I mean anyone. I hadn't returned to camp all night and Dog came looking for me. His rough tongue awoke me from the most pleasant dream I have had yet. Drowning everyone in the tower and my party in a tub in the Circle Tower; yes it is rather…aggressive, but I felt well within my rights.

I blinked my gritty eyes open and stared at him. Dog dropped on his haunches and whined at me. I wiped the sleep away and slowly moved to stretch. To my dismay I find that I am sore…you know where. I am not going to spell it out for you. The event of the previous night still lingered on my mind. I didn't want to have to face any of them.

Stupid traveling companions! Gah! I hate this blight and the Grey Wardens. I hate the tower and mages. I hate Sten and …and…everything! I am ranting in my head, but I am composing myself on the outside. I pulled my hair back into an eye-crossingly tight bun, and smoothed out my slept in robes the best that I could.

The first one that talks, I am beating to death with my staff.

The camp was eerily quiet when I walked in. I look at no one as I stride across to my tent, which I promptly start to disassemble. It is so soundless I can hear Alistair breathing from across the way. I can feel Cullen's eyes on me and I ignore him. I ignore them all.

A mage can only take so much. I have been around this damn land for months upon months. I have done everything possible to help others and get away from my self-fulfilling prophecy. I _refuse_ to share my love life with the whole camp.

I hope you all die.

I pack quickly, and when I am done I turn to face them all. "Let's move." I snap out waspishly. A few look like they want to say something to me but I glare them all into silence. Shut up and do what I say.

We don't even get halfway out of camp before Oghren has me seeing red.

"So, uh, what did you do with her legs?" I can feel my nostrils flare in outrage. He is _not _talking about me.

"I…am not sure what you are talking about." I am snarling in my head as Cullen answers him. I am right here! You will not speak on this! "Whose legs?"

"Her legs." There is laughter and a few fearful whimpers from his statement. He must have pointed at me. Drunken dipshit. "That's the problem with dwarven legs. They're useless as an accessory." Accessory? I cannot believe this. I am going to lose my temper and it will not be pretty.

"I don't understand." Me either, but I am still furious. "Her legs? Why would I move them? I don't know what—"

"Ah, say no more. Just got 'em outta the way and went about your business. Good on you, son." THAT' IT! I whirled around and I look right at Oghren.

"How _dare _you." And then I kicked him in his junk.

Yes, not one of my prouder moments, but I kicked him straight in his junk. His face changed into a shocked expression and he fell to the ground with an 'Umpf!' the others looked at me wide-eyed.

"Does anyone else have anything else to say?" I snarled at them my staff glowed menacingly. "Any one?" I looked at each of them in the eyes, except for Cullen, and barked at Oghren to get up and get moving. They wouldn't come within eight feet of me the rest of the day.

OoOoOo

On the morning of day three, Oghren was completely sober. It was really surprising, but I attributed it to his sudden need to protect his family jewels from me. Even in battle against the one or two straggling darkspawn that lingered on the road way. He had even gone so far as to shield his …pride and joy…from me in such a way that caused him to take a vicious ax swing to the side. The blighter had claimed that it was less painful than when I had kicked him.

I don't doubt that.

Cullen made an attempt to approach me, to talk to me, but I couldn't. Somehow it is all his fault. I just know it. I'm angry and embarrassed. Sure I feel a little bad for just up and stomping away and leaving him to the vultures. But, he was a templar for how many years? He can just stand there and ignore them. I have not had as much practice.

Even though we look at each other from time to time, I am still sort of shying away from intimate contact with him just yet. I have learned that I must never do those sorts of things out in public ever again.

I hope he understands that lesson too.

OoOoOo

By day four I have come to understand that no one in this whole group has a damn life. Not a single one. I am going to murder them all. I think Wynne might be the worst. She hasn't left poor Cullen alone for six minutes out of the day. I'm not going to save him though. Are you crazy? I don't want her talking to me about it. Good luck Cullen.

"Cullen." I reach into my pouch for some bark to chew to relieve the sudden headache I feel building.

"Yes, Wynne?" Oh he sounds as miserable as I feel. I am sorry, but I am a coward with Wynne. You are on your own.

"It seems you and our fearless leader are inseparable these days. Joined at the hip, almost." Ha! You need your eyes check Wynne, I haven't spent any time in his company lately.

"I don't think so…" I wince at his confused and slightly hurt tone. Andraste's flaming sword, I am such an ass. I hadn't even thought until this moment that he might be just as insecure as I am. Maker. I left the poor man alone with them all and didn't come back to camp all night.

I groan. He probably thinks that he did something wrong. I could kick my own ass if I could reach it. Well, I guess I _can _reach it if I kick up and backwards…yeah. I just kicked my own ass.

"Well then, now that you're in an intimate relationship, you should learn about where babies really come from." You weren't listening to a thing he said were you?

"Ex-ex-excuse me?" I flush with horror for him. She isn't going to give him 'the talk' right here is she?

"I know the Chantry says you dream about your babies and the good Fade spirits take them out of the Fade and leave them in your arms..." Who would believe that jargon? 'Oh fear the fade, the fade is bad. But that is where babies come from!'. Nonsense! "but that's not true." You're damn right it's not true. "Actually what happens is that when a girl and a boy really love each other –"

"Truly! Truly, I swear to you, I know where babies…come from." I look back to see him squeaking at Wynne with his face as red as my own. Why am I cursed Maker? Why?

"Do you? Do you really?" Wynne!

"It would certainly seem like he knew the art of making one the other night." Zevran? You treacherous bastard! I glare at him and frown. You stay out of this. I still owe you an apology and I would hate to have to kill you before I gave it. "It did seem as if you just got going when all grew quiet. You are... feeling all right, yes? Perhaps you are tired?" I froze in shock. We are not discussing Cullen's sexual…performance out here in the open are we?

I need darkspawn. Hordes and hordes of darkspawn.

"Wh-What?" Just breathe. Just breathe and don't hurt them. Don't hurt them. You need them. repeat after me…'I need them to kill the arch demon.'

" I have some roots from home that you may chew if you need energy. As for volume, perhaps you ought to try arching your—" Oh Maker!

The strangled cry of horrified fascination that comes from my lips causes them all to stare at me.

"More volume?" The thing hurt enough as is! I do not need 'more' of him.

Whatever I said has made Cullen look unabashedly pleased and Wynne is chuckling at the terrified look on my face. "Aww, look, you're all red and mottled. How cute." I blinked at her. Of course I am mottled! We are never talking about this again.

"We are not talking about this." I hissed and marched away to hide my embarrassment.

"You Fereldans are so finicky. How will you ever learn how to pleasure each other unless you talk about it?" Short answer; None of your damn business, that's how! Must everyone know the details of Cullen and I losing our virginities? Is it really that interesting?

"I'm going to bury you in the dirt." I mutter under my breath.

"What was that?" Wynne called to me, and I could have bit my own tongue.

"I said we need to stay alert." Die you harpy!

Later that day as we passed by a local village, there was a young couple getting married. Much, to my dismay Wynne looked at me and with an evil grin said 'You're next." I grumped at her angrily, but Cullen seemed to be in much better spirits before. Not only that, but he and Zevran seemed to be getting along like magic.

I hope someone didn't use magic on them. That would be such a waste and I am not going through the fade again to take it off of them.

Wynne was driving me up the wall. There was a comment here and a grin there. Every time I looked at her there was a grin! She stopped grinning when we passed by a few villagers burning their dead and I told her "You're next."

She is not speaking to me right now…

OoOoOo

On the fifth day, there was a new sort of torment awaiting me. It would seem that appearances can be deceiving. Who would have guessed that I, sensible though I am, might have misinterpreted something? Really, I think the fault lies on Leliana. Completely and utterly on the bardy wench. What was I supposed to think? Huh!

What would you think if you had come back from collecting wood to see her and Cullen leaning in rather secretively? Sure, I might have been a little upset and irrationally jealous. I could have handled that as my own fault for not speaking to Cullen for five days. I honestly could have. But when she whispered in his ear and he blushed?

Look, I don't claim to be an even-tempered person. I claim to be many other things; smart, sexy, logical, powerful, talented, and an excellent joke teller; but not even-tempered. So if you look at the turn of events, it is completely understandable why I lost my head. I started out just fine. I simply glared at them while sitting next to Alistair.

My anger seemed to be extremely funny to Alistair. Royal bastard.

I don't know what they are talking about and as I watch them for the course of the next half-hour, it drives me nearly insane. What does that tramp think she is doing? He had better not be trying to flirt with her! I offer to polish Alistair's short sword for an excuse to monitor the two across the fire.

I am hit by two things at once. The first thing is that she has scooted closer to Cullen to say something else that I cannot make out. The second thing is the knowledge that filled me from the gem about being and Arcane warrior comes flooding back. As do my thoughts of murderous rage.

Oh he did not just smile at her.

I can hear a crackling sound, but I pay it no mind as my eyes are locked on their interaction. The wind annoyingly loosens my hair from the ribbon holding it. I cannot believe that he is talking to her again. I simply can't believe he would be that stupid. There is a cry of alarm from Morrigan.

….

Oh.

Then lightening is snapping down all over the ground and my friends are scrambling to avoid being hit with the bolts of electricity. I am shocked and awed at the cloud that has formed above me and for a fair distance around us.

I cast tempest.

Under any other circumstances, that would have been an incredibly feat, one to be celebrated. As I wince watching Sten take a bolt to the hindquarters, I am not celebrating. I am very mortified. Alistair is quick on his feet and cleanses the area of my magic.

"What was that about?" He demands slightly angry. I don't blame you. I'm sorry, I didn't even know I was doing it.

All eyes are on me and I apologize and stutter out that I wasn't aware I had done it. Wynne is looking at me with a concerned expression and Cullen is frowning at me. Leliana looked a bit shocked at my heated glare in her direction. I straightened my posture under the weight of their gazes.

Whatever, at least the sword is still clean.

OoOoOo

I almost killed Sten on day Six. Almost.

We had been chatting amicably for he was the only member besides Dog that didn't seem to care about my relationship with the Warden recruit. Sten had finally decided to tell me about his mission for his people and how he could not go home without his sword.

Yes, I am sure you don't see a problem with that. I do. He only told me _after_ we had already passed by Lake Calenhad. Where his battle with the darkspawn nearly killed him, and did kill his brethren. I am going to be running all around the whole of Fereldan all over again!

I mean it would have been far to convenient to tell me before we pass it, or even as we are passing it. Oh no! He waits a whole day after we have passed it to tell me. Dumbass! If this is the way of the Qun I will keep my crazy Andrastians.

Why can't people tell me these things in advance? This whole journey would be a lot simpler if they would just spill their guts to me. For crying out loud, I have all of Fereldan making up rumors of my supposed exploits and marriage!

I'm still trying to figure out if I am actually betrothed or not. He never actually asked me to marry him after all. Yet, he declared undying love and all that claptrap so it must mean something. Still, he went and spoke to Leliana in a rather friendly manner…

UGH! Why was I so eager to get into a relationship?

"C'mon. Who ate the cabbage?" Wait, What?

"Why ask me?" Oh eww. What is wrong with these people? All they talk about is gas and sex!

"I guess you thought we could all share in the bounty?" Oghren, you are way too delighted by this.

Sten sighs at him and I snort with agreement. Dwarves are gross, if Oghren is anything to go by. I may be using an unfair standard of measure, but who knows. Oghren could be one dwarf renowned for his manners.

I laugh heartily at my own thought.

"Stand up to it, you giant ass! You've birthed a cloud to be proud of!" My lips twitch because this is rather reminiscent of living with unknown males most of my life. I suppose anywhere that boys will be boys.

"Humph." Oh! Guilty!

"I hope you've thought of a name. Whew." Ok, ok, you have had your fun Oghren it can't be that bad…

Until I caught a whiff of it when the wind changed. So on day six I almost kill Sten…purely out of self-defense.

OoOoOo

Here I am on day seven of what I can only call the worst week of my life. The snickers and innuendo have somewhat abated. I have tripped half my party members for their stellar commentary, gotten into a magical duel with Morrigan right after breakfast, avoided Cullen with the best of my abilities, and I have accidentally managed to poison Dog.

Now most of these things can be explained by my upset mood. Dog was truly an innocent victim of my carelessness. I did not guard my herb pouch as closely as I should have and he hate a few things that were less than ideal…yeah, I feel bad about that.

On a positive note, the magical duel with Morrigan was enlightening. She can transform into giant animals. I can use a sword now. Oh yeah, it was better than sex.

Not sure if that is saying much at this point.

Speaking of Cullen, I glance back at him. Once more he is speaking with Leliana. I narrow my eyes at them. What in the name of magic are they talking about? I feel a sudden surge of self-consciousness when they gesture to me several times. Oh that little song-whore, I am going-

Alistair's firm grip on my shoulder stops me. I turn to look at where he is pointing.

Huh. I thought a place called 'Haven' would be…nicer.


	19. Chapter 19

**Many thanks to those that have read and to those that have reviewed.**

**Rated M. I own nothing.**

**Enjoy!**

OoOoOo

"What are you doing in Haven?" Oh the usual…working on my verbalism and wondering if my lover is trying to sample some rancid forbidden fruit. "There is nothing for you here." What? Say it isn't so! I was planning on building my summer home here. The location is simply stunning. "I suggest you and your companions leave." How could I ever leave you ? I am so enraptured by your sunny demeanor.

"Did it just get a lot colder? Or is it just me?" Nope, not just you Alistair. I have the feeling someone relieved themselves in his breakfast. Or inbreeding seems to have taken it's toll.

The first thing that enters my mind after we passed the rudest guard in existence, was who in the fade is that creepy child? I mean honestly. What sort of small boy just stands there with a vacant and scary placid smile on his face? I don't think I like Haven.

Haven makes me want to wet my knickers.

I chat with the little boy and his responses seem…off, but slightly alright. Then the freaky like shit pulls out a finger bone and shows it to me! Holy Fade! There is something _extremely_ wrong with this place. That is not a rabbit bone… damn it my second inspection only heightens my fears…yep….still a human finger bone.

Well slap me in armor and call me a templar…there is a place that is worse than the tower. Oh, that is just plain wrong. The creepy child has a smirk to his ears and saying this will be our little secret. I suddenly know why some species choose to eat their young. A little lye and I am sure we could feed him to Dog or Oghren without too much fuss.

I never want to have kids.

I inch closer to Cullen who seems mildly surprised at my seeking his protection. Say one word and I swear to Andraste's triple chin, that I will make you regret it. Cullen seems to like my closeness and stands a bit straighter. Ok, mister hot-shot, you and I have had intercourse _once_ that doesn't make you a stud out to pasture or anything.

Especially since you have been rather friendly with the tart lately. Yes, you know what one I'm talking about. The most heavily breasted bard in all of Theadas who acts like she has a heart of gold. She will steal your soul out of your crotch. I firmly believe that she must be part succubus. An incredibly unattractive succubus to boot…

Whore.

I felt Alistair nudge me and I stare at him in irritation. Would words really kill you? Really? I know you can speak. You get a bit tongue-tied on occasion, but you can belt out words like a damn poet if it involves arguing with Morrigan. So that is why I am confident you can take the minimal effort involved with uttering sound. Then you simply move your mouth into a shape and form of word. Gasp!

Royal bastard. Some of us bruise easily.

Does no one think about the leader? No one? Do you know how often I have to duck behind you during battle? It is exhausting! I have scrapped my knees more times than I care to count and don't even get me started on how many times my shoulders have ached from casting protecting spells on you.

I don't even know how it happens, but they nudged me toward the door of someone's house. I don't think we should be in here. I am pretty sure there are laws against us just walking right in…

Ok, I guess we are going in then. Assholes. I am not getting arrested because of you people. Do you know what they do to women like me in prison? Do you? I would not make a good prison bride.

Why does this place reek of blood? I turn slowly to my right to see an alter. I feel my stomach drop into my feet. Well damn me. Blood…

Oh eww! "Don't lick that!" I hiss at Dog. You are not licking me again. I know where that tongue has been. It would seem that I am the only one that cares about hygiene. I'm not surprised really, disappointed yes, but not surprised.

"'Tis human blood." Thank you Morrigan, those of use with two wits to rub together gathered as much. Where would I be without your shrewd deductions?

I fight the urge to snort at her. "Things are not what they seem in this place." Oh don't give me that look Morrigan, at least mine wasn't the most useless comment I have ever heard. We both know its true, don't deny it.

These people of Haven have a highly advanced alarm system. I mean it is astounding. We had barely set foot outside when a mass of twenty people; all who must have been rogues because they were not there thirty seconds ago; come straight at us on the attack.

I killed the creepy little boy first. Still never having children. Leliana, Alistair, Wynne, and Cullen all begged for the Maker's forgiveness. Yeah…it feels very weird to stand around with the others and try not to look bored over the whole thing. I think I have become callous. Or I just don't feel remorse over killing someone carrying someone else's bone in their pocket. Semantics.

I half-heartedly attempt to wipe the blood off of my face and we turn to go up a ridiculously steep incline. It would seem that the inhabitants of Haven either adore unnecessary exercise, or they are not intelligent enough to level the path. Either way does not bode well for me. I will be up against murderous strong men, or murderous idiots. Oh wonderful.

We start up the path and there is the eerie sound of silence, a few people come streaming down the slope at us, which my big sword-wielding friends take care of quiet nicely. I think I am up against murderous idiots, because only idiots would charge downhill on someone pointing a sword uphill. Dead dumbasses.

A strangely in tune version of the chant is being sung. I already know something is terribly terribly wrong with this picture. _No one _sings the chant in tune with several others. _No one._ I am uneasy and I glance over to Alistair who looks just as upset as I am. We pass what I can only assume is a tavern, and we end up wading through even more people that mysteriously just appear in large circular groups. It is the strangest thing I have ever seen. Random groups of people just littered around a village that is obviously too small to house all of them. I think I can see why they went nuts. Overcrowding.

Is that why this place is so damn depressing? Or is it the exceedingly bad magic of their crazy ass mages? It could be both, I will be generous.

Who the fade designed the village to put the damn Chantry on top? My lungs are on fire as we make the last leg of the climb up. I'll kill whoever made this decision, and whoever built the damn tower in a circle. Both of them will meet an excruciating end. Something with leeches and a basket of figs. Yeah, you don't want to think about it.

Finally we push through the doors and I fidget nervously. I hate chantries. I abhor them. Mages and chantries do not mix it is like putting a mabari next to a rabbit. I have the overwhelming urge to rip the inside of the place apart, piece by piece if possible. However, my lover would most likely not like that. And he is _mine_ you hooker-biscuit, I still have my eyes on you.

"…We are blessed beyond measure." With a creepy village and undead children. Blessings abound then. "We are chosen by the holy and beloved to be her guardians." Hey…uh…why does the Revered Mother sound like a man? Oh Maker, it is a male revered mother! Can they do that? I stare quizzically at Alistair, he shrugs and Cullen looks slightly annoyed. What? We are going to kill them all anyway so there is no need to be perturbed that the chantry leader or cult leader…had different body parts. "This sacred duty is given to us alone." I don't like the sounds of that. "Rejoice my brethren and prepare your hearts to receive her." I'll pass, but thank you. Scary damn inbred villagers. "Lift up your voices" No! No more singing! I am so sick of singing! Have you ever traveled with a bard? I weep in stark relief every time I have a nightmare because it stops the singing. "And despair not." Too late. "For she will raise her faithful servants to glory with her-" Who in the name of magic are we talking about? If we are talking about me, I am not taking you anywhere. You all can just die here.

"Excuse me." Murderous bastards. "What is going on here?" Manners are the epitome of grace. Or when you can't think of anything witty to say.

"Ah…welcome. I heard we had a visitor wandering about the village." Oh come on….my companions are standing right here. They can hear you. As much as it pains me to say it; they count too. Mostly. "They did not tell me that it was the infamous Grey Warden." How does everyone know it's me? Honestly I didn't take Zevran up on the offer to tattoo 'Grey Warden' across my forehead. The slightly less creepy man then trails his eyes over Alistair. "And this must be your templar husband." I gasped, really I couldn't help it. They thought it was Alistair now? That is too rich. I can hear mutterings behind me. "The one they say you traveled into the very bowels of the Black City to save." Oh not this crap again. "Then they said that Andraste herself watched you fight back the darkness single-handedly and thought you so courageous that she married you two in the eyes of the Maker for all eternity." All eternity? Oh fade no. I am not eternity-ing with anyone. I need my space on occasion. "I can see the tale is not exaggerated that you and he make a very striking couple." He tipped his head at us and I nearly sputtered. Alistair and I? Alistair is flushed to his hairline and I am embarrassed as well. Oghren makes the comment that the templar looks like he is going to explode."Where are my manners? Have you enjoyed your stay so far?"

You can't just spit that out and then turn around and ask if I liked my stay!

"I found bloodstained alters, knives. What's going on?" I wince as I blurt out the first thing that came to mind. I hope that sounded commanding enough.

"This, my brothers, is what happens when you let an outsider in the village!" We kill almost all of your villagers? I hate to break this too you but this smattering of people next to you is all that is left of your precious Haven. Suck it. "They have no respect for our privacy." Yes, because that should be the number one concern on my mind when you have freaky children carrying bones around. "She will tell others of us if we let her." I'm sorry, did you just say _let_ me? Let me? Me? Oh you have no idea who you are messing with. "Word will spread, and then what?" No it won't. This stops here. All your concerns are duly noted and ignored. "You strangers do not understand our ways." Oh I think we might have figured some of them out. "You would bring war to Haven in your ignorance." Ok, two things. One…I already brought war to Haven and Haven has lost. Two…no one calls me ignorant except for me!

"You're right about me brining war on you. You deserve it." I hiss at him and start casting my first glyph. Oh come on, we all know where this is going.

"We don't owe you any explanations for our actions." You're right, you don't. Your life will do nicely. "We have a sacred duty. Failure to protect her would be a greater sin. All will be forgiven." Not bloody likely.

The room exploded into action and I was the first one to cast off. I watch in satisfaction as the armored men with swords went flying backwards like little toys. It's good to be a mage.

I took on the Revered male Mother myself. Why are there so many magic users outside the Circle? They would have you think that escaping the templar's is a hard thing, but everywhere I turn there are renegade mages and spell casters. The Chantry sucks at their job.

I vote we get rid of them entirely.

Then the room went quiet and I look around. I looted the body of the Revered male Mother and I kicked it for good measure. What? Like I'm the only one who was thinking it. See? Morrigan did it too.

We started to head out when Wynne reminded me that we needed to find Brother Genitivi. Right, that is why we were here in the first place. For some reason it completely slipped my mind. I groan that he had better be in here because I am _not_ going through all of their homes for this.

Screw the Arl. If he wants the ashes that badly he can get off his half-dead ass and get them himself.

The rustle and pitiable moan draw me from my ranting. Damn. He's in here somewhere. I sigh and we start checking the walls. Why the walls? Because somehow there is always a hidden door, or trap door, or some way to go beyond what we can see. Go outside for three days, you will see what I mean. Haven can't smooth out a slope but they can build a hidden door and a secret room. It was a badly concealed hidden door that took us only four minutes to find because the walls were all tan brick. The hidden door was grey brick.

So murderous idiots then, it's official. Oh look. A man lying prone on the floor in agony…how upset would Zevran be if I asked him to raid the body. What? Oh fine.

"Who are you? They've sent you….to finish it?" Uh… no. I'm actually your rescuer. Pay no attention to the hand signals I am giving the elf.

"I'm Solona. I am here to help you." Well, not really _you_. More like the rich and powerful Arl who is most likely going to place Alistair on the throne…wait…did what the Revered male Mother said count? Ooh! Do I get to be queen?

Clam down Solona, you are dating Cullen. Cullen, who is glaring angrily at the back of Alistair's head.

"You don't know how glad I am to see someone who isn't from this village." No, I think I might. One look tells me the leg is broken when he groans at me again. Great. Who has material for a splint? "The leg's not doing so well and I can't feel my foot." I am sorely tempted to ask him 'What foot', but that seems like it might be in bad taste right now.

You're getting bandages and you will like it.

"Thank you that…that feels much better." You're damn right it does. I am a healer after all. I'm just not going to use magic on you. I don't know why, I just don't feel that it is an option.

"You're welcome." I say magnanimously.

"I don't have time to rest now." Who the fade said anything about rest. Get your patched butt up and let's go. "The Urn is just up the mountain."

You're shitting me. The damn thing exists? Oh sure Maker, you festering boil, your crispy harlot is real but you can't stop all of Theadas from assuming that I am running around marrying templars or almost templars.

Well…they are cute templars. Very cute templars. Ok, I forgive you the one transgression.

"I need to find the ashes. Arl Eamon gets sicker by the day." And I am getting sicker by the moment at the awed looks on faces of Cullen, Alistair, and Leliana. Then again Leliana's face just makes me ill.

"My research lead me to Haven." Hurlock testicles man! I don't need to hear about how you got here. I have your damn notes! "And I heard the villagers talking, I know the Urn is here." Bah! Talking can be so misleading. Currently I am married to Cullen and Alistair in the minds of some people. Oh…bad mage thought. "Haven lies in the shadows of the mountain that holds the Urn." Shh! You are ruining my bad thoughts….I giggle. "There is an old temple there built to protect it." Of course there is. Like no one saw that coming. "The door is always locked, but I know what the key is." A sarcastic mind with a penchant for witty commentary? "Elrick wears a medallion-"

"This Medallion?" I am not dragging this out if I don't have too.

"Yes, that is the key. Take me to the mountain side and I will show you." Fine, but you are not joining my group. I am out of tents and bedrolls. No more! I am not taking another damn companion with me. They are too much fading trouble.

"Alright. Let's leave now." Maker preserve me, If I have to take one more companion I will scream.

"Why didn't you contradict that Elrick character?" What is going on here? I look back to see Cullen asking Alistair as we leave the chantry with brother Genitivi. Uh-oh.

"Why didn't you?" The almost templar shot back. I sense impending doom.

"It would not have been right to embarrass the Warden in front of so many." That's the best you've got? Honestly?

"Well, _Solona_ and I have an understanding as Wardens. I didn't question the insane man because she is in charge." Alistair grinned at Cullen mockingly. What….are you two doing?

"_Solona_ and I are betrothed." Cullen growled menacingly. Well that answers that question I suppose. But where do you get off being upset? You have been hanging off the whore-biscuit all day. For several days!

"I know." Alistair said quietly. "But there might be hope for me yet." I felt my eyes boggle. What? I thought you liked Leliana? I start to hyperventilate. Maker! All of them? All of them want me? Oh I feel sick.

No pressure or anything. Just save the world and be a Grey warden Commander. Don't worry about every man you travel with trying to be your lover. No worries!

"How so?" Cullen growled out.

"You might not survive in the Grey wardens." Hey! We are not supposed to talk about the joining until he is about to undergo it. And no insinuating that he is not going to survive it!

"Neither might you, no? Then the poor dear will just have to turn to the charms of the assassin." Oh I don't need this. I really don't.

"Wait. You are _that_ Grey Warden?" Brother Genitivi, so help me I will break your leg again if you displease me. "You are the one that saved Orzammar from the worst civil war in recorded history? The Warden that untied all the bands of the Dalish under your command?" That's one way of putting it. "The Warden that stole the heart of Bann Teagan?"

What the fade…is wrong with all of these men? I have spent all my life in a tower where no one looked at me twice, except apparently for Cullen, and outside of the tower I am being inundated with suitors. Maker you son of a bitch! Where was this when I was a gangly teenager? I could have used this!

"Why is everyone after _my_ future wife?" Cullen nearly spat venom as he asked.

Morrigan…don't…you….dare. "'Tis the fact she is a deadly sex goddess?"

I'm still not killing Flemeth for you.


	20. Chapter 20

**ATTENTION: IT WOULD SEEM THAT THE SECOND HALF OF THE CHAPTER NEVER UPLOADED, SO I RELOADED IT. YGRAIN33 THANKS FOR BRINING THAT TO MY ATTENTION. **

**Thanks to all who review. And here were go again!**

**Rated m, NSFW, and I own nothing.**

**Enjoy**

OoOoOo

What the fade is with this place and slopes! No more damn steep, make me wheeze like no tomorrow, slopes! Who decided that Andraste had to be buried on top of a bloody mountain anyway? No wonder Fereldan is always getting attacked by other countries! I'm pissed at our choice of architecture too!

We finally make it to the temple doors and I lean against a pillar to catch my breath. I am feeling slightly less embarrassed by puffing because those that are in heavy armor are really suffering. I think Oghren has passed out because Sten is dragging him. I know it is very taxing on everyone because Alistair, Cullen, and Zevran are too tired to argue.

Ah. I see the point of steep slopes now.

Although, I do have to make the argument that Templar's are exceedingly adorable when they try to guard you; Cullen had started at the bottom of the slope doing his best to stick to me as closely as my shadow…he didn't make it that far up the path before that became an nigh on impossible task.

Still sweet though, but if that bard-tart comes near him one more time to ask if he is alright I will scratch her eyes out. I really need to ask Oghren how someone goes about starting a brawl.

"Here we are. Give me the medallion." Whoa! I saved your feeble ass and you will show me manners. If I had enough wind in me to poke you with my staff I would. "Let's see if I remember." Remember what? Have you been here before? No, you told me you hadn't so what the fade do you have to remember.

Shit…I might have another Branka on my hands. I sigh. Well, let me get the lyrium potions out…

"Yes…you see." Uh, no Ser, I really don't. "It can be manipulated, just like this…" Wow, you are very creepy when you mutter. "And there! A key to open the way."

What do you want? Are you expecting me to clap or something? This is why I brought you in the first place. I don't thank Leliana for opening chests or Sten for crushing our foes. This is you task. Congratulations you managed to put a key in a lock. You are a grand scholar indeed.

Wait…."How did you know how to do that?" I ask suspiciously. How did he know that the pendant was a freaking key? It just looked like a tacky neck adornment.

"There are very few keys like this left in the world." Should I pause to look shocked? Here I go…stunned face! "But I have seen some." Of course you have. Maker why in your name do you seem to just drop exactly the person I need into my hands.

Really, you can stop at anytime and oh I don't know, say….STOP THE BLIGHT INSTEAD! Ass!

"When you have the right combination.." He continued and I stared hard at the stupid key. "It just feels right, I can't explain it." Well, that is because it is magic numb nuts. Crap…now I want to touch it. Must…control…fingers….of….touching…"Now let's see if we can open this door. There must be some place to insert this."

I glanced back at Oghren and Zevran. Apparently we were all thinking the same thing because we snickered nearly in unison.

Oh joy…a crappy run down structure with stalagmites and stalactites running rampant through a thick layer of fog. Well, now I know why no one comes to see the burned bint is because this place sucks. Didn't that Elrick person claim that they were watching over her? They are worse at there job then the Chantry!

And that is saying something.

Yeah, ok, sure. Just go ahead there brother Genitivi, don't worry that there might be more crazy cultists, or traps. No! You're fine really! Fading dumbass. I fight off the wave of pain that comes from another headache at the stupidity of people. It's simply fascinating.

"What I would have given to see this hall in all it's splendor, as it was meant to be…" Oh I'd say about 50 silver. I give a cursory glance around, still not impressed. "Still, seep away the ice and snow and traces of beauty remain." With _impossibly _high ceilings. Who the fade did they thing was going to come in here; The Arch demon itself? Why in the world would you need a ceiling to be that high? This is nearly as bad as Orzammar. Four foot tall inhabitants and 180 foot tall buildings.

Does no one think of practicality anymore? "Yea, Yea, get moving you old geezer…" I muttered under my breath.

Wynne gave me a sharp look. "What did you say Warden?" You have the hearing of a bat when it suits you I swear.

I put on a sweet smile. "I said he should stay here, it would be easier." And…bat my eyes….oh yea, she bought it.

"I'm sorry….what?" See? He wasn't even paying attention. "I was a little distracted." And I'm a mabari. "I apologize." Then he prattled on about 'Andraste' and her 'life'. She lived, she got it on with the Maker, her husband betrayed her, and she died. I think I have heard this one before.

"Studying that might keep you out of trouble for a bit." Let's get going. I have to go take some dead woman's ashes. I still don't know how I feel about carrying part of a infamous dead woman around.

Religion is weird.

"Go. I will be alright. Perhaps my destiny was only to lead you to the Urn." And ruin my life. Thanks for the tip about Bann Teagan though. I wasn't planning on setting foot in Redcliffe again.

"Thank you. You've been a great help." I ooze distaste in every syllable.

"Bah! It's my job." I was being sarcastic you sodding moron! "Just be careful, that is all I ask. The temple is…perilous." Really? With crazy cultists and who knows what of ancient long-forgotten magic? I never would have seen that coming! What would I do without you? Moron. "I'll be right here if you need me."

Somehow, I don't think that will be an issue.

We start out in the stupidly wide entry way and make our first turn down the hallway to our left. Huh…dead body. Well…that doesn't seem like a _good_ sign. Is it just me or is Fereldan covered in dead bodies? We leave him alone and proceed to the door. Oh Genativi you lying ass! You said no one was supposed to be here!

Fading cultists. Ugh! Why do most of them have magic? I am already irritated with this place and we have only been here five minutes. The would-be attackers drop like flies around us and we leave that hallway and go for the next.

"Old books." Very astute Alistair. "You think any of those might still be readable?" I am genuinely startled. Alistair can read? Well, learn something new every day!

"Oh. I could spend all day in here." No, Wynne, we have to go save the Arl who has been near death for almost a month. Huh…he better still be alive after all the crap we are going through on his behalf. If he dies I'm going to be pissed and Isolde is going to have an 'accident'.

Yeah, you heard me.

Hallway, people, dead people, doors; doors, dead people, people, more dead people, and hallways. Who made this place! I take only what we need or will fetch a high price and I am still filling up all of our packs. How much stuff do they have on them? Maker! We finally made it to the damn main hall door. Which is locked.

"Son of a whore!" I swear as I try the door again.

"Yes?" Zevran asks me smiling. Oh…right…sorry. "Perhaps I can try?" he bumps me out of the way and proceeds with his lock-picking. He breaks three tools before he gives up. I have Leliana try the same to no avail.

I groan. "That means someone, or some body, has the key." I hate touching dead people. Call it a phobia or what have you, but dead is _dead!_ I don't like touching a mound of yet-to-be-rotted flesh.

Gross.

I grumble the whole way through the halls once again. Who, by Andraste's saggy cleavage, didn't take a key when they saw one. I bet it was Leliana, she is airheaded enough. We check every body, and every nook or cranny we can see. We finally find the key back on a bastard in a hallway that leads to two rooms with beds and doors.

I just had a wonderful idea! "Ok we need rest. These doors lock so we can split into males and females and sleep." I grin at the relieved faces of my companions. Killing takes a lot out of you. "Sten, could you make sure that no one gets killed in your room?" I pointed to the three dubious looking males.

"As you wish, Kadan." I blinked. What the heck was a Kadan. That had better not be some kind of euphemism. Satisfied I return to the allotted 'female' room. Now, I leave it up to Wynne or Morrigan to make sure that the song-slut and I don't have a problem.

Oh Maker…please let us have a problem! My magic itches for it.

OoOoOo

Bored! So very bored. Here we are unlocking the main door and heading toward the next area. Sadly Leliana has not tired anything…I'm holding it hope though. I just need one excuse. Just one and it will be so amazingly sweet. I just know it.

The next area is surprisingly smaller than the first. Did they run out of budget, or did someone get a clue that a monstrosity such as this would be horrid to heat? I shudder to think of all the fire wood, lamps, wicks, and fuel needed. Dear Maker! Is this where all the Chantry donations go? How wasteful.

Alistair is starting to annoy me. As does everyone who has the audacity to keep trying to tell me what every damn statue is. I don't care! Yes, Andraste had a husband who betrayed her. My tears shall form a new sea for the poor blessed wench. There are caverns coming off of the main parts of the temple and more rooms that seem to be encompassed entirely by the stalactites.

Did I mention that it is odd that the majority of these cultists seem to be mages? I have to admit that having two templars is _incredibly_ handy. If they would only learn not to drain the magic of the three mages in their group, we would be spectacular.

Asses.

Hm…does anyone else hear really heavy breathing?

Damn it all to the fade and back! How in Theadas are there so many dragons! Granted they are little bitty ones that are still the size of Dog, but dragons! Maker's pimpled ass! Oh…lovely…simply wonderful…drakes. I fading hate drakes!

The Arl better be worth all of this shit. I kid you not Maker, if the Arl is as useless as a flower on the side of the roadway, I am just going to lay down and let the Blight have Fereldan.

I mean it! All of these Drakes and niches with more Dragons and dragonkin are just pissing me off. Turn here, then go back the way we came because we have gone the wrong way. I have explored just about every room in this whole damn stupid, Andrastian, pain in the ass, temple! I have been shot at, I have been hexed, and I have been smote. Alistair you know exactly what I am talking about.

In short, I hurt in muscle groups that I didn't even know existed. There have been traps I have dodged. I have fought Ash wraiths. Who the fuck hides Ash Wraiths in chests? What sick sort of bastard does that?

Fereldan can just suck my- who the fade are you?

"Stop you will go no further!" I narrow my eyes at the interloper. I am covered head to toe in blood, none of which is my own, and you think you can stand up to me? You have no idea what you are dealing with.

"Who are you?" I snap out irritated and hungry. I have blood pooling down my robe and it has gotten into my smalls. It is really disturbing because it is cold in here and the blood starts out warm and I can then feel it dry. I don't even want to imagine having to scrub all of this off of me. Icky.

"You do not have the right to demand my name." Oh no. No. I know for a fact this little bitch did not just say that to me. "You have defiled our temple." Not yet, but you can bet your ass I am going to. The second I am semi-clean and I have a moment's privacy I am ravishing Cullen right on the steps. On the steps I say! "You have spilled the blood of the faithful, and slaughtered our young." Aw. You noticed? How sweet of you. The fact I am a walking blot clot means virtually nothing, I am so glad you are perceptive. "No more. You will tell me now intruder why you have done this." Because you asshat, I'm the fading Grey Warden Commander of Fereldan. Please over look the fact that I only Command one other Grey Warden and one recruit. "Why have you come here?" Um..Why are you suddenly right in my face? Seriously, our noses are almost touching.

Nope. You get nothing without giving me something Ser. "Tell me your name." I reply coolly "And I will tell you why I am here." That is not a guarantee. I might just kill you, but let's see where this goes.

He bows to me. Finally, some manners. "I am Father Kolgrim, Leader and Guide to the Disciples of Andraste." Oh what a coincidence, I'm here to get her ashes. Please show me the way to the urn and I will be out of your hair; you creepy, cultist, bastard. "Kill us and you will face Andraste." Oh no, what is she going to do? Spread her soot on me? "She will smell our blood and the blood of her children on you and her wrath" And I am shaking to the bottoms of my dragon skin covered boots.

"What are you talking about?" I hate conversing with crazy people, but they seem to come around me in droves. Cullen inches closer toward me. I'm still going to 'defile' this temple with him later. I'll show that whore-biscuit who he belongs to.

"The Might of the Reborn Andraste!" I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. Great, just great, I get stuck with the looney of the cultists. Fantastic, and people wonder why I don't claim a religion. "She is so much more now. She is even more glorious than the old Gods combined." I'm going to kill you. I know I'm going to. Can't I just get this over with? "The prophet Andraste has overcome death itself and has returned to her faithful in a form more radiant than you can imagine!"….uh…the wench is dead. What part of _dead_ has you confused? I look to my companions who all shrug. Cullen looks like he is about to faint.

Oh yeah, this probably is sacrilegious for you.

Father Kolgrim still isn't done yet. Maker! Why must these villains monologue so damn much? "Not even the Tevinter Imperium could hope to slay her now. What hope do you have?"

I sneer at the man. I really don't have time for this crap. Truly, I have a man that has been teetering on the brink of death for a while now. I feel that I should hurry.

"And what has happened to the ashes?" Tell me what I need to know and go away.

He eyed me warily. "They are still within this temple," great just point me in the right direction and I shall return later to kill you. "But why do we need ashes when we serve the risen Andraste in all her glory?" I have no idea. Why doesn't your 'Andraste' pop out of thin air and just heal the Arl for me? Hm? Then shut up and sit down! "So you are after the ashes then." Nope, just stopped to see the famous gardens of the lost temple! Dumbass, of course I am here for the ashes. "Perhaps there is a way for you to make up for your desecration of our home and temple?" What do you want, for me to bake you some cookies? I'll desecrate where I like.

"Why are you so interested with cooperating with me?" I never trust a deranged lunatic in the middle of a long forgotten place. Call me overly cautious.

His eyes pursue me in such a way that I felt even more naked than that night in the Deep Roads with Cullen. "It may be because I believe in second chances. All of us stumble through the darkness before being found and shown the light. Perhaps, through Andraste's mercy, her greatest enemy will become her greatest Champion." Ha ha! Go ahead pull the other one. Really, what do you want psycho man? "Perhaps through redemption you can be worthy of a place within our order, and as a bride to one of our men, helping to replenish the folds of our worship."

Wait, what? Cullen is seething. His voice is tight and harsh. "She is already set to be someone's bride." He hissed with vigor "_Mine."_

Father Kolgrim arched a brow at Cullen. You heard the man; I'm spoken for, so sod off. Kolgrim turned to me and asked "I am certain I could find one within our ranks that would be a much more suitable match."

"There will be no one but me." Cullen pushed me behind him and stood up to his full height, towering slightly over Father Kolgrim. "This Warden will be my _wife._ If you speak so much as one more word to insult her honor I will strike you down where you stand."

I love it when he acts all 'Templar'.

"Warden? As in 'the' warden?" Yes, you have figured it all out, my first name is 'The'. Uh-oh the crazy gleam in his eyes just got worse. "Perhaps you are a greater gift than I would have believed." Ew. I feel violated.

"I warned you." Cullen hissed and drew his weapon. We were immediately launched into battle. I'm sorry, but this is very hot. I know I have been angry with you for a while now, but I am so using you to defile this temple.

I'm a bad, bad mage and I love it.

The battle is a bit longer than normal for us as we caver are way through the zealots one by one. Father Kolgrim falls at my feet and take a lady-like moment to spit on him. What? No one was watching and he said 'all will be forgiven.' If he didn't mean the desecration of his corpse he really should have been more specific.

The ice and snow settle and our enemies lay dead. Excellent, it is just another Monday for the brave Grey Warden and companions. Once more I get the lovely sensation of cold drying blood on my body. I grimace as my the others start sheathing their weapons as my earlier thoughts of defilement of a certain templar, yes you dear, have also lead me to realize that we are decidedly not alone.

Hm.

"Cullen." I try to make my voice sound upset. I don't want the others getting any ideas or interrupting. "I need to speak with you." And ravish your body in sub optimal temperatures. I'll be gentle…mostly.

"Yes, Warden." I watch his face fall and I have to bite back a smile. I giggle in my head because he will be smiling by the time I'm done. Well he had better be smiling at any rate because I am about to expose my nethers to the cold for his enjoyment. And mine too, I haven't forgotten that point.

I am rather confident that it will be better this time. From everything the other women had ever told me it was the first time that was the most unpleasant and after that should be fine. I am hoping for some of that falling from the stars action.

I level an angry glare at the others, something I have had time to hone to an art. "Alistair, lead forward we will join you shortly." He nodded his head and gave Cullen a gloating glance.

Oh if you only knew. Wow, I am really lecherous aren't I? Yet another thing that adds to my charm!

I lead Cullen a little ways back into the cavern hall. I could hear his footsteps echoing behind me, and I was grinning for ear to ear. I think I am going to like defilement if it is this exciting! Am I worried about getting caught? Yes. Is that going to stop me? Fade no!

Now, I would also like to point out that after the week long silence, I was in desperate need of reassurance. I really don't like the song-slut talking to him all the time and I will speak with him on that later. Right now however…

I turn suddenly and push him against the wall, standing up on my toes to kiss him. The shock fades from him soon enough and he is returning my passion with his own. Got to love a man that rises to the occasion.

My hands fumble to lift up the skirt on his armor. Don't ask me why they thought it was intimidating to have a bunch of my run around in floor-length skirts, but it certainly makes exposing what I want easy! I can feel his breathing quicken and I can't help the smile that forms on my mouth. Which makes it really hard to kiss, let me tell you!

"S-Solona?" His stutter is back and I find that very…thrilling, right now.

"Yes, Cullen?" I smiled and my hands found their way to the laces of his breeches. His face was flushed and his eyes were impossibly wide.

I think I like defilement. Defilement is a wonderful practice that I believe firmly more people should up take.

"What…what are you-?" He stopped short when I clasped his manhood. My, my, so Cullen does have an off switch…or lever if you think about it.

"What am I, what?" I grinned like a cat at him. I am not a practiced lover and I still have no idea what I am supposed to do with this thing, but stoking it seems like a given. I had male friends in the tower and I might have caught one or two conversations that pertained to this.

Oh! Moaning is a good sign.

"But the others…" Aw. You are going to play hard to get? I kissed him again and pressed myself against him. Shh…no one said you could talk. Unless you want to say my name, and then I think I might be persuaded.

He is hard under my hand, and I know I am ready, but I am not exactly sure how to go about this. Do I climb on top of you? Could you lift me up, or something? I think he gets the idea when I whine in the back of my throat. We take a few steps to the other side of the cavern hall, or lips never parting and he is lifting me up.

Have I ever mentioned that I love only having to wear a robe? No? Well I do.

Maybe this is why templar's wear skirts and mages wear dresses. I feel him nibble at my lip and my back is starting to freeze against the cold stone. I let out a little giggle when I see him fumbling with his gauntlets. He nips at my neck in response.

His hands are slightly cold as well on my skin as they trail their way up my thighs. My legs are firmly wrapped around him and it is his weight that keeps me in place. His hands are moving up…

Ah. Where the fade did you learn that? That feels…funny, but funny isn't the right word. It feels really nice. There is a throbbing feeling again between my legs at my core. His fingers are moving in little circles and I am moaning in his mouth.

Cullen seems to be urged on by my response and I grab for him again. It still stings a little when he enters me but it feels much nicer than before. I wiggle and shift trying to ease the discomfort and Cullen growls at me.

He growled at me! Kinky.

Then those wonderful hands are doing something again and I can't keep quiet. I'm calling out his name and gasping. He starts to move and I am whispering the dirtiest things I can think of to him. I don't think even I knew half of those words, but Cullen seems to really like them.

Fade, I really like this. The pace quickens and his hands are on my breasts and he's kneading in all the right places and I try to move with him. It's really awkward to try and move with half of you immobile and the other half being used for support. Still incredibly nice though, and the only part that isn't very nice is the cold. Maker! It is freezing in this damn place. I still can't believe that there is so much ice and sn- Oh! OH!

"CULLEN!" I scream as something that feels like a building wave crashes into me. I keen and wail his name out. I can hear the echo of my cry of pleasure through the hall. Oops…well, so much for discretion!

He seems as surprised as I was, but he looks decidedly smug as he continues. I cling to him as he rides the waves of his own whatever-the-fade-that-was-but-I-want-one-again. He thrusts into me one last time and moans loudly in my ear.

I need to defile him again sometime. Also, now that the pleasure has faded, I am cold and would like to be let down now.

"We had better get back." I smile at him and give him a quick kiss on the forehead. He nods and withdraws. Our skirt and dress respectively fall back into place. Yep, that is definitely the reason we wear these and I am going to make full use of it.

We straighten our clothes and I give him a stern look. "If anybody asks, I was yelling at you for escalating that into a fight."

His smile is slow in blooming but boyish at the same time when he asks me "If I start more fights, will you do this again?"

I might.

OoOoOo

So the guardian of the real temple of Andraste… is an asshole! It would seem that this whole fading time we weren't at her real temple. Oh no! We were at some shitty other temple that leads to her real one. You know, the one where her ashes are….

I can't believe this!

We had to kill a damn high dragon to get in here, which is what I think the cult was worshiping, and now this little spirit prick tells me we have to undergo trials. I think I have had enough trials! Why didn't you get rid of that little cult yourself? Why? I'll tell you why because he is a spirit with no common fading sense!

'I'm here to protect Andraste's ashes' my foot! You can't even clean this place up!

"I bid you welcome pilgrim." It had started out just fine. I thought that he was just going to be like father Kolgirm so I brushed his greeting aside.

"I'm here for the urn of scared ashes." Which I still cannot be happy about, exists.

"You have come to honor Andraste."…..um, sure, whatever you want. I am actually here to take a pinch of her corpse, but hey. "And you shall, if you prove yourself worthy." I fought the urge to give him a rude gesture.

"And If I am not worthy?" I can't help but want to know.

"Then you shall not come to the ashes." I groan. Really? What the fade is with temples? It's 'face a deadly foe' this, and 'are you worthy' that. "It is not my place to decide your worthiness." Then what are you? A personal greeter? "The Gauntlet does that." Your armor? How does your armor judge me? "If you are found worthy you shall see the urn and be allowed to take a small pinch of the ashes for yourself." …you've done this before. "If not-"

"Alright let's get this over with then." I don't really need to explain that, do I?

"Before you go…" Ugh! "There is something I must ask." Of course there is. I sigh…Yes, I am 'that' Grey Warden. "I see that the path that lead you here was not easy." You are one for stating the obvious, aren't you? "There is suffering in your past." Get a load of this spirit. "Your suffering and the suffering of others." Thank you vague fortune giver! "Jowan was discovered by the templars." Uh…how do you know that? HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? "You were helping him." I wince and Cullen stiffens beside me.

I was going to tell you, I swear.

"Tell me, do you think you failed Jowan?" I laugh in my head. Are you serious? I'm still heading back to Redcliffe to kill him!

"No." I retorted quickly. "Jowan brought it upon himself by dabbling in blood magic." Dumbass. Soon, to be dead dumbass. That reminds me, I still have to find that dagger.

"Thank you that was all I wished to know." Great I will be on my way then. "And what of those that follow you?" Hey you said one question! One!

"Cullen, Templar, Knight of the Chantry. You swore to uphold chastity as part of your vows, but now you have sampled the flesh of your love twice, do you think you have failed in your vows?" I blinked. That is extremely personal Ser!

"Twice?" Wynne asked slyly.

I hate omnipotent guardians that see fit to blurt out your sex life.

Asshole!


	21. Chapter 21

**Thanks to the readers, and a special thanks to the reviewers! Some of the dialogue in this chapter was inspired by one such review. You will know who you are. :D**

**Rated M, NSFW, I own nothing.**

**Enjoy! I hope you all had a great thanksgiving!**

OoOoOo

You have _got_ to be kidding me. No, I don't want to guess what the answer to your damn question is. Nor do I want to figure out the other nine or so 'spirits' just standing around in this room, waiting for me to answer them.

Lame.

I sigh as I look to the three companions I was allowed to bring with me. After the nosiest guardian in all of creation decided he was done ripping our most personal feelings out on display, with the exception of Dog, he cordially informed me of two things. One…it was the urn of _sacred_ ashes, not scared ashes. Yeah, I'll cry over that one later, I mean I would be scared if a whole world full of people would soon be poised to come and take a pinch of me at any given moment. Wait. Are they self-replenishing ashes?… and two, I was only permitted to take three people with me.

Because that seems fair…I'm just a creation mage on top of an enormous mountain secured away in the ruins of an ancient temple devised with traps from back when magic was nearly all powerful. Yeah, just taking three people with me seems fair.

Fading Andraste! You go and get yourself all crispified and _I_ have to come take a pinch of your ashes for a man that my once friend poisoned; and your idiotic son made a pact with a demon. I hope the ashes I take were once an eyeball, or something equally vital that would have really hurt had I taken them while you were alive!

My whole life right now sounds like an epic quest that I don't even want a part of! I already ended up with the man everyone wanted me to end up with, not that I am upset about that mind you, but now everyone expects me to save their asses!

Has no one ever heard of helping themselves? Anyone? Oh sod it all, we all know I am going to do it anyway. There had better be something in this for me when it is all over! I want a party with lots of cake and sex afterward….you know what? Forget the party.

Speaking of parties…I look back to see Zevran, Alistair, and Cullen with me. I know what you are thinking, 'Why would you do that Solona?'. Well the answer is really quite simple. I need Zevran for opening locks, and there is no way in the name of magic I am taking Leliana. I brought Cullen because well once again, there is no way I am leaving him with the two-bit bard. Finally, I took Alistair because he desperately wanted to see the ashes and I couldn't say no to the epic pout that he has mastered.

The first spirit asks it's riddle and I look to them for guidance. A sea of blank faces look back at me. Ok…so I will be answering these questions on my own then…thanks. I couldn't place the answer just yet, so I walked away.

Um…let's see…I want to start again with…hm…you. I walk over to a woman with short hair and she babbles on about something the smallest bird can carry, but the strongest man may not. Huh. Well rabies seems like a likely candidate, but I don't think that's what she actually wants. Birds…well they sing and fly.

"A tune?" Great, just what I need, more lessons in the life of the bloody prophetess! I'm a mage curse you! I.. don't… give…a… shit! What part about that was unclear? I know it's a very hard concept for you people, let me simplify it even more.

Go away.

The next spirit prattles on about the backbone of the world, yeah that's a tough one. "Mountains?" I want to reach my hand out and choke the spirit back into the very fabric of the veil. I control these powerful urges, just barely. It is oh so very tempting.

As I am busy figuring out what the answers to these absurd riddles are, my fearless warriors, are busy talking amongst themselves. No, you don't need to help or anything. Yeah, I have this all by myself. Assholes.

Damsel in distress here! …Oh you people suck at being Kinghts.

"So Alistair?" I hear Cullen ask. Sure sweetheart, I don't need your assistance or anything. What the fade is this elf spirit talking about? Hm…I think he means a home…I guess that sounds as good as anything else I am thinking.

"Yes?" He lazily replies and I want to smack them all. I grumble under my breath as the elf spirit begins a tirade about the Dalish. We will be here for a while.

"Correct me if I am wrong, but you said that you were conscripted before you took your vows. Right?" I only half listed to their conversation because the other half of me is slowly trying to kill itself to get away from another speech. I hope I don't give myself brain damage.

"No, you are right. Duncan conscripted me right before my final vows." Go ahead and sound proud of that. You are still the Senior member of the order letting me, the one who has been a Grey Warden for a whopping six months, lead us to our doom…er…salvation.

Oh screw it, I meant doom.

"So then, you're not _actually_ a Templar, are you?" I tense up at the question because this is already a sore spot for Alistair due to Morrigan. Ah. Good times, good times.

Wait. Sorry, I wasn't listening; could you repeat the riddle for me please? Don't give me that look, you have been dead for a very long time now. I'm the best company you can hope to get right now so just ask the damn riddle again. Spirits, are irritating. This whole place just pisses me off!

There had better not be another damn dragon! I swear one more dragon and I am going drinking with Oghren.

"I wouldn't say _that_." Alistair muttered, offended. Oh yea? What would you call it then? Being a temporary service man of the Chantry? "I have been trained in all the ways of being a templar and I have completed all the required studies. Therefore, I am a templar." Eh? No friend, you're really not.

"No you aren't. In order to be a templar you have to take the vows and officially join the ranks as such." Cullen spoke with an air of superiority. "So, really, I am the only templar here."

I could practically feel the steam coming out of Alistair's ears. Oh, and the answer to your riddle is 'vengeance'. How many more of these are there? Was Andraste also a riddle maker in between her exalted marches? "Cullen?"

"Yes?" Well, half of the spirits are gone now and I am almost ready to sigh at the monotony of it all. Couldn't there have been just one spirit with several riddles? Even the Sloth demon was more considerate about this sort of thing!

"Don't you have to keep your vows to be a templar?" I stumble into Zevran, who flashes me a naughty smile. Don't get excited Ser, you are still wonderfully charming by the way. I'm slightly more afraid to eat anything with you nearby, but I'm sure that will pass…

I'm sure it will. Keep your hands where I can see them!

"Well…I…that is…I have been released from them when I was conscripted by you, into the Grey Wardens." I cocked my head to one side, the spirit in front of me looks like a mix between Irving and a barbarian. Huh. Somehow that thought should be more disturbing than it is. That horned helmet could be a good look for the First Enchanter; I'll have to see if I can pick one up on the way back to Lake Calenhad when we look for Sten's sword.

If I have to go all over Fereldan for this blasted sword it had better make him crap lightening in battle.

"So you're not a templar either then. You're an ex-templar. That means there are not true templars in our group." He he he. I can attest that he is a _true_ Templar where it counts…

Wow. I really need to spoke hanging around Oghren and Zevran. They have warped my fragile little mage mind. I was innocent once, I swear!

"I suppose. It is still better than being a would be-templar at any rate." Hey! Just because I said I might defile you again if you pick a fight does not mean starting one with other party members! Bad Cullen! Bad Cullen! No nookie for you!

"I don't like you." Eh? I turned back and gave them both a stern look, which they summarily ignored as they were too busy glancing at each other. I'm not invisible you know. I will remember this the next time you two are hurt. Oh no, I won't forget.

"I'm glad we understand one another." Finally! The last stupid riddle is over and done with. IF that was the test then I am very happy to finally get a pinch of the dead wench from the pot.

….

….

….

Jowan….how did you get out of your Cell? Better yet, how did you beat me here and where in damnation did I put that dagger! Then reality sets in and I realize that can't be the real Jowan because the real Jowan is going to suffer a long and slow death by disembowelment.

What? Like you weren't thinking the exact same thing…

So I tentatively take a step closer to the Jowan doppelganger, and it turns toward me. Well, you certainly look like Jowan. Hm…Jowan is not an attractive man. I giggle as I think back to a conversation Zevran had with the loose-lute player. Jowan has a 'Butter' face. Muwahahaha…oh…I'm still going to kill him.

"Had fun with the riddle game?" You certainly _sound_ like Jowan. I blinked at the question though. What the crap was this?

"You're not Jowan." I said firmly and felt the members of my party tense for an attack. Really? You thought he somehow escaped Redcliffe and got all the way past the cultists and dragons alone? Maker's soggy balls, I need to teach these people common sense.

"I didn't think I'd fool you." I sigh. Why does everyone do so much bloody talking? "But am I really a spirit?" No. You're a dumbass is what you are. The real Jowan is locked up in the keep of Redcliffe. "Or is this all in your mind?" I don't really have terrible riddles combined with education on the history of Andraste in my mind. Nice try though. "Are you in the Fade, perhaps?" Not likely. Demons usually want to trap mages by their desires or wishes. You were never on that list buddy. "Honestly" Honesty? I think I might expire from shock! "I don't know. I am Jowan. I am you." Creepy… "All these statements are true."

Still creepy…

"And what is your purpose here?" Other than making me paranoid over ever doing a private task like bathing again. Are there spirits just loitering about watching me all of the time or pulling on my memories? I have one in here about an awkward situation with a senior enchanter, a vat of wine, and lip ointment if you want it.

"To speak to you and offer advice." Oh this ought to be good.

"You have come far since I last saw you." Wait. You just said you were me. How far have I come from a second ago? I feel another migraine coming on. Religion is seriously confusing. "The last vestiges of your shielded life in the Circle have all but fallen away." Does everyone know I have had sex? Is it really that hard to believe that I, Solona Amell the Commander of the Grey Warden's, got laid? Well, I did, and I liked it. "I have something for you?" Is it the rite of tranquility? I could use that about now. I don't have one already, so it is an ideal gift. "It makes me happy, knowing that you will be the mage that I never could." Um, this is a little awkward. Actually, this is really awkward. Now I want to kill Jowan with slightly less intensity as before.

Damn it! Spirits don't play fair!

With that the Jowan doppelganger is gone and I am left staring at the item in my hand. I wonder how much I can get for this?

"I think that fellow was simply charming." Zevran I will freeze your under things if you make one smart remark. Ask Alistair, I've done it. "Was he another suitor of yours?"

I blush and avoid his gaze. "No. He was just a friend of mine at one point in my life." I shuffle from foot to foot. "Well anyway, onto the scared ashes."

"Sacred ashes." Alistair corrects me and I can hear the grin in his voice. "They are sacred ashes Solona. How does one scare ashes anyway?"

I'm going to be allowed to take a pinch of them for my own personal use. I have free rights to desecrate the powdered remains of a dead woman. What is _your_ definition of sacred? "Oh it's simple enough." I wave a hand in a carefree manner. "Just tell the ashes you have seen the Grand Cleric naked." It had the desired effect when all the men, including Zevran to my surprise, looked faintly ill. I grinned evilly. "Scared yet?"

"Of all the things I never wanted to think of…" Zevran trails off and gives a shudder of disgust. Yeah, I know.

"Oh come on. All that wrinkled and wizened flesh." I taunted lightly. "Boobs down to her knees, spots in places that used to be up six inches higher thirty years ago, and her dusty vag-"

"ENOUGH! Oh, I should not have had that extra serving of pie for lunch." Zevran cried and placed a hand to his mouth. You had pie, and you didn't share? I let the issue slide. I now have an excellent tool for subjugating the assassin.

As we venture into the next room, I am met with the delightful discovery that we get to fight shadows of ourselves. Hm…

"I call Alistair!" I cried and started to cast my first glyph. I've had a few dreams about this moment, sadly. There have been times when he has forced me limits of my patience and this seems like a gift from the Maker.

Sadistic bastard that he is.

"I'm going to try not to read too much into that." I hear the sarcastic mutter. I wink at Alistair. The other two males snicker.

The fight itself is easy and I am rather proud to say that if the shadow of Alistair is a copy of the real Alistair's power, I would totally kick his ass. The best part is now he knows it too. I love being a mage.

Why is there a gaping hole in the middle of the floor? The entire room is literally one giant hole with two half crescents of stones on either side. Well, even if I could get one of them to throw me across, I really don't think we could all make it.

Alistair don't wander around the room. How many times have I told you to stay put? You are worse than an apprentice mage! Hey…what was that? I see the silhouette of a large stone form above the hole. Well fade and damnation another test. Let me practice my surprised face.

"Ooh. Look at that. I don't think it is solid enough to stand on, but it's a start." I pinch the bridge of my nose. I really wish people would stop stating the obvious. It's like a disease and it is contagious.

"Ahh this looks like a simple enough puzzle." Then you can solve it. "Let's put our heads together." I thought so.

I order the men about and they test several of the plates and soon one piece stands solid in front of us with two more incorporeal outlines showing next to it. Who the fade had time to mess around with this? I mean honestly, who thought 'How can I be a giant dick and mess with pilgrims coming to visit the ashes of the benevolent Andraste, whom I love?" Well congratu-freaking-lations, you succeeded.

"Ooh! A path that looks like it's really there, but it's really a trap! I want one!" Yes, and I want the hooker-bitch Meghan to be slowly eaten alive by demons in the eternal fade…

Oh wait, that one is really happening.

Soon, all the pieces fall into place and a path lies before me. That's right. Me. Guess who gets to cross the bridge? I glower and mutter. The men are standing on all sides of me as I take the first step.

"Solona be careful." I hear Cullen say worriedly.

"Don't worry love." I smile at him and he appears awestruck. What? We both know I am talking out of my ass. You should be very worried. I am most likely going to plummet to my death. I should have been a shape shifter, I wail in my head, and then I could turn into a bird and fly over this Maker-forsaken thing!

"Is that claim enough, assassin?" I can't believe you are gloating at a time like this Cullen! I inch my way across the bridge. I know most people would likely run, but you can go stuff yourselves, I'm inching!

"Hmpf." Zevran tosses his hair in an angry gesture. "She's still not married yet." Zevran leered at me then. Stop it! I'm trying to concentrate about my impending death here! Have I ever mentioned I hate heights? Well it would seem that this oh so lovely pit, is never ending. It is so dark and fathomless, that I feel dizzy and jerk my head up to stare at the door mocking me on the other side.

Halfway there…Dear Maker, let me take a moment to thank you for not letting me die a virgin. Now, _don't let me die!_

"Cullen!" I shouted when I heard the distinct movement of armor. "Don't move!" I know you want to kill Zevran, but let's not kill me in the process alright?

"I wouldn't worry too much Zevran." Alistair happily chimed in. "He still might not live to make it into the Wardens."

Right now? We really have to do this right now? I'm walking over a never-ending pit of death here people! Shut the fade up and stand still! I am nearly cringing with each step as I hear the sound of stones falling. Each step and sound makes me want to cry, I'm too much of a deadly sex goddess for it to end this way!

"Too true my friend. I have faith in fate well enough. I have faith that it is a tricky whore." Why are we talking about Leliana? "I am just so curious about who she will ply her tricks for, yes?" I hopped the last foot onto the solid structure behind the door.

I live! Excuse me while I do my happy dance! Go mage! Go mage!

"That's it! Solona and I are getting married at the next Chantry we come too." Ooh, dance over. What? We are? I don't remember agreeing to this!

"Then I suppose I will just have to win her over by then." Alistair challenged. Uh… You guys do know I am standing right here? Right?

"Ah ha. You are a funny fellow my friend." Zevran coolly replied. "But I think you confused yourself with me for a moment, no?"

"No." The almost-templar growled out.

Still right here, you know, on the other side of the bridge on my way to the ashes? I sigh.

"She's my betrothed! What makes you think you have any right to even _try_ for her affections! She loves _me_. Dear Maker! Why do you two persist? She will never have either of you."

"Ok, I'm just going to go get the ashes." I said calmly, staring at the bickering men.

"She simply must be delusional; I know a number of poisons that would have such a result." The scathing retort burns off of Zevran's lips.

"Guys?" I tried again. "The ashes?"

"_I_ don't need to rely on such devices assassin. A true gentleman knows how to capture the heart of a lady." I rub my temples. Fine, if you don't want to listen then I am just going to go.

"_Gentleman_? I'm twice the-" whatever Alistair was saying was cut off as I meandered my way down the hallway. I am never taking all three of them alone, again. Never.

I came to a smaller entryway with a stone alter and a wall of fire. Uh…that is a serious health hazard. Who just leaves a wall of fire up? I could have been hurt!

The alter has a strange inscription on it stating 'Cast off the trappings of worldly life, and cloak yourself in the goodness of spirit.' What the fade does that mean? Don't tell me I have to go back to the first room and get some dead guy to hang off of me. I continued to read. 'King and slave, lord and beggar, be born anew in the Maker's sight." Born anew? Huh?

Alright, let me think about this. Cast off the trappings of worldly life…and born anew. Well…I came into this world only one way when I was born.

Naked.

It makes sense, I think, cast off and born anew. IF nothing else, at least I can bare it all to the Maker when I tell him to 'Kiss my ass'. I slowly strip down out of my robe, and lay by staff over the alter, with my now discarded robe. Does it have to be all of my clothes? I ponder this. Well it didn't say most of the trappings, did it?

I'm all alone, so I shrug. I really hope this is right or I am going to be burned in places that shouldn't even see daylight. I shiver in the cold of the room, even with the fire. I look down at my chest.

Yes, they are real, and they could cut glass.

I take a deep breath and mumble a few incoherent prayers in my head. One, two, three…I bolted forward and came to a halt pass the fire. That wasn't so bad, you know, being naked is kind of liberating…

"You have-" HOLY SHIT SANDWHICH! Oh, hello Guardian, might you turn around because I am still naked? "been through the trials of the Gauntlet." I think I noticed that. The Urn is right over there, it is pretty self-evident that I reached my destination. Seriously, turn around. "You have walked the path of Andraste." Naked? Andraste walked around naked? Oh, now I get why everyone followed her. "And like her, you have been cleansed." No, I still have a bit of blood on me. See? On second thought, don't look. I would reach for my clothes, but I don't know if that is a no-no or not at this point. "You have proven yourself worthy pilgrim." Uh…thanks…"Approach the Sacred Ashes."

Well, at least he is gone now. I glance around the room and nothing strange happens. Hm. I should just get the ashes and then I can get dressed. I walk up the steps to the urn and I am not impressed. I peer inside and see the person dust. Oh, this is dignified. I take a big pinch and turn back around.

….

….Hi guys….

"Is this a private party, or can anyone join?" Zevran drinks in my naked form and I flush with embarrassment.

Oh, there went Alistair. I wince as his eyes roll back and he falls to the floor. I stared back at Cullen and Zevran horrified.

"The alter told me I had too." I squeak out as quickly as I can. Cullen looks thunderous. I didn't plan this you know.

"I really like this temple!" Zevran continues on happily. "The many wonders of Andraste to be sure!"

"Avert your eyes assassin!" Cullen hissed. I quickly came down the steps and made a grab for my robe. I noticed the wall of flame was gone. Great. I deposited the ashes in a pouch in my bag and shimmied into my robe.

"Do not fret so dear Cullen." The assassin goaded. "My dreams will be very sweet this night." He winked at me and I wanted to die from mortification.

I bury my face in my hands and chant over and over that the alter made me do it.

Cullen looked nonplussed.


	22. Chapter 22

**Ooh! I love you guys! Thank you for all the reading and reviewing!**

**I own nothing, rated M, and….Does anyonw know Cullen's last name? I can't find it anywhere. If there isn't one can someone give me some theme appropriate last names? Thanks!**

**Enjoy!**

OoOoOo

I really wish Alistair would wake up now. I would really like someone to make jokes with, or look at without feeling shame and mortification. UGH! I tried to explain about the wall of flame, the Guardian, and the alter. I explained until I was blue in the face, literally blue because I wasn't breathing in an effort to tell them everything, and Zevran won't stop smirking.

I groaned and pushed a bit of magic into Alistair, who moaned and roused shortly thereafter. He took one look at me and turned so red that I thought for a moment that someone had painted him.

Fading great. Almost every male in my party has seen me naked. I feel absurdly pleased that the awesomeness of my nakedness made someone faint. I mean, come on, who wouldn't find that just a bit flattering? I don't know, because I do. I do find it flattering.

Why is it so Maker-be-damned cold in here?

I grin at Alistair and help him stand up. He is so sweet and bashful that it reminds me of Cullen one or two times in the tower when he flushed and stuttered for no reason. Come to think of it, why did he always stutter? What was that about? Hm. I will need to ask him one day.

Anyway, I have the dead lady, can we go now?

I signal for them to follow me, all while trying to look at the two that remained conscious the longest. I mean, well…this is incredibly awkward. I just realized that that was the first time Cullen has ever seen me naked. Uh…I should fix that sometime soon.

I hear the strangled cry from Alistair and I whirl around to look at him. "What? Are we under attack?" I brace myself because part of me thinks that guardian was just way to damn nice about me taking part of the blessed Andraste's corpse.

…Alistair! Let go of my small clothes this instant! I blushed even harder, something I am not sure is physically possible, as the sight of my under garment hanging from his metal-clad fingertips. Oh my. Everyone froze for just a moment, unsure of what to do.

Oh, I know, GIVE ME BACK MY DAMN UNDERGARMENTS! I walked quickly to him and tried to snatch them back. I say tried, because Alistair has a surprisingly strong grip on them. For a moment we play tug-of-war just like I do with Dog.

Let go! This is very ungentlemanly behavior! Drop it! Alistair! Drop it!

I gave up when his last tug nearly had me hurtling into him. I stopped myself just in time from crashing against his chest. Cullen is fuming behind me, I can feel his 'Defend Solona' gland tightening. It's a gland that I have surmised only exists in Cullen, because it seems to control his reactions to anything related to me. When it tightness, I end up having to heal several party members and more often than not; paying for damages. There are moments where I hate that blasted gland.

Like..oh…I don't know….right….about….

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Uh. Wait? Alistair can steel my sodding undergarments and you are 'ok' with that? The man can't _talk_ to me, oh no, but you will let him prance around with my smalls in his pack? What the fade kind of betrothed are you? I want a new one!

Would someone please get my small clothes back for me? I can't believe you Cullen! Just moments ago you were shouting to the high heavens that I was yours and we were going to be married. You- You-…

Oh, never mind, there he goes.

OoOoOo

We have finally rejoined the rest of the group, and I can't believe my terrible luck. I've had to heal Cullen, Alistair, and Zevran. That cheeky little assassin though that he could take my pilfered smalls when no one was looking and so he was dragged into the fray, and I was forced to heal a few scrapes, bruises, and a broken bone.

Let's just go. I want to get to Arl Eamon before the man up and dies on me.

It would seem that Zevran has found it fit to tell everyone that I was naked in front of the Urn of _Sacred_ ashes. If I could figure out how to cast tempest on demand, or any other lovely lightening spell for that matter, on command; Zevran's ass would be gone.

I still don't know what happened to my undergarments, but I am sure I won't see them again. I sigh loudly because I really liked that pair, and now I have to use a less comfortable set. Does no one other than a female understand how hard it is to get _good_ small clothes?

"What was it like?" Oh whore-biscuit! I think I might have actually missed you. Nah, even I'm not that cruel to lie to you, I still loathe you.

"The urn?" I asked just to clarify because knowing this loose woman she might be wanting to know what it was like standing in front of three men naked. One word; Horrible.

"Yes, of course I mean the urn! Tell me please, my friend." Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! We are friends? I feel my face contort into a quizzical look. When the fade did that happen? I scoff inside my head, I could have much better friends than you.

I mean look at….uh….erm…huh… Wynne. Sure she is an evil but mature woman. And then there is Morrigan who I am sure would rip my face off while I slept if possible. Then there is Sten, who I think could break me in half with his pinky. Or even Oghren who only really wants to bed me.

Ok so maybe, just maybe, I don't have the greatest friends, but they are still better than you. Wait, why are you touching me?

"You can't keep silent on this! I simply must know!" Crazy woman, calm down. That's right let's soothe your ruffled feathers before you go insane and start singing your damn songs again. I froze for a moment as the worst thought I have ever had surfaced from the murky depths of my mind. She wasn't going to put the 'naked' incident in her epic song about our exploits was she?

OH I AM GOING TO KILL YOU! I don't care if you haven't done it yet, but I can see you trying to put that in the story. I am near hyperventilating and Leliana is shaking me demanding details. Screw your details!

And stop shaking me damn you!

OoOoOo

"Ow." By the shifting skies of the fade, I am going to let the darkspawn have you Alistair. It's settled I am sticking you on that damn throne come fade or high water!

"What? Stop fussing with it. You'll make it worse." Thank you Wynne, perhaps he will shut up now. I'm not the nicest person; I think you might have figured that out by now. There are few things, all of which my companions have managed to find mind you, that bother me more than someone complaining about their healing wounds. I had a giant leg wound for two weeks and I didn't complain…out loud.

I heard Alistair whine again. "It itches." Yeah, healing wounds do that. Who would have thought that allowing your body to go through its natural course might result in sensations? Oh the horror you must be suffering, you royal bastard.

I might still be a wee upset over the whole small clothes incident.

"Yes, it's healing. Don't touch it." I smirk at Wynne's tone because for a few moments it is just like being back at the tower with all the other apprentices getting a good motherly scolding. I recall fondly all of the spell mishaps and that time I Surana had her eyebrows singed off. She had looked constantly surprised for weeks! I hum happily at the memory.

Damn, I guess there are days I do halfway miss the tower.

"But it's distracting. Can I rub it through the bandage? That's not really scratching." Well, true, but it will still agitate the scab that is formed over the wound. You should still be careful.

"Alistair, if you open that wound up, I'm not going to heal it again." Don't look at me, I healed it the first time, albeit reluctantly. "You can just treat it yourself. And if it festers, weeping bloody pus and burns like the flames of Andraste's pyre, don't come to me. All I'm going to say is: "Alistair, didn't I tell you not to touch it?" There are times it does not pay to be a creation mage, when you suddenly have the vivid image of a festering wound stuck in your head. Well, I'm not hungry anymore.

I slow my pace just a bit to let Cullen catch up to me. His eyes hold the question if something is wrong, but it's not. I am feeling sappy and sentimental. In this second right here, blight be damned, it is right. I reach out and grab his hand. He stared bemused at our entwined hands and I continue walking, the first few steps I am tugging him along.

Maker, I love him.

"It won't really fester, will it?" I snorted. Not 'weeping bloody pus' and 'burning like the flames of Andraste's pyre' to be sure, but it could fester. It is more likely that I am going to have to drag a knife along the wound to open it up again and clean it out. You know what? Pick at it, I will have Morrigan clean it out for you. I am sure she would greatly enjoy that.

I would enjoy it too. I can't prove you have my smalls, but I have a very high suspicion that it you do.

"Why don't you try scratching and see?" Wynne jeers at him and I turn slightly to do the same. My hand still firmly in Cullen's I look back to the road ahead. A bit of affection is delightful sometimes. I blush up at him, and he smiles shyly at me. What? We are going to be married soon.

I might have to be dragged kicking and screaming to the altar, but hey, that is months if not years away.

"I... uh, I guess it doesn't itch so much now." I chuckled. I thought it might not itch quite as much if someone told you all the concerns that might occur.

It's a good day to be a Warden, impending blight and all.

"So, Wynne... how do you know so bleeding much about ale? Have some tawdry tale of misspent youth to tell?" Not everyone has spent their life in the pursuit of unwholesome pleasures Oghren. I am not among those innocent people, I did defile a temple after all, but there are some. Look at Alistair! Just ignore the panty thief in him, and he is pure like new fallen snow.

"Nothing quite so interesting, my friend. The Tranquil mages of the Circle just happen to be alchemial miracle-workers, and they brew more than just potions." I nodded along to her statement, it was entirely true. We were locked in a stone structure all day! What would you do with all the materials you could want coupled with copious amounts of free time? That's right, you would mess around too. "There was always a pitcher or two of fine ale at our supper table." Her's maybe, _mine_ never had any. The senior mages were awfully stingy when it came to the apprentice mages and alcohol. I reflected on my 'experience' in Orzammar and suddenly I think it might be a good thing they never gave me booze. I might have run around picking fights and giggling in the halls.

"Well, bless my britches... Maybe when all this is done I'll chat up one or two of them quiet mages." Quiet mages? I blinked at Cullen confused, and he shrugged. 

"Uh, Tranquil." Oh, I got you now. I don't think you would like 'chatting them up' Oghren. The tranquil are not know to be masters of conversation. I mean…it's not their fault or anything, but it is _extremely_ boring to talk to them.

"Tranquil, quiet, insipid... same difference." Someone's been coaching Oghren again…there is no way he knew what the word insipid meant on his own.

Who's helping him?

The crest of the hill brings us to look down at village of RedCliffe and Cullen gives a cry of joy and excitement. What the fade? Suddenly he is tugging me down the hill as fast as my legs can stumble behind him. Slow down man! I try to free my hand from his, but it is like a vice. It hasn't been _that_ long since we have seen civilization, Haven included.

"Right, we need to take these ashes to Arl Eamon at once." Alistair firmly stated, catching up with us and soon the rest of the party was walking at a fast pace down the hill.

"We will." Cullen stated still forcing me quickly down the slope. "After Solona and I make a stop at the Chantry."

…..

…..

I'm sorry, I must have heard that incorrectly. You said we were going to the chantry? _WHY_, exactly do we need to go to the chantry?

"Ah, my templar friend." Zevran's smooth voice cut in sweetly. " I think that a dying man does take precidence over your more …selfish…desires." I agree. I'm not ready to be married yet! I wail in my head and the shcok is evident on my face. I thought he was bluffing!

I don't even know the man's last name! …Granted, that is something I should have probably known before I slept with him, but come on!

"I'd have to agree." Wynne? You of all people agree? Never thought I would see the day! You are not such an evil woman after all! "Solona needs a proper dress, and we will need to gather some supplies for a celebration feast." I hope the spirit of faith let's you drop dean right now!

Right…Now!

I flush and stutter. This is kind of fast right? Does anyone else think this is kind of fast?

"Aye, I'd be more than happy to settle the liquor arrangement." Oghren you pint-sized fountain of innuendo I will kick you in your manhood again!

"Ooh! Isn't this exciting?" No you bard=wench it is not. I am terrified. This is more frightening than seeing the Arch Demon for the first time in my dreams! "Cullen, she must have a proper dress, yes? And we will need to get you matching shoes and hair arrangements. Oh! I can't wait to do your hair." I sodding hate you. Don't you touch my hair! Let me go!

HELP! SOMEONE HELP!

Cullen seems to ponder this new turn of events. He nods once. "You're right. We need a proper wedding, and I can speak with the revered Mother of this Chantry to schedule a time for the ceremony and procure a priestess." Um…Hi. Anyone remember me? Oh, that's ok, let me remind you. I am Solona Amell, you know, the mage you are trying to marry off without asking me a damn thing?

Does that ring any bells?

"Phsaara. Are we to rescue the one you call Arl or not?" Sten, as much as I have harped on you for being a man…or whatever the fade you are…of few words, right now I love you more than I love hot beverages on a cold day. Which, in case you are wondering, is a lot.

"'Tis wise not to keep the man waiting. Though he may already be dead, and we have then wasted precious time Warden." Morrigan, you crafty witch you, I knew there was a reason I kept you around. Well that, and you still have that book I want back.

I yanked my hand out of Cullen's, no he didn't release it, I took it back! Steering our party off to the right we ventured for the path that lead to the Castle. I spare a glance down to the once friendly looking village below.

That way leads to doom.

OoOoOo

Bann Teagan….why am I not surprised that you are the first person to greet us? He starts complimenting me and saying how 'wonderful' it is to have me back in Redcliffe. You were eye candy, and you might be eye-candy again. Say, have you trimmed your hair recently? Oh look it's the bitch Isolde! How have you been? Did you manage to blame anyone else for your conniving and spiteful ways? No? Pity.

My heart bleeds for your, truly.

I roll my eyes and walk over to the Arl laying there, looking like death on the bed. If you want some sage advice, I have spoken to your wife and I think you should just take more poison. Maker you are a terrible judge of character there Arl.

Yes, Lady Hooker, I have the ashes. It is not like I am here on sabbatical. I have been carrying part of a dead woman around for weeks. So help me I will blow her people dust all over you if you say one more word in your horrid Orlesian accent. Oh, I'm sorry, let me phrase that for you again. You are a Woorr. That's what you sound like. You sound like stupid.

I blink confused for a moment. Am I just supposed to shove it in his mouth? Do I mix this in water and make him drink it? Do I sprinkle it on him? Fucking Prophetess! Why doesn't this crap come with an instruction manual?

Well, in a pinch just play it by ear I suppose. I take the pouch and sprinkle half of the contents on him and pour the rest in his mouth. Ok, now how does one activate ashes? Hm. She was a holy zealot. I recite what parts of the Chant I remember in my head and I flung above the Arl dramatically.

Eat your heart out Morrigan.

The Arl suddenly started twinkling little lights and opened his eyes. I am a magical goddess. There can be no denying it after this. One quick glance around the room tells me everyone is suitably impressed...As they should be.

"Whe-where am I?" You're in the Deep roads. Where by the Maker do you think you would be? It's not like you were running about all of Fereldan, like you made me do you asshole!

Teagan looks over to me and then to the Arl. "Be calm brother." Yeah, because that won't make him instantly worried. Great phrasing jackass. "You have been deathly ill for a very long time." Way to sugar-coat that princess. No, Isolde, I wasn't referring to you. I pinched the bridge of my nose. I hate nobles. "Do you remember nothing?" Would anyone noticed if I slapped Teagan for being an idiot? I really, really, want to. If he remembered something, I am willing to bet that he wouldn't have asked where he was. Common sense should never be optional.

"Teagan?" No, it's the risen Andraste. "What are you doing here?" I have a better question, what am _I_ doing here? Can't you just come get us after he has come to his senses? "Where is Isolde?" Nice. Your large-assed wife is right here. Yeah, don't thank me for saving your life or anything.

"I am here, my husband." Did anyone here the sound of legs opening? Huh? Just me then?

"And Conner?" Oh that kid is going to need a lot of help coming to terms with this. And, just so you know, I already alerted the Circle through written correspondence about your son. The templars should be here any day now.

What? I told you I was going to. I'm not leaving that little boy here with _her_. I swear, you people must not care about Conner's welfare at all.

"Where is my boy? Where is our son?" Ok, Arl or not, you have just asked the same question three times now and you need to be silent. Maker's nose hairs, I like you better half-dead.

"He lives," Because of me. "Though many others are dead." Because of you. "There is much to tell you husband." Oh yes, there is. Like starting with the fact Isolde hid all of this from you and then tried to blame someone else for her treachery.

"Dead? Then it was not a dream?" Nope. Welcome to life you conceited horse's ass.

"Much has happened since you fell ill, brother." Well if that isn't the understatement of the century, I'll eat my own staff. "Much of it will not be easy for you to hear." I think that is my cue to speak and so I told the Arl all of this, and I was exceedingly persuasive. I made sure that no detail was left out. Not a one. Isolde turned several astounding shades of red and later vermillion.

Suck it.

"This is most troubling." Eh? That is all you can think of to say? Your kid was possessed by a demon and murdered half of your subjects, if not more, and your bitch wife is the cause behind it all because she did nothing but lie to you. And despite all of this news the best thing you can think of is to call it all _troubling?_ Ok, you piss me off. No one is that refined under duress. "There is much to be done that is true."What is it with you people and stating the obvious. News of the hour…There is a BLIGHT! What do you expect me to do, go skipping to the Arch Demon and ask if we can be the best of friends? Ugh! Give me my men and let's go to war people.

Well, really, I will stand in the back like I always do, but I volunteer Alistair's body as my shield! Oh crap, I had been doing so well until now. I missed whatever Eamon was saying.

Everyone is staring at me and Teagan is trying to urge me on with a smile and some freaky hand motions. What? Er…uh…

"Yes?" Oh please let this old stand-by work.

It seems to be the correct thing to say because Eamon smiles brightly at me."Then allow me to declare you and your friends' champions of RedCliffe." Oh goody, I get to be Ser Solona Amell, Mage of the Circle of Magi, The Savior of the Circle, Commander of the Grey Wardens, Savior of Orzammar, Pilgrim of the Prophetess Andraste, Savior of The Dalish, and the Champion of RedCliffe. I think I have enough titles to last me a life time…thanks. "You will always be welcomed within these walls." Great, because I stop by here so very often. That is such a useful gift of gratitude. "And for you Warden." Who? Me? "A shield of the same that is given to our finest knights." …I'm a blasted _mage_! Fade take it all! Why do I need a damn shield? Yes, thank you Arl it will look lovely next to staff and lyrium potions.

"Thank you, your grace." You daft old fool. I pull my lips into a smile, but I can't help but imagine where I would like to stick this shield.

Then we are swept into a discussion about Loghain and a lands meet. It would seem that Arl Eamon does in fact want to put Alistair on the throne. He balks for a moment before being hushed by Eamon with talk of 'duty' and 'what is best for Fereldan'. Good luck with that, you would need someone to change everyone's mind and see Alistair as the best chose over the current Queen! I laughed quietly to myself. That would be so much work and then we would have to usurp the throne publically. I giggled even more. What moron gets to do that?

Why are you all looking at me?


	23. Chapter 23

**Thanks for the reviews! **

**Just a quick note; I will be finishing Rumors before I start again on Life on the Run. So any of you that are following both stories please just be a little patient with me!**

**Rated M, NSFW, and I own nothing.**

**ENJOY!**

OoOoOo

I have spent the last four hours glowering at the wall. It is the same spot that Arl Eamon had stood in front of when he oh so graciously informed me that _I_ would be the one uniting the nobles of Fereldan behind Alistair. As if I haven't done enough, oh no! Why in the name of the fade did I bother to wake you up then? Huh? Answer me damn you!

Except that he can't. You see Arl Eamon left this room four hours ago, and I swore to myself that I would not leave this room until I stopped wanting to murder him. I'm still here…

It's not just due to the added responsibility that he has placed on my 'delicate' shoulders, as Teagan called them. No, that I could just grin and bear for the most part. No, it was the fact that he handed Jowan over to the Circle for punishment. _THAT_ I have a large problem with.

I was supposed to disembowel the damn blood mage! I should have killed him down in that cellar when I had the chance! They wouldn't let me kill him. Can you imagine? I just traversed all of Fereldan, dealt with every obstacle you can imagine, and saved the Arl; and you won't let me kill him?

I fading hate you Maker. Yes, you! Oh don't think I don't know you are up there your lazy ass! If I die during this blight you and I are having words. I do, however, have some common sense. My words will be sweet, because I know you are going to make me eat them.

My companions have long since departed and I wail in my head for the death of the Arl and Jowan. Mostly Jowan, but a chunk is there for Eamon. I have to say that I have been becoming a bit more temperamental the closer to the Arch Demon we come.

Gee… I wonder why….

I sigh and rub my temples. I'm insanely hungry and if I am 'always welcomed' here, then it is going to include his damn pantry. I glance around and notice with irritation that no one has sought me out in my four hour sojourn of silence. I roll my eyes at the thought that my 'friends' are most likely planning my wedding. A wedding I didn't realize we were going to have so soon.

I pause at the doorway of the kitchen and lean against the wall. How do I feel about this? Honestly, I don't know. I mean life is short and precious. All this time of me healing and killing has taught me that. Of all the horrors that I have, in fact, witnessed why should the idea of marriage terrify me so greatly? I mean, I love Cullen, I know I do. Sure we never actually said it to one another at the same time, but that is over rated anyway. I think it scares me because marriage is final. I know I will always love Cullen, but what if he doesn't survive the joining? What if he starts to feel differently down the line and blames me for ruining his life?

We haven't even been on a date yet!

"Lady Solona." I stiffened at the low tone of want in Bann Teagan's voice. Oh crap…that is the same sound Cullen's voice has when we are about to…uh…You know….

"B-Bann Teagan!" I stuttered in surprise, I forgot you like to go all creepy stalker on me when I am here. I flash him a slightly nervous smile and back into the kitchen. "How are you?" Where is a knife? I don't know you very well Ser, and I like to be prepared. Unfortunately, I have left all of my supplies along with everyone else's in a heap at the front door.

"I am well my Lady." He grinned at me. Um, I am really uncomfortable around you. "I cannot thank you enough for all you have done for my family."

Really, it was a pain in the ass, but let's just forget about it. I only wanted something to eat and I swear you must camp out here waiting for me. "It is my duty." I used a phrase that Cullen is fond of saying. It seems vague enough for my purposes.

Why are you looking at me like that? Hey! Hey there buddy I have a three foot of 'mage space' rule. You are in direct violation! "I have thought about you constantly since you left." He murmured at me, clasping my hands in his.

Um…how…sweet of you?

I flit my eyes nervously toward the door. Shouldn't there be a 'Solona in danger' sense going off in someone's head right now? Anyone? Dog? "Why, thank you, Bann T-Teagan." I muttered from under a wave of mortification. What in the name of the fade is with men outside the Circle? Crazy bunch of hormonal buggers if you ask me, but no one ever does.

"I thought of your face, and the way your eyes burn brighter than any star could dare hope." Wow. You are laying it on really thick and I would like my hands back. I tug them out of his grasp and give him my most menacing stare.

Sorry, but I am taken.

"Bann Teagan-" I started.

"Please, just call me Teagan." He all but purrs at me. Am I supposed to find that sexy? Do you have any idea what your pig-headed brother took away from me? I had dreams about getting even with Jowan damn you both!

I clenched my jaw and fought the urge to grind my teeth. "Teagan" I fairly hissed at him. Do not interrupt me when I am trying to reject you. It throws everything off. "You are a very wonderful man." What had Cullen said? "You deserve so much in this world, you truly do." I tried to appear sympathetic, but I'm not. I don't know you and you were just eye candy. Furthermore, I have had enough of men trying to win me over with sweet or stupid words and actions.

Enough is enough now.

"I am sure there is some woman out there for you." One that can stand you after you open your pompous mouth, perhaps? "I'm just not _that_ woman." I try to think of every line Cullen had told me all those days back in the tower, but I can't remember them all. I have ears and some standards, but you are cute.

His face fell and I tried really hard not to apologize, but you have to be firm with stalkers and let them know there is no way in Theadas you are going to be with them. "There is someone else, isn't there?" I snorted.

You think?

"Yes, I am actually betrothed now." It feels really odd to say, I haven't had to tell anyone yet. Eh…I'm betrothed…well, when put that way it isn't bad at all. I'm going to marry Cullen. Cullen, who loves me enough to follow me into the Blight without being a Grey Warden yet. I smile a small knowing smile. I'm going to marry him.

"Bet-Betrothed?" His eyes widened with alarm, then anger. Oh come on I knew you for about six hours, forgive me if you didn't steal my heart away. "Is it Alistair?" His voice is deathly quiet and as the absurdity of his question hit me, I laughed out loud. Maker, but people are clueless!

Somehow, Teagan, you are alright now.

"No, it's not Alistair." I chuckled and shook my head. I looked at Teagan with open amusment. "I'm going to marry Cullen." I smiled widely.

"The templar?" He gasped horrified. Oh yeah, and you can only imagine what I did to him in the temple of Andraste…he he he…

I got some of that. Speaking of which, I think I am up for some more defilement. Where is that templar of mine? I passed by Teagan without another thought and headed out toward the hall, my hunger forgotten. I was a mage on the prowl.

…

Or well, I was until I caught sight of our belongings still heaped in front of the main door. Lazy little blighters, my companions. I sigh and reach down to haul the packs up, cursing that no servant had beaten me to the task.

Oh look…that book Morrigan's been fawning over, my book! Mine! Because I found it and I want to read the damn thing.

I thumb through a few of the pages with mild interest. Hm…this one section is ear-marked. I scan the ingredients and directions: Health potion, poison, poison, mana regeneration spell, taking over another body; Morrigan warned me about that one, health poultice, protection spell, purifying the taint, poison, poi-

Wait, what?

I looked around and saw no one in the hall with me. I rummaged through my own pack to come up with a vellum and writing implement. That little witch was keeping this from me! Purifying the taint! I jotted down the ritual quickly.'

That's odd, the last part of the ritual is smudged out…

Damn!

OoOoOo

Here we are…on the road…again. Yeah, because I never tire of this, it is quicker this time because the Arl so generously provided us with mounts. We have spent the better half of the morning getting Dog to wear a saddle so that Oghren won't freak out.

"Stand still you sodding Dog!" And it seems we are back to square one. I sigh. Fantastic, just fading fantastic.

Poor Dog just cocks his head quizzically at Oghren. This is a repeat of this morning and neither of them have learned.

"Yeah.. that's right, Oghren's your friend, now just stand still..." I rubbed the back of my neck to soothe the tense muscles and glare at the pair. He's just going to run away. You know that. We all know that! It took us forever to get him in that the first time!

There he goes…yelping and running away. See? I told you this would happen Alistair! But, oh no, you just _had_ to take a break and relieve yourself. Now I'm stuck trying to get Dog back in a saddle and Oghren back on Dog. Thank you sooo very much. Royal bastard!

"You're so melodramatic! I haven't even put the saddle on yet!" Why did you take it off in the first place? You should know better than that. I swear by Andraste's burnt bosom that I am going to let the Arch Demon eat you. Yummy! A single bite dwarf snack!

"Dog." I growled with intensity and he sat down on his haunches and whined. "I know you don't like Oghren riding you, but I need you to be a big strong Mabari right now." I sweetened my voice and gave him a good scratch behind the ears. "Will you do it for me?" I gave Dog my best 'damsel in distress' look and he whimpered. "Please? Because you are the only one I _trust_ to protect Oghren."

See? That is how you sweet-talk a Mabari!

He stood stock still and let Oghren saddle him up. "I don't know how you do it Warden." Oghren angrily muttered. "The damn beast won't let me near him without you." Well, yeah, you don't have boobs. They do sort of help in a number of situations. What? Like you have never thought the same things.

Cullen is still upset that we couldn't stop at the Chantry on the way out of Redcliffe. I am actually not very happy about that myself. I really wanted to see the revered mother die of a fit when she found out a mage and a former templar were getting married!

That is memory I am sure I will cherish.

A few days later, much quicker than having to walk around the whole countryside, we arrived at Denerim again. Ahh. The smell of wet dog and depression. Cheery! I never thought I would miss this place, and it turns out I was right!

Aren't I always?

We arrive at the Arl's estate and I have to say, it is rather posh. I was not expecting such finery. The bastard gave me a damn shield and it looks like he could have given me more than that. I can understand not wanting to thank me for letting Isolde live and for being upset about sicking the templars on Connor, but come on. You could have at least given me a tip! Cheap fading nobility.

Oh, hello Loghain. Hm. Who would have thought that you would look even more skeevy after so much time away. You age like milk. I'm just saying.

"Loghain…it is… an honor" I snort at his choice of words. I suppose 'honor' could be a term used here. I was thinking more along the lines of irritation. "That the regent would find time to greet me personally." Oh I don't think he's here for you Arl. Did you come to see me pumpkin-tits?

Yeah, I went there. I think with the amount of effort you have put in to hunt Alistair and I down that you deserve a pet name. I think pumpkin-tits is apt don't you?

"How could I not welcome a man so important as to call every Lord in Fereldan away from his estates' while a Blight claws at our land." Well, aren't you something you smarmy bastard? Where was all this concern when you left the Grey Wardens and King Cailan to die a horrible death by being overrun with darkspawn. I hate hypocrites like you. I am going to enjoy killing you. I was going to let Alistair have you but now pumpkin-tits, it's going to be you and me. And I have recently found out that I don't play well with others.

"The Blight is why I am here." Eamon responded coolly. Damn me, I don't think I could ever be that good at lying. Well, I suppose it's acting, but I think that gets down to the 'splitting-hairs' category. "With Cailan dead, Fereldan _must_ have a king to lead it against the Dark spawn." We just so happen to have one right here. Royal Bastard meet Pumpkin-tits the betrayer. Oh I am going to _relish_ every moment of your defeat.

Wow, I have never really felt all that blood thirsty until now. I mean, I know I have been blood thirsty but looking at Loghain brings a whole new meaning to the words.

Aw…look! He's all pissed off! Ooh, that is just too cute. I bet you thought you stood a chance against us didn't you? Dumbass. "Fereldan has a strong leader; its queen." Yeah, and I am best friends with Leliana! "And I lead her armies." I lead the armies of the Dalish, the dwarves, and very soon I will lead my own people against the Arch Demon. I am warning you only once, Hero of the River Dane. Don't _fuck_ with Solona Amell.

"Considering Ostagar, perhaps we need a better general." I acerbically comment. Did you miss me? I missed you…like I miss the rumor mill at the tower.

"Ah, the Grey Warden recruit." Oh screw you! It's the Grey Warden Commander now, and you would do well to remember that. I flipped him a rude gesture behind my gown. "I thought we might meet again." Really? I had rather hopped you would've had your head so far up your own ass, that you would have suffocated by now.

How sad it is to see that didn't happen.

The man just did not know when to shut up. "You have my sympathies on what happened to your order." I snorted at that. If I want your 'sympathy' I will look between 'shit' and 'syphilis' in the dictionary you asshole. "It is unfortunate that they chose to turn against Fereldan." It would seem that you need your eyesight checked Loghain, and that lying mouth of yours cut off your weasel face. You and I both know what _really_ happened out there. I hope you rot in the fade.

I have a friend down there named Meghan if you are interested. You look to be her type; Heartless, without honor, and as attractive as a dead skunk.

"I don't accept the sympathies of deserters and regicides." I hissed out. I'm going to mage-rage your ass you sniveling little toad!

"You should curb your tongue." He snarled back at me. Come on, big boy, make me! "This is my city." Like the fade it is. "And no safe place to speak treason." You would know all about that wouldn't you bitch. "For anyone." You should head your own words Loghain.

Don't you walk away from me. Oh wait. I forgot. All you know how to do is walk away! My mistake.

"There is talk that your illness left you feeble, Eamon." More lies? My, my, I thought you couldn't be any fuller of excrement, I suppose I was wrong. "Some worry that you may no longer be fit to advise Fereldan." Astoundingly enough, I haven't heard such a thing once. I tilt my head at him with narrowed eyes. I am so curious who your sources are.

"Illness? Why not call your poison by its true name." Yeah! You tell him Eamon. "Not everyone will cast aside their loyalties…" I snickered loudly at Loghain. "As easily as you" Oh! He told you! "And these…sycophants." Good word! I nodded my approval. I guess there is something to court intrigue after all. What deadly little beings these people are behind their facades.

Don't you sneer at us you traitor! I will run you through! "How long you've been gone from court, Eamon! Don't you recognize Rendon Howe, Arl of Amaranthine, and Teryn of Highever?" Is that the lizard-looking man behind you? Nope, can't say I do or that I care.

Oh look, the lizard speaks. Neat trick, that. "And current Arl of Denerim, after Urien's unfortunate fate at Ostagar." I take it back. He is not a lizard he is a snake. Who would have guessed the weasel would be in league with the snake? What are you woman? Are you horse; because you certainly look like one. Hey, I already told you I don't play well with these kinds of people! "Truly, it is an embarrassment of riches." Truly, you are a jackass of the first water.

I'm going to kill you too, I've decided. You may start crying in terror at your leisure.

"That's a lot of titles for one man." I sneered at him. Too bad for you I have more.

"Don't interrupt Churl, your betters are talking." I blink. Was that supposed to be intimidating? Please, you little gnat, I have seen a Hurlock take a dump bigger than you.

"Enough Cauthrien, this is not the time or place." Now this is rather amusing. Do we frighten you? I certainly hope so. I lean my head from one side to the other and there are two loud 'pop's. I have a lot of killing to get started on.

Cauthrien, was it? I smiled at her and I fervently hoped it was scary. I have rumors to compete with after all. Loghain blusters about talking Eamon down from his course of action. Oh no, pumpkin-tits, we have a special date with the throne that I would simply _hate_ to have to miss. Eamon responds with his own little barbs about being undefeatable by Loghain. Who takes exception and starts prattling on about defeating the emperor of Orlasis.

Yes, yes, we are all suitably impressed…

Oops, we are still talking aren't we?

"I will show you no more mercy then I showed him." I'm surprised you know the meaning of the word. Let alone how to use it properly in a sentence. Good show old man, good show. "There is nothing I would not do for my homeland."

…Except protect it. Brilliant plan there, nearly wiping out all the Grey Wardens; you know, the ones that can actually _defeat_ the Blight? Hero of Jackass.

That's right just turn on your heal and run, I am sure it feels familiar to you. I turned to Arl Eamon who exclaims that he hadn't expected Loghain to show up so soon. Really? I thought he was late. It seems like he tried to have me killed forever and a day ago. Honestly, the man needs to learn how to follow through.

It all seems to just rain on us anyway, I still abhor you Maker. However, I knew that this was coming and part of me looks forward to it. Ah, well, that is for another time.

So…who else is hungry?

OoOoOo

What is there to loot…er…see around here? I wandered around for a bit and noticed that everyone was camped out in certain rooms. I wasn't shocked to see Oghren in the dining room, or Wynne by the Library. Well it will be a nice change from having to sleep in the woods at least.

Ooh…do I have my own room? I ask a servant on my way up from the hall and she points me to a rather spacious room on the right side of a forked hallway. I nearly dance. I have my own room!

Eamon, you might have started to redeem yourself in my eyes… just a little. I squeal in delight at the bed. There is a bed! Oh, I have never seen a more beautiful sight! Wait…where is that bath? I must have a bath!

I tear back outside the room and run down the hall to see the servant still dusting a lone set of chairs. I ask her where I could go to bathe and she offers to have the tube sent up. Oh fade yes! I want a tub bath as I have had so few of them recently.

The most glorious sight of a tub fills my vision, and after a few minutes of impatience it is filled with steaming water. I purr at the object with affection.

Maker above, nothing beats a good bath.

I stripped down to my skin and almost jumped into the water. It is warm and relaxes all the right muscles. I sigh. Nothing could make this moment more perfect.

Who the fade is knocking on my door now? I groaned and whimpered. No! I don't want to leave my bath! "Who is it?" I call, willing them to explode into a million pieces behind the door.

"It's Cullen." …hm. I could let you in, or I could have you walk in. Either way this might turn out fun for me. I grin wickedly in the water.

"Come in." I am snickering behind my hand and I pull my hair down and watch the tips darken in the water. I think I might need to 'defile' the Arl's estate. It looks like it hasn't seen a good defilement in years. I'm all about fixing problems. I should fix that.

He opens the door and stands there in shock. I twist my body to bring my arms over the side of the bath that faces him. Aww…he's turning red and I don't think what he is saying is actually part of our language.

I arch one eyebrow. "Are you going to close the door, Cullen?" I bit my lip and winked at him. I love messing with templars…or ex-templars as the case may be. He shook like a leaf in a high autumn wind. I tilted my head to look at him with mock innocence. "What's the matter dear?"

He slowly stepped forward and closed the door behind him. I could feel the anticipation building inside of me as he stood in front of the door and simply stared at me. Ok, I am getting a major steamy day dream about still being at the tower and him watching me in the bath when us being together was still forbidden.

I really want to pretend to be an innocent mage with a naughty, naughty templar. I've spoken with Morrigan on the subject of intercourse only thrice, but she says that sort of thing is called 'role-playing'. I don't know how much of a role we will be playing when he is a templar and I am a mage, but I really want to try.

He licked his lips and I watched the motion with acute interest. "I didn't mean to disturb you." He said still staring at my wet and naked form under the water. Yeah, but I don't think you mind disturbing me now. I certainly don't mind it.

"You're not disturbing me." I smiled coyly at him. "Did you need something?" I think it was the way I said 'need' or the provocative posture I was in, but he started taking off his armor and though he didn't say anything, I think I understand the meaning. Especially when he stood there naked before me and then he strode toward me and nearly hauled me out of the water.

Hm….Hello Cullen…and… little Cullen.

I leaned up to kiss his lips and he felt like molten fire against my skin. Maker, the man could kiss! He helped me out of the tub and he pulled me toward the bed. I could see his face clearly with the candlelight falling softly on us.

Cullen pushed me down and I giggled at his forthrightness. From our two encounters, yes it was only the two as having to travel at a break-neck pace is not conducive to love-making, this was the first time that he was so…aggressive and I think I like that.

Our eyes greedily drink in each other though we are still rather shy about the whole situation. I'm blushing and he kisses me again. I crawl backward to allow him room on the bed and I know one thing…

I'm taking the pillows with me when I leave, oh yes, mark my words. These pillows are mine.


	24. Chapter 24

**Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the reviews!**

**I hope I haven't kept you waiting too long. Another thank you for all those that have read!**

**Rated M, NSFW, I own nothing related to Dragon Age!**

…**..And….Action!**

OoOoOo

Well, it became pretty obvious during the course of the night that Cullen has never slept in the same bed as someone else. Or if he has, it has never been with a cover thief. Yes, I admit freely, that I steal the covers in my sleep. I am not used to sleeping next to someone either. So it was a bit of a task having a huge male taking up almost all of the bed and having to wedge myself next to him. It was…honestly it was the most uncomfortable night of my life. However, on the bright side if not the naughty side, each time that we awoke there was nookie involved.

I think that given time, I can be used to sleeping with a man by my side. I smile at the still sleeping form of my exhausted lover, fondly. I gently brushed a lock of hair back from its disheveled position and he didn't even stir. So, even though this is a tender moment, I don't want to be creepy and watch someone until they wake up. That being decided I slowly got out of bed so as not to disturb him.

Hm…where is my robe? I look around the room and try to find where I left my clothing. I think a servant must have come by to collect my clothes because they are not anywhere to be found. Unfortunately, going around this place naked is not an option. Cullen seems to have been the only one to keep his pack and had brought it into my room at some point.

I must be a very heavy sleeper. I never heard a thing. I ponder that I really should be alert because even though my life seems to be something out of a comedic play, that doesn't mean it isn't fraught with peril. But, one shouldn't look a gift templar in the mouth…so…

I rummaged through his things.

Oh come on, don't act all high and mighty, I was just looking for a tunic. Which, in case you were wondering, I did indeed find. I shimmed my way into the spare tunic, after checking to make sure that he wouldn't have to walk around shirtless with the bard-strumpet in residence. I glowered at the wall as I pushed my hair back into a messy bun and opened the door to peak into the wall. She had better not go anywhere near Cullen. I have been lenient until now, but the man is _mine_ and if she steps out of line in the slightest, I am going to cut her pretty little face off.

And she's not even pretty. She's a cow. Have you seen her? I take it back. She looks like a horse!

Ok…so there doesn't appear to be anyone in the hallway. I just have to make it down to the main hall to get my pack, and I can go get dressed. I'm a bit paranoid because every time I am in a vulnerable state someone always comes pushing into my life. Somehow I can't help but blame the Maker, that sardonic b bastard. I vote we get a new God, you know, one that actually is around and not off tupping his burnt wife; who was already married. If the Maker has a problem with pre-marital sex, then he is the biggest damn hypocrite I can think of.

So why do the templar's have to take a vow of chastity?

Oh well, mine is no longer 'chaste. I giggle. I should be known as Warden Amell the defiler. That has a great ring to it, I think. Much better than the 'Savior' this and 'Champion' that. I like a title that really speaks to my actions!

I duck into alcoves to avoid the servants and continue on my path to my things. I do, however, have to pass the guards on my way and they are not at all subtle about looking at me. I fix each one of them my worst frosty look as I continue down the hall. There they are! Wonderful, now all I have to do is pick them up and be on my way. I have noticed the one problem with that plan though. The tunic I have borrowed from Cullen only comes down to my knees. If I bend over, I am putting on one heck of a show. So, I tried to put one knee on the floor and grab my pack.

The clearing of a throat stops me. I groan inside my head because the score for the number of times I have been able to get away with anything is still zero. Oh fade it all! I shift my position to look right into the face of Oghren. How he isn't half drowned in booze, or hung-over I will never know. However, I do have a lot of affection for the dwarf. There is no one in my entire party quite like Oghren.

What's not to love about a crass drunk with one fade of a sword swing? Absolutely nothing, that's what. The man is a gem under all the layers of …well; I'm not sure exactly how to describe him. It's like opening a really ugly fruit and finding out that it is not spoiled inside. Did that make sense?

"Mornin' Warden." He grinned at me. Yeah, it is morning isn't it? I never would have guessed that.

I smiled in spite of myself because last night was a _good_ night for me. "Good morning Oghren." I replied happily.

"So..uh…Warden? That a new robe ya got there?" For a man that was close to nobility in Orzammar, you are awfully direct. I thought nobles or almost nobles liked to beat around the bush, but then again you were never like that Oghren.

I roll my eyes and grin at him. "Yes, it is. It's the robe of the wanton mage." It is a plus three to will power and has the special effect of making nearby allies imagine me without it. Ooh…aww…I know, it is amazing.

"Well, if you ever decide you need a man with more _experience_" He leered at me "You know where to find me." Ew. No. Nay. Never.

"By the nearest tankard of ale?" I quipped and raised an eyebrow at Oghren.

He gave me a true smile and laughed. "Aye, Warden. You know me so well." Indeed I do. There are times that I wish I didn't, like that instance at the Spoiled Princess and the chicken, but let's not go there again. "You know Warden, I have been thinking about taking on another wife." I can tell he's kidding by the dirty way he says wife. Then again, everything Oghren says sounds dirty. I think that is a talent.

"Oh, I don't know Oghren." I grinned impishly at him. "You don't have the best record with wives." I winked at him and rose to my feet. Oghren was snickering lightly.

"Now, that's not fair. I never had a _human_ wife before. You look like you are a sturdy bunch if you are anything to go by Warden." Gee, thanks.

"You want a high endurance wife?" Great. That's me; the mage that can take a lot. Oghren, have I never mentioned how hard it is not to be swept off my feet by you? No? Oh good, then I am still sane.

"I've heard of Grey Warden stamina." I feel the mild wave of revulsion that come with imagining Oghren in any sort of sexual act. Maker, it is a blessing that I haven't had breakfast yet. I hope the man doesn't make love like he drinks. There are a lot of euphemisms you can put there. Go ahead and think of one. I'm not picky, you just enjoy yourself.

"And to think…" I mused lightly. "That I was happy before I started this conversation."

Oghren let out a loud belch. Classy, Oghren, really classy. "Glad I could help."…hm….help? That is not along the lines of what I was thinking. Luckily for you I still need to get dressed before everyone else wakes up.

I bid him farewell for now and trudge back up to my room. I opened the door and peaked inside. Cullen was still asleep so I walked inside and closed the door. I set the bag down with a sigh and bent over to rummage through it. I had just locked my fingers around my extra robe when apair of arms wrapped around me.

I yelped.

Cullen chuckled behind me and I scolded him. "That was not nice."

"Hm. Still it was fun though. Are you wearing my tunic?" I laughed and pushed his hands away.

"Yes, the servants came in at some point and took our clothes to wash. I didn't have my bag so I needed something to wear downstairs." I explained lightly. Cullen flushed and looked slightly upset.

"You just wore my tunic downstairs?" I could hear the reproach in his voice. Well, I wasn't going to fit into your pants so don't get all touchy about it. Only like six people saw me anyway.

"Yes. However, I think they all know what we were doing last night." I blushed and nudged him with my elbow. He grinned then. Men…I slip out of his tunic and start pulling on my clean robe.

I heard him give a discreet cough and I look at him quizzically. "Do we…That is…could we…before…" His tone trailed off. What? I don't get it, could we what? I look down and my eyes widened a little.

Are you serious? You chewed on some of those roots Zevran was talking about, didn't you?

OoOoOo

So…Queen Anora…needs to die. I think she needs to die in the most horrid way that I can imagine, and keep in mind that I remain conscious in the fade so therefore I can imagine a lot. I think it needs to be something slow, painful, and humiliating. I thought Meghan was a hooker-bitch. Anora makes Meghan look like sweet maiden by comparison.

Do you know what Hooker-bitch the second did? No? Well I am more than happy to tell you. The wench betrayed me! You heard me correctly. She _betrayed ME_. I will reign fire down upon her with the likes of which will never be seen again.

I should have known. I should have known the second I saw her little orlesian slut-maid. I know she had something to do with it, and because I am an equal-opportunity insulter, I feel no qualms about calling her every nasty name I can think of. Don't worry, I do and with gusto.

I can see you are confused, ok let me backtrack a little. I had gone to see the Arl after I had bathed again and dressed. It seemed only logical to go see him and get this debacle of the landsmeet over with. Right? Right. So there I was walking into the Eamon's room and there was an elf woman with black hair and at first I thought nothing of it.

"Ah, Warden." Yep, that's me. "I trust you have made yourself comfortable?" Why, how kind of you Eamon. Yes, I have made myself at home and it is the darndest thing…I seem to be out of pillows in my room. I have no idea what happened to them. Truly, I have no clue.

"Yes, very nice." Which, well, it all is…but I still think you could have given me something a tad more useful than a damn shield, but I digress.

"Good." I'd say adequate for the reward and lavish for the accommodations. "Because it is like to be your last rest for a while."

Thanks Arl Jackass…er…Eamon. Ha ha, who am I kidding? We know what I meant.

"This is Erlina, she's-" He was cut off abruptly by the said woman.

"I am Queen Anora's handmaiden." And you are a rude little bit of goods to boot. What sheer ecstasy I am going to experience in your company, because Maker knows, I haven't dealt with enough rude people. "She sent me to ask for your help." Oh…so close….sorry, I don't help the daughters of men that have slaughtered almost my entire order. It's a new policy.

Eamon seems as eager about this as I am. "Or perhaps the young lady prefers to speak for herself." Hm, I agree. She needs some manners… I have a large staff I could just-

Ok, those sorts of thoughts are not going to get us anywhere. But for the sake of prosperity, let me take a moment to ask a very important question. "Why would Anora ask us for help?" Because I know how much I love to run to the nearest 'enemy' of Fereldan and beg for assistance.

Yeah, this doesn't reek of a trap. No, not at all.

"The Queen, she is in a difficult position." Having to walk and talk at the same time? I can see where that would require me to assist her. "She loved her husband, no?" No. I don't think she did. I have yet to hear a single thing about her mourning his passing. Mourning…that thing that people do when they grieve their loved ones. Don't worry, I doubt she has ever heard of it. I scoff. "And trusted her father to protect him." Once again, I sincerely doubt that. Loghain appears to have been a bit mad for a while now, it's not like this was a new development. Plus, Anora would have the same crazy passed down through her. You do know I am planning to de-throne her right? You know what? We will get to that later. "When he returns with no king and only dark rumors, what is she to think?" Wait, wait, wait…Anora can _think_? Then by the Arch Demon's wings, why hasn't she had an intelligent thought yet? "She worries, no?" Why do you keep asking me that? Every time you ask that my answer is 'no'. "But when she tries to speak with him, he does not answer. He tells her 'not to trouble herself'." And she listens? You are making a terrible case for me to not de-throne her. If she cannot stand up to 'daddy' then I am not letting her rule my damn country.

I don't bother to hide my disbelief at this twisted attempt to get my help. "Are you saying" And I want you to think about this very carefully. "That the Queen believes Loghain killed Cailan?"

"My Queen suspects she cannot trust her father." Hm. Evasion. That makes me want to trust you oh so much. "And Loghain, he is subtle, no?" Not in my experience. Sending a highly trained and lewd assassin after me does not speak of being subtle. Yep, this is definitely a trap. I sigh. "But Rendon Howe" The lizard man? "He is privy to all the secrets and …not so subtle." I can feel the migraine coming. I honestly can. This is such a poorly crafted pile of lies that it makes my head hurt. What's next? Am I going to have to save her? I grin without humor. "So she goes to Howe." It is because she is a dumbass and incapable of being an actual leader? "A visit from the Queen to the new Arl of Denerim is only a matter of curtosey." And an ill-conceived story. "And she demands answers."Is it because she is a dumbass and incapable of being an actual leader? Oh, oops, I already thought that didn't I?

I think it bears repeating.

"I guess that didn't go well?" I replied sarcastically. Oh come on! I spent five minutes in the man's company and I can tell you he is a lunatic. Anora is one pitchfork shy of a barn it seems. Oh, and let us not forget, that she is still the daughter of the man that single-handedly attempted to obliterate the Grey Wardens.

The maid does not appear to understand sarcasm. I sigh again. I flipping hate Orlesians. Leliana you know I am including you too. "He calls her every sort of name, 'traitor' being the kindest." Good for him. "and locks her in a guest room." I couldn't help it. I did a mock gasp of horror. A 'guest room'? Oh that fiend! Fucking hoity-toity Queen.

Ok, once more, I will be the voice of reason here. "And Loghain allowed this?" Yet another hole in your story, my dear. You think that no one would notice the Queen missing? I grant you that Fereldan doesn't seem to be highly populated with intelligence but even a field mouse would find a correlation here. Not to mention that this Howe character has his head buried so far up Loghain's arse that he would never hurt his daughter.

"King Cailan was like a son to him, and Loghain left him to die." No, he murdered him. 'Left him to die' sounds less damming and I don't like the way you phrase that. You are trying to lead me to peril. I hate peril. "Does he love Anora more?" I shrug. "Who can say?" I don't give a flying bronto. Get out. I am not helping you. "I…think her life is in danger." Whose isn't? "I heard Howe say she would be a greater ally dead than alive." Hm. Maybe I misjudged Howe. That is actually very sound reasoning. "Especially if her death could be blamed on Arl Eamon." Ugh…I glance over at Eamon.

You are going to make me rescue her, aren't you?

One last ditch effort here…"Would Loghain kill his own daughter just to frame Arl Eamon?" I don't want to rescue the sow; don't they have royal guards for this claptrap?

Eamon looks at me pointedly. "We may have no choice but to trust Anora." The fade I will. "The queen is well-loved." I don't see _how_. "If Loghain succeeded in pinning her death on me…" Then you go rescue her. I am a Grey Warden blast you all, I fight darkspawn. Nowhere in my job description did it ever talk about saving the damn Queen or you Arl. I don't remember signing up to fix everyone's problems. I am here to killy-killy, and smashy-smashy the Arch Demon. "I'm not sure that is a risk we can afford to take." I sneer at Eamon's words. You get off your noble ass and go get her.

I swear Maker, I want to be in the sainthood after all of this rubbish. "You're right." No, you're not. "We have to help." I want to leave her to die. I think Howe has a fine idea and it would be a shame to just discard it.

The maid pipes in and I can just see the noose cinching around my neck. "I have some uniforms." Of course you do. Because every handmaiden, I know of, that has just had her Queen kidnapped runs around with four uniforms of the exact guardsmen where she needs to be broken out of. Does no one else see that they are setting us up? I can tell you exactly where this is going. I'm going to make dozens of health and lyrium potions for this. I don't trust it. "Howe hires so many new guards every day." Sure he does. "A few more will not cause much stir." Sure it won't. So you just happened to have all of this information? Not bloody likely.

Then the handmaiden spouts off about us going to the side entrance and she will create a diversion. The other members of my group looked determined. I know I look pissed off. I am pissed off. This has got to be the stupidest thing I have ever done and I went to a proving plastered. The Arl Jackass wishes us the best and so I make the potions first.

Then as the four of us, Alistair, Zevran, Orghren, and I, set off into the backroads of the city, we are already stopped. The first damn street away from the Estate and suddenly Zevran starts shouting "Trap" Over and over again.

"So here is the mighty Grey Warden at long last." Oh, hello. Have we met or did my reputation precede me? It does that. "The Crows send their greetings, once again." Hooray! Another crappy assassination attempt! I feel I should apologize, I have lost track of how many that makes. I'm sure you understand.

Zevran looks very …they are going to try to kill you aren't they? Don't worry so much, ever assassin that attempts to kill any of us fails spectacularly…yourself included. "So they sent you Taliesen?" Wow, your name is a mouthful. "Or did you volunteer for the job?" Yes, how stupid are you?

Oi! I'm the target here, don't you look at Zevran. That is my inappropriate companion you are mocking Ser! "I volunteered of course." So you are saying you are royally stupid? My word, if this isn't just a breath of fresh air. "When I heard that the great Zevran" I felt my lips twitch in amusement. 'Great' Zevran? You are never going to live that down now. "Had gone rogue, I simply had to see it for myself."

You really should have stayed home talon man, or whatever the fade you are called.

"Is that so? Well here I am." And me too! "In the flesh." What he said.

"You can return with me Zevran." He's not going anywhere. "I know why you did this, and I don't blame you." I don't care, he still isn't going with you. "It's not too late." Uh…yeah, yeah it is. "Come back with me and we'll make up a story. Anyone can make a mistake." Mister, I am standing right here and I don't like where you are going with this.

"Zevran doesn't need the Crows any longer." I called out to the cocky man a top the steps. Why would he need you, when he has us? I scoffed at the thought. Wardens or Crows? Like it is a tough choice…ha!

"Oh? Does Zevran need to live?" Oh what would you know? You are out here trying to kill your friend anyway. I don't believe your come with me nonsense and neither does Zevran. Tell him.

"I suspect I will manage just fine Taliesen." There you go. The elf said no so fly away like a good little Crow. "I'm sorry my old friend, but the answer is no." I'm not gloating, I have no idea what you are talking about. "I'm not coming back, and you….should have stayed in Antiva." Yes, he should have, but now he is going to die.

Sorry Zevran.

The alley explodes into movement. I am glyphing as fast as I can, and Alistair is bashing men in the face with his shield. That looks painful…awesome! Hey! Stop ganging up on the mage! I call for help and Zevran is in front of me quickly with a poise and grace I have to admire. Yes, get them away from the healing mage…good assassin.

A quickly as it starts, it is finished and the crows lay scattered about the ground. Hm… who ever lives here is going to be _pissed_. I say that because well, it's not like I am going to stop and clean up the bodies. I'm sure they will be fine where they are. Let's go get the idiotic queen from what is undoubtedly a trap! Yay!

Finally we arrive at the Arl of Denerim's estate and the Orlesian handmaiden-hussy is calling us over to a side entrance. Great…here we go. She tells me that she is going to distract the gauds after we get dressed out by the garden. I'm still not sure why I am going through with this. Really, can't we just let her die? I don't care if she lives or not.

A few guards get too nosey and so we dispatch them as quietly as we can. The maid, because I forgot her name already, leads us behind a stone wall and hands us the uniforms, that she just 'happened' to have. Uh-huh. Then runs to the guards screaming about darkspawn to get them away from their post.

This uniform rides up in all the wrong places.

Then, we are walking inside the estate and I am just waiting for someone to pop up and shout 'It's the Grey Warden' or 'Hey isn't that the mage in the bard's tales?'. Luckily, neither of those scenario's occur. Anora's maid tries to reassure me that no one will see through our disguises. Look, they are not very good disguises and I know you are full of mabari dung, so stop trying to make me feel better. Ok…if I were the guest bedrooms where would I be?

We wander aimlessly through the halls and rooms for a bit until I feel the pulse of magic around a door. Oh fade me, she's going to be behind that door. I can already tell.

"The Grey Warden is here My Lady." Who called it? That's right, I did.

"Thank the Maker!" Hm…I don't like the way you sound. "I would greet you properly but I'm afraid we had a….setback." Of course we did. I am cursed by the Maker after all.

I can't help but play along. This is just too good to pass up. "What sort of setback?" the kind where I am two steps away from just turning around and leaving you here? Because, well… I am.

"My 'host' was not content to leave me under heavy guard." What guard? I look around and I don't see a single soul in this hall. Ugh. This is so a trap. "He's sealed the door by magic."

I shrugged. I knew that already. I ordered Alistair to cleanse the door…and nothing happened. Oh this is utter horseshit. I can have him or Cullen dispel any other type of magic there is! I can make emissaries cry, and drain blood mages dry, but a cleanse doesn't clear the holding spell off of a damn door? What nonsense is this?

I'm going back to Eamon and telling him you died. Best of Luck there Anora. So Alistair? Would you like to wear blue or gold to your coronation? I'm partial to green myself, but I think blue would go lovely with your eyes.

I sigh. I can't leave because Alistair won't let me. Zevran thinks it is a fine idea and Oghren doesn't care. But nooo! Alistair wants to save the woman who I can just feel is going to stab us in the back. Alright, fine! We will save the Royal tart and be on our way. I am so putting you on the throne for this. Your time is coming.

So then I am forced to go down every hall and every room. I found the treasury and I started laughing as I took handfuls of his coin. What? This is a rescuing the Queen fee. I blinked as we enter one room where a servant is on her knees and a knight has his…er…

What are you two doing?

The girl shrieked and the Knight spouts off that he doesn't know us and we must be intruders. I mean, yes we are intruders, but I think you are more upset that I just interrupted your…um…pep talk. Note to self, try that on Cullen.

We quickly killed the man and the servant ran screaming out in the hallway and so we were forced to fight more men. Disguise went out the window, so I had everyone change back into their normal attire. It's not like it matters now anyway. Finally we came to Howe's bedroom, which has the dungeons adjoined to it.

What a sick fucker. I'm serious. That is just sick beyond belief.

The group and I walk down the incline to a door that I push open. "What?" Uh-oh…I didn't think anyone would be in here. "Who goes there?"

Maker! Someone just snapped the man's neck. I twitch and look behind me. Ok, no random people just breaking necks there…just Oghren who is swaying slightly. You need to lay off the booze, friend. I barely stifle the bark of horrified laughter when the body is dragged into the cell. What? It was kind of funny. I'm not going over there. I like my neck intact.

A dark-haired man comes walking out, surprisingly quickly for having changed into the guards outfit. He thanks me for creating a distraction. Uh…you're welcome? I didn't realize I was asking you to break a man's neck, but I think I we don't have to talk about that right now.

"Alistair is that you?" I look back and forth between the two men. You know the silent killer over there? And here I thought you were a sweet and innocent Chantry boy.

Alistair looks as confused as I am. "Who-? Wait. I know you." Well, that's good I suppose. "You were at my joining." Hey, Alistair, is it just me or does he look a lot like Duncan? I swear, I am just seeing Duncan clones everywhere. I hope I'm not coming down with something. "He's one of us." I gathered that by the taint I feel coming off of him. I was thinking this was going to be like the tower of Ishal and there were darkspawn in the basement again. I'm slightly disappointed. "A Warden from Orlais." So there are a whopping three Wardens in all of Fereldan? Wow, we are growing all the time. "Jader, I think. Or was it Montismmard? I'm afraid I don't remember your name."

"I'm Riordan." How the fade did you get Jader or Montismmard out of that? Alistair I am going to club you over the head with my staff one day. "Senior Warden of Jader." Oh…I get it. I'm still clubbing you one day for stealing my smalls. "But born and bred in Highever, and glad to be home." You're being sarcastic right?

Turn out that Riordan was captured with a false show of hospitality from a poisoned chalice. Crafty…I need to use that one time. Loghain put out an order for all wardens to be executed. Isn't he just the sweetest? Riordan tells me that Howe is down in the dungeons, I'll try to act surprised. I was also told that he had come because there was no word from the King about the outcome of Ostagar. Yeah…they are all dead. The Wardens, in an act of stupidity, decided to send one Warden. One. Alone, to boot. There are days I could swear I am surrounded by dumbasses.

The other Wardens won't waste their strength fighting Fereldan's civil war. Um, hey, there is a Blight going on here too. Can't help but think you are forgetting that tiny detail. Then he spouts off that if Fereldan is too foolish to save itself then the other Wardens will be ready when the Arch Demon drives its forces further.

Oh you all can go straight to the fade. That rubbish about brotherhood apparently doesn't count to the two members that you all have left by our lonesome for months on end. And while I am aware that I have done a great job of uniting the armies on my own, I shouldn't fading have too. Oh, how nice of you. You're going to send a message for help once you get out of here? Oh why thank you so much. Asshole! The Arch Demon is nipping at our heals and you want to write a damn note? Get out of my sight before I commit fratricide, my _brother in arms._

Ugh! Fucking Wardens!

Here take your damn records that I took from Howe's room and go make yourself useful. Or did you need me to hold your hand on the way out? I am so vexed that I ripped the dungeons apart. I didn't spare anyone, not that I was planning too, but I couldn't be swayed. I found a noble's tortured son and told him he could thank me by speaking for Alistair in the landsmeet. I ended up killing jailors and tortures by the dozens.

Howe had a lot of people in his dungeon. The man must have kept busy. There are like five separate holding areas and torture rooms. Talk about a sick puppy! .

A crazy man started recalling Ostagar and something about a witch in the swamp. Morrigan…what were you doing when I wasn't looking? I found an elf who was imprisoned form killing some of the men that raped his cousin and stole his fiancé.

More power to you! Tell me the other man's name and when I am done I will help you kill him too. I'm not a fan of rapists. Go figure…

I finally found Howe and the other mage. Hey, that's David! I forgot we where and I waved to him. "David!"

"Solona?" He called back surprised. I think we might have angered Howe because he snarled at me. Shut up, I'm talking.

"How have you been David?" I ask earnestly.

"Oh, well, I work for Arl Howe now." He gestured to the man and I nodded.

"That doesn't sound like fun." I murmured. My companions stare at me like I've lost my mind. Oh, we can spare a couple of minutes. She's locked in a guest room, she's fine.

"How have you been?" He asked me, clearly happy to see me, I think.

"Oh, well…I'm a Grey Warden now." He told me he has heard. I figured he would have. "I'm getting married to Cullen."

The look of shock on his face was priceless. "You mean it's all true?" What? "You and Cullen ran away from the tower together and joined the wardens?" Oh, Cullen is going to love that. Now he was templar that ran away with a mage. I wiped a tear of mirth from my eyes.

"Do you mind?" Howe, I am trying to catch up with an old friend before I have to kill him. I sigh. Now the moment is gone. I hope you are happy.

Howe died choking on his own blood. Ew… he coughed on me. Damn you! I hate getting blood on me. It takes forever to get out. No, you don't deserve better, go to the fade already you lizard! I looted his body harshly. I stomped on his face once or twice after he was dead too. I feel better.

Another set of cells? Geez! I found an addled Templar, and I was glad I had left Cullen behind because he would have balked at me seeing semi-naked men.

I admit…I might have looked.

The templar is the brother of an Arlessa, and he gave me a ring to take back to her. He was also the one hunting Jowan. You didn't fail, he was caught and is most likely dead. It should have been by my hand…You bet your ass I will give your sister the ring. I'm not letting Anora back on the damn throne. The air head would most likely plunge us right back into civil war!

The sniveling man in the last cell gets my attention. He claims to be the heir to Arl Urien…you're name's Vaughn? I think there was an elf down here that mentioned you. I grin as I grabbed a dagger from Zevran's side and rammed it into the man. I'll pretend that it is Jowan too… that way there is a little closure.

Yet another piece of garbage disposed of. Now, onto the queen! I say that like it will be easy, and aside from all the fighting and healing, it is. Apparently that servant let everyone know we were here. Oh well!

Finally I get to the Queen's door and she walks out wearing a uniform like the ones we had worn. Ok if she failed, why the fade did you have us try? Yes, thank me later. Move your ass. I am irritable that I had to come rescue her, but let's get out of here before anyone else comes.

….

….

….

There are like thirty people waiting for us, and there is Loghain's lackey that called me a 'churl'. I hate you maker.

"Warden." Yes? "In the name of the Regent I am placing you under arrest." I laugh. You go ahead and try. Come on, I dare you. "For the murder of Rendon Howe and his men-at-arms." Psh. I did do that, but the man needed to be put down. "Surrender and you may be shown mercy."

Ah ha ha ha ha ha. Oh you are funny. I catch my breath and smile. "I'm here to free Anora, who was held captive." So back down you yip dog.

"She lies!" I whipped my head around so fast I heard my neck pop. "The grey Warden was trying to kidnap me."

And thus….Queen Anora became Hooker-Bitch the second.


	25. Chapter 25

**Hey all! I have a wee bit of writer's block coupled with a severe attack of laziness. Sorry it took so very long. It may be a bit shorter than I was intending, but it's the best I have right now.**

**Thank you so very much to those that reviewed! Especially those that have been so generous to review repeatedly. You make the world go round!**

**I own nothing. One quote from Family guy's blue harvest. Rated M. NSFW (Norwegian Seals For Wildflowers), yeah, I went there.**

OoOoOo

I swear to the Maker I am going to stab her in the face. The face! I don't care if that is uncouth or not, I think that Hooker-bitch 2 needs a nice knife in the face. Don't think I won't do it. Oh, I will…I really will. Right after I finish trying to fend off Loghain's hussy.

She wanted me to go with her peacefully. Ha! She doesn't know me very well, does she? I chuckled darkly at the thought and earn myself a glare from said hussy. No, not Leliana, glad you are paying attention though. I know where they were going to take me and quite frankly, I don't think I would like Fort Drakon very much. Call me vain, but broken bones and torture marks never flattered my eye color.

Damn! The hussy just cut my arm. I glare at her very effectively as Alistair calls down a holy smite on them all. I have to admit that for a templar, it is a rather impressive move. Don't tell that to them though, or they get a bid head over the whole thing. The last time I complimented him, it took me four days to convince him that he was not 'The greatest Templar to ever live.' Oh yes, time at camp proved to be very…entertaining. The things Morrigan said! Why there was this one time she-

Oi! That bitch just cut my hair! _No one_ cuts my hair! I flew into a series of spells and knocked her flat on her back with a glyph of repulsion. I quickly grabbed a nearby fallen short sword and engaged her in swordplay as soon as Loghain's hussy moved to stand. I really have to start remembering my foes' names or something. Having to reduce them all to derogatory nicknames really wears on my creative side. There are only so many ways to rephrase 'jackass' or 'slut-nugget'.

I can hear the sounds of my companions in their own battles over life and death. Hm. You seem to have neglected to remember that we are totally awesome. I smashed the hilt of my sword into the hussy's face and she made the most amusing grunt I have ever heard. I think I would be able to call pigs with that sound. I grinned fatally at her and ran her through.

Call me a churl again.

Pondering on the events of the last half hour I realized something. I have been working backwards in my bid to get revenge on those that have wronged me. I should have killed Loghain first, then Howe, then Ser Cauthrien. Oh well, I do things my way anyway so this is really a moot point, but it was fun to do! I get a hearty chuckle from Oghren as the last of our would-be captors goes down in a pool of blood and what looks to be man-chunks…

Gross.

I nod to my men with appreciation and glared at the door where hooker-bitch 2 had run away like a frightened pansy. What a fucking amateur. She is so dead. I can't even tell you how dead she is going to be, but it will be messy and she will be…well…dead! I sigh. I really need to stop rambling, I swear.

"I knew she was going to betray us." Alistair you shut up this instant. If you 'knew' then why in the name of the fade didn't you do something? It took me a few breaths and telling myself that I need Alistair on the throne to keep me from punching him in the throat.

In moments like this, I think I should have just stayed in the tower.

OoOoOo

I haven't washed the blood off of me and I know I must reek to the high skies of the fade; but I really wanted to get back and have a 'chat' with a certain back-stabber. Uh, no, I don't mean Zevran. He's a rogue back-stabbing is good for him. I mean you should see how critically he can strike! The man had to have been one of the best Crows around. Geez, he is good, but we all know I am better.

I'm a deadly sex goddess after all.

I stride into Eamon's estate with a trail of magic at my fingertips. Alistair looks a little uneasy. Simmer down now little templar, I'm not going to go become an abomination. I am just going to slaughter Ferledan's current ruler. You need to relax, you know that right? Sure, I know that _I_ am a bit furious right now, but you need to calm down. Oh, and if anyone would like to assist me in shoving my staff down the hooker-bitch's throat; please form a single-file line and I go first.

Goodie…there you are you traitorous barren bitch. Huh. This sort of feels like déjà-vu. My fingers are twitching for me to haul back and slap her. Why, I thought you would never ask! Don't mind if I do! Just as I am about to fling my fist forward Cullen grabs me in a hug.

Hi sweetie, I'm busy trying to strangle a twit right now.

I glared at the Whore-Queen with sheer malice and she opened her obnoxious trap. "What did you expect me to do?" Uh, not throw me under the carriage sounds like a reasonable request. It tends to make me feel less like making friends. I mean, standing up like the ruler you are supposed to be is a thought. I'm just saying. "I asked you not to tell them I was involved." Meh, that was only what? Three seconds before I was forced to slaughter about thirty people while you ran your cowardly ass out of the estate. "How else would I have escaped." Ok. I really have a problem with you. The largest of which is that you are counting on me to save this fine country of ours and you would have let someone kill me. My second largest problem with you is that you let your 'daddy' walk all over you, but being that you are a backstabbing whore, I am sure that is a lie as well. Someone is trying to kill you now.

I'm Solona Amell. It's a pleasure to meet you hooker-bitch 2.

Eamon…I don't give a flying bronto that we need to focus on the lands meet. I am going to filet this miserable wench right here. What? No…I don't want to go to the alienage. Um, because I shouldn't have too, isn't this exactly why I freed the Whore Queen to begin with? This is her damn problem, not mine. My problem is a gargantuian blight that is about to break loose all over Fereldan. You remember that part right? Seriously, am I the only person in all of Thedas that gives a crap about the impending end of civilization as we know it? I must be because all of you blasted people want to start petty squabbles over the throne.

Maker's pimply ass! Whore-Queen you and I are not speaking about one blasted thing. You lie more than Leliana does on her back. Heh heh. I should write that one down. Where is my pen...? No Eamon! I saved you by going to a place that by all the laws of physics should not have even existed and the very least you can do it go to the fading alienage yourself. You Maker-damned whiny ass bastard!

No!

I said no, curse you!

Sten, put me down right now! I am not going!

I kicked at Sten with all of my might as he was forcibly taking me out of the Arl's estate. I grabbed at the door frame and valiantly tried to keep myself from going any closer to the door. Sten grunted in annoyance and tired to pull me lose. I clung to the doorway like a cat clings to a tree limb while hanging over a large body of water. I am not going to let go without one fade of a fight.

"Stop that Solona." Wynne scolded me. "You are acting childish."

"I am not going." I growled at them and I hissed in pain when Sten gave a particularly vicious tug on my arm. Sod off you Qunari giant!

"You are well. You will go." Sten's voice was firm and he tried to change tactics by twisting us both with all his might.

You won't take me alive! "You…can't…make…me." I snarled at them and dug my fingers in even harder against the stone and wood. Alistair and Morrigan had the audacity to look amused. Help me, don't just stand there looking like bumps on a log, help me!

"Phasshara! Why do you persist?" I persist because I am not going. I have ran all around this country, I have battled every enemy that has come my way, and I have done everything that has been asked of me. Why don't you all just go if you are so damn keen on the idea? I am tired. I am hungry. I am not setting foot outside that door!

Morrigan comes over and raps my fingers with her staff and I let go. I yelled at her out of reflex and Sten jerks us both forward with an alarming amount of force. There is not much I can do until we get to the next doorway and I cling to it once more.

"Warden. This will take a very long time if you continue to fight." Sten warns me as if I am a child. Excuse me? Who do you think you are talking to? Aren't you the one that keeps talking about having 'backbones' and 'honor'? Then honor my request and go without me.

"And here I thought you of all people would appreciate my will Sten." I murmured acerbically. Are you laughing Sten? Ok, now I am afraid. You really think I don't see you? "Don't you dare." I hissed at Morrigan as she came close with a devious smile painted on her lips.

"Solona, you are being unreasonable." Cullen, I am already going to strangle one betrayer; please don't make it two. "This is your duty." I scoffed at that. Ow! Stop pulling so hard on me you Qunari barbarian! Where was I? Oh that's right…duty. You think that is going to sway me? My duty is to fight the damn blight! I am trying to do that but you all seem to think that I have magical abilities when it comes to solving every problem in Fereldan! I am worn out!

I cried out as Sten yanked me off of the door way. Sten is very careful to rush headlong through the next threshold before I can gain a purchase on it. Crafty man. "Cullen! Stop them!" I'm panicking. I really don't want to go. No more! Can we please get to the blight? Why aren't you saving your betrothed templar? Come on, I slept with you! You owe it to me to save me!

Wait…

I honestly need to learn to phrase things better.

I feel my pride being stung when Cullen just laughs and shakes his head. I narrow my eyes and the retort to such the insult came rolling off of my lips before I could stop it. "Oh, I am so not marrying you now!" I only had a brief moment to see his stunned face before I was carried out the front door of the Arl's estate.

…..er….

….umm…

….well….

Uh….that might have been the wrong thing to say….

OoOoOo

Morrigan is blushing. That's right, you heard me. Morrigan is blushing because I spent the last half hour cursing so vividly, that I have horrified the Witch of the Wilds. I'm perversely proud of the accomplishment.

What? Like you wouldn't be?

So here I am, at the gnarled noble tavern, on my way to the alienage. Why did I stop at the tavern? Great question! I stopped because I needed to turn over that ring that the mostly-naked templar gave to me. Oh, and ask around about the mostly-naked boy I freed. Also to see if I can get my three companions drunk enough to escape. I'm stuck with Sten, Morrigan, and Zevran. I didn't even know Zevran was coming with us. He was just suddenly behind me grinning like an idiot.

Yes, I am a little worried about that too. I have no idea why he is so happy, but I don't think it bodes well. I stop over to speak with a grumpy looking man at the door and offer my sincerest apologies that his land has been overrun with darkspawn. I do feel terrible that everyone is dead and so I don't mind that he is a complete and utter dick to me…ok, that was lie, but I _do_ feel bad that everyone is dead.

I also spoke to the templar's sister, who promised me that she would speak on Alistair's behalf, though I did not comment on the fact that a part from being in a lyrium-withdrawl induced state; he was very attractive. I will just keep that to myself for now. Ah ha! There is that father of the young man I saved.

Huh, now I feel old for some reason. Not as old as Wynne, mind you, but old all the same. Wynne is older than the tower. I snorted in laughter. Hm. I think the Blight might make me a mean person.

Too late now!

After being refused my very generous offer to buy them all drinks; I am threatened with being slung over Sten's shoulder if I don't go willingly to the alienage. I glanced apprehensively between all of them. I have taught them too well. This must be rectified.

So. In order to throw them off balance, I agreed and smiled. I am going to leave you all the first chance I get. That's right…look relieved…yes…I'm not going to run the second you turn your backs. Never… We walk to the gates of the alienage and I have to say it is a dump. I think we could easily ask all of these elves to come live in the tower. True, there might be a few more romances then last year, but I am sure the Chantry will get over it. I chuckled to myself. Maker! I love screwing with the Chantry. Hm…I wonder if that means I have authority issues.

Then, again, I am the Warden-Commander of Fereldan. Techinically, it could be argued that I am the authority. I like screwing with myself? Eww! That sounds dirty…ha ha ha!

"Did your people intend to be thrifty when they built this palace out of refuse?" Sten mocks lightly.

I shrug. They could have been. I really don't know but the disgust on your face is pricless!

"What is amusing you so dear Warden?" Zevran purrs in my ear. Rogues really need to learn the definition of personal space.

I shake my head telling him it's nothing as we walk upon a group of elves yelling loudly at a guy in mages robes talking about a 'plague'. Are you fading serious? A plague? What's next oh great Maker? Want to drown us all with rain? Ok, maybe that is being a touch ridiculous but I am very tired of further complications.

I spotted one very outspoken female elf and approached her. "What's going on here?"

"What's the matter _shem?_ Afraid the elves are going to rebel." She sneers at me.

Well, stay here and rot you stuck up bitch.

OoOoOo

I groaned as I dragged my beaten form over the threshold of Arl Eamon's estate once more. I helped the elves. Of course I helped them. I am not a monster…and Zevran was standing right there. That might have weighed a bit on my decision.

Just a bit.

So to make a long story short, it turns out that Loghain planned on selling Fereldan citizens to the Tevinter Impirium for slaves. Diabolical, I know, but you have to admit the man is a subtle as a snake. You know, with the exception of sending the Crows after us and trying to stop us at every turn. Fine, this was the only thing he has ever done that was subtle. It is rather eerie that I didn't realize that he was the one behind all of this. It just seems so out of character for him.

I nearly cried at the sight of that comfortable looking bed as I continued on to see Eamon. I hate you all. I am letting any Hurlock that wants to, to rip your hair out! Pushy fading party members and their unfathomable urge to make me do things I don't want to. Curse them for being good at it!

I haven't spoken to the hooker-bitch 2 since my departure, and I don't plan on it. Sure, I could most likely sway her to help me out at the lands meet and then betray her like she did me; and admittedly part of me really likes that idea, but I think just yanking her throne out from under her is far more satisfying.

Then I am going to punch her in the throat, before I have Alistair execute her.

I go as far as to tell Eamon everything I have found out while I was running around Denerim wasting my damn time instead of fighting the Blight. I am still sore about that. I tell him that I am ready to call for the landsmeet because I want the fading soldiers you promised me. This has been more annoying than Orzammar…Sodding dwarves!

I excused myself to go change and I as I walked into my room I found a very upset looking Cullen.

….uh….Let me guess…you want to 'talk' don't you?

Fade me!


	26. Chapter 26

**Thank you very much for reading and a special thanks to Kcousland, Phenoren, and anyone who reviewed!**

**Rated M, I own nothing ( there is one quote in here, but it is a common slogan that I have no idea where it originated), and I plan to finish this story before x-mas. **

**Enjoy!**

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Hm…I wonder if I can reach the door before he stops me.

Well, there is only one way to find out. I spring into motion and bolt for the door, I can hear the muttered curse behind me as Cullen hastily follows my lead. I yanked open the door and ran through it as fast as I could force my abused legs to go. Which, as it turns out, when faced with having to have a 'discussion' with the man I am going to marry, it quite fast.

I mean if flight were possible for a human, I would be doing it now. I scrambled down the hall with Cullen shouting after me."Solona!" …I'm sorry, I think you must be referring to someone else. "Maker's breath woman, come back here." Ha! Like that ever works. I take a sharp turn to the right and hightail it toward the Arl's room where Eamon and Alistair were last.

I must find witnesses.

I was suddenly yanked backward and into a very hard shell of armor. I yelped and squirmed trying to get away from him. No! No I don't want to talk about my feelings! Put me down or I will zap your sorry tin-can.

"Let me go!" I cried in outrage. I mean really, the man has flung me over his shoulder like a sack of grain and is proceeding back to my room.

"No." He muttered under his breath, and I couldn't believe my ears. Who did he think he is? I am the bloody warden-Commander of Fereldan, you put me down this instant! I wiggled with all of my might and started breathing his back with my fists. I ended up bruising my hands, so yeah; I did not think that one through.

"Cullen." I warned him rather gently because it certainly wasn't shrilly. No, I never half-screech the man's name in the same octave as Hooker-bitch 2. "Put me down right now."

"I'm not putting you down until we get to our room." Technically, it's just my room. Half of you freaking people just decide to show up in my room, and you don't sodding leave. Just yesterday I found Sten, Morrigan, and Dog in my room. If you are going to have a party n my quarters, at least have the common decency to invite me.

Uncouth bastards.

I swear some people just don't have manners. Now, that being said, I am currently trying to dislodge myself from Cullen's grasp. The man has gripped a sword one too many times because when they say iron hold, they mean it. "I don't want to go to _my_ room." I seethed out loud. "I have important saving all of Fereldan business that I need to see to." Really, I don't, but the man believes anything I tell him normally. I mean come on, he thought I really was forcing him to marry me when he caught me in my smalls. I mean, seriously, who does that? Who actually goes out and forces someone to marry them because they were caught in their unmentionables?

Well, me, but it wasn't really my idea…ok, well it sort of was…but in a roundabout way this is all Cullen's fault.

"You and I need to talk." What did you just say to me? Talk? No, we do not need to talk. I _need_ to go to that landsmeet and stick Alistair the Royal panty thief on the throne. That's what I _need_ to go do, because then and for some fading reason only then, can I have the damn human army I was promised about four months ago! I am so tired of putting people up to be the heads of a monarchy. I can solve the whole thing in one blow…put me on the damn throne for all the freaking kingdoms and we will never have a problem again!

It's not like it would be any harder than half the crap I am doing now. Is that an option though? Oh fade no! Why? Because that would make too much damn sense! Let's not be _logical_ about anything here, Fereldan. Let's not make the monarch and ruler of our country the exact same person that has gone out of their way, all the freaking time, to save this fair land. Nope! I swear there is some fat old man out there that said to himself 'Why don't we only go by bloodlines? That is a fantastic idea! Eventually when everyone has interbred and we have half-mabari people, will we change our strategy and start looking at _qualifications_ in order to be the leader! It's brilliant! It is genius, I say!'

Maker's whore! I hate bureaucracy!

…and Eamon, I hate Eamon too. Actually, come to think of it, there is not a whole lot I don't hate right now. In fact, I am pretty steamed with the entire situation. If you look at it from my perspective I get to do all of the work and really won't get a reward for anything. Granted, I am supposed to be doing this out of some fierce sense of duty, but I really think that only goes so far. I mean, would you be willing to do even half of what I have done just out of duty?

In my humble opinion there should really have even been all of this commotion. I should have been granted my damn army the moment I whipped out my Grey Warden treaties. Honestly, I should have been able to tell them. 'Wow, that's a damn shame. Give me my men.' And then everything would have been resolved and I would have been able to hunt the Arch Demon down _months_ ago. Months! Did I get to stop the blight before it truly became a problem? Fade no, I didn't! Instead I had the supreme honor of sorting through half of the problems in all of bloody Fereldan.

La-de-freaking-da for being a Grey Warden.

Cullen kicks open the door to our room and I was pulled from my thoughts. Right…you still want to talk to me, don't you? I sigh. Why not? It's not like I just went through a haunted orphanage, or saved dozens of people from slave trading and an insane blood mage. Now is the perfect time to discuss our relationship. Fine, whatever. Cullen sets me down and closes the door behind him.

"Now, I know you are upset about this morning." Are you…are you trying to chastise me? I feel very indignant about this already. "However, my not saving you from your sworn obligations…" My what? They are not my damn sworn obligations. I think I already covered this. I am, Maker-Damn, _Grey Warden_. I fight dark spawn. You remember dark spawn right? You know the things that bleed black blood and want to murder us all? Right. I have an obligation to kill them. All of them really, I won't even be picky about that. I do not…I'm going to repeat this for your benefit…I _do not_ have an obligation to solve petty squabbles with nobles, break curses, find craze dwarven broads, save possessed children, save deathly ill nobles, sort out a civil war, and solve my entire party's life problems.

Yet, I have done all of these things. I draw the fading line at being forced to go to one more damn place in order to get my damn army! Do they want the Arch demon to come slaughter them? Because if they do, that's fine by me; I don't have to stop it. You all go right on a head and defeat this blight yourselves.

You are all fading inconsiderate jackasses!

I have a crazy, off the wall question, when is someone going to come and solve my problems? Huh? Who is going to come from the other side of Fereldan and put aside everything for me? Hm…just as I thought; no one.

"Are you listening to me?" Eh? What? Crap, I forgot he was here.

I look up at him and glower. "Yes, I'm listening." I snap out; I don't have the first clue about what you even said. I love you very much, but I am not in a good mood right now. I was happy to take some time before the landsmeet, but since no one gives a flying bronto about my health, let's just get it over with.

He stares at me for a moment. "Well?"

I shrugged at him. "Well, what?"

"You are not mad about it?" Cullen asks me worriedly with a little relief mixed in.

"About you not stepping into save me?" I'm a little confused. I wasn't actually paying attention.

"No." He stares at me expectantly. "About me talking to Leliana about how to please you."

"Please me?" I choke out, oh Maker….no….The horror is crashing over me in waves.

Cullen waved his hands in a rolling motion and emphasized…Wh-Why are you blushing? "In…um…lovemaking."

….Did…you…just….?

I feel the room spin and tilt at that low blow to my pride. He didn't…he wouldn't. No one is that stupid. He must me jesting with me to lighten the mood. I look at him and I am sure I must look very stricken for the paleness that flashes across his own face. I'm going to kill him. No, I am going to kill her! Even better I am going to kill her, then him, and I will laugh as I have never laughed before!

There is just one itty-bitty thing that is bothering me…

YOU TALKED TO THE WHORE-BISCUIT ABOUT US HAVING SEX?

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I kicked Cullen out of our room last night. It wasn't even 'our' room anyway, it was 'my' room. I'm not mad. 'Mad' does not even begin to do justice to how furious I am. I rolled out of bed as the first rays of sun came peaking through my window. I got dressed. I went downstairs and broke my fast. I went and found Arl Eamon, who was already awake and eagerly waiting for me. I made sure to tell him that I was ready to go to the landsmeet today and he promised me that the news would be sent out within the hour and we could convene in two to three hours.

I'm sort of glad that I am in such a fury right now, because it will be an excellent advantage in dealing with Loghain…and should I just 'happen' to run the bawdy-bard through…well, wouldn't that be _such_ a shame? How would I sleep at night? Oh, I know, on like a baby on the pillows that are stashed away in my backpack. What? I told you I was taking them. Stop acting so surprised.

"My lovely Warden." A purr resounded in my ear. "What has you up so early? And looking so tense? Tsk tsk. A beautiful woman such as yourself should never look so…unhappy, no?" I sigh. Good morning, Zevran.

"Good Morning." I said casually. I think I could use some serious flirting right now. My ego is a bit stung that Cullen sought…sexual…advice from the song-slut. We could have just figured it out together, but no, not Cullen!

"Oh you wound me so!" Zevran dramatically put his hand to his heart. Hm…I bet I just destroyed your reason for living. I'm so sure.

I laugh in spite of myself. He has got to be the most wickedly charming elf on the face of Thedas! "Does your wound need a mage's touch?" I grinned at him impishly.

A returned grin and a smoldering gaze were shot my way. "I have many things that could use a mage's touch." He traced his fingertips on my arm and I batted his hand away. Such a shameless flirt!

I shook my head at his antics and asked him openly. "How would you like to come with me to the Landsmeet?"

"Of course my dear, for you I would willingly storm the Black City itself, never doubt it." Uh…ok… That is very, very sweet of you, but I really just wanted to rub the irony of having the man Loghain sent to kill me, with me when I kill him.

I'm a little uncomfortable now.

I smile at him anyway. "Thank you Zevran. I will find comfort in having you with me." That should let him know I think about him as a friend, right?

Apparently not. Holy Maker…he's kissing me again. You know, I know I shouldn't be doing this. I mean, I am with Cullen. I haven't ended our relationship and I suppose we are still betrothed. Zevran pulls away and I gape at him as if I have never seen him before.

"I love that I have that effect of women." Annnnddd…the mood is dead. Well, that saved me from anything embarrassing. Thanks Zevran, you really are a true friend. I smiled a small smile and patted his arm.

You have a great personality.

I went and rounded up Alistair and I had to bring Cullen. Honestly, I _had_ to. You see, if the Grey Wardens were going to make a stand against Loghain, then all Grey Wardens had to be present. Cullen is the newest recruit of our order and therefore I had to bring him along. Trust me; I am still not over what he did. Oh, not even close.

I brought Zevran along so that we could face the man that upended all of our lives. I would never dream of brining him just to piss off Cullen.

Never.

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Huh…for a second there I could have sworn I saw Cauthrien…my mind must be playing tricks on me. I killed her. I know I did. Well, that was bizarre.

Ok…what the fade? Once more I am highly irritated that I got a crappy shield when they must have spent a boat load of money on this damn palace. Rich bastards. I nod to my men and We open the door leading into the landsmeet. Why is everyone dressed like they are going to a masquerade? Who wears such loud colors all the time? Seriously? Green and bright orange…and you people make fun of mages for wearing brightly colored robes. You are hypocritical rich bastards. That is about six times worse than the regular ones.

Ok, out of my way. Excuse me. Warden coming through….yes, 'that' Warden. I hope the fade is tormenting you something fierce Meghan…

"My lords and ladies of the Landsmeet, Teyrn Loghain" Asshat. "Would have us give up our freedoms and traditions, out of fear!" And manipulation, can't forget the manipulation. "He placed us on this path." Fade yes he did! Burn the witch! Er…wait…uh…I have really got to stop hanging out with Templars. "Yet, we should place our own destiny in his hands?" Hey, it's your funeral. "Must we sacrifice everything good about our nation to save it?" I look around. Oh you damn morons. The answer is no. I rub my temples. Not even five minutes. I want to slaughter them all and I haven't even been in here for five minutes. I cough discreetly and started cheering on Arl Eamon's impassioned speech.

I watch, supremely satisfied, when others followed my example and a soon everyone is cheering. I'm serious, just let me rule. Fereldan will be amazing inside of a week.

"A fine performance Eamon." Pumpkin-tits! I missed you! "But no one here is taken by it." I'm sorry, have you seen Fereldan nobility? They are the most easily swayed group of people I have ever met, and I was raised in a damn tower for most of my life. Morrigan would actually agree that Alistair is going to be the most intelligent man here. "You would attempt to put a puppet on the throne" Oi! No one talks about my fellow Grey Warden like that. I can feel my magic twitter in anger. Alistair may be an idiot, but he's _my_ idiot. "And every soul here knows it." And what exactly do you have going on with Anora? Pot, I would like you to meet kettle. "The better question is who will pull the strings?" I felt my hand twitch, I snorted when I realized I almost raised it. That would have made a wonderful impression.

Ok, fuck it, I'm walking out there. This man is clearly an oxygen thief.

"Ah!" Could you be more circumspect? That's right, I have been arguing with Cullen recently. "And here we have the puppeteer!" Guilty. I also do children's birthday parties, but I charge double after three in the afternoon. I struck my best 'Kiss my ass' pose and stared at him with a smile on my lips.

Hello, Numb nuts.

"Tell us Warden. How will the Orlesians take our nation from us?" What in Thedas are you prattling on about? I have an Orlesian in my party and quite frankly they don't seem all that crafty. I know that it also insults Fereldan, but they really just seem focused on sex….and the Antivan's too. "Will they deign to send their troops?" How would _I_ know? I was born here you sodding dumbass. I was confined in this really large structure with stone walls. This same structure was filled with hundreds of men with sharp pointy swords that made sure I didn't go anywhere. If that wasn't a sufficient deterrent it was surrounded by a large body of water. What an ignorant Regent you are. "Or simply issue there commands through this would-be prince?" Oh gee…I don't know. Say Alistair, in-between us constantly fighting for our lives, when was the last time you spoke to the Queen of Orlais? You two used to chat all _the_ time! "How much Fereldan blood does Orlesian gold buy these days?" Oh I bet you think you are such a tough man getting your guards to block the path from one little creation mage.

Are you scared Loghain? You should be. You want to play the blame game, ok, I'm in. "The Blight is the threat here, not Orlais!" Hear that murmur in the crowd? Don't start a pissing contest with the Warden-_Commander_, bitch.

Hey! You're the half-naked templar's sister! "There are enough refugee's in my bannorn now to make that abundantly clear." Don't forget to vote for Alistair! Remember Therrin is fair-en. Meh…I'll come up with something later.

"The south has fallen Loghain!" Why, bless my stars, is that the depressed drunk from the tavern? Would you look at that! I grinned at Loghain. I don't people I know just turn up in the darndest places? "Will you let darkspawn take the whole country for fear of Orlais?" Uh…

Did none of you people hear about Ostagar? Well, what really happened at Ostagar anyway. He already tied to let the whole country be taken. I…ugh! Why do you think I am doing this in the first place? Gah!

"The Blight is indeed real, Wulff." You think? "But do we need Grey Wardens to fight it?" Are you for real? Do you see anyone else lining up to kill the bleeding Arch Demon? It's not as if there are try outs for the position or anything. "They claim that they alone can end the Blight." We do? Well, sorry I don't have all the answers for you…it's not like YOU KILLED MY ENTIRE ORDER off before I could be told any of this. "Yet, they failed spectacularly against the darkspawn at Ostagar." The shifting skies of the fade, we did. You left us for dead you slimy little bastard! "And they ask to bring with them four legions of chevaliers!" Hey, don't pin that on us. You signed the damn treaties, now honor them. And I never asked for chevaliers…I'm not freaking communicating with Orlais!

Can I kill him yet?

"And once we open our borders to them" Could you get rid of that annoying whine in your voice? You are giving me a headache. "Can we really expect them to simply return from whence they came?" Read my mind…I…don't…care.

"You allowed Rendon Howe to torture and imprison innocents." You want to play dirty? I can play dirty. You honestly have no idea who you are messing with, do you? I chuckle. Dumbass.

Right on time. "The Warden speaks truly!" Maker, I love it when people gasp and it isn't about my love life. "My son was taken under cover of night. The things done to him…some of them are beyond any healer's skill." Ouch…uh…hope you have a speedy recovery?

"Howe was responsible for himself" Backpeddling are we? Ohhh…no, no, I can't allow that. "He will answer to the Maker for any wrongs he has committed in this life, as must we all." Not fair! You do not get to hide behind the 'as the gods will' it excuse. I hadn't thought it possible to hate you more. It would seem I was wrong, and you will answer for your crimes. Give Meghan, Howe, Behlen, Cauthrien, Elrick, Kolgrim, Uldred, Jowan, and the others my regards would you? "But you know that." Psh. Like I ever went to the Chantry in my free time? I scoff at him "You were the one that murdered him." …and your point is? "Whatever Howe had done he should have been brought before me" Why? You weren't going to do anything except try to murder me! Or did you not notice Zevran, the assassin you hired, standing right behind me? "There is no honor in butchering a man in his home!" …wait…

Are you saying that there is honor in leaving thousands to die and hunting down the only chance Fereldan has of surviving? You weren't loved enough as a child, were you? "No?" I lift a brow in mocking response. "Then why did you send a blood mage to poison Arl Eamon?" I take malicious joy when he starts to sweat. What? Did you think I didn't know?

Yeah, you look around the room for escape like the slippery little snake you are. "I assure you, Warden. If I were going ot send someone, it would have been my own soilders." I laugh in his face. Bullshit! "I would not trust the discretion of an apostate!" Oh you are so full of it. I bet you didn't know that apostate was once my friend…I mean, it was a long time ago now, but we were kind of close. I helped him escape the tower, accidentally. I wince at the memory.

"Indeed?" Such sweet sarcasm. Come on, cry Loghain. Your tears sustain me. "My brother tells a very different tale. He says you snatched a blood mage from the Chantry's justice. Coincidence?" I think not. By the way, I love how you arch your eyebrow like that.

"Do not think the Chantry will overlook this, Teryn Loghain!" Oh Maker…I think my heart just stopped. Is…is the Chantry…actually _doing_ something! I'm dead aren't I? This is the afterlife already…it has to be. Or I have suffered a very bad blow to the head. "Interference with a templar's duties is an offense against the Maker!"

I'll take it! Ha! I'll take one of your templar's too Maker….all night long…damn you Oghren!

"Whatever I have done, I will answer for later."...yep! It's later! "At the moment, however, I wish to know what this Warden has done with my daughter?" Nothing I would have liked to do. My poor dagger is going blunt from lack of use.

You are a rude excuse of a man, aren't you? "We are talking about your crimes here." If we talk about mine, we will be here until winter solstice.

"You took my daughter-our Queen-by force!" No I didn't. You would be proud to know that she, however, a backstabbing little wretch just like her dear daddy. " You killed her guards in the process. What arts have you employed to keep her?" I can't get her to _leave_. "Does she even still live?" Unfortunately.

"I believe I can speak for myself." Ah…speak of the Hooker and the Hooker will come. "Lords and ladies of Ferledan, Hear me!" I wish you would shut up. "This Warden has slandered and defamed Fereldan's greatest hero." I did not say anything bad about myself, hooker-bitch 2. "In a bid to put an imposter on Maric's throne." Is anyone surprised she stabbed us in the back again? Well thank the Maker for small favors. Also, as a side note, do you know what the word imposter actually means? Because you used it incorrectly for its primary definition Alistair did not engage in deception under an assumed name or identity. You are stupid. Sorry, I channeled Leliana there for a moment and stated the obvious.

Please continue.

"I knew you were working with Loghain." You know, even though this could potentially end my life, I still love being right.

"I gave you the opportunity to come speak with me before Warden." I giggle…oh…you are not going to win Anora, you really should have quit while you were a head. "I know my father." Sure you do. "He would never do anything but the utmost for the sake of his country. " Sure he would. "But I needed to know _your_ mind Warden." Oh, it's simple enough. 'Coffee, chocolate, men…some things are better off rich'. Oh, and I want you dead. "You could have proven yourself and ally to Fereldan." Excuse me? I am the _only_ damn ally of Fereldan! "It is unfortunate for all of us that you did not." I'm going to compose a poem about this day, the day I gut you like the pig you are. Is there a word that rhymes with Hooker-bitch? Never mind, I'll go back and ask the Grand Oak, he'll know.

"Who here can say that Anora is not fit to rule this land?" Uh…Me? Or anyone with half a damn brain, so really, just me. "And who can say that this Alistair is?" I gave Alistair a winning smile and he grinned back at me. Once again, pumpkin-tits, Me. "We know nothing of him, save that he _may_ have royal blood." Oh, he's a royal bastard alright. Trust me. "For five years, Anora has been queen." What? Do you want a medal for that or something? "And proven herself worthy of the Therin name." I doubt that. "She can lead our people through this crisis. " She'd _throw_ them at the darkspawn until they became tired of killing everyone. "And I can lead her armies." Away from the darkspawn? "My lords and ladies, our land has been threatened before. It has been lost and won times beyond counting. " Great way to seek encouragement there buddy. "We Fereldans have proven that we will never be conquered so long as we are truly united." We aren't united Jackass. The only thing you have done is drive the land further apart. "We must not let ourselves be divided now." Dear Maker, there is so much bullshit flying out of his mouth I might have learn to swim. "Stand with me, and we will defeat even the blight itself!"

Uh…no, dumbass…you won't.

"Wardens! I'm With the Wardens!" Smart move.

"South Reach stands with Grey Warden Amell and the husband she faced countless demons for!" That's ri-…oh sod off! Cullen is smiling bashfully at me and I almost feel my resolve weaken. Well, we aren't married yet!

"Waking Sea stands behind the Grey Warden. Don't forget that she has breached the depths of the Black city and come back whole!" ….Oh I give up. Someone come shake me out of my mortified stupor when this is over.

"Dragon's Peak supports the Grey Warden who spoke with Andraste herself!" This is ridiculous…fading ridiculous. I didn't speak with Andraste, I defiled her remains for Maker's sake! Did Eamon not tell you I shoved her ashes in a little pouch that I stuck next to my dirty socks?

"The Western hills throw their lot in with the Wardens who slew every werewolf in the Brecillian Forest and united all the tribes of the Dalish. Maker help us." Kill me. Would someone please kill me? Hey Zevran, how would you like to go back to the Crows with your head held high?

"I stand by Loghain." Who said that? Man wearing red and yellow, you are so dead. "I don't care if she cleared the whole of the Deep Roads with only three lyrium potions and a day's worth of rations. We have no hope of victory without Loghain." You people really have nothing better to do, do you?

"I stand with the Warden who fought her way out of the horde at Ostagar with a wounded comrade at her side." …Sorry Alistair, I don't know where they heard this crap. "The blight is coming and we need The Wardens!" Damn right you do.

Ok, this has gone on long enough. You may continue to cheer for me, I can be generous. "The Landsmeet is against you Loghain." Ha ha ha ha ha ha "Stand down gracefully." As if you know what that means. I really am just taunting you before I kill you.

What can I say? I'm an evil mage.

Oh great…another speech. No, no one cares what you did twenty years ago. Or was it thirty? There is this big, nasty, and resurrected Old god I need to see to. In layman's terms it's called an Arch demon; sorry to ignore you but it's a little urgent. Go ahead insult the people; that will change their minds. Go on, I dare you.

I'm bored. "Call off your men and we will settle this honorably." I'm going to kill you. I sang in my head.

"Then let us end this." Finally! Why didn't we just do this to begin with? This is half an hour of my life that I will _never_ get back. I only have 29 ish years left asshole! "I suppose we both knew it would come to this." Yeah, whatever, fight me! "When we first met at Ostagar…" Oh shut up already! "I would never have thought so." Are you trying to bore me to death, because that is working. "But it seems like it happened in another lifetime, to someone else." You are as bad as Greagoir and his sappy chats! "A man is made by the quality of his enemies." I groan. Really? I have to hear this? Then I am an astoundingly bad man because all of my enemies are morons with delusions of grandeur. "Maric told me that once." And Wynne told me not to eat yellow snow, not everything is pertinent even if it sounds wise. Why would I even think about eating _yellow_ snow anyway? Do people stop and think 'It is yellow…I must have it!'? " I wonder if is more a compliment to you or me." You. "Enough." FINALLY! "Let the lands me declare the terms of the duel."

Uh, Alistair, give me your sword. Yes, I know how to use one…now really inst the time to argue this. Give me your damn sword!

"Will you face me yourself, or have you a champion?" See? Now I don't know what the rules were because you had to bitch so much Alistair. Meh. You are still better than Anora.

"I'll fight this duel myself." With pleasure. I hope you are watching Duncan, this one's for you and the others.

"It is you or me the men will follow." Oh, The Maker hates me enough, it is going to be me. He would have to like me to let me not face the Arch Demon. "Prepare yourself."

And a merry death to you too.

The nobles scurry away from us in a ring and whispers rumble through the crowd. I have little doubt a few people bet on us. I hold the sword I borrowed from Alistair, and we start to circle each other. I am the Queen of Circles Loghain and you really shouldn't have betrayed the Grey Wardens. He drew his weapon and I snarled in feral delight. He charged at me and I immediately used my gained knowledge of being an Arcane warrior and shifted slightly into the fade. I could tell he was flustered at being remarkably unable to hit me. My fingers wove and grasped at my magic as I stunned him with a well placed glyph. I channeled my magic inward to make my physical attacks more effective. It drains me fiercely but I have been waiting to show this off.

I swept into a series of blows that I rained down on him. Every time he roused himself into awareness I shot him back down or he was unable to actually hit me. I saw his strength was fading and I caught an admiring look or two from my fellow Wardens. A well placed arcane bolt followed by a swift strike of my blade brought him to his knees.

I like it when men kneel before me. Even in the not dirty way.

"I underestimated you." Tell me something I don't know. "I thought you were like Cailan" Whoa! I never wanted to be intimate with Anora! Have you seen a broodmother before? Let me tell you, the similarities are endless. I- "A child wanting to play at war." Oh…uh…no, I was running away from a rumor mill at the Circle where I lived. Funny story, I actually ended up fulfilling that rumor. Talk about an odd situation! Oh right, I'm killing you…still, it's a funny story. "I was wrong. There is a strength in you I have not seen anywhere since Maric died." Flattery? My, my Loghain, I am speechless, but you are not my type. "I yield."

Yeah, I think I got that.

"You'll die for what you have done." I see Alistair nod satisfied. I know, I am awesome, aren't I?

"Wait." How about no? Oh, hi Riordan. "There is another option." Where the fade were you about five minutes ago? I looked at Zevran who shrugged at me. Riordan, do you get you jollies off on making me do unneeded work? Another option, my ass. "The Tyern is a warrior and general of renown." Who I just beat. "Let him be of use; let him go through the joining.'

You are out of your damn mind. "You want to make him a Warden?" You crazy son of a bitch. "Why?"

"There are three of us in all of Fereldan." I shift my glance to Cullen. Well, we already have another recruit…so, I don't need Loghain. There will be four soon enough. "And there are …compelling reasons to have as many Wardens on hand as possible to deal with the Archdemon." Let me think about that….

No!

"The joining itself is often fatal, is it not?" Wait a damn minute! How does _Anora_ know that? Wasn't that some big secret that no one was supposed to know? What the Fade! "If he survives you gain a general. If not you have your revenge. Doesn't that satisfy you?" No, not really. I have this sword and I plan to use it.

"Absolutely not!" Yeah, you tell him Alistair! "Riordan, this man abandoned our brothers and then blamed us for the deed!" I nodded sagely at his outburst. You know, I never gave Alistair enough credit. "He hunted us down like animals!" Indeed he did, albeit _extremely_ poorly. "He tortured you. How can we simply forget that?" I don't know, Riordan might have liked the torture. Those Orlesians are freaky…case and point…Leliana.

"No. Loghain has to die for his crimes!" I want to use the sword curse you all! I never get to behead anybody!

"You can't do this!" Watch me. "My father may have been wrong." I snort. Wrong answer Hooker-bitch 2. _May have_, did you hear that? Yeah, Alistair heard that too. "But he is still a hero to the people." No, I am a hero to the people lady, not your betrayer of a father.

"Anora, Hush." Thank you. Someone else wants her to shut her trap too. "It's over." Almost, its almost over.

"Stop treating me like a child. This is serious." …well…duh.

"Daughters never grow up Anora." Yours should have been drown at birth. That's just a healers opinion though. Take of it what you will. "They remain six years old with pigtails and skinned knees, forever." Cullen, stop getting that glazed look in your eyes. We are not having kids. I don't care what you heard in the tower, but I am not giving you one dozen children. Don't even think about it.

"Father!" Alright, I am not a monster Anora, I was going to do it quickly. Sheesh.

"Just make it quick Warden." Will do. "I can face the Maker knowing Fereldan is in your hands." Good for you. Now do I take a running start for this…or do I just…you know what? Suddenly I don't feel alright doing this with so many people watching me.

"Alistair. You do it." He nods to me and takes his sword from my hands.

"I will. I owe that to Duncan." Yeah…for Duncan…and stuff.

FADING MAKER! He didn't even hesitate as he hauled back and chopped of Loghain's head from stationary position. I stood there with my mouth open in shock as the blood sprayed across Anora, who feel to her knees. Loghain's lifeless body fell to the ground and everyone gathered round.

Back off and give the girl some air you vultures! I'm not heartless. He did deserve it though. I'm just saying.

"Then it is decided Alistair will take his father's throne." Eamon declared and I nodded my agreement.

"Wait, what?" What do you mean 'what'? Oh for crying out loud… "When did this get decided?" Why do you think we were arguing in the Landsmeet? For fun? Royal Bastard! "Nobody's decided that, have they?" Uh, yeah, we kind of did.

"He refuses the throne!" Oh you little bitch. I can't believe I felt pity for you. Your father's blood is still warm on the floor and you are already trying to get back into the seat of power? You are ruthless, I will give you that. "Everyone has heard him. I think it is clear then that he abdicates in favor of me then." That is in no way clear Serpent-Queen.

"I hardly think you are the appropriate person to mediate this Anora." Indeed. I'm surprised that you thought it out by yourself Eamon. Usually by now… "Will you help us Warden?" …of course. Of course you all can't decide a damn thing for yourselves even after you have already sided with the Wardens and I defeated the opposition in a duel.

Who do you think I am going to chose? I don't have a 'Queen Anora forever' tattoo on my face. Damn inbred nobles!

"I'm ready to choose." The room goes deathly quiet and I like that. There is silence. Anymore I would give my right arm for silence.

"At the arbiter of the dispute." Please no more titles. I can't stand another sodding title. "What is your decision? Who will lead Fereldan." Sadly, choosing myself isn't an option. Curse this sexy magic of mine. Oh who am I kidding? Being a mage is amazing.

Focus Solona…

Wow, there are a lot of people just staring at me aren't there? My hands itch and I feel like I am back in the tower all those months ago. "A-Alistair!" I shouted into the deafening silence. I could have sworn he muttered something that sounded like 'I love the way you scream my name.' But I'm not sure.

Or at least, I hope I am wrong.

I watch in open amusement as Anora is denounced from her queen hood and refuses to swear to stay away from the crown. I pulled Zevran aside as Alistair takes over speaking with the public.

"When the blight is over, make sure Anora is taken care of." I whispered sweetly in his ear. Cullen narrowed his eyes and I saw his face flush bright red at the exchange.

"Whatever you wish of me, my dear." Zevran rumbled lowly. His hand came up to caress my face. I stood there startled at the contact.

Alistair is rambling on. Get to the blight already. The Landsmeet is ended with the lingering words of Alistair's promises and Arl Eamon as Regent. I am declared the leader of King Alistair's armies. I giggled at his new title. The royal bastard is now King Bastard! All hail King Bastard! He tells me we have to get going because Fereldan is depending on us. I smile and nod.

I walked over to Riordan and informed him in no uncertain terms that Cullen needed to participate in the Joining ritual. He quickly agreed and left to get the mages started on preparing the concoction. I was whistling as I returned to the group.

There was nothing like knowing your lover was going to choke on darkspawn blood to serve as a sufficient warning to never speak to the whore-Biscuit again.


	27. Chapter 27

**Oh thank you, truly and heartily, to all that reviewed. I appreciate the few moments you took to give me feed back! Sorry it has taken so long to post again. I was actually thinking about abandoning my stories, but this one is so close to completion (and I promised to finish it) that I kept going.**

**Rated M, I do not own dragon age.**

***grumbles* Cullen would have been a party member/romance option if I did. **

OoOoOo

I don't fading believe it!

I am actually worried about Cullen. I have been trying very hard to ignore the tiny evil Alistair running amuck in my head spouting off nonsense about 'he might not survive being a Warden'. Curse you conscience! I hate it when you get out of your cage. Being out of your cage is a privilege and not a right!

Still, I am nervous about him up and dying on me. If he dies on me who is going to help me defile temples? I mean no one except Zevran. Who's going to blush at me and stutter when I say something inappropriate? Well, except Alistair. But, no matter who else could do something with me, there is only one Cullen. I have worked too hard to keep him away from that bard-slut.

Damn wench!

I can honestly tell you what possessed me to grab Cullen's hand and drag him out of the throne room yelling that we would be going alone and be back in time to make the recruit swallow the worst tasting bile in Thedas. It was that damn whore-biscuit again. Her with her perky boobs just falling out. That immoral hussy! Who does she think she is? Especially with her _touching_ **my** man again. I do not share. I hiss curses at her in my head and if I were capable in entropy magic she would have gotten it!

I waved at Riordan as I pulled a stumbling Templar behind me. Cullen is sputtering, that is such a sweet quality in a man, but not after he has been tainted by slutiness. "Whe-where are we going?"

I snarled at him because I can practically smell Leliana's cloying perfume and I am near gagging. "To the Chantry."

I have to yank on his arm rather hard to get him moving because he stopped in the middle of the hall. "Why are we going to the Chantry?" He asks me in a very soft voice, it was almost breathless.

I couldn't stop myself from whirling around and looking at him with frankness written on my face. "To get married, of course." Why the fade else would I, a mage, be going to a religious zealot breeding ground? Come on now.

Uh… you're not going to faint on me now are you? I peered up into his shocked face and I am going to be very blunt… men are confusing. I thought the fade was bad. Sure it had shifting skies and soul-destroying demons, but nothing is as disorienting as being in a relationship with a templar. Maker's ass hairs!

Whoa! Put me down! Put me down Cullen! OH the world is spinning and he is shouting happily. That's very nice sweetie, the mage would like to have her feet on the floor now. I don't mind the kiss though, feel free to continue that.

"You mean it?" Cullen asks me and I am having trouble sorting out my thoughts. Have I ever mentioned you kiss very well? I am so glad I taught you! It had better have been me and not the disease carrying lay whore you like so much. She had best hope the Arch Demon finds her before I do.

Right! You want an answer. "Yes, my love." Huh…that sounds very wrong coming out of my mouth. Note to self: no more corny endearments aloud, end note.

"But…Lel-" He started and I glared at him for a moment. I don't doubt I looked very much like an angered cat that had been threatened with a bath in ice water. Don't you dare say her name. I will sodding break you. Cullen sucks in a breath and smiles brightly instead.

Interesting diversion tactic, please continue.

"I promise I will make you happy." He swore reverently to me. Oh my, I think I'm crying. That is so sweet. The man looked for all of Fereldan like he was taking vows more important than those he had taken to become a templar.

I smiled at him. This is such a tender moment that I want to say something equally as from the heart; but all I can come up with are lines that Oghren has fed me after ten or so bottles of wine. I sift through the least offending of the lot and the best I am able to come up with is "I was born into this world to bring you pleasure." Hm…I think he took that the wrong way.

Want to make the throne room ready for Alistair's coronation? That giant throne of his looked _awfully_ comfortable.

Well, looks like we are moving again. Cullen grabs my hand and practically starts yanking me, _me_, out the doors and down the steps. I take a hasty look down at my robe and shrug, as well as one can with only one lax shoulder. Something old, my robe; something new, Loghain's blood on me; Something borrowed, …don't tell Zevran; Something blue…huh…blue….er….hey look I have a bruise! It's perfect.

On the plus side, if we really don't like being married to each other, or if I have second thoughts, if he doesn't survive the joining….I'm single again! Oh calm down, I am just trying to keep myself from being so freaking nervous. I'm going to be Mrs. Cullen…what the fade is his last name? I peek up at the ecstatic face of the former templar and I can't help but mull that thought over. He does have a last name right? Oh maker, I hope it isn't something stupid like Farfarnickle.

Eww…Solona Farfarnickle.

Ok, new plan. I will marry him only if his last name doesn't suck. There. I am leaving it up to fate. I am a magical genius. Take that Morrigan! Proof that you can be smart and not show cleavage.

Hm…You know what? With every step we take, there is this tiny part of me screaming to run, I'm a little more nervous. This is normal right? I mean, marriage is _forever_. Not to state the obvious or anything, but forever is a very long time. I'm beginning to think we should just be frie-

…ah ha ha ha…. Greetings Reverend mother. I shift my gaze about to look for an escape route and they seem to be sorely lacking. The news of the landsmeet has already spread extremely fast and all eyes are on me. Have I ever mentioned that I hate being stared at? Oh, good, just so you know I still hate it.

"We wish to be married." Do you have to practically shout that? I don't think they heard you in Orlasis! I grinned sickly at the priestess. My stomach doesn't feel so good.

What if Cullen up and dies on me? The bastard!

The revered mother gives me a wide smile and that doesn't help at all. Am I in the fade? I'm dreaming right now aren't I? Is the air a bit stale in here? Hm? My mind fades from my body as the first lucid notes of the chant float out of the woman's mouth. Does everything really need to have the Chant? I mean really, I hear the damn thing from sun up to sun down. I am surrounded by religious nuts and assholes. And they are not always separate!

"I do." Huh? I whip my head up to stare at Cullen. I bite my lip at his wide smile and shining eyes. I supposed it wouldn't be too bad to be married to Cullen.

The maker's chatterbox looks to me and repeats the same all-encompassing question. For a moment I swear to you everything stopped. This was it. This was _forever_. "I do." I do? I did? What the fade did I just do?

…..hmmmm…..I like kisses.

OoOoOo

I really am going to have to ask my dear husband what the fade my last name is. I have been finding it extremely convenient that we give up all titles in the Grey Wardens, because well, I doubt people would be much impressed with a Grey Warden that doesn't even know her own last name.

I'm getting to it….Sort of. It's on my to-do list, which I will have you know, is a little full. What with the 'Save the world' task still left unchecked.

Also, Cullen likes to gloat. A lot. It has been vaguely funny watching him strut back to the palace. That's ok; he still has to drink the foulest concoction known to man…and monkeys. What's a monkey? Well, to put it simply they are furry animals that have two arms and legs. They screech and according to Sten, they fling their own excrement. What? No we don't recruit monkeys into the Grey Wardens. I only brought that up because I thought it would be funny. Oh fade take it all. Shut up and listen to the rest of the story, damn you.

I swear, some people's children.

Now, yes, Cullen did have to drink the blood. Yes, I was so very scared for him that I tried to trip Riordan twice. Long story short, it didn't work out well and I owed him a new pair of boots. By the way, prissy damn Orlesian wardens have some sodding expensive boots. I don't even own jewelry as expensive as his boots. Which tells me that he is compensating for something….yes; that was a penis joke.

It was a great relief that Cullen survived. I do have to state that there was more than one heartfelt groan at my husband's success. I shot dirty looks at all three culprits. Scarily enough, one of them was Sten. I am never going to ask and I fading am sure he will never tell. Or I hope he won't or I will cry myself to sleep with a knife and a bottle of rum.

So now, there are four Grey Wardens in all of Fereldan. Denerim was suitably impressed. I was very happy, up until the point that we were told to head off to Redcliffe. I am really hoping the Arch demon is going to sly his happy little ass up to fight us soon. I am getting too many damn blisters for this. There has been one question I just can't answer.

The Arch demon has been awake for almost a year now, there were already countless darkspawn around and it has made a plethora more; it could have attacked at any time and we all would have been decimated, but it chose to wait until I had my armies ready to come kill it. ….Why? I'm not terribly worried because about the final battle against the dark spawn because they appear to be lead by a reincarnated dumbass.

No, I mean that. This ,whatever Tevinter old god, can supposedly plunge the world into ultimate ruin; but it can't function well enough to strike us for the last year. What in the name of Theadas has this thing been up too? Knitting wool caps?

Worst Evil God….Ever.

I grumbled to my party members that we were off to Redcliffe. They looked at me with varying emotions from joy to fear. Yeah, it'll pass. Let's go kill an Arch Demon.

OoOoOo

Uh…What's with the large group of people staring at a stump?

There is a Blight going on out here people. Hello, I'm the Grey Warden Commander of Fereldan; mind telling me what in blazes you are all doing just standing around here? You could, oh I don't know, be in some damn armor and fight for the cause.

They part as I walk closer to the stump that has a random axe sticking out of it. Ok, I have seen some really freaky things in these last eight months, but …what the fuck? I walked around the stump some more. Yep, that is an axe. The people have formed a half circle around me and watch with very attentive stares.

….ok…

I approach this seemingly fascinating stump. They start to whisper about how I must be 'the one'. The one what? I made a quizzical glance at the unknown faces and they eagerly look back at me. Um, alright then. I look between the axe and the people and then back at the axe.

Well, it looks stuck. I tenderly reach down and curl my fingers around the hilt. The strangers all seem to hold their breath and I give one hard tug and the thing comes out with ease. You people didn't even try to get this out did you?

"It really is her! The chosen one!" A female cooed at me with utter seriousness. It's official; this is creepier than anything I have encountered to date. My party members look equally disturbed.

"Why is she the chosen one?" That is a good question. The portly man in question sneers at me.

Um, hello? I have a freaking axe in my hand and you want to pick a fight? I scoffed at him.

"She pulled the axe out of the stump." I get praise for that? Eh, alright. I'll take praise.

"So?" ….yeah.

"So! She's got to be the one that will defeat the blight and save Fereldan."

For pulling an axe out of a stump? I expect someone to laugh or joke, but they continue to look at me with adoration.

The Blight is really getting to people.

But hey, I have an axe!


	28. Chapter 28

**Ok, so…yeah…that was a typo earlier…I **_**meant**_** to say I will finish this after Christmas…ha ha ha…**

**Yeah, fine, I suck at lying. **

**Anyway! Thank you my dear readers and reviewers for you plethora of comments and kudos that made my days! Also, you will notice that I poke fun at the lines used about sensing darkspawn. Solona will talk about only being able to sense the darkspawn when she sees them. I'm serious; watch that fact in the game. Your character is looking right at them, and suddenly it's 'I sense darkspawn', No... you do not! You SEE the damn darkspawn!**

**I own nothing, this has yet to have been suitable for work…so I shouldn't need to remind you ;D **

**Enjoy!**

OoOoOo

When I find that bleedin' Arch demon I am going to ram my blade so far up it's…

Perhaps I should take a moment to explain to you just why I am envisioning the tainted old god spitting out my shoulder while the rest of me remains on the ground. Well, you see, it would seem that my 'new friend' the Arch demon, is more intelligent than all the military forces of Fereldan. Yeah…I know; it's not saying much, is it? Irrespective of the fact that the horde was seen marching this way, while I and my merry band of death bringers marched are butts all the way across the land again; we got the wonderful welcome of that same damn man standing on the bridge.

That was the first clue something might not have been right…

Then the man started shouting about darkspawn and death; blah blah blah. I really do just tune them out anymore. I mean come on, all I ever hear is 'Warden that Hurlock ate my baby!' or 'Help help I'm going to die!'. No one ever asks how I am feeling, or how my day was. I am beginning to think that Duncan died just so he wouldn't have to deal with all this horseshit. You know what? If I die during all this, I am kicking his ass in the fade. I can navigate it, why not?

And it starts, I get to tell the man to run away…even though I personally think he should stay and help me kill the damn things. My Husband has been rather persistent at being my human shield. Something he and Alistair have spent _countless_ hours arguing about. It would seem that Alistair, the King of Panty-thieving bastard, believes that because he was my fighting partner first, he is entitled to remain as such. Now Cullen, on the other hand, sees that it is his right as my husband to be my protector. Alistair countered that it was his right as the senior Grey Warden between the two of us and as the king.

Where the hell was that attitude for the last year? Where was that when _I_ had to deal with the crazy abomination known as Flemeth? Where was that when we had to face Uldred? Heck, where was that when I had to put you on the damn throne! ?

I am so taking his stuff. Asshole.

So, once again, I resolved the conflict by charging head first into battle, pushing Leliana in front of me. What? I wasn't trying o kill her. Don't look at me like that. I care very deeply for Leliana. I do! Honestly, I have nothing but the deepest respect for the lay-sluts of the chantry. Huh? No, I did not say lay-slut I said lay-sister. Lay-sister….hush, you are ruining the story.

Where was I? Ah yes, we slaughtered darkspawn down the path that lead to the village. I have to tell you, seeing all the buildings I had saved earlier burning and all the bodies strewn upon the ground felt very defeating. What the heck had I saved them for? They just went off and died anyway. Couldn't I have just skipped that part then? I turn my back on them for a few months and they go and die on me.

I had better still have my army after this. I swear by the Maker's infected pustules if I don't have the human army because of this…..UGH!

My companions and I killed several waves of Darkspawn that just kept on popping out of nowhere. I firmly deny that I shrieked, I don't care what Morrigan says. When the last of the gruesome little toads lay dead at my feet, we started back up the path. Who cut this path? This is as bad as Haven. Arl Eamon couldn't be bothered to level this beast at some point? I just killed over twenty darkspawn! Do you know how draining that it? No! You don't! It takes a lot of magic and energy to destroy those little blighters.

My face is turning red and I am huffing as we crest the hill and start toward the Redcliffe castle. I groan at the long walk ahead of us. I don't want to keep doing this. As soon as the Blight is over I am sitting down in a damn chair, kicking my feet up, and gorging myself until I am too portly to leave the room. Cullen, dear, I hope you are ready for a wife that wants to look like a broodmother.

Eww….Ok, maybe not that bad, but I am going to sit down and not move for hours. Hours I say!

"We are not alone….really not alone." Yeah, I got that. Thank you Alistair, you have two other grey Wardens with you. We can all sense them; you're not special you know.

"Sensing them feels…odd." Cullen muttered behind me. I snuck a look as he ran past me to take on some Hurlock archers head-on. Meh, I only seem to sense them when I am staring straight at them. I have no idea why Alistair thinks we can sense them in the surrounding area. I have felt them only after they have started attacking me. It was strange, I felt the urge to shout 'I sense more darkspawn approaching' but they were standing _right there_ and one was even taking a swing at me. I think it was a residual effect of Oghren's special brew.

I know, I know, I don't know why I did it either… Is that a Reverant? What the fade is a Reverant doing here? They never run around with the darkspawn and suddenly these is one just standing here outside of the besieged gates of the Arl's home.

Well, you don't see that every day.

"Warden!" Uh…which one? "I was told to watch for your arrival." You don't say. "Your comrade, Riordan, arrived just ahead of the darkspawn attack." And that lazy little bastard wasn't out here fighting? What the fade is wrong with these people? What happened to 'Grey Wardens are brothers and sisters no matter what' ? "He has urgent news for you." Of course he does! Who doesn't have urgent news for me? Why no one! That's who. I rub my hand against my face.

"Take me inside." I can't believe I have to tell you this. I would have thought it would be common sense that I wanted to go inside and finish all this business. "There must be no more delays." Stare at me later Mr. Red-beard; I have a world to save here.

"I should take you to the hall right away, my lady." Yes you should….so move! "They'll be waiting for you there." I don't doubt that. Bunch of lazy inbred bastards…no offense Alistair.

Great…Bann Teagan lived…damn. Oh and Isolde is still alive as well? Why couldn't you people at least had the decency to die? Is there a word larger than torture? If there is I could really use it right now. Smile Solona; give them the cold eyes of insincerity. Ahh, lovely.

"It is a relief to see you unharmed." Why thank you Riordan, are you well? Did you have a nice rest, while I was out there _fighting my ass off?_ "And you as well Alistair….or should I say, your majesty?" You can call him whatever you want, I am sticking with Royal Bastard. I think it suits his personality.

"Er no….I wouldn't say that, not yet anyway." He gingerly replies. Yeah…how does it feel to be thrust into power you never wanted? I hope it feels like burning….

I don't think that made sense, but I'm sticking with it.

"The darkspawn that attacked Redcliffe was relatively few in number." Well…shit. I groused behind my breath. It wasn't just me thinking that. Crrraaaappp. I whine in my head. Don't say it! "It was assumed the horde was marching in this direction." Assumed? Fades bells! You…you…damn Orlesian! Don't worry; I will come up with a more creative insult for you late. Right now, it would be too rushed. "But that is not true." I'm going to count to ten before I kill you.

Ten! I was ready to leapt at him and rip his throat out when Alistair interrupted me. "What? Are we sure about this?" You're right, there information has been less than credible lately. "I mean….it that's true…"

"Riordan tells us the bulk of the horde, is in fact, heading toward Denerim. They are perhaps two days away from the capital." Eamon…do you mean to tell me…that the horde is heading toward the place I just sodding came from? Is that what you are telling me? I could have saved myself a trip and even had time to bolster the defenses of our capital city if I had stayed put? ARE YOU REALLY TELLING ME THAT?

Stop eyeing me with concern Wynne; they won't arrest me for murder until _after_ the arch demon is dead. You all owe me this at the very least. "I ventured close enough to 'listen in', as it were. I am quite sure." Riordan you shut your damn mouth! I am coming after you next!

"Why" I spoke slowly and I did not even bother to hide my murderous intent. Oh yes, I am going to mage rage and it will not be pleasant. "Did we think they were headed here?" KILL KILL KILL KILL! In my mind there is a horn blowing that sounds suspiciously like that.

Yeah, stutter out your pathetic excuse you old Warden Bastard. "The darkspawn line is wide, and many of them roam away from the main horde." And? "Until now, most of them have been spotted here in the west." What kind of poor excuse for a rogue are you? Seriously? You couldn't see that thousands of sickeningly grinning darkspawn were all but skipping for the capital? Skipping!

"Not to mention that we've been too busy killing each other to pay attention to some silly old darkspawn horde." Now is not the time for jocularity Alistair. You don't miss _thousands_ of darkspawn. You and I both have seen ogres …they are kind of hard to miss.

"There is, I'm afraid one other piece of news that is of even greater concern." There is a splitting headache blazing up the side of my head. Ok, fine. Spit it out Riordan. Come on, I can take it. Maker knows I don't have a choice in the matter. What do you need me to do now? Fart rainbows? "the archdemon has shown itself." I knew that already jackass. Did you forget that I was in the blasted Deep Roads and it/he/she flew right above me? Ugh! You are all idiots. I am surrounded by idiots! "the dragon is at the head of the horde." …shocking…

"Maker preserve us!" Maker, don't make it so damn tempting to kill these people!

"But we can't reach Denerim in two days, can we? It's too far." Well, Alistair, we tried. I hear Antiva is nice this time of year, what do you think Cullen?

"We.." You mean me. "Must begin a forced march to the capital immediately, with what we have." What I have spent the best part of a year gathering while the rest of you molted-nosed bastards at around waiting to be rescued? "Denerim must be protected at all costs." Then why did you have me leave it? Maker, I know you and I have had our… disagreements in the past, but it you could somehow have a plague come down and wipe out all of the Fereldan Nobility, except for Alistair, that would be great.

"The Arch demon is what is important." …Obviously. I don't care what you think but the fact remains that we need to get rid of the problem. Or am I still the only one who gets that?

"And only Grey Wardens can defeat the Archdemon. That is why we must go." Wow…you think? I am sure the Archdemon will die choking on its own laughter when all _four_ Grey Wardens come storming out after it. I know I'm petrified by that image.

"Arl Eamon, how long before the army can set out?" My army. I hiss in my head. What? I am the damn leader in all of this and we all know it. So it is _my _army.

"By day break…" I snort and it carries throughout the room. Oh, screw you and your high horse, I am not apologizing.

"Then let's get them ready." Why they weren't ready before I will never know; If you knew about this before the darkspawn attack and all. "I won't let all those people die without giving them a fighting chance." Huh…so you do have a backbone in there. I am truly proud of you Alistair.

Then it occurs to me. I did forget to ask one thing. "And how are we supposed to defeat this Archdemon?" It seems like a fair question to me.

"You know, I was wondering that myself." Alistair whispers at me. I know, its odd that no one has seen fit to tell us how to kill it yet. Or that there aren't…oh….I don't know…stories that depict in explicit detail how one kills the Archdemon. Personally, should I survive this, I will etch the damn instructions on the Circle tower walls.

"Then…you don't know?" Yeah, that puts my fears to rest. That didn't sound ominous at all. Jackass. "Of course not. You are all new recruits, Duncan wouldn't have expected…" Why do I have a feeling this is going to turn into a 'you get the shaft' moment?

Arl Eamon turns to Bann Teagan-no-long-eye-candy and starts barking orders. "I will give the orders to leave at once, and will notify you the moment we are ready to march." How kind of you.

"That would be appreciated." Don't strain yourself or anything on our account.

"Perhaps you , Alistair, and …Cullen should meet me before you retire for the evening. There are… things we need to speak of." What? No. No we do not need to speak of a damn thing. I am going to go haul ass back to Denerim, a place I only left because _you_ bastards said I had to, and kill an Archdemon. Its official I fading hate the Grey Wardens. Can I go back to the tower now please? I don't care what I said about it before. I don't care that the walls are still likely splattered with blood, guts, and things I don't even want to imagine.

Screw the Wardens; I'm going back to being a Circle mage.

OoOoOo

'_There you are, let's go see what Riordan has to say.'_ That's what you sound like Alistair. You sound like a whining little whipping-boy and it's for that precise reason why I chose Cullen. Well, that and I didn't get that you liked me until after I fell in love with him…what? I can't be perceptive all of the time.

…..er….most of the time really. Actually it is a miracle I have lived this long. Let alone managed to unite all the armies of Fereldan. Hm. Perhaps I really am the opposite of Andraste because she got to die before the big end battle. Cheeky wench. I eye my husband speculatively. If you sell me out to the darkspawn I will haunt your ass forever. For-freaking-ever.

"You're all here. Good." I hate you and I hope you die a horrible but hilarious death. "Please know, I had assumed you had already been told." Well, you know what they say about assuming things. It makes an ass out of you. Meh. I am not the best speller. "Otherwise, I would've told you when you freed me in Denerim, I'm sorry." I'm sorry I freed you too. You have been nothing but a pain in my ass. Really, I am not being glib. My ass spontaneously hurts when you are around form all the additional walking you force me to do.

"What is it? What are you apologizing for?" Good question King Bastard! I see my choice to put you on the throne is not a poor one. One day, just about the time we reach the Deep Roads to die off, I will tell you the truth. I just didn't want hooker-bitch2 to have it. It really had nothing to do with you at all. But…until then…smile!

"Tell me, have you ever wondered why the Grey Wardens are needed to defeat the darkspawn?" If you want the truth; No. No I never wondered that. I'm not being sarcastic, a shock I know, and I honestly never wondered that. I just assumed they were the only one's brave enough to face a 200-foot dragon.

"I assume it has something to do with the taint within us?" I glance from side to side. I am talking out of my hindquarters and I know that. However, it sounded like a fine idea at the time.

"That is exactly what is involved." Score! Point to the mages! "The Archdemon may be slain as any other darkspawn." Fantastic! Why are we so worried then? "But should any other than a Grey Warden do the slaying, it will not be enough."…..ok…."The essence of the beast will pass through the taint to the nearest darkspawn and will be reborn anew in that body." That…is…awesome! What? Oh come on, just because it's threatening to destroy all life as we know it does not mean that I cannot appreciate how intriguing that little line of defense is. I have to hand it to the Archdemon, which is one crafty beast. "The dragon is thus all but immortal." Hey! Hey. Hey now, I don't like anyone to use the 'I' word since my discussion about Morrigan's mother. "But if the Archdemon is slain by a Grey Warden…" ….? Stop pausing so much curse you! Ugh! You are working on my last nerve. Why don't people speak properly outside of the tower? They start sentences they don't finish, they pause for absurdly large amounts of time, and they always seem to be delivering bad news. This. This right here is why no one likes talking to Fereldans. "Its essence travels into the Grey Warden instead." Fade take it all! Why is it that just about everything is trying to worm its way into my body? Maker's malformed toes! I have Cullen, Alistair, Zevran, Demons, Flemeth, darkspawn taint, and now a bleeding Archdemon! Go away! This body is taken damn you!

"And…and what happens to the Grey Warden?" I wince when my voice cracks. I have the feeling I know exactly what happens.

"The darkspawn is an empty, soulless, vessel. " Like Morrigan. "A Grey Warden is not." Yeah, thanks sweet cheeks, I think I knew that already. "The essence of the Archdemon is destroyed." That's good. "And so is the Grey Warden." That's….bad. The absurdity of the statement just caught up with me. What? OH! What a shock! You mean the Wardens have to die in order for an Archdemon to be truly slain? So that in death sacrifice crap was to be taken at face value? Of course it was. Why not? I mean, it's not like you could really advertize 'join the Grey wardens…any way you look at it you die!'. Drink the blood, you could die. Survive the joining and fight darkspawn on a daily occurrence, you could die. Live through that and you can fight and Archdemon, where you most likely will die. If…IF…by some miracle you defeat the Archdemon you get to go mad in thirty years or so and_ then_ you get to die!

Who the fade joins these people willingly?

Oi! Don't look at me. I was going to be taken to Aenor for helping out Jowan, who I still think I should have been allowed to gut, and at the time when I did not know all the details joining the Warden's sounded like a great plan. To be blunt with you, I'm rather pissed that I am going to die before Wynne. I mean look at the woman a strong breeze could knock her over. She's about one hundred years old already and leaching off of a fade spirit…and _I'm _going to die at the tender age of 19 or 20. Huh…has my birthday passed yet?

Great. I don't know my last name or my age. Maker this is just sad. Well, no one else seems to be worried that I am the best hope for Fereldan, I have a few choice words about that too, so I am not going to mention this tidbit.

Uh…Why are you looking at me Riordan? Oh elfroot! You were talking to me weren't you? Damn….eh…."Why is this kept a secret? Why doesn't everyone know this?" This might have been something I would have wanted to know…asshole.

"We keep it a secret for the same reason that the joining is kept a secret. Who would become a Grey Warden if they knew the end that might await them?" Fuck you! I flip him a rude gesture and Alistair nods in agreement. Cullen coughs but it sounded rather strained so I am reasonably certain he was trying not to laugh. Riordan glares at me and I scowl in return. "And yet there _must _be Grey Wardens. Without us, there is no hope." I hope you choke on the Archdemon's left testicle. I really do.

"So it's up to the four of us to kill this thing?" Suddenly, I almost wish I had let Loghain live. Nah, still happy he's dead.

"In blights past" Yeah, all _four _them. Let us be completely honest here, we do not exactly have this down to an art. There could be other solutions we are not aware of just yet. "When the time came the Eldest of the Grey Warden's would decide which amongst them should take the final blow." You. You are by far the eldest here. Then it falls to the man I just put on the throne, then me, and finally Cullen. Great. Now I am going to have to find some way to incapacitate Cullen, while I rush off to my death.

Where is Zevran?

"If possible the final blow should be mine to make. I am the eldest and the taint will not spare me much longer." Yeah, no one is going to argue about that with you. Go out in a bang…blah blah blah. "But if I fail the deed falls on you." Thanks Riordan, I'm not six I think I can understand basic concepts. I'm a damn mage after all. All I have ever done is read and master concepts. People outside of the Tower seem to be sorely lacking in their educations. You should fix that Alistair. "The Blight must be stopped now or it will destroy all of Fereldan before the rest of the Grey Wardens are able to assemble. Remember that." Geez…you actually think, because I can tell you are serious, that we would forget something like that? Truly? Here I was hoping the Archdemon would just sit down to a nice game of cards over my decomposing corpse.

Well, there go my dreams.

Riordan dismisses us to our perspective rooms to rest. I look at Cullen as we march through the door. "When he dies, I'm taking his stuff." I stated matter-of-factly to my husband, who blinks at me as if I have grown a second head.

"I can hear you, you know." I hear the eldest Grey Warden growl angrily.

I flash a smile at Riordan. "Yes, I know." I wave cheerily as I turn the corner. "Have I told you how much I admire your sword? Oh well, sweet dreams."

What? It is a sexy sword, I must have it!


	29. Chapter 29

**Rated M. NSFW. I own nothing, please enjoy!**

**I have also seen requests for a Rumors with Cullen Pov? Hm…**

**It shall be done. However, I have to finish one of the other two stories first ok? **

OoOoOo

"Wait…did you say that you are willing to let one of us die…unless I sleep with you?" I can't fading believe you 'your majesty.' Are you a little confused? Alright, let me back peddle for you a bit.

So there I was, innocently walking to my room with my new husband when who should be there? Morrigan. I know, at first I was thinking that this was going to be some freaky love confession from the worlds dourest mage. However, it seems that she was willing to do some dark, spooky ritual; which I am fairly confident involved some kitten blood, but that is neither here nor there for the moment.

Where was I?

Right. So Morrigan was in my room offering all of these amazing promises of how no one will have to die if a Grey Warden will sleep with her. At first I admit I thought this was just a ploy to get some 'before I die' action, but she seemed scarily honest. Yeah, I think maybe, just maybe she should have let Ser Carroll give her bad touches instead. But hey, maybe she has some secret Grey Warden Fetish. We are damn sexy after all, or at least I am. Magical sex goddess here.

In any event the circumstances are a bit…well touchy. You see, I am married and so is Cullen so that left Riordan or Alistair. Guess who she wanted…that's right Alistair. Trust me for a moment I thought this was some odd Witch of the Wilds prank, but alas I was not so lucky. I was flabbergasted. The last time I checked, those two would rather have stabbed each other's eyes out with rusty spoons, but it would seem there is some sort of under lying sexual tension?

I can't see it, but I am not the one trying to get laid by promising a massive magic ritual. I thought there were taverns and alcohol for that very reason, but I suppose some witches need the extra help? The thought alone makes my skin crawl and I think I retched a bit in the back of my throat. Ewww! The mental images they burn me!

….Does she turn into a spider during…?

Bad mind! Bad! No more thoughts about that particular subject. Fade's Bells! For a moment I was curious if maybe I couldn't somehow tempt Zevran into accomplishing the task if the lights are low enough, but Morrigan insisted it _had_ to be a Grey Warden. Fine. Spoil all my fun. I sigh and went to talk to Alistair about the whole thing.

Unfortunately, even I am not so diabolical that I would just drug him and drag him into Morrigan's room without letting him know that he is going to…uh…give a 'special hug' to the witch. Oh stop looking at me like that…alright fine, it is my second plan. However, I can be diplomatic when the situation calls for it. Well, as diplomatic as a person locked away in a tower with a bunch of angry and sexually repressed men can potentially be. Huh, that sounds really dirty when I think about it; and now I have a disturbing image of Wynne and Knight-Commander Greagoire in my head. I think I need some elfroot.

I had to ponder what I was going to tell Alistair and somehow declaring 'Hey I need you for sex.' seemed somehow ambiguous. So instead I settled for marching into his room where he was standing and staring at the door for no apparent reason.

Ok then.

I smiled a little nervously at him while suppressing the urge to cast a paralysis glyph and shout for Morrigan to get it over with. I will call that my third plan. I'm not quite sure how the mechanics of that would work out, but honestly I don't care.; and I'm sure Cullen would kill me if I stayed to take notes. I'm sure you are laboring under the false impression that mages are kinky. I'm just going to state that you have never met a Templar then.

If you need me to explain that, then you need to wait until you are a few years older. Or I am drunk. Either is an acceptable option I suppose. Right, Alistair?

I snap my attention back to the man before me, the King of Ferelden that I am going to force into some act of sex. I think it is fair to say that I do nothing in half measures at this point. I thought about what to say when he interrupts my griffon-on-haste-spell train of thought.

"I see you can't sleep either." Uh…yeah, something like that. "I also saw Morrigan outside your room earlier." Oh did you? What a coincidence she was thinking about you too! "And the look she gave me? That was icy even for her." Yeah…_icy._ Somehow I don't think you are a master of interpreting 'come-hither' looks. I wince at the urge to laugh out loud at all of this and he notices. Damn me. "Is something up?" Well, honestly, I'm hoping you will be; that would make this so much easier.

"Well, Morrigan needed to talk to me." Talk to me…make me, make you touch her dirty pillows, semantics!

"Oh. I guess whatever Morrigan had to say it's _big._" You would be right! Well since you are a mind-reader now why don't you just scan my thoughts and get to the steamy bits. No? Andraste's ass man! "This is what I get for becoming kind!" You're welcome…asshole. "Everyone always brings you the bad news." Ok, well you got me there. I do see a silver lining to this though. At least you won't die a virgin! I shift from one foot to the next and stare over his shoulder. How do I phrase this delicately? "So what is it then?" He prompts and I still haven't formulated the words to tell him. "Rats running amok?" I wish. "Cheese supply running low?" Maybe, I mean most of the dairy workers are most likely decorating a dark spawn's den room. "I can take it." Actually, I need to you 'give it'. Wow, I really need to stop talking to Oghren and Zevran.

"We need to talk." I settle for the good ol' stand by.

"Could you make it sound more ominous?" He quips and I scowl at him. Yes, I can make it sound more Ominous your majesty King bastard. How does 'it is a matter of death or sex' sound? "Tell me already." He girts out and for a second I really want to just wave my hand and tell him to just forget I came here. Then I remember I don't want to die and I don't want Cullen to die so….I press forward. We mages are amazing joke tellers and stubborn to a fault. Time to work my magic, yes the pun was intended. See? I told you we are awesome joke tellers; I permit you to thank me later.

"I need you to sleep with Morrigan." I blurt it out like there is no tomorrow before I grimly remember there very well may not be. I scratch the back of my neck nervously as he laughs at me.

"Ha ha. Alright that is pretty funny." I know that I am indeed an amazing wit, but I am not joking. "Best way to cut the tension. So, what's really up?" I look at him like he is an idiot before I remember that he sort of _is._ I sigh and drop my hand back down to my side and settle for staring at him.

What? It works for Sten.

After a full two minutes of silence and him grinning at me in that 'creepy-but-I -think-you-are-cute' way I blink at him and try again. "I'm serious."

"Ah ha ha. Cute." Thank you? "This is payback right?" I'm not following. The blank look on my face must tell him that because he asks me almost desperately. "For all the jokes?" No. "But you're not joking." Oh by the Maker he finally gets it! "You're actually serious." Yes, that is what 'not joking' means. I will not kill the king. I will not kill the king…until tomorrow. "Wow." My sentiments exactly.

Sorry sweetie. "You can either be killed by the Arch-Demon or sleep with Morrigan." I am acutely aware that there really is not that much difference in the choices as both of them involve plunging a 'sword' into an orifice, but let's not go there right now.

"How does someone make that kind of choice?" He asks me and I almost tell him the truth. I flip a coin. It may not be the most logical way, but it sure does make it easy! "You're not actually asking me this are you?" Uh…yeah, yeah I am. Me no likely dying.

"Well there is a ritual that will allow us not to perish with the Arch demon…you know…who ever strikes the last blow." I mutter and I know it is loud enough because the room is extremely quiet. As in Sten standing in a corner would seem like someone making a racket, quiet.

"What kind of ritual is this anyway?" Uh… I really did not ask to be honest. All I heard was 'sex' and 'Alistair' I felt it best not to ask questions.

"The kind that results in a child?" I grinned at him weakly and my palms are sweating because I have never had to really ask someone something like this outright. Though now I understand why, it seems rather inappropriate doesn't it? JUST TAKE THE SEX YOU FOOL! Besides, you should be ecstatic, you said Grey Wardens where very nearly sterile! Well then this is good news, the Therrin line lives on!

Uh-Oh, I think I might have just melted the poor man's brain without being able to elemental magic. You know, outside of that random ability to cast tempest that only comes when I am drunk or very upset-ish. "What? WHAT! I must be hearing things." Not really, no; unless it was me telling you to go hump Morrigan to save all of our lives. You might have heard that. "Are you telling me to impregnate Morrigan in some kind of magical sex-rite?" Hey now, _all matters of sex _aside, this will make it so that no one has to die. When I do eventually die to be able to point and laugh at Meghan from the Maker's side. I know, I am a touch vindictive, it makes me more awesome. Also, if we want to be completely fair Morrigan did tell me that this would be an ancient ritual, but I am being magnanimous and not telling you that this is most likely forbidden magic because I am more or less aware that that would cause your poor Templar heart to implode. It would be fascinating to watch but I just killed half of Ferelden to put you on that throne so you are staying there.

When will this man ever stop whining?

"This…this 'child', why would Morrigan ever want such a thing?" Because it might have your eyes? "Does she want an heir to the throne?" Are you kidding? Morrigan? She would more likely kill everyone that looked at her or demanded that she change into court-appropriate attire. That thought is like seeing Morrigan in a Chantry robe; disturbing and highly amusing.

"Alistair, I don't think she wants that." I started with placation as my goal.

"Right until she marches up with an army to the front door." My head hurts listening to that logic. You think that an army is going to amass behind the sparkling personality of Morrigan? Have you ever met that woman? Wait…I'm not helping my case here.

I cut him off because he is turning slightly green and even though I am not sure if he needs to be awake for this I really don't want to risk it. "This ritual can save us from dying out there Alistair. You have a kingdom to run now and they Grey Wardens will need rebuilding. There are so precious few of us here now that I honestly think that you …participating in this ritual will be the greatest thing for Ferelden." Or in simpler terms…TAKE THE SEX YOU FOOL. Really, you are acting more like girl about this than I did.

Kings.

I don't think I like that gleam in his eyes. "So it is a ritual that can be performed only by a mage?" Well it involves magic…so yes.

"Mages are the only ones that wield magic." Seriously I feel like I am talking to a four year old. A four year old with a large sword that could hack me in half but the principle remains the same.

"Could you perform the ritual?" ….wait, what?

"You want me in the room with you when you do this?" I am horrified, no I am terrified at the thought of seeing Morrigan and Alistair in the act. I saw a brood mother for crying out loud and that disgusts me less than the idea of seeing those two have intercourse. I whimper inside my head. Where are demons when I need them?

"No." Oh thank the Maker. "I want you to take Morrigan's place in the ritual." Come again?

…Did I just get propositioned by the King of Ferelden? Holy Maker, I think I did. The room is spinning rapidly now and I blink a few times.

"I'm married." I know, the well thought out and articulate argument that was planned in my head took a brief rest while I gap like a fish at my fellow Grey Warden. However, those two words really should explain everything.

Right?

"I know that." I see him look hurt and frustrated while I stare at him as if he has asked me to eat a mabari whole. "But I don't want my first time to be with _Morrigan_." He hisses out her name like a curse and while I do understand where he is coming from, I don't want to sleep with her either; I can't just have sex with Alistair! I took vows and stuff.

Vows!

"Uh…" Oh don't worry, at some point higher mental function will return…I think.

"Solona, it is just as you said. We are important to the survival of every Ferelden. IF you don't want us to perish then this should be easy for you." I blink twice before I feel angry, no furious at him.

"You are asking me to betray my husband." I pointed out nonplussed at where this was going while Alistair grins cheekily at me.

"You asked me to impregnate Morrigan." Yeah, that has nothing to do with me. Do you realize that?

"So impregnating me is the next logical choice for you?" I ask incredulous. Some people's children! My cheeks feel like they are on fire and for a moment I wonder if that paralysis idea isn't suddenly more valid.

"It is the same thing." He insists and I glare at him.

No, Alistair, it's not.

"You are asking me to not only be an adulteress, but also raise your child as a constant reminder to Cullen that I was unfaithful; is that the gist of it?" I arch a brow and for a moment I would have thought he was joking except for the deadly serious expression on his face. Knicker weasels! Why me?

"Yes." No.

"I can't." Really, I honestly can't. That is just a terrible idea and I suddenly want out of this conversation like Sten want's cookies. Which is very, very, very badly.

"If you can't, then I won't." Shit, the stubborn tilt of the jaw. Fuck me! No, wait, don't do that. Just….ugh! I hate my life. I really am the opposite of Andraste. I am pretty sure that her fellow soldiers didn't demand that she have sex with them; or if they did that part is exceedingly well kept out of her records.

"Wait…did you say that you are willing to let one of us die…unless I sleep with you?" …what the fade is wrong with this man? Honestly! Where does he get off asking this of me?

Not that my asking him was any less traumatic, but the point stands! Bastardized king of unholy cheeses!

"Yes." You have got to be kidding me.

This all has to be some grand misunderstanding.

Right?

Holy Maker….where is Cullen when I need him?


	30. Chapter 30

**Thanks so much for all your reviews! Here we go again!**

**Rated M NSFW, I own nothing, and if I made you hate Alistair… sorry. O.O**

OoOoOo

I suppose I really shouldn't be surprised that Cullen doesn't come rushing in to save me. Maker knows I had to save everyone else. Why not save myself from some sex-crazed Virgin King? I mean really, it's not like that could be a problem or anything.

Ass-hat that he is…

And, irrespective of what everyone in all of Thedas thinks I should do, sleeping with Alistair just isn't and options. Vows and all that gibberish means something, even if I never actually recited anything; well, that I remember anyway. If he is wondering why I am looking at him like he just told me he likes Ogre jelly, it is because what he has suggested has to be the most repulsive thing I have ever heard. You know, outside of Ogre jelly.

Really, what would that taste Like? Would it even be edible? What kind of boiling process would be involved? Huh… strange.

Wait, where was I? Oh, right, staring at Alistair, my fellow Grey Warden, like he has two heads, and neither one of them being the 'fun' kind. Ironically, I slew just about everything in our path to make him carry on his father's legacy. No… not the chasing and impregnating women legacy, the shut up and run the damn country in a satisfactory manner, legacy. I can feel a headache building at my temples.

It strikes me that maybe, just maybe, letting the Arch demon win, wouldn't b so bad. I mean sure, the structure of the country would e in ruins. Everyone I know and love would be dead, and I would have to listen to Orlesian Grey Wardens gloat about how 'they' stopped the blight.

However, sex with Alistair would not be involved. That is a huge positive as far as I am concerned. Besides, what other Grey Warden would be willing to take that kind of sacrifice? It's not like I could just lay back and think about Fereldan. Well, I mean I _could_. But, then I would have to more to Tevinter or some other place that didn't make me think about resigned sex with my supposed King.

"We don't have all night," King-bastard says demandingly.

I can take as long as I damn well please, and you have better be grateful that I haven't glyphed your ass back to the first Blight. Don't think Fereldan would fight terribly hard to keep your bloodline on the throne if I pushed the issue Ser!

I'm going to kill him. That's all there is too it. I am going to take my staff and ram it so far down his throat that he will be forced to pass splinters. There are really only two options. I ponder them over as I sculpt my features to be blank. The first option, named no way in the fade am I doing it, is to sleep with him. The second, named suck it you horny bastard, is to dupe said Grey Warden into thinking that I am going to sleep with him.

Now, let's get something straight here. I am not evil, I'm not cruel, but no one… _no one_ tries to play in my storage room without my express, unforced permission. In other words, I'm going to show him why you don't anger the creation mage.

Really, we are amazingly scary. I thought that would be obvious by now. Sure, I have a natural talent for jokes, and a scintillating to seduce Templars… curse my natural sexiness! However, I am not, by any means, a woman of ill-repute who would just fall into bed with someone because they threatened me with death.

Um… well, I might. But, they would have to be very convincing that I would actually die. Even though Alistair has a fair point about the Arch Demon, I am not having children. I am fairly certain I might have mentioned this important tidbit once or twice during our travels together.

I nod my head sharply.

"Fine," I said in a clipped tone. I want him to know just how upset I am. Also, well it would give away the ruse to be cheerful about the whole thing.

I mean my Husband and I are in the _next_ room. And, he thinks I am just going to … er… uh… 'defile' him with Cullen sleeping forty feet away? Bah! As if that would happen… well, not without a lot of Oghren's homemade brew first.

Not, that I would do that, but I know what it would take.

Speaking of Cullen, where is that despoiled swordsman anyway? Oh there had better not be a whore-biscuit anywhere near him. I don't have to protect her ass. I could just let her die… I still might for her grievous transgressions into my sex life.

"Solona?" Alistair is staring at me both anxious and worried.

Oh, you had better be worried. Jackass!

"I need to go… prepare. I will be back," I snarl as I stomp over to the lamp and extinguish it, "And this stays out."

I hear the sound of metal chinking and glare into the darkness. Did that idiot just nod? When I can't see a thing because it is too dark? Maker… he did.

"Do you understand?" I snap out viciously.

"Y-Yes. I understand… perfectly," he responds nervously.

I sent an arcane bolt in his direction. It only missed him by a fraction of an inch. If he asks later, I missed him on purpose. It's not the truth. I wanted to hit his royal face; I simply forgot where he was. Also, offensive spells have never been my best ability, admittedly. I stru out of his room with my head held high.

I storm into my room where, you guessed it; Morrigan is still waiting for me.

"I trust all went well?" No. No it did not go 'well' at all. Do you ever listen to yourself talk? No? What a shock! Well, I have to listen to you, so start sounding intelligent for twenty seconds.

"No," I said shakily, "it seems he has an aversion to sleeping with you."

"Then you must convince him," Morrigan stated archly.

I really want to slap her. Just once… perhaps twice, if she doesn't cease to ask stupid questions. Would it be that bad? I mean, I am going to save the world… more or less.

"I have a simpler solution," I started attempting not to be condescending. Don't worry, I failed miserably. "You can shape-shift right?"

"Aye, but I do not-"

Be silent. The adult is speaking here.

"Now, I don't know if you can, I have never bothered to ask before-" Really, I hadn't. Have you ever talked to Morrigan? In the beginning of our journey, it was like getting teeth pulled, only more painful and more insults to my competency. "But could you change your face to look like mine?"

Her laughter was not helpful in the slightest.

"Oh, this is rich indeed." Fuck you too. "He wishes to bed _you?_"

What in the name of the fade was that supposed to mean?

Of course he wants to bed me. Do you have any idea how many offers I have received out of the tower? Huh? Well, lots. I will have you know that people out here think I am quite the prize. You stupid stuck-up, Wilds, … witch!

No one likes you. I hope you know that. I don't like you. I was faking it!

"Yes, he wants to sleep with me." I glower at her fiercely. Don't push this. I could make you look tame, spider-hag.

"How droll," she cackled in the stillness of the room.

What is it with people using words I don't understand? I am fairly certain that is not a word anyway. I don't care what you say. Even if it were a word, which I still maintain it is not, it's a silly word anyway.

"Look, do you want to do this ritual or not?" I hissed at her. She snapped to attention. I am slightly mollified.

"Forgive me; I do not have much practice in matters such as these." Damn it! Don't apologize! That makes me hate you less. Son of an Alistair! What? You'll get that joke in a minute.

Or you won't… anyway…

"It's fine. Just go over there." And, for the love of the Maker, please never tell me what happens. "The light is out." A courtesy to you both, I assure you. "Complete the ritual, and take care not to make a sound."

I move to my pack and look for my soap. Morrigan gives me a curious glance as I proceed to rub some of the dry soap on her shoulders and stomach. Her eyes glint when she understands I am trying to make her smell like me. It is to make Alistair less suspicious, and because I have no idea where Morrigan has been, and it wouldn't do to let Alistair die from some exotic ailment before the Arch Demon.

"Are you- You are Certain?" She asks me barely above a whisper.

"Ten minutes ago, I would not have been." I smiled at her with scorn evident. "Now, I say… go have fun."

She sways her hips as she exits. I think she will do just that.

OoOoOo

I waited for a few minutes by the door, Just to see if Alistair came barreling out of his room like a cat that was just dunked in water. Luckily, it seems that he hasn't realized that the woman now taking his virginity is not in fact, me.

Serves the bastard right. I nod in satisfaction. Then I hear booted feet, and my heart starts to pound in worry. I opened the door to see a very tired Cullen stumbling down the hallway. I opened the door and snatched him inside quickly.

"Wha-?"

MY mouth claims his quickly. I don't want him to go aid Alistair if this whole thing goes wrong. I also don't need him killing the King of Ferelden on the eve before a gigantic battle.

I curl around him. I am greedy and wanting. The feelings he sparks in me, make my blood burn so strong that I can't think of anything but him. Or… his, um… sword. I lay back on the bed, coaxing him down with me.

"Solona?" Cullen asks looking confused for a moment.

"Yes, love?" I purr at him wantonly.

"Aren't these the pillows from Arl Eamon's estate at Redcliffe?"

Uh… no?

"No?" I blink at him innocently. Hm, to be honest I didn't think he would notice. We had been doing something far more… entertaining than talking about pillows. Don't judge me! It was just a few pillows. And, it wasn't even really stealing. He said I was the champion of Redcliffe and welcome at any time.

So I 'welcomed' myself to some pillows.

Cullen stares at me a moment longer. "Are you sure?"

Yeah, I'm sure they are my pillows now. "Very," I reply as I start to nibble on his earlobe. Shh… just be quiet and do what I want. That's right, listen to the nearly naked mage. I have discovered that being married isn't so bad if there are certain activities involved.

Cullen seems to have forgotten all about the pillows, which is good. Because I am still keeping them. Trust me, they are that awesome. His armor is starting to disappear between his hands and mine. His skin is deliciously warm and his mouth is near my ear. He whispers some of the things he thought about while we were still skirting around one another.

I am a magical sex goddess. That is too say he thought always was attractive.

Or I was, until we were rudely interrupted.

"Solona! Yes!" the loud roar of unfortunately familiar timber echoes down the hall and through the walls of our shared sleeping space. Huh, that was quick. At least, I thought it was quick. What did you think Cullen?

Well… shit. I froze in place, scarcely daring to breathe.

I felt Cullen stiffen above me, his amber eyes staring at me with such fury that I squirm uncomfortably. My hands retract from around his shoulders, and I take a moment to fidget with my fingers.

"Solona…" the warning is clear, and by the way, very intimidating. I blinked up at him owlishly. A smile of trepidation stretches across my features.

"I can explain… I swear."

….Yeah, not really…

…So, is sex still an option?


	31. Chapter 31

**Thank you reviewers! This Fic is almost over! I am so sad to see it go. There is one last chapter after this one, so thank you to all that have reviewed and read!**

**Rated M, NSFW, and I own nothing.**

**FOR THE GREY WARDENS!**

OoOoOo

We aren't talking. In fact, _no one_ is talking and it's a little eerie considering that we are about to fight a freaking Arch demon that apparently has my damn name on it. Why my name? Because the maker hates me and I am pretty sure I must have stepped on his foot in a past life. I watch the men gathering from their lands, all the forces _I _gathered mind you. That's right. Me. You know the one that has to fix every damn problem in this whole land.

And Eamon is starting to sound as bad a Leliana when he blathers on and on about we need to pray that it is enough. You know what? You go gather your own fucking army.

You cannot avoid me for forever Cullen, trust me, I've tried avoiding you and somehow we ended up married.

So really, taking all of that into account you should stop trying otherwise we are going to end up bound together in the afterlife, and even I have qualms about that.

"Before us stands the might of the Dark spawn horde," why did I make you King again? Great, now I am going to have to round up deserters because you are going to scare them off. Royal Bastard! "Gaze upon them now," yeah.. yeah, I'm looking, I'm looking. "But fear them naught!" Uh-huh.. I'll get right on that. Let's recap a bit shall we? I'm a freaking _creation_ mage. For those of you that have not been paying attention, I heal others and I can glyph with the best of them. I do not, however, make things go 'boom' when I want them to. When I am drunk, yes, when I want them to, no. Okay, have we got that cleared up? Fantastic! So yes, I am going to be just a teeny bit afraid of the black-blooded monsters that want to rip my face off!

Carry on…

"The woman you see beside me is mage." I gave him an annoyed glance, covertly of course because it wouldn't do to be fighting in front of my army. Don't worry that will only go to my head a little. And, oh by the way, did you have to start out with the mage part? I think they got I'm a mage. In fact, I'm not sure I would have known that I was one without you pointing it out Alistair! Yep, look I can twirl my fingers and colors come out. Ohhh shiny, I always wondered about that! Maybe that is why I lived in the Circle my whole life? And if you didn't realize I am a mage thanks to the giant staff on my back, you will be the first into the fray.

Ah, the joys of being in command.

Seriously though, I am the junior warden and it should be your Kingly butt out there trying to save the day. It didn't happen that way, oh no, but that is how it should have been. Because, honestly, hiding behind the tiny mage when you have the shield and sword is not very manly. And, frankly, I'm half hoping you die in this battle.

No hard feelings, I am just saying.

Actually, wait… after the whole 'sleep with me or die' thing, there are hard feelings. Lots of them.

"Raised through the ranks of the Grey Wardens," … all two of them, yes. "She is proof that glory is within reach of us all!"

Not all of you. He really is just saying that to make you feel better about dying. Because, really, most of you are going to die.

Good luck though!

"She has survived, despite the odds," I know, I am a magical sex goddess. Trust me, it's been mentioned before. "And without her, none of us would be here."

Finally! Some recognition. What that so damn hard?

Was it? No, I didn't think so.

"Today, we save Denerim!" Whoa buddy, lets back track a bit here. Why don't we set reasonable goals.. like 'today only most of you will perish and Denerim will most likely needs thousands of sovereigns worth of repairs.' It's catchy right?

"Today we avenge the death of my brother, King Calain!" You weren't listening, were you Alistair? "But most of all," oh shit, there is a 'most of all' ,"We show the Grey Wardens that we remember and honor their sacrifice!"

UH… that's right all of you yellow bastards thought we were evil and responsible for the death of the former king.

…

Why am I saving you again?

I look to Cullen because the thought has just occurred to me that we could simply let them die. Not, that I… the Grey Warden would allow that…no, I…

Seriously, why I am saving them again?

"For Ferelden! For the Grey Wardennnnnnnnnnnsssss!"

Oh yeah, I'm too freaking stupid to leave when I had the chance. Yes, it's all coming back to me now. I could have told Jowan to shove it; wait then I would have been in the tower when it fell. Huh. Well, I could have left right after the battle of Ostagar, but then… I would have most likely been overrun by dark spawn. So really, my options were death... death… or delayed death if we take my current situation.

Why do you hate me so, Maker?

I really should have been a witch of the wilds.

Whoo hoo here we go, charging into the fray! Yes, because that makes so much sense. I lock eyes with Zevran and he nods in my direction as we bolt forward. Alright, I have an assassin at my back, and my husband is currently out ahead of me, and the dog is next to my side.

Great. I am literally running to my death.

Fade me.

OoOoOo

Really! Really? They had one fucking job! Just one! Keep the dark spawn out of the city. But everywhere I look the city is crawling with the filthy little blighters. And why in the name of all that is holy am I carrying around four damn trumpets to call people to my aid? It's not like I can just magically cast a spell that sounds like a horn, oh no that would make too much freaking sense. No! I am forced to deal with obnoxious jangling with every step I take. You have got to be kidding me!

As you might be able to tell, I am just a wee bit upset over this damn incident. Not to mention that I am forced to dodge and duck under a massive onslaught of hurlocks. Which, after knowing where they come from just seems more disgusting if that were even possible.

I roll my eyes as out of nowhere I can hear the shouts of my companions as they seem to be pleased with the turn of events.

I don't ask questions about it, I just assume they are fading insane.

Hey! Don't hide behind me Oghren. What happened to Dwarven honor and fighting, and all that utter nonsense? It's like I am chasing after all of my companions to keep them alive. Because, oh yes, let's not forget that they have abandoned the _creation_ mage! I mean, sure I can use a sword now and that is pretty awesome, but I am by no means a master swordsman. The rest of the melee fighters have had a few years on me and really all I know is to swing away from my body.

And, if I am exceedingly lucky, I hit something... or… um… someone… thing.

Really not to comfortable yet with the whole sword thing. I dance around a few of the more enthusiastic of my followers and I am so grateful the dark spawn cannot speak, because I am not sure I want to know what they are saying.

"Let's get started!" Why am I saying that? I blink in confusion and decide that it must have been nerves.

I'm running right past a few of my companions and healing them as I go. They are slaughtering through the dark spawn at an impressive rate. No really, they are. I would stop to watch, but I am busy trying to evade the freaking genlock on my tail . Can someone please come save the mage?

Anyone? Oh shit! I feel an arrow as it flies through my hair as I sprint across the battlefield. I catch sight of Sten and bolt toward him. I need a meat shield! Protect me damn you, I am the Grey Warden… well, one of them. Never mind all that, come save my cloth covered ass!

I vault over some discarded swords and armor that are just lying in an unusual pattern on the ground. How bizarre. It's like someone placed them right there and I have no urge to pick them up. Even more odd. Oh well.

The battle dies down as I take my place next to Sten who pulls the more intense of the Dark spawn off of me. Thanks buddy, I am so glad I found your sword for you, because I tell you… I don't want to die.

I thought that plainly obvious, but for those of you that still haven't caught on, there it is.

Oh look, Riordan is just standing over there to our left. He looks rather calm for being in the midst of a full blown battle for the very livelihood of all of Thedas. I wonder if he someone managed to go through Morrigan's herb pouch.

Not that… I ever went through her herb pouch or anything…

There are more dark spawn to fight, let's get to that.

I approach him with a swagger in my step. In all actuality I think I might have sprained my ankle stepping over dead things, but he doesn't need to know that.

"You've managed to fight your way to the gates." You mean the whole 100 feet from where we started? I glanced over to where Alistair gave his 'impressive' speech and it's really not that far. I mean I could walk over there right now to show you. Really , I can, just give me four minutes. "We're doing better than I hoped."

… This is better? Holy Maker, I thought _I_ had low standards.

"That will change quickly." Thank you Sten, I can always count on you for the extra boost of confidence just when I need it.

Pessimistic bastard. No one is allowed to be sarcastic except for me. Do you hear me? Well, I'm not actually saying it out loud, but you have better comply all the same!

"Bloody nug-runners are everywhere." Yes Oghren, I think we all noticed that. Truly, I would be lost without your keen eyes. "They outnumber us three to one!"

Wait, wait, wait, wait… just hold on one moment… Oghren can count?

I look around wildly, as the knowledge sinks in. When did that happen? Why did no one tell me?

"What are we to do now Riordan?" Wynne, we have dozens of dark spawn to slaughter, it's strange I only ever see an amount we can kill but they are supposedly over running the city; Huh. Anyway, we can either kill them or die. It's pretty much a 'take it' or 'leave it' scenario. "You have a plan I assume?"

Oh, this ought to be good.  
"The army will not last long." No part of that screams 'plan' to me. "So we need to move quickly to reach the Arch Demon." That's it? Fade! I could have come up with that. Even my Dog knew that. I'm sincerely beginning to doubt your leadership skills. Mine aren't much better, but come on. "I suggest taking Alistair-" Ha ha ha ha! You're a funny _funny_ man Riordan. Does the phrase 'Death First' mean anything to you? "-and no more than two others-" So a normal group then? I shrug because even though I am faced with a nearly impossible task of _killing_ an ancient corrupted God, apparently I can only take three freaking people with me to go slay it. Is that what I am getting here? Why don't I take my whole freaking circus of a team with me? Huh? Answer me damn you! "-into the city. Anyone you don't bring with you can remain here to prevent more dark spawn from entering Denerim on our tails."

I pinch the bridge of my nose to fight the overwhelming headache that is beating at my temples with his words. I'm Sorry, didn't I raise an _Army?_ Army; meaning a force of trained military people ready to fight the Blight with me? And yet, you want me to leave the most skilled people behind with you, when they could be in the city with me saving my skin?

I hate you all. I just wanted you to know that. Put it on my grave. 'Here lies Solona-' what the hell is my last name? 'Solona Amell, and she hated you all. She didn't want to die for you and quite frankly she hopes you all rot.'

It would be poetic really.

I narrowed my eyes as I realized the one, I'm being very generous with the number, crucial flaw in Riordan's 'plan'.

"How are we going to fight a _flying_ dragon?" So what if I sounded caustic? I think I am justified. Did everyone else miss the giant wings and the large pointy teeth that help the demon go 'nam nam'?

"We're going to need to reach a high point in the city." You have got to be kidding. That is what we are going to do? Try and catch the damn thing like you would a bird? "I'm thinking the top of Fort Drakon might work."

Am I the only one that sees the irony in fighting a Dragon on top of a Fort that sounds like the word 'dragon'? This is just getting sad. I sigh and shake my head. It's okay, I'm not going to die a virgin at least.

Love you Cullen.

"The top of-? You want to draw the dragon's attention?" By the Maker! How did you survive childhood Alistair? Honestly, I still want to smash your face in with my staff. _Yes_ we want to draw the dragon's attention so we can kill it. You were aware that was the next stage of the plan right?

Un-fading-believable.

"We have little choice." I nearly gasp. That is the first thing anyone has said all day that sounds remotely intelligent! "I warn you-" I don't think I can handle another 'warning' from you Riordan. "-as soon as we engage the beast, it will call all its generals to help it."

So… the Arch demon has generals, and I have a rag-tag bunch of adventurers and an army I had to bribe every people to get?

Yeah… because that's fair.

"I can sense two generals in Denerim." Let me get this straight, you knew about the Generals and you are just telling us now. We really have got to work on the Grey Warden policy for sharing information. "You may wish to seek them out before going to Fort Drakon." No! I was just going to run in with spells blazing and wish myself the best of luck. Asshole.

"I am ruse that if we did slay those Generals, it would stop the dark spawn in the city from doing a lot of harm." Riordan, it is a sad day when Leliana makes more sense than you. However, I seem to remember banning you from talking Leliana. Talking is a privilege and not a right.

"It may also waste resources trying to find them." Waste resources? Riordan, I am your only fucking resource and I will do what I damn well please.

Give them an inch and they think they are a ruler.

That's right lower your eyes in respect you dodgy old Orlesian Warden. "The decision is up to you." You're damn right it is.

Then again, every freaking decision has been up to me, so this really should not be a surprise.

I glared at him in mute protest as I thought over my options.

…

…

Give me a moment.

"Who do you wish to take with you into the city?" You're already bugging me about this? It's been all of two seconds!

I look at my companions, each one covered in dirt and filth. Eww, did I look like that? Gross. I glance down and see I am covered in dark spawn blood that still smells like waste and vomit mixed together then baked out in the sun for a week. Okay, so maybe being a Grey Warden isn't so glamorous.

I can't leave Zevran with Cullen, I hate to say it, but I know Zevran would kill him. It would be flattering if the prospect of losing my husband didn't bother me so much. What? I can get attached too. Cullen is out because he might die while I am fighting the Arch Demon. I am not taking Alistair, because well… I'm just not. So... I can take the pregnant witch that I am sure would turn my skin into pants given the opportunity, Zevran, Sten to be the giant meat shield, and me. Hm… maybe I should take the dog?

Choices…

Okay so I am the healer, obviously, and Morrigan can be my long range fighter, Sten can take a fierce beating, and Zevran can… not kill Cullen! Excellent.

"Morrigan, Zevran, and Sten. You're with me." They nod in unison, which is kind of awesome when you see it.

And, as I thought Cullen looks fit to be tied.

"Fair enough." Thanks for ruining the mood Riordan. Have I called you an ass yet? Oh I have? Well, at least I'm not losing my touch. "Anyone else will need to remain here and assist in keeping more dark spwan from coming inside the gates behind us. Who will lead them?"

Oh… good question. I'm torn between Cullen and Oghren. Really torn. Hm, well if I give Cullen a duty, he can at least be distracted long enough for me to escape.

"Cullen will lead them." I wink at my husband, and you had better not die on me or I will hunt you down in the fade and gut you like a fish… sweetheart.

And I look on with only slightly watery eyes, only because of the horrid stench on my clothing honestly, as they all come and bid me farewell.

Maker… does _everyone_ think I am going to die?

Don't answer that!


	32. Chapter 32

**Thank you all for those that have reviewed. Thank you to all that have read. Thank you to all that have waited for this. The very last chapter. Ladies and Gentlemen, Rumors is not officially done! **

**I own nothing, rated M.**

**Please enjoy!**

**OoOoOo**

"Nothing you have done so far has prepared you for what you will face now." Excuse me? What do you think I have been doing? Making pretty patterned robes for the freaking Templars? No offense Cullen. Maker's toe fungus Riordan! Any other bits of optimism I should gleam from you? "May the Maker watch over you," he says.

I give him a blank look, because as we can all tell the Maker had been keeping such an attentive gaze on me. Need I remind you I am covered in darkspawn blood and about to charge head long into battle with a fading _Demon?_ Not a cute fluffy kitten, a fading Arch Demon. You know the Arch Demon right? With the claws and the teeth that go crunch with my bones?

I listen to my companions bid me goodbye, because it seems everyone thinks I am going to die. And, let's be honest here, I have thought it a time or ten myself.

Because well… Arch Demon… versus itty bitty mage.

It's not exactly the best odds I have ever had.

I do my dead level best not to cry, and I succeed. Though I am slightly bothered that Morrigan telling me to live 'gloriously' nearly undoes me. Stupid, wonderful, and mean Witch of the Wilds.

But please, Liliana, shut up. I am rushing to die here and I would like very much not to die of old age waiting for you to finish whatever speech you are giving here.

I nod as the last of my friends, because that is what almost all of them have become, bid me farewell and those I have chosen to take follow me into the depths of Denerim.

"Kill those Godless Bastards," a solider shouts as I pass by. Uh… they do have a God. I'm not trying to be difficult, but the Arch Demon was at one point a _God._ I am just saying.

"Maker watch over you!" Whoa now, let's not go there again. I think I'm alright to just do this one on my own. Thank you though.

I step past the gate and all I can think is that this is the end.

I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die.

"My dear Warden," Zevran interrupts with amusement, "that is not the best incantation for morale."

Oops. I was saying that out loud, wasn't I? I chuckled nervously as Morrigan frowns at me. Oh, like you're thinking any different? I bet 'She's going to die' has crossed your mind at least once.

Actually, it had better have only been once. I got you laid by a King. A King, I say!

OoOoOo

I am running through the city and all I hear are the screams of people dying. This is odd, because I do not see any people. I mean no one. I see Hurlocks, Genlocks, and … a crap ton of Ogres.

Where the Fade did they all come from?

Wait… that's right. Broodmothers. I shudder at the memory. So disgusting.

I fumble for the horns to call reinforcements, because damn it all I saved their asses and they are going to come die for me right now. It sounds worse than it actually is. I'm just asking them to lay down their lives so that I can fight a huge freaking Dragon that is flying around in the sky for no apparent reason.

This looks like a job for Dwarves. They rush around me, and we battle our way through the marketplace. Sten does a fantastic job of protecting my hide, and if I didn't know better I would think he was enjoying this.

I take that back, the look of glee on his face tells me he is enjoying this. And, I thought I had problems.

It takes us almost all the way through the market place to find the first General. Distasteful little thing that he is… I mean none of them are _attractive_ by any stretch of the imagination.

Andraste's ass! I take an arrow in the shoulder and careen backwards with the force of the attack. I stop when I hit something solid. I look up to the snarling face of an Ogre.

Uh… hello there?

Zevran is scaling up his back before I have time to recover, and slashing the thing in the throat. I have to say, assassins are sexy. He gives me a wink and I can't help but laugh. Even covered in this foul smelling stuff and possibly knocking on Death's door, the elf still finds time to flirt. You really do have to commend him for tenacity.

The General falls with a guttural death cry and as quick as taking four steps, the Second one is there taking his place. I shake my head and wonder if I was given a concussion at some point because Maker be damned if it doesn't still sound like people are screaming! I turn around in a circle just to check again. Nope. No people.

Weird.

It is a simple trick to kill the second General before we are racing off through the Alienage. We are trampling over filth and debris when a voice calls out to me.

"You!" Uh-oh, conversations that start like this never go well for me. "It's you!" yes, we have already established it's me. Where are you going with this? "The Maker sure gave you the gift of good timing, didn't he?"

Huh. I have never been accused of that before…

"There's a large group of Darkspawn approaching," that's not really news… "and the gates won't hold!" Of course they won't. Because the gates holding would be a good happenstance and such things do not happen to someone whom the Maker purposefully seems to seek out to use as his own personal whipping girl. "We need your help!"

Oh, get in line.

What do you think I am doing right now? I just slaughter like 300 dark spawn by myself! Then I ran all the way over here, and I still have to fight a freaking Demon on top of Fort Drakkon. And, I'm AFRAID OF HEIGHTS! Excuse me for taking a second to breathe here, Princess.

You know what? Fine.

"I need you to fight with me," I state.

"Fight?" Yes, fight. That thing you do when facing a hoard that wants to kill you. "B-but," why is there always a but? "We've no armor," I got shoved out into the fading Wilds with a robe and a 'good luck', "and only simple weapons!"

Yeah… and I have to slay an Arch demon. My heart bleeds for you. Really. Especially when I see the very nice bow on your back and the quiver full of arrows.

"We'll be slaughtered!" She cries at me.

Shianni that was her name! Did I like her? I tilt my head and think for a moment. Well, you could be slaughtered but that is a risk I am willing to take.

"You can fight like elves or die helpless. Your choice." I state impassively. I have to be honest, I am just about out of sympathy by this point. Not to harp a point here, but I just killed 300 some odd dark spawn by myself… I'm pretty sure your group can manage for fifteen minutes.

The male elf next to her seems to have gotten into a fervor. "I say we fight!"

See? Was that so bloody hard?!

Shianni gives him a sad look. "Yes, if we can hold them back, it will give others a chance to escape." Oh stop acting like a martyr. You're being helped by a Grey Warden. All we do is kill dark spawn. And, creating lasting chaos by shaping the world as we see fit… but I digress. "Tell us what to do and we will fight as long as we can." You bet.

I give them those fifteen minutes.

Hm… a wave a dark spawn is approaching. Let us do this logically.

"Defend the gate," I snap out in a commanding voice that impresses even myself. "Keep them from getting through."

"You heard what the lady said! Come on!" Finally, someone understands how things go around here.

But once again, why is the Second newest Grey Warden recruit and creation mage leading everyone into battle?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Anyone at all?

Blighters.

The two elves turn around and the male elf exclaims "They're upon us!"

Wait. They are upon us and not one of the thirteen or so people standing by the damn gate thought to say 'hey look out!' I look at Sten and Zevran who shrug at me. I glower. This is freaking ridiculous. How did anyone survive before I came along?

I charge down toward the gate with agitation and dread coursing through me. This is going to suck. I fumble for the next horn to summon my 'army' of elves.

What? I'm already being assisted by city elves, and the Dalish will be able to offer some suppressive fire against the…

Wow… that is a long line of dark spawn.

I drop into the lull of battle once again. Heal. Heal. Glyph. Arcane Missile. This battle seems to be never ending and causes me to pop a few potions as wave after wave funnel toward the gates. It occurs to me as we fight that my group is really vocal. Between the self-praise and taunting they just cannot seem to keep quite.

Awesome. I can see the General as he charges toward me. I whip out my sword as he grows closer, With a bit of dramatic flair I cut the beast in twain. I then gag when some of his entrails stick to my sword. I start to try and wipe some of it off on the near-by grass. However, it defies me and still clings.

Maker. Do I even want to know what they eat in order to accomplish that? No. No, I do not.

I signal the others to follow me as we race down the same bridge the dark spawn had crossed in order to get into Fort Drakkon. I am almost through the gate when, as if by some unknown force, I am propelled back into running across the bridge when the Arch Demon takes an almost too perfect opportunity to destroy the bridge behind us.

How unusual.

I didn't even apparently sense the thing coming because there were just 'too many' dark spawn all around us and the Arch Demon doesn't seem to really want to kill me because it just takes off right back into the sky. It didn't even stop to attack me or try to aim, it would seem.

Seems perfectly normal to me as any of the rest of this has.

Oh well.

I stare dramatically at the burning remnants of part of the bridge behind me. I could do with some dramatic music right about now.

I shrug and trot into the Fort.

OoOoOo

… So… Sandal is a dark spawn slaying _God._ I have to admit, I did not see that one coming. I mean the poor dear has the intelligence of toast. I know my face shows my shock as I stare at what can only be described as the piles of dead dark spawn all around the room.

My companions are struck as speechless by this as I am. I scratch my head for a moment, then open and close my mouth several times. I blink at Sandal in a little bit of awe.

I'm still a magical goddess mind you, but this is impressive.

He looks up at me with those big eyes and says "Enchantment?"

I have to be honest; enchantments were the last thing on my mind. The first was how is the fade did you do this?

Alright, forget it. I'm just going to ask.

"You're surrounded by dark spawn corpses! What happened here?" I give him a confused look, which I just cannot help.

Seriously. What the fade?

"Boom." He says with a little glee.

Um… alright. What does 'boom' have to do with any of th-?

Oh…

Well, I'll be damned.

"So…," I start awkwardly because really, what do you say at a moment like this? "Do you have any of your father's wares for sale?"

What? I never claimed to be the nurturing type.

I lighten my load and got up the stairs behind him. There is one more floor of these creatures to clear and then I am standing in front of the door that separates me from the top of the fort. Mentally I am preparing myself. How bad could it really be?

Oh. Sweet. Lyrium.

The thing is huge.

Okay, this was fun guys. If you need me I'll be somewhere in Tevinter. I have heard its nice there. Send me a card sometime. Okay? Okay.

Did… did it just stomp out the men fighting it? Is that a corpse that is roasting while still standing?

I have an idea. I say we just let him have Denerim. No one really liked the place all that much anyway and-

And, you bastards are going to make me fight it.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate you? Well, right now, I do.

Purple fire? The thing spits pretty colored flames at us? I don't know whether that is intriguing or insulting… and holy fuck its coming this way!

I start running like the frightened little mage I am.

Is that a Ballista? Fade's bells! It is a Ballista. I order my companions to cover me, and to help me reload. I call forth the human army to distract the Arch Demon. Sorry about that. But, hey, this is war and what not.

I clear my throat and fire the first shot, the recoil threatening to send me flying off the edge of the Fort. I grit my teeth and order Zevran to reload the blasted thing and we go again. Over and over I fire at the beast as the army keeps it busy. The men are dying, and shouts fill the air. All I can really hear besides the roar of the beast, is the pounding of my own heart.

I may be just a little frightened.

It seems to take forever, the Tainted god roaring in outrage and pain. I, the Warden and hope of all here, firing at it over and over again. Until finally, with a breath that catches in my lungs, it falls to the stone. I am moving before I realize it. I stand, staring at the vile thing in horror and determination.

It is literally now or never. It is a lot of pressure, let me tell you, to know the whole world needs you to kill this thing when all you want to do is run away an hide. I puff a few ragged breaths and see a sword lying embedded in the back of a dark spawn.

Narrowing my eyes, I run for it. Half out of my mind, still unsure if that Morrigan sex-time stuff is actually going to work.

Maker, you know I have never asked you for all that much considering the shit you put me through, please let it have worked.

I yank the sword from the corpse and charge the Arch Demon.

Have I mentioned this fucking thing is HUGE? I skid in a puddle of blood and try not to think too hard of who it came from. The sword bites into the flesh of my enemy and I cleave it apart. It howls in agony.

Yeah, how does it feel you jackass?

Its colossal head flops just a few feet away from me. Damn, you are one ugly son of a bitch. The blood drips from my fingers as I walk toward it. I am breathing hard. I am terrified, but I know I cannot falter now.

And to think I used to complain about the Harrowing!

With a cry of rage and fear I plunge the sword into the Arch Demon's skull, because that is how a mage takes care of things.

OoOoOo

Holy Andraste's immortal, and likely charcoaled, tits! There is an explosion of light and did I mention…

THIS FREAKING HURTS!

Ow!

Ow!

Fuck!

Ow!

By the Fade! Oh Hurlock nuts! I start twitching as pain explodes through my thoughts, and I feel the Arch demon passing into me. It's creepy and I want a bath. The presence slithers around inside of me. Yeah, it's about as appealing as it sounds really. I mean, come on, it makes sense why the Grey Wardens never make this part of the recruiting speech.

Join the Grey Wardens. Drink dark spawn blood. Kill things. Get your soul molested by an ancient tainted God. All recruits welcome.

It's a wonder why people do not just line up for this job.

Where was I? Oh yes, I'm being bad touched by an Arch Demon as it fights to take over my body, and let's face it. That crap is not happening. It's just not. The mage says 'no'. It is lucky for me that fending off regular demons in the Fade turns out to actually a good life experience here.

Wow, talk about the things you'd never thought you would say…

The world fades to black, and I am locked in my own body fighting off a semi-all powerful being who thinks rather highly of itself. I've got to say, Arch Demons are a bit on the vain side. I'm not even joking, the damn thing was trying to convince me how 'powerful' I could be and how 'lovely' we could be.

I have no idea if you have ever seen an Arch Demon, but the blasted things are as ugly as _sin_. You think I'd trade all this for something that looks like the backside of a Broodmother? Have you even _seen_ a Broodmother? The things as eight freaking tits and…

What?

Oh, right…

There I was locked in a battle of wills with the Darkspawn leader of doom, with it whispering the equivalent of sweet nothings in my head. Which, once again, was really rather disturbing but it was hard to communicate because it flashed mental images rather than spoke to me. I mean, yes, it did speak to me but I do not freaking know the language it was using and frankly I never studied runes that much anyway.

Creation mage here. If it didn't create some pretty spell that made people stop bleeding all over the floor, chances are I did not learn it.

I know I had a lot of time in the Circle. I mean _a lot_ of time, but studying all the time was boring. Don't give me that look. I make no pretenses, I am not a saint. And, it's not like I knew I was going to be going toe to toe with something bent on destroying the world,

Though, in retrospect, with my astoundingly wonderful luck… it should have occurred to me.

And then… it was over. My continued refusals forced its presence away.

However, as the blackness recedes and I wake staring into the face of my worried companions, two things occur to me. One, I'm still alive. Yay! And, two… Morrigan slept with Alistair partially in vain.

The rest you know. I came down those steps in victory. The first thing I did was look for my dear Husband. Alistair is the King of Denirem, which now is healing from its destruction, and I said goodbye to my friends after a wonderful celebration held in honor of those that had fallen.

Not too bad for a Circle Mage, if I do say so myself.

OoOoOo

Solona Amell, Leader of the Grey, Arlessa of Amaranthine, and Senior Mage of the Circle of Magi,; dropped the poor unfortunate Bard that had dared to try to sing the recounting of her adventures.

The robe clad woman, of impressive and striking bearing, stalked to back to her seat in what could only be called a 'huff'. She delicately folded her hands and placed her elbows on the table, where her husband, Ser Cullen, also sat.

"Now," she stated in a deceptively cheerful manner, "sing it again. Correctly this time."

Her frosty smile caused the Bard to whimper in fright. And, it did not hurt that small storm clouds had begun to form above his head threatening to strike him with lightening by the looks of it.

"Yes!" He half-squeaked in terror. His trembling hands picked up his lute once more and he gulped down the urge to sob. "Come hear a tale, a tale I tell…"

Anders blinked in wide-eyed shock at his leader. Her gaze pierced the poor entertainer without mercy. His mouth got the better of him before he could stop it.

"You know," he said to Cullen conspiratorially, "in the tower, I always thought she was a demure little thing."

Cullen, flushed red with embarrassment, found himself unable to reply and chose instead to signal for more ale. He had the sneaking suspicion he was going to need it.

Oghren slapped Anders on the back, laughing with a breath so bad it could fell a nug, and retorted "I may not have known the Warden as long as you, Sparkle fingers, but she sure as Orzammar never struck me as 'demure'." He dissolved into a fit of laugher.

They were all startled when Solona blasted an ice bolt near the man's feet with an angry hiss.

"Leliana is the whore-biscuit, not Morrigan," she reminded him warningly.

The Bard then chose the perfect time to faint.

"Thank goodness," Solona muttered to her companions with a grin on her face, "I thought he'd never shut up. He was a silly man, wasn't he pumpkin?"

She tickles the chin of a bright-eyed boy, cradled gently in his father's arms.


End file.
